Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 61

"Telepathic watch, what's so special about it?" The intrigued woman asks.

"Well," says the guy, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me."

"So, what's it telling you now?"

"It says you're not wearing any knickers."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing knickers!"

"d.a.m.n," says the guy, "it must be an fast again."

Fancy Dress Party.

A guy goes to his mate's fancy dress party. He's completely naked and has a naked girl on his back.

"So what the h.e.l.l are you supposed to be?" His mate asks.

"I'm a snail," the guy replies.

"What a load of c.r.a.p!" says his mate. "How can you be a snail? You made not effort to find a costume, all you've got is that naked girl on your back."

"That's not a naked girl," the bloke replied, "that's Mich.e.l.le."

s.e.x life.

Two guys are having a beer at the local pub, and one of them looks very glum.

"What's wrong mate?" his pal asks.

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."

"Why's that?"

"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

The Watch Tower.

A man and his wife have been stranded on a deserted island for years. When one day another man washes up on sh.o.r.e. The wife is immediately attracted to him but realises that certain protocols must be observed. The husband, however, is really glad to see the guy as it means there'll be able to have three people doing shifts in the watchtower.

The new man is happy to help keep watch and volunteers to do the first shift.

Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle to make a cooking fire. The new man yells down, "Hey, no f.u.c.king!"

They yell back, "We're not f.u.c.king!" A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new man yells down, "Hey, no f.u.c.king!"

Again they yell back, "We're not f.u.c.king!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down, "Hey, no f.u.c.king!"

They yell back, "We're not f.u.c.king!"

Finally the new man's shift is over and he climbs down, while the husband starts to climb's up. When he gets to the top of the tower, he looks down and sees new guy s.h.a.gging his wife's brains out.

"G.o.d dam," he says, "from up here it DOES look like they're f.u.c.king!"

Lunch.

A boss walks up to his new secretary and asks, "Linda, do you know the difference between a Caesar Salad and a b.l.o.w. .j.o.b?"

"No," she replies.

"Great!" he says, "Let's have lunch."

The ring.

A cop sees a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight.

"Can I help you?" he asks.

"I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it," she replies.

"Did you drop it right here?"

"Nope," says the blonde, "but it's easier looking for it here as the light's better."

Cricket.

A guy is at home with the missus when he hears a knock at the door. He opens it and finds his pal Steve clutching his hands between his legs.

"What's wrong Steve?" He asks.

"I've just been hit by a b.l.o.o.d.y cricket ball!"

"Quick come in and I'll get the wife to look at it for you."

A few minutes later in the kitchen the guy finds his wife bathing his friend's d.i.c.k and b.a.l.l.s with iced water.

"G.o.d Dam!" He thinks, "How do you feel Steve?"

Steve turns to his mate with a big grin and says, "What your wife's done has really helped a lot. But I still think I'm going to loose will my finger nail."

Reading in bed.

A man and his wife get into bed for the night. The wife curls up ready for sleep and the husband puts his bedside lamp on to read. While he's reading, he reaches over to his wife and started fondling her p.u.s.s.y. He does this for a short then stops and goes back to reading his book.

Suddenly the wife jumps out of bed and starts stripping in front of him. Confused, the husband asks, "What are doing?"

"You were playing with my p.u.s.s.y," the wife replies, "I've got the hint and I'm stripping for action."

"O," says the husband, "You've got it all wrong. I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages."

Aging.

A forty-something woman is jumping up and down on the bed and singing happily. Her husband watches her for a while then says, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce.

"I don't care," she says. "I just got back from the doctor's and he says I have the b.r.e.a.s.t.s of an 18yr old girl."

"Oh really?" says the husband. "And what did he say about your 40yr old t.w.a.t?"

"I'm sorry," says the woman, "you're name didn't come up!"

Are you buying this?

A guy is in a shopping mall with his wife and as he's pa.s.sing a hardware store he says, "You go ahead and do you're shopping; I want to browse in the hardware store."

An hour later the wife returns and see her husband him at the checkout. The a.s.sistant is ringing up the last of a ma.s.sive pile of tools.

"Are you buying all this?" the wife asks somewhat irritated.

"Well, yes," says the embarra.s.sed husband. Then waving his arm towards the centre of the store, he adds, "But just look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind!"

The three daughter's.

Three daughters live with their very protective father and all of them get there first day on the same night.

When the doorbell rings. The father gets out his 12-gauge shotgun, opens the door and yells, "What do you want!"

The first boy replies, "My name is Freddie and I'm here for Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"

The father calls Betty and they go out.

Ten minutes later, the doorbell rings again. The father gets out his 12-gauge shotgun, opened the door and yells, "What do you want!"

The second boy replies, "My name is Joe, and I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready?"

Flo comes running down stairs and off they go.

Ten minutes later, the doorbell rings again. The father gets out his 12-gauge shotgun, opens the door and yells, "What do you want!"

The third boy replies, "Well... my name is Chuck..."

BANG!