Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 19

A lady customer asked to see some chiffoniers. The clerk led her to the display of ba.s.sinettes, which was an unfortunate error since the lady was an old maid. She accepted his apology, however,

and then remarked: "Where are your sideboards?"

The clerk blushed furiously, as he replied: "Why-er-I shaved them off last week."

The lady who had some culture, but not too much, was describing the adventure of her husband, who had been in Messina at the time of the earthquake.

"It was awful," she declared, in tense tones. "When Jim went to bed, everything was perfectly quiet.

And then, when he woke up, all of a sudden, there beside him was a yawning abbess!"

One of the two girls in the subway was glancing at a newspaper.

"I see," she remarked presently to her companion, "that Mr. So and so, the octogenarian, is dead.

Now, what on earth is an octogenarian anyhow?"

"I'm sure I haven't the faintest idea," the other girl replied. "But they're an awful sickly lot. You never hear of one but he's dying."

A story is told of an office-seeker in Washington who a.s.serted to an inquirer that he had never heard of Mark Twain.

"What? Never heard of Tom Sawyer?"

"Nope, never heard of him."

"Nor Huck Finn?"

"Nope, never heard of him neither."

"Nor Puddin'head Wilson?"

"Oh, Lord, yes!" the office-seeker exclaimed. "Why, I voted for him."

And then he added sadly: "An' that's all the good it done me."

The aged caretaker of the Episcopal church confided to a crony that he was uncertain as to just what he was: "I used to be the janitor, years ago. Then we had a parson who named me the s.e.xtant. And Doctor Smith, he called me a virgin. And our young man, he says I'm the sacrilege."

OBSTINACY.

The old mountaineer and his wife arrived at a railway station, and for the first time in their lives beheld a train of cars, which was standing there. The husband looked the engine over very carefully, and shook his head.

"Well, what do you think of it, father?" asked the old lady.

"She'll never start," was the firm answer: "she'll never start."

The conductor waved, the bell rang, the locomotive puffed, the train moved slowly at first, then faster. It was disappearing in the distance when the wife inquired slyly: "Well, pa, what do you think of it now?"

The old man shook his head more violently than before.

"She'll never stop," he a.s.serted; "she'll never stop!"

OMEN.

The great pugilist was superst.i.tious and fond of lobster. When the waiter served one with a claw missing, he protested. The waiter explained that this lobster had been worsted in a fight with another in the kitchen. The great pugilist pushed back his plate.

"Carry him off," he commanded, "and bring me the winner."

OPTICAL ILLUSION.

The sergeant rebuked the private angrily: "Jenkins, why haven't you shaved this morning?"

"Why, ain't I shaved?" the private exclaimed, apparently greatly surprised.

"No, you ain't," the sergeant snapped. "And I want to know the reason why."

"Well, now, I guess it must be this way," Jenkins suggested. "There was a dozen of us usin' the same bit of lookin' gla.s.s, an' I swan I must have shaved somebody else."

OPTIMISM.

The day laborer was of a cheerful disposition that naturally inclined to seek out the good in every situation. He was a genuine optimist. Thus, after tramping the three miles from home to begin the day's work on the ditch, he discovered that he had been careless, and explained to a fellow laborer: "I've gone and done it now! I left my lunch at home."

Then, suddenly he beamed happily, as he added: "And it's a good thing I did, for the matter of that, because I left my teeth at home, too."

The optimist fell from the top story of a skysc.r.a.per. As he pa.s.sed the fourth story, he was overheard muttering: "So far, so good!"

ORIENTATION.

John B. Gough was fond of telling of a laird and his servant Sandy. The two were on their way home on horseback late at night, and both were much muddled by drink. At a ford where the bank was steep, the laird fell head first into the creek. He scrambled up, and shouted to his servant: "Hold on, Sandy! Something fell off-I heard it splash!"

Sandy climbed down from the saddle, and waded about blindly in the shallow water, with groping hands. At last, he seized on the laird.

"Why, it's yerself, mon, as fell oof!"

"No, Sandy," the master declared stoutly. "It can't be me-here I am." Then he, added: "But if it is me, get me back on the horse."

