Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 71

Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

Women wearing wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their b.o.o.bs stared at.

Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

Anyone can buy condoms.

Did you hear about the dog food company that's in financial trouble?

They've had to call in the retrievers.

Q: What do you say when you're tickling a rich girl?

A: Gucci, Gucci, Gucci!

Q: What do you call a handcuffed asylum seeker?

A: Trustworthy.

A new Tampon that vibrates when it needs changing is currently under going trails.

One woman on the trial explained, "Oooow Arrhh Yyeeesss ttttthhheeeyyy aarreee rrreeeaaaaalllllyyyy Vveerryyy gggooooodddd!!!!"

The new home - A Cla.s.sic.

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Fl.u.s.tered and embarra.s.sed, he finally says, "It's got to be your ears!" Astounded, and a little hurt she asks, "My ears? Look at these b.r.e.a.s.t.s; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My b.u.t.t is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

Crossing the street.

A guy is trying to cross the street and as he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across, but the car changes lanes and is still headed straight at him.

Quickly he turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. As car gets really close it swerves at the last possible moment and then screeches to a halt next to him.

The driver rolls down the window and amazingly it's a giant a squirrel.

The squirrel looks angrily at the man and says, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"

What Is It?

Schwartzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use his.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

Answer below! (scroll down).

Answer: A Last Name.

Quotable Quotes.

I'd kill for a n.o.bel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they won't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want a rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the b.u.t.ter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the longer your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory some just don't have any film.

Do what you've always done and you'll get the result you've always got!

Try something different!

Remember it's the squeaky wheel that gets attention.

So make some noise!

If you fail to plan then you are planning to fail.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain, and most do.

Talk is cheap - You only get a penny for your thoughts!

Some people leave their mark on the world, while others merely leave a stain.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.

Wisdom.

A man is walking in the jungle, when suddenly he spots a tiger. The tiger begins chasing him, and so he frantically runs for his life. He sees a clearing ahead blocked by a fallen tree. He jumps the tree only to find that on the other side is a cliff, which he falls down. With every ounce of strength in his body he grabs a vine, and hangs on for dear life. Below him is a fall to certain death; above him a tiger is waiting and certain death.

At that point is sees a strawberry, picks it just as he has done many times before. He finds that this strawberry is the best most succulent fruit he has ever tasted.

In other words, 'Sometime we only truly appreciate what we have, when we are at the point of losing it.'

h.e.l.l is so unfair.

A man dies and goes to h.e.l.l and while he is being taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil, he pa.s.ses many sulphurous pits filled with shrieking sinners. In one pit he sees a politician he recognizes snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"Hey, That's unfair!" he shouts. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that politician gets to spend it with a beautiful woman!"