Jingo. Part 48

Vimes took a deep breath. "You know, you really fooled me," he said. "'May your loins be full of fruit.' That was a good one. I really thought you were just-" He stopped. But Ahmed continued: "-just another camel-driver with a towel on his head? Oh, dear. And you'd been doing so well up to now, Sir Samuel. The Prince was very impressed."

"Oh, come on on. You were all but making suggestive comments about melons. What was I supposed to think?"

"Don't fret, Sir Samuel. I consider it all a compliment. You can turn around. I wouldn't dream of harming you unless you do something...foolish."

Vimes turned. He could just make out a shape in the afterglow.

"You were admiring this place," said Ahmed. "Tacticus's men had it built when he tried to conquer Klatch. It's not really a city by today's standards, of course. It was really just making a point. 'Here we are and here we stay,' as it were. And then the wind changed."

"You murdered Snowy Slopes, didn't you?"

"The term is executed. I can show you the confession he signed beforehand."

"Of his own free will?"

"More or less."

"What?"

"Let us say, I pointed out to him the alternatives to signing the confession. I was kind enough to leave you the pad. After all, I wanted to keep your interest. And don't look like that, Sir Samuel. I need you."

"How can you tell how I look?"

"I can guess. The a.s.sa.s.sins' Guild had a contract on him in any case. And by a happy chance I am am a Guild member." a Guild member."

"You?" Vimes tried to bite down on the word. And then: why not not him? Kids got sent a thousand miles to be taught in the a.s.sa.s.sins' Guild school... him? Kids got sent a thousand miles to be taught in the a.s.sa.s.sins' Guild school...

"Oh, yes. The best years of my life, they tell me. I was in Viper House. Up School! Up School! Right Up School!" He sighed like a prince and spat like a camel driver. "If I shut my eyes I can still recall the taste of that peculiar custard we used to get on Mondays. Dear me, how it all comes back...I remember every soggy street. Does Mr. Dibbler still sell his horrible sausages inna bun in Treacle Mine Road?"

"Yes."

"Still the same old Dibbler, eh?"

"Still the same sausages."

"Once tasted, never forgotten."

"True."

"No, don't move too quickly, Sir Samuel. Otherwise I'm afraid I shall be cutting your own throat. You don't trust me, and I don't trust you."

"Why did you drag me here?"

"Drag you? I had to sabotage my own ship so you wouldn't lose me!"

"Yes, but...you...knew how I'd react." Vimes's heart began to sink. Everyone Everyone knew how Sam Vimes would react... knew how Sam Vimes would react...

"Yes. Would you like a cigarette, Sir Samuel?"

"I thought you sucked those d.a.m.n cloves."

"In Ankh-Morpork, yes. Always be a little bit foreign wherever you are, because everyone knows foreigners are a little bit stupid. Besides, these are rather good."

"Fresh from the desert?"

"Hah! Yes, everyone everyone knows Klatchian cigarettes are made from camel dung." A match flared, and for a moment Vimes caught a glimpse of the hooked nose as Ahmed lit the cigarette for him. "That is one area where, I regret to say, prejudice has some evidence on its side. No, these are all the way from Sumtri. An island where, it is said, the women have no souls. Personally, I doubt it." knows Klatchian cigarettes are made from camel dung." A match flared, and for a moment Vimes caught a glimpse of the hooked nose as Ahmed lit the cigarette for him. "That is one area where, I regret to say, prejudice has some evidence on its side. No, these are all the way from Sumtri. An island where, it is said, the women have no souls. Personally, I doubt it."

Vimes could make out a hand, holding the packet. Just for a moment he wondered if he could grab and- "How is your luck?" said Ahmed.

"Running out, I suspect."

"Yes. A man should know the length of his luck. Shall I tell you how I know you are a good man, Sir Samuel?" In the light of the rising moon Vimes saw Ahmed produce a cigarette holder, insert one, and light up almost fastidiously.

"Do tell."

"After the attempt on the Prince's life I suspected everyone everyone. But you suspected only your own people. You couldn't bring yourself to think the Klatchians might have done it. Because that'd line you up with the likes of Sergeant Colon and all the rest of the Klatchian-cigarettes-are-made-of-camel-dung brigade."

"Whose policeman are you?"

"I draw my pay, let us say, as the wali wali of Prince Cadram." of Prince Cadram."

