Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 16

A man buys two dogs from the pet shop but after a week he realises he can't keep them apart. They spend all their time humping one another and no matter what he does - throwing cold water over them, putting pepper on their backsides - they carry on regardless. One night, it's so bad the man rings the vet, even though it's 1 o'clock in the morning, and tells him the problem.

"I've got the answer" says the vet, "give each of the dogs a ring on the telephone."

"Really! Will that work?" replies the man, amazed.

"Well it b.l.o.o.d.y well worked for me, you prat!" bellowed the vet as he slammed the phone down.

Two window cleaners were each working on a separate office block when Ted shouted over to his mate, "Hey Pete, come over here a minute."

Pete put down his sponge and began lowering the cradle to the ground. However, 1m from the bottom, it stuck and as he jumped out, his shirt caught on a nail and ripped the material from top to bottom causing him to lose his balance, fall over and sprain his ankle. He hobbled over to the other building and called the lift so that he could reach his mate who was working on the 20th floor. Unfortunately, the lift was broken, so he had to hobble up the steps, but on the way he slipped on a wet patch and fell into the wall, giving himself a b.l.o.o.d.y nose. Eventually, he got to the 20th floor and located his mate.

"I'm here Ted, what's up?"

"Cor, you took your time! I just wanted to show you I could see your house from here."

The woman was so pleased with the decorator's work. The house was beautifully fresh and clean. She took her husband upstairs to see the finished results but he'd just been in the garden and left his dirty handprints all over the bedroom door. She could have cried with disappointment. The next morning when the decorator came to finish off she smiled sweetly at him and said, "I really can't thank you enough for such a good job. I just wondered if you would mind coming upstairs for a few minutes so that I can show you where my husband put his hand."

The decorator visibly paled and stuttered his reply.

"No thanks, if its all the same to you. Just a letter of recommendation would be nice."

A new colonel had just arrived at the remote outpost. It was his first a.s.signment abroad and he was determined to make a name for himself.

"First of all, I would like a complete tour of the base," he ordered his second in command, and for the next hour the colonel inspected every little nook and cranny, eventually arriving at a small shed.

"What's in there?" he bellowed.

"A camel Sir," came the reply, and it was explained to the colonel that because the outpost was so remote, the men would sometimes get s.e.xually frustrated and then they'd use the camel.

"Disgusting!, get rid of it immediately," he ordered.

Three months went by and the colonel was badly missing the fairer s.e.x. He swallowed his pride and asked if indeed the camel had been removed from camp.

"I'm sorry Sir, it is in fact still here," said the second in command. With that, the colonel went down to the shed, dropped his trousers, got up behind the camel and gave it all he'd got.

"There" he panted, "is that what the men do?"

Thoroughly embarra.s.sed, the second in command replied, "Not exactly, no Sir. The men ride the camel to the nearest wh.o.r.ehouse."

"I would like to be painted in the nude" said the beautiful young girl to the famous artist.

"Okay" replied the artist, "but I'll have to keep my socks on so I have somewhere to put my brushes."

The ticket inspector was checking tickets on the 4.30 to Croydon when she stopped by a man who opened his raincoat and flashed his tackle.

"Oh no, that's no good" she replied with vigour. "I want to see your ticket, not just the stub!"

The man came into work, one arm in a sling, a bandage round his head, 2 black eyes and a painful limp.

"And what time do you call this?" asked his boss. "You're very late."

"I'm sorry sir, I tripped over the garden step" said the poor man.

"Oh yeah, and it took, a whole hour to do that, did it!" he replied scornfully.

Two men were painting a bridge over the River Seven. One was in a cradle at the top and the other was in a second cradle further down, steadying the ropes.

"Throw me up some paint thinner" shouted the first man.

"Oh thanks" said the second man, who was hard of hearing.

"I've been on this diet a month now."

"No, I said throw me up some thinner."

"Yes thanks, I've had my dinner."

"Listen, you stupid prat, I said PAINT THINNER" he bellowed.

"Oh right," and the second man threw him up a bottle of paint thinner which unfortunately hit him on the head causing him to fall out of the cradle and plunge into the icy waters, never to be seen again. The following month, an inquest was held and before the verdict was announced the coroner asked whether anyone present had anything to say.

His mate got up and replied, "Just one thing, Mr Coroner Sir. I think his accident had something to do with s.e.x."

"Really? Why's that?"

"Well, as he pa.s.sed me going down he shouted 'c.u.n.t'."

Two shepherds are driving a lorry full of sheep back to their hillside farm when suddenly the brakes fail as they come hurtling towards a sharp bend in the road.

"Quick," shouted one of the men, "Jump for it!"

"What about the sheep?" shouted the other.

"Oh f.u.c.k the sheep," he cried.

"What! do you think we have time?"

The electricity man called round at number 63 Ramtop Drive to turn on the power for the new tenants. After knocking at the door for some time it was eventually opened by a small boy.

"Where's your mum, son?" he asked.

The little boy didn't answer but just pointed at the stairs. So, thinking there was something wrong, he went up the stairs and walked into the bedroom. There on the bed was a woman being s.h.a.gged by a huge billy goat. He rushed back down the stairs, badly shaken by what he had seen, and stammered at the little boy.

"Son, son, do you know what's going on up there, do you know what they're doing?"

The boy just looked at him and then said, "Na-a-a-a-a-a."

Typists beware!

Johnny also works by touch.

His job was like a pubic hair on a toilet seat.

He was bound to get p.i.s.sed off eventually.

Secretary to her boss.

"Excuse me Sir, the invisible man's here."

"Well tell him I can't see him," he answered.

His secretary was absolutely useless.

"Why don't you answer the b.l.o.o.d.y phone?" he said in exasperation.

"Because I'm d.a.m.ned well fed up," she replied.

"Nine times out of ten it's for you."

Did you hear about the man who lost two fingers working in the car factory?

Funnily enough he didn't realise he'd lost them until he left work and waved goodbye to the foreman.

A man was working on the sewage farm when he suddenly lost his footing and slipped in.

"Help, fire, fire, fire!" he yelled.

In no time at all the fire engine responded.

"Where's the fire then?" asked the chief fire officer.

"There isn't one" replied the worker. "But if I'd shouted "s.h.i.t, s.h.i.t, s.h.i.t, no one would have rescued me."

As the man crossed the street he tripped up and broke his watch on the side of the pavement.

"d.a.m.n" he muttered, "I must get it mended," and looking around he saw a shop with a huge clock in the window.

Thinking it must be a watchmakers, he went in and asked the owner to mend his watch.

"I'm sorry Sir, I don't mend watches, I perform circ.u.mcisions."

"Then why do you have a huge clock in your window?"

replied the man, feeling somewhat irritated.

"Well what would you put in the window?" said the owner.

A man rings up his boss to tell him he won't be in to work.

"I'm sorry, I'm sick," he tells him.

"Sick again?" says the boss angrily "This seems to be happening a lot. How sick are you?"

"Pretty sick" replies the man. "I'm in bed with my sister."

The multinational company was looking for a new Director General and three men were up for the job. To test their undying loyalty to the company, they were all asked to do the same thing. Go into the other room and shoot your wife,"

they ordered the first man, handing him a gun.

"Oh no," gasped the man. "My wife means more to me than anything, I can't do it."

So he was dismissed.