Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 22

"Oh, my!" he exclaimed. "Ain't we a wonderful family! Mama has electricity on her head, and grandma has gas on her stomach."

Pride often has no better basis in fact than the self-congratulation of little Raymond in the following story: Raymond came home from a session of the Sunday School fairly swollen with importance. He explained the cause to his mother.

"The superintendent said something awful nice about me this morning in his prayer."

"And what did he say, dear?" the mother inquired, concealing her astonishment.

The boy quoted glibly and sincerely.

"He said, 'O Lord, we thank thee for our food and Raymond.'"

PRECOCIOUSNESS.

A stranger rang the door-bell. Little eight-year-old Willie Jones opened the door.

"Is Mr. Jones in?" the caller inquired.

Little Willie answered with formal politeness:

"I'm Mr. Jones. Or did you wish to see old Mr. Jones?"

PRISON REFORM.

The society matron explained the necessity for immediate reform in conditions at the State Penitentiary: "Nowadays, there are such a number of our very best people who are being indicted and tried and convicted and sent to serve their sentences in the prison that we really must make their surroundings there more pleasant and elegant."

PRIVILEGE.

The tenderfoot in the mining town was watching a poker game for heavy stakes, when he saw the dealer give himself four aces from the bottom of the deck. He whispered the fact in shocked surprise to a citizen beside him. The latter looked astonished.

"What of it?" he drawled. "Wasn't it his deal?"

PROCRASTINATION.

The Southern darky is usually willing enough, but painfully dilatory in accomplishment. The foreman of a quarry called to Zeb, the general utility man, and directed him to go across the road to the blacksmith shop and bring back a drill which had been left there for sharpening. Zeb shuffled out of sight, and after a lapse of half an hour, shuffled back lazily into view. The indignant foreman called to him sharply: "Here, you Zeb! Where've you been all this time?"

The darky grinned placatingly.

"Why, boss," he explained, "I hain't been-I'se gwine!"

PROFANITY.

The longsh.o.r.eman was indulging in a fit of temper, which he interpreted in a burst of language that shocked the lady pa.s.sing by. She regarded him reprovingly, as she demanded: "My man, where did you learn such awful language?"

"Where did I learn it?" the longsh.o.r.eman repeated. "Huh! I didn't learn it, it's a gift."

The deacon carried a chain to the blacksmith to have a link welded. When he returned to the shop a few hours later, he saw the chain lying on the floor, and picked it up. It was just next to red hot, and the deacon dropped it with the e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.n: "h.e.l.l!" Then he added hastily: "I like to have said."

PROFITEERS.

The wife of the profiteer discoursed largely on the luxuries of the new country estate.

"And, of course," she vouchsafed, "we have all the usual animals-horses, cows, sheep, pigs, hens, and so forth."

"Oh, hens!" the listener gushed. "Then you'll have fresh eggs."

"Really, I'm not sure. The hens can work, if they like, but of course in our position, it's quite unnecessary-er, perhaps not quite suitable, you know."

The advertis.e.m.e.nt offered for fifty cents a recipe by which to whiten the hands and soften them.

Girls who sent the money received the following directions: "Soak the hands three times a day in dish water while mother rests."

"Are you sure this handbag is genuine crocodile skin?" the woman asked the shopkeeper.

"Absolutely," was the reply. "I shot that crocodile myself."

"But it is badly soiled."

"Well, yes, of course. That's where it hit the ground, when it fell out of the tree."

Customer: "But if it costs twenty dollars to make these watches, and you sell them for twenty dollars, where does your profit come in?"

Shopkeeper: "That comes from repairing them."

PROGRESS.

The cottager was crippled by rheumatism, and the kindly clergyman taught him his letters, and put him through the primer and into the Bible. On his return after a vacation, the clergyman met the cottager's wife.

"How does John get along with his reading of the Bible?" he asked.

"Oh, bless your reverence," she replied proudly, "'e's out of the Bible and into the newspaper long ago."

The kindly clergyman, newly come to the parish, was at great pains to teach an illiterate old man, crippled with rheumatism, his letters so that he could read the Bible. On the clergyman's return after a short absence from the parish, he met the old man's wife.

"And how is Thomas making out with reading his Bible?"

"Bless you, sir," the wife declared proudly, "he's out of the Bible and into the newspaper long ago."

The physician advised his patient to eat a hearty dinner at night, without any worry over the ability to digest it. The patient, however, protested: "But the other time when I came to see you, you insisted I must eat only a very light supper in the evening."

The physician nodded, smiling complacently.

"Yes, of course-that shows what great progress the science of medicine is making."

PROHIBITION.

The objector to prohibition spoke bitterly: "Water has killed more folks than liquor ever did."

"You are raving," declared the defender of the Eighteenth Amendment. "How do you make that out?"

"Well, to begin with, there was the Flood."

The wife complained to her husband that the chauffeur was very drunk indeed, and must be discharged instantly.

"Discharged-nothing!" the husband retorted joyously. "When he's sobered off, I'll have him take me out and show me where he got it."

PROLIFIC.

The woman teacher in a New York School was interested in the announcement by a little girl pupil that she had a new baby brother.

"And what is the baby's name?" the teacher asked.

"Aaron," was the answer.

A few days later, the teacher inquired concerning Aaron, but the little girl regarded her in perplexity.

"Aaron?" she repeated.

"Your baby brother," the teacher prompted.

Understanding dawned on the child's face.

"Oh, Aaron!" she exclaimed. "That was a mistake. It's Moses. He's very well, ma'am, thank you. Pa an' ma, they found we had an Aaron."

p.r.o.nUNCIATION.

The parson's daughter spoke pleasantly, but with a hint of rebuke, to one of her father's humble parishioners: "Good morning, Giles. I haven't noticed you in church for the last few weeks."

"No, miss," the man answered. "I've been oop at Noocaste a-visitin' my old 'aunts. And strange, miss, ain't it, I don't see no change in 'em since I was a child like?"

The parson's daughter was duly impressed.

"What wonderful old ladies they must be!"

But the man shook his head, and explained with remarkable clearness: "I didn't say 'arnts', miss. I said 'awnts'-'aunts where I used to wander in my childhood days like."

PROOF.