"I shouldn't think he's very happy with you right now, then. You were supposed to be guarding his brother, weren't you?" So was I, Vimes thought. But what the h.e.l.l...

"Yes. And we thought the same way, Sir Samuel. You thought it was your people, I thought it was mine. The difference is, I was right. Khufurah's death was plotted in Klatch."

"Oh, really? That's what they wanted wanted the Watch to think-" the Watch to think-"

"No, Sir Samuel. The important thing is what someone wanted you you to think." to think."

"Really? Well, you've got that wrong. All the stuff with the gla.s.s and the sand on the floor, I saw through...that...straight...away..."

His voice faded into silence.

After a while Ahmed said, almost sympathetically, "Yes, you did."

"d.a.m.n."

"Oh, in some ways you were right. Ossie was was paid in dollars, originally. And then, later on, someone broke in, making sure they dumped paid in dollars, originally. And then, later on, someone broke in, making sure they dumped most most of the gla.s.s outside, and swapped the money. And distributed the sand. I must say that I thought the sand was going a bit too far, too. No one would be of the gla.s.s outside, and swapped the money. And distributed the sand. I must say that I thought the sand was going a bit too far, too. No one would be that that stupid. But they wanted to make sure it looked like a bungled attempt." stupid. But they wanted to make sure it looked like a bungled attempt."

"Who was it?" said Vimes.

"Oh, a small-time thief. Bob-Bob Hardyoyo. He didn't even know why he was doing it, except that someone was willing to pay him. I commend your city, commander. For enough money, you can find someone to do anything anything."

"Someone must have paid him." must have paid him."

"A man he met in a pub."

Vimes nodded glumly. It was amazing how many people were prepared to do business with a man they'd met in a pub.

"I can believe that," he said.

"You see, if even the redoubtable Commander Vimes, who is known even to some senior Klatchian politicians as an unbendingly honest and thorough man, if somewhat lacking in intelligence...if even he he protested that it was done by his own people-Well, the world is watching. The world would soon find out. Starting a war over a rock? Well...that sort of thing makes countries uneasy. They've all got rocks off their coast. But starting a war because some foreign dog had killed a man on a mission of peace...that, I think, the world would understand." protested that it was done by his own people-Well, the world is watching. The world would soon find out. Starting a war over a rock? Well...that sort of thing makes countries uneasy. They've all got rocks off their coast. But starting a war because some foreign dog had killed a man on a mission of peace...that, I think, the world would understand."

"Lacking in intelligence?" said Vimes.

"Oh, don't be too depressed, commander. That business with the fire at the emba.s.sy. That was sheer bravery."

"It was b.l.o.o.d.y terror!"

"Well, the dividing line is narrow. That was one thing I hadn't expected."

In the rolling, clicking snooker table of Vimes's mind the black ball hit a pocket.

"You had had expected the expected the fire fire, then?"

"The building should have been almost empty-"

Vimes moved. Ahmed was lifted off his feet and slammed against a pillar, with both of Vimes's hands around his neck.

"That woman was trapped in there!"

"It...was...necessary!" said Ahmed hoa.r.s.ely. "There...had...to be a...diversion! His...life was...in danger, I had to get him out! I did...not know...about the...woman until too late...I give you my word..."

Through the red veil of anger Vimes became aware of a p.r.i.c.kle in the region of his stomach. He glanced down at the knife that had appeared magically in the other man's hand.

"Listen to me..." hissed Ahmed. "Prince Cadram ordered his brother's death...What better way to demonstrate the...perfidy of the sausage-eaters...killing a peace-maker..."

"His own brother? You expect me to believe that?"

"Messages were sent to...the emba.s.sy...in code..."

"To the old amba.s.sador? I don't believe that that!"

Ahmed stood quite still for a moment.

"No, you really don't, do you?" he said. "Be generous, Sir Samuel. Truly Truly treat all men equally. Allow Klatchians the right to be scheming b.a.s.t.a.r.ds, hmm? In fact the amba.s.sador is just a pompous idiot. Ankh-Morpork has no monopoly on them. But his deputy sees the messages first. He is...a young man of ambition..." treat all men equally. Allow Klatchians the right to be scheming b.a.s.t.a.r.ds, hmm? In fact the amba.s.sador is just a pompous idiot. Ankh-Morpork has no monopoly on them. But his deputy sees the messages first. He is...a young man of ambition..."

