Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 13

A certain man notorious for his slowness paid attention for two years to a young lady, without

coming to the point. The girl's father thought it time for him to interfere. On the swain's next visit, the father interviewed him: "Clinton, you've been settin' up with Nellie, an' takin' her to picnics, an' to church an' buggy-ridin', an' nothin's come of it. So, now, Clinton, I ask you, as man to man, what be your intentions?"

And Clinton responded unabashed: "Well, answerin' you as man to man, I'll say there hain't no cause for you to ruffle your shirt. My intentions is honorable-but remote."

HOSPITAL.

Little Mary, who had fallen ill, begged for a kitten. It was found that an operation was necessary for the child's cure, and that she must go to the hospital. The mother promised that if she would be very brave during this time of trial she should have the very finest kitten to be found.

As Mary was coming out from the influence of the anesthetic, the nurse heard her muttering, and stooping, heard these words: "It's a b.u.m way to get a cat."

HOSPITALITY.

The good wife apologized to her unexpected guests for serving the apple pie without cheese. The little boy of the family slipped quietly away from the table for a moment, and returned with a cube of cheese, which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled in recognition of the lad's thoughtfulness, popped the cheese into his mouth, and then remarked: "You must have sharper eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find it?"

The boy replied with a flush of pride: "In the rat-trap."

HUMBUG.

Two boys once thought to play a trick on Charles Darwin. They took the body of a centipede, the wings of a b.u.t.terfly, the legs of a gra.s.shopper and the head of a beetle, and glued these together to form a weird monster. With the composite creature in a box, they visited Darwin.

"Please, sir, will you tell us what sort of a bug this is?" the spokesman asked.

The naturalist gave a short glance at the exhibit and a long glance at the boys.

"Did it hum?" he inquired solemnly.

The boys replied enthusiastically, in one voice: "Oh, yes, sir."

"Well, then," Darwin declared, "it is a humbug."

HUMIDITY.

The little boy had been warned repeatedly against playing on the lawn when it was damp. Sat.u.r.day evening, his father heard him recite a Scripture verse learned for the Sunday school.

"'Put off thy shoes from they feet, for the ground whereon thou standest is--'" He halted at a loss.

"Is what, my boy?" asked the father.

"Is damp."

HUMILITY.

The slow suitor asked: "Elizabeth, would you like to have a puppy?"

"Oh, Edward," the girl gushed, "how delightfully humble of you. Yes, dearest, I accept."

HUNGER.

"That woman never turns away a hungry man."

"Ah, genuinely charitable!"

"Hardly that. She says, 'Are you so hungry you want to saw some wood for a dinner?' And the answer is, 'No.'"

HUNTING.

An amateur sportsman spent the day with dog and gun, but brought home no game. A friend twitted him with his failure: "Didn't you shoot anything at all?"

The honest fellow nodded miserably.

"I shot my dog."

"Why?" his questioner demanded. "Was he mad?"

The sportsman shook his head doubtfully.

"Not exactly mad," he a.s.serted; "and not so darned tickled neither!"

IDENt.i.tY.

The paying teller told mournfully of his experience with a strange woman who appeared at his wicket to have a check cashed.

"But, madam," he advised her, "you will have to get some one to introduce you before I can pay you the money on this check."

The woman stared at him disdainfully.

"Sir!" she said haughtily. "I wish you to understand that I am here strictly on business. I am not making a social call. I do not care to know you."

IDIOMS.

The foreigner, who prided himself on his mastery of colloquial expressions in English, was speaking of the serious illness of a distinguished statesman.

"It would be a great pity," he declared, "if such a splendid man should kick the ghost."

The old man told how his brother made a hazardous descent into a well by standing in the bucket while those above operated the windla.s.s.

"And what happened?" one of the listeners asked as the aged narrator paused.

The old man stroked his beard, and spoke softly, in a tone of sorrowing reminiscence: "He kicked the bucket."

ILl.u.s.tRATION.

Pat was set to work with the circular saw during his first day at the saw mill. The foreman gave careful instructions how to guard against injury, but no sooner was his back turned than he heard a howl from the novice, and, on turning, he saw that Pat had already lost a finger.

"Now, how did that happen?" the foreman demanded.

"Sure," was the explanation, "I was jist doin' like this when,-bejabers, there's another gone!"

IMPATIENCE.

An acquaintance encountered in the village inquired of Farmer Jones concerning his wife, who was seriously ill. That worthy scowled and spat, and finally answered in a tone of fretful dejection: "Seems like Elmiry's falin' drefful slow. Dinged if I don't wish as how she'd git well, or somethin'."

IMPUDENCE.

The ice on the river was in perfect condition. A small boy, with his skates on his arm, knocked at the door of the Civil War veteran, who had lost a leg at Antietam. When the door was opened by the old man, the boy asked: "Are you going out to-day, sir?"

"Well, no, I guess not, sonny," was the answer. "Why?"

"If you ain't," the boy suggested, "I thought I might like to borrow your wooden leg to play hockey."

INDIRECTION.

The bashful suitor finally nerved himself to the supreme effort: "Er-Jenny, do you-think-er-your mother might-er-seriously consider-er-becoming my -er-mother-in-law?"

INHERITANCE.

A lawyer made his way to the edge of the excavation where a gang was working, and called the name of Timothy O'Toole.

"Who's wantin' me?" inquired a heavy voice.

"Mr. O'Toole," the lawyer asked, "did you come from Castlebar, County Mayo?"

"I did that."

"And your mother was named Bridget and your father Michael?"

"They was."

"It is my duty, then," said the lawyer, "to inform you, Mr. O'Toole, that your Aunt Mary has died in Iowa, leaving you an estate of sixty thousand dollars."

There was a short silence below, and then a lively commotion.

"Are you coming, Mr. O'Toole?" the lawyer called down.

"In wan minute," was bellowed in answer. "I've just stopped to lick the foreman."

It required just six months of extremely riotous living for O'Toole to expend all of the sixty thousand dollars. His chief endeavor was to satisfy a huge inherited thirst.