Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 83

FACT: There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those who don't.

Deep Thoughts.

He who laughs last - thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.

The Dentist.

A bloke walks into a dentists and says, "I keep thinking I'm a moth."

"You don't need a dentist," the receptionist replies, "You need a psychiatrists."

"Yea, I know," says the bloke, "I only came in because the light was on."

Did you hear about the nuns that set up a plumbing company?

It's called the Cisterns of Mary!

Q: What couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie swimmer?

A: He was too far out man.

Did the hear about the woman that confused her contraceptive pill with her valium pill?

She's got 10 kids but couldn't careless.

Reasons for leaving my Job.

As a Courier: People gave me the run around.

As a Florist: Business drooped.

As a Fire fighter: It was too hot to handle.

As a Policeman: I just copped out.

As a Doctor: I lost his patients.

As a Hot Dog Vendor: I couldn't cut the mustard.

As a Baker: I wasn't making enough dough.

As a Food factory worker: I got canned.

Things That Sound Dirty when said in the Office but Aren't...

I need to get it out by 5.

Mind if I use your laptop?

Just stick it in my box If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

I want it on my desk, NOW!

HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!

My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.

It's an entry-level position.

When do you think you'll be getting off today?

It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!

Things not to say at the office...

I understand your point, but you're still full of s.h.i.t.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f.u.c.k.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Ah, I see the f.u.c.k-up fairy has visited us again.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, I'm sorry but my powers can only be used for good.

A couple of pick up lines with comebacks!

Male: Is this seat empty?

Female: Yes, and mine will be if you sit down.

Male: Great Baby. My pretty friend at the bar will need a seat.

Male: If I saw you naked, I'd die happy.

Female: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.

Male: Don't interrupt! I'd die happy knowing that that the elephant man has found a soul mate.

Answer Phone Messages.

"Hi! Now you say something."

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."