Vimes relaxed his grip. "Him? I thought thought he was shifty as soon as I saw him!" he was shifty as soon as I saw him!"

"I suspect that you thought he was Klatchian as soon as you saw him, but I take your point."

"And you could read this code, could you?"

"Oh, come now. Don't you read Vetinari's paperwork upside down when you're standing in front of his desk? Besides, I am Prince Cadram's policeman..."

"So he's your boss, right?"

"Who is your your boss, Sir Samuel? When push comes to shove?" boss, Sir Samuel? When push comes to shove?"

The two men stood locked together. Ahmed's breath wheezed.

Vimes stood back. "These messages...you've got them?"

"Oh, yes. With his seal on them." Ahmed rubbed his neck.

"Good grief. The originals? I'd have thought they'd be under lock and key."

"They were. In the emba.s.sy. But in the fire many hands were needed to carry important doc.u.ments to safety. It was a very...useful fire." fire."

"A death warrant for his own brother...well, you can't argue against that in court..."

"What court? The king is is the law." Ahmed sat down. "We are not like you. You kill kings." the law." Ahmed sat down. "We are not like you. You kill kings."

"The word is 'execute.' And we only did it once, and that was a long time ago," said Vimes. "Is that that why you brought me here? Why all this drama? You could have come to see me in Ankh-Morpork!" why you brought me here? Why all this drama? You could have come to see me in Ankh-Morpork!"

"You are a suspicious man, commander. Would you have believed me? Besides, I had to get Prince Khufurah out of there, before he, ahah, 'died of his wounds.'"

"Where's the Prince now?"

"Close. And safe. He is safer in the desert than he would ever be in Ankh-Morpork, I can a.s.sure you."

"And well?"

"Getting better. He is being looked after by an old lady whom I trust."

"Your mother?"

"Ye G.o.ds, no! My mother is a D'reg! She'd be terribly offended if I trusted her. She'd say she hadn't brought me up right."

He saw Vimes's expression this time. "You think I am an educated barbarian?"

"Let's just say I'd have given Snowy Slopes a running start."

"Really? Look around you, Sir Samuel. Your...beat...is a city you can walk across in half an hour. Mine is two million square miles of desert and mountain. My companions are a sword and a camel and, frankly, neither are good conversationalists, believe me. Oh, the towns and cities have their guards, of a sort. They are uncomplicated thinkers. But it is my job to go into the waste places and chase bandits and murderers, five hundred miles from anyone who would be on my side, so I must inspire dread and strike the first blow because I will not have a chance to strike a second one. I am an honest man of a sort, I think. I survive. I survived seven years in an Ankh-Morpork public school patronized by the sons of gentlemen. Compared to that, life among the D'regs holds no terrors, I a.s.sure you. And I administer justice swiftly and inexpensively."

"I heard about how you got your name..."

Ahmed shrugged. "The man had poisoned the water. The only well for twenty miles. That killed five men, seven women, thirteen children and thirty-one camels. And some of them were very valuable camels, mark you. I had evidence from the man who sold him the poison and a trustworthy witness who had seen him near the well on the fateful night. Once I had testimony from his servant, why wait even an hour?"

"Sometimes we have trials," said Vimes brightly.

"Yes. Your Lord Vetinari decides. Well, five hundred miles from anywhere the law is me." Ahmed waved a hand. "Oh, no doubt the man would suggest there were mitigating circ.u.mstances, that he had an unhappy childhood or was driven by Compulsive Well-Poisoning Disorder. But I have a compulsion to behead cowardly murderers."

Vimes gave up. The man had a point. The man had a whole sword.

"Different strokes for different folks," he said.

"I find the one at shoulder height generally suffices," said Ahmed. "Don't grimace, it was a joke. I knew the Prince was plotting and I thought: this is not right. Had he killed some Ankh-Morpork lord, that would just be politics. But this...I thought, why do I chase stupid people into the mountains when I am part of a big crime? The Prince wants to unite the whole of Klatch. Personally, I like the little tribes and countries, even their little wars. But I don't mind if they fight Ankh-Morpork because they want to, or because of your horrible personal habits, or your unthinking arrogance...there's a lot of reasons for fighting Ankh-Morpork. A lie isn't one of them."