Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 63

"When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take or what."

"Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, so are you going to pay this time or what? Again I take or what."

"So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

The will.

A lawyer is reading the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in it: "To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me through thick and thin, I leave the house and 2 million dollars.

The lawyer continues, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and 1 million dollars."

The lawyer concludes, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I'd never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"

Double Glazing.

Tele-Salesman: "Hi I'm calling on behalf of Ripper Windows, would you be interested in buying some double glazing?"

Call Receiver: "Sir, this is the Samaritans."

Tele-Salesman: "OK. Would you be interested in buying some double glazing or I'll kill myself!"

Box of Condoms.

A young couple with an economy carton of condoms have wild s.e.x together. When they've finished, the girl discovers that there were only six condoms remaining in the pack of twelve.

"What happened to the other five condoms?" she asks her boyfriend.

Nervously he replies, "I m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed with them."

Later that day she approaches a male friend and tells him the story.

"Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he rea.s.sures her.

"You mean you've actually m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed with a condom on?"

"Oh," replies her male friend, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied."

A guy goes to the doctors and says, "Doc, you've got to help me people are saying that I'm a bad influence.

They say that they can't make a decision when I'm around. What do you think my problem is?"

"Indecision," says the Doc, "that may or may not be your problem."

Did you hear about the guy who's Dad was kicked out of hospital?

Apparently he took a turn for the nurse.

A pal of mine has told me his wedding is going to be a formal affair.

They've going to paint the shotgun white.

I went white water rafting last week and the instructor told me, "When we get in the water I want NO ifs, ands or buts, only oars!"

Do you realise that it's a sin for women to make the Tea?

It says in the Bible... "Hebrews!"

Nothing.

A guy is pa.s.sing a small courtyard when he hears murmuring voices.

Curious, he takes a look and sees an altar with an image of a zero on it.

Above the alter is a large banner with the word 'NIL.' People in white robes are kneeling before the altar and chanting hymns to The Blessed Emptiness.

The guy turns to a white-robed observer and asks, "Is Nothing Sacred Here?"

The cruise ship.

A pa.s.senger from a cruise ship is looking over the side watching the world go by, when he see a small dessert Island. As they get closer he sees a scruffily dressed man with a beard waving like mad and shouting and desperately at them.

"Who's that?" a pa.s.senger asks the captain.

"No idea," replies the captain, "But every year when we pa.s.s him he goes nuts."

Made in j.a.pan.

A j.a.panese tourist hails a taxi at Heathrow Airport London and asks to be taken across London to the city.

On the way the tourist sees a Toyota car and shouts, "Oh! TOYOTA! Made in j.a.pan. Very fast."

Next he sees a Nissan car and shouts, "Oh! NISSAN! Made in j.a.pan. Very fast."

Next he sees a Mitsubishi car and shouts, "Oh! MITSUBISHI! Made in j.a.pan. Very fast."

Well the London cap driver is getting a little miffed that so many j.a.panese made cars are pa.s.sing his 100% British London cab. So he finally gets to the city stops, he's feeling glad that he'll soon be seeing the back of the guy. He points at the meter and says, "That'll be 100 pounds please mate."

"100 pounds, but it was a very short a ride! Why so much?"

"Taxi Meter," says the cabby, "Made in j.a.pan. Very fast!"

Jogging.

"Mrs Jones, Every day this week I've seen your husband out running with a Violin chasing him. What's going on?"

"O it was his fortieth birthday on Monday and ever since he's been trying to prove to himself that he's still fit as a fiddle."

An American In England.

An American visiting England asks the hotel concierge for the elevator.

The porter looks a bit confused for a moment and then smiles as he realizes what the man wants.

"You must mean the lift!"

"No," the American replies. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."

"Well," the porter answers, "over here we call them lifts."

"Now listen," says the rather irritated American, "An America invented the elevator."

"Oh, right you are sir," the porter replies in a polite tone, "And an Englishman invented the language."

Q: What do you get if you cross a Labrador with a werewolf?

A: A s.h.i.t scared postman.

A Zookeeper phones the police and says, "h.e.l.lo I want report and escaped leopard."

"Don't worry sir," says the desk sergeant, "Its already been spotted."

A bloke walks into the local chip shop and asks for a bag of chips.

"Do you want 60 or 90?" asks the a.s.sistant.

"What?" says the guy, "Well, if you're going to b.l.o.o.d.y count them, I'll have a pie instead!"

A Chinese proverb: It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it!