Sandy helped the laird to the horse, and boosted him up astride. In the dark, the rider was faced the wrong way to.

"Gie me the reins," the master ordered.

Sandy felt about the horse's rump, and, then cried out, clutching the tail: "It waur the horse's head as fell off-nothin' left but the mane!"

"Gie me the mane, then," the laird directed stolidly. "I must een hae something to hold on."

So, presently, when he had the tail firmly grasped in both hands, and Sandy had mounted, the procession began to move. Whereat, the laird shouted in dismay: "Haud on, Sandy! It's gaein' the wrang way!"

OUTWORN.

Tiny Clara heard her mother say that a neighboring lady had a new baby. The tot puzzled over the matter, and at last sought additional information: "Oh, mumsy, what is she going to do with her old one?"

PARADOX.

The amiable old lady was overheard talking to herself as she left the church along with the crowd that had attended the services: "If everybody else would only do as I do, and stay quietly in their seats till everyone else has gone out, there would not be such a crush at the doors."

Two friends from Ireland on a tour occupied the same bedchamber in a country inn. During the night a fearful storm raged. John spoke of it in the morning while the two men were dressing.

"Did it rain?" Dennis asked in surprise.

"Rain!" John exclaimed. "It was a deluge, and the lightnin' was blindin' and the thunder was deafenin'. Sure, I never heard the like."

"For the love of Hivvin!" Dennis cried out. "Why didn't yez waken me? Didn't yez know I never can slape whin it thunders!"

PASTORAL.

Burdette quotes as follows a year's statistics of parochial work, as compiled by a young curate: "Preached 104 sermons, 18 mortuary discourses, solemnized 21 hymeneal ceremonies, delivered 17 lectures, of which 16 were on secular and all the rest on religious subjects; made 39 addresses, of which all but 27 were on matters most nearly touching the vital religious concerns of the church, read aloud in church 156 chapters of the Bible, 149 of which were very long ones; made pastoral calls, 312; took tea on such occasions, 312 times; distributed 804 tracts; visited the sick several times; sat on the platform at temperance and other public meetings 47 times; had the headache Sabbath mornings, and so was compelled to appear in a condition of physical pain, nervous prostration and bodily distress that utterly unfitted him for public preaching, 104 times; picnics attended, 10; dinners, 37; suffered from attacks of malignant dyspepsia, 37 times; read 748 hymns; instructed the choir in regard to the selection of tunes, 1 time; had severe cold, 104 times; sore throat, 104 times; malaria, 104 times; wrote 3120 pages of sermons; declined invitations to tea, 1 time; started the tune in prayer meeting, 2 times; started the wrong tune, 2 times; sung hymns that n.o.body else knew, 2 times; received into church membership, 3; dismissed by letter, 49; expelled, 16; lost, strayed, or stolen, 137."

PATRIOTISM.

The Scotchman returned to his native town, Peebles, after a first visit to London. He told the neighbors enthusiastically of his many wonderful experiences in the metropolis. There was, however, no weakening in his local loyalty, for at the end he cried out proudly: "But, for real pleasure, gi'e me Peebles!"

5There is no doubting the strong patriotism of the schoolboy who is the hero of this tale, although he may have been weak on history. During an examination in general history, he was asked: "Who was the first man?"

He answered proudly, even enthusiastically, without any hesitation: "George Washington, first in war, first in peace, first in the hearts--"

But the teacher interrupted ruthlessly: "Wrong! Adam was the first man."

The boy sniffed disgustedly.

"Oh!" he retorted. "I didn't know you were talking about foreigners."

The troops had been marching through a sea of mud for hours, when at last they were lined up for inspection before a general. In the evolution, a young cavalryman who had enlisted was thrown from his horse into the muck, from which he emerged in a dreadful state, though uninjured except in his feelings. The general himself, who had witnessed the incident, rode up, and preserving his gravity with some effort inquired of the trooper if he had suffered any hurt from the fall.

"Naw," was the disgusted reply. "But if I ever love a country agin, you can kick me!"

PEACE.

The mourning widow caused a tender sentiment to be chiseled on the headstone of her husband's grave. The exact wording was as follows: "Thou are at rest, until we meet again."