Jingo. Part 22

Vimes was only half surprised when the doors to the Rats Chamber opened and there, sitting at the head of the table, was Lord Rust. The Patrician wasn't there.

He was half half surprised. That is, at a certain shallow level he thought, that's odd, I thought you couldn't budge the man with a siege weapon. But at a dark level, where the daylight seldom penetrated, he thought: surprised. That is, at a certain shallow level he thought, that's odd, I thought you couldn't budge the man with a siege weapon. But at a dark level, where the daylight seldom penetrated, he thought: of course of course. At a time like this men like Rust rise to the top. It's like stirring a swamp with a stick. Really big bubbles are suddenly on the surface and there's a bad smell about everything. Nevertheless, he saluted and said: "Lord Vetinari on his holidays, then?"

"Lord Vetinari stepped down this evening, Vimes," said Lord Rust. "Pro tem, of course. Just for the duration of the emergency."

"Really?" said Vimes.

"Yes. And I have to say that he antic.i.p.ated a certain...cynicism on your part, commander, and therefore asked me to give you this letter. You will see that it is sealed with his seal."

Vimes looked at the envelope. There was certainly the official seal in the wax, but- He met Lord Rust's gaze and at least that suspicion faded. Rust wouldn't try a trick like that. Men like Rust had a moral code of sorts, and some things weren't honorable honorable. You could own a street of crowded houses where people lived like c.o.c.kroaches and the c.o.c.kroaches lived like kings and that was perfectly okay, but Rust would probably die before he'd descend to forgery.

"I see, sir," said Vimes. "You wanted me?"

"Commander Vimes, I must ask you to take the Klatchians resident in the city into custody."

"On what charge, sir?"

"Commander, we are on the verge of war war with Klatch. Surely you understand?" with Klatch. Surely you understand?"

"No, sir."

"We are talking about spying, commander. Sabotage, even," said Lord Rust. "To be frank...the city is to be placed under martial law."

"Yessir? What kind of law's that, sir?" said Vimes, staring straight ahead.

"You know very well, Vimes."

"Is it the kind where you shout 'Stop!' before before you fire, sir, or the other kind?" you fire, sir, or the other kind?"

"Ah. I see see." Rust stood up and leaned forward.

"It pleased you to be...smart with Lord Vetinari, and for some reason he indulged you," he said. "I, on the other hand, know your type." with Lord Vetinari, and for some reason he indulged you," he said. "I, on the other hand, know your type."

"My type?"

"It seems to me that the streets are full of crimes, commander. Unlicensed begging, public nuisances...but you seem to turn a blind eye, you seem to think you should have bigger ideas. But you are not required to have big ideas, commander. You are a thief-taker, nothing more. Are you eyeballing me, Vimes?"

"I was trying not to turn a blind eye, sir."

"You seem to feel, Vimes, that the law is some kind of big glowing light in the sky which is not subject to control. And you are wrong. The law is what we tell it to be. I'm not going to add 'Do you understand?' because I know know you understand and I am not going to try to reason with you. I know a rank bad hat when I see one." you understand and I am not going to try to reason with you. I know a rank bad hat when I see one."

"Bad hat?" said Vimes weakly.

"Commander Vimes," he said, "I had hoped to avoid this, but the last few days point to a succession of astonishing judgemental errors on your part. The Prince Khufurah was shot, and you seemed helpless to prevent this or find the criminal responsible. Mobs appear to run around the city unimpeded, I gather that one of your sergeants proposed to shoot innocent people in the head, and we have just heard that you took it upon yourself to arrest an innocent businessman and lock him in the cells for no reason at all."

Vimes heard Colon gasp. But it sounded a long way off. He could feel everything crumbling under him, but his mind seemed to be flying now, flapping through a pink sky where nothing mattered very much.

"Oh, I don't know about that, sir," he said. "He was guilty of repeatedly being Klatchian, wasn't he? Don't you want me to do that to all of 'em?"

"And if this was not enough," Rust went on, "we are told, and in other circ.u.mstances I would find this very very hard to believe, even of a counter-jumper like you, that earlier tonight you, being quite unprovoked, a.s.saulted two Klatchian guards, trespa.s.sed on Klatchian soil, entered the women's quarters, abducted two Klatchians from their beds, ordered the destruction of Klatchian property and...well, frankly, acted quite disgracefully." hard to believe, even of a counter-jumper like you, that earlier tonight you, being quite unprovoked, a.s.saulted two Klatchian guards, trespa.s.sed on Klatchian soil, entered the women's quarters, abducted two Klatchians from their beds, ordered the destruction of Klatchian property and...well, frankly, acted quite disgracefully."

What is the point of arguing? Vimes thought. Why play cards with a shaved deck? And yet- "Two Klatchians, sir?"

"It seems Prince Khufurah has been kidnapped, Vimes. I find it hard to believe that even you you would attempt that, but the Klatchians seem to be suggesting this. You were seen entering their property illegally. And you appear to have dragged a helpless lady from her bed. What have you got to say about that?" would attempt that, but the Klatchians seem to be suggesting this. You were seen entering their property illegally. And you appear to have dragged a helpless lady from her bed. What have you got to say about that?"

"It was on fire at the time, sir."

Lieutenant Hornett stepped forward and whispered something. Lord Rust subsided a bit.

"All right. Very well. There were perhaps mitigating circ.u.mstances, but politically it was a most ill-advised action, Vimes. I cannot pretend to know what has happened to the Prince, but frankly you seem to have taken a positive delight in making matters worse."

Can you climb, Mr. Vimes? Vimes said nothing. The other man had been carrying something bulky over his shoulder...

"You are removed from authority, commander. And the Watch will come under the direct command of this council. Is that understood?"

Rust turned to Carrot. "Captain Carrot, many of us here have heard...good reports about you, and by due authority I hereby appoint you acting Commander of the Watch-"

Vimes shut his eyes.

Carrot saluted smartly. "No! Sir!"

Vimes opened his eyes wide.

"Really?" Rust stared at Carrot for a few moments, and then gave a little shrug.

"Ah, well...loyalty is a fine thing. Sergeant Colon?"

"Sir!"

"In the circ.u.mstances, and since you are the most experienced noncommissioned officer and have an exemp-and have a military record, you will take command of the Watch for the duration of the...emergency."

"Nossir!"

"That was an instruction, sergeant."

Beads of sweat began to form on Colon's brow. "Nossir!"

"Sergeant!"

"You can put it where the sun does not shine, sir!" said Colon desperately.

Once again, Vimes saw Rust's milky-blue stare. Rust never looked surprised. And since he knew that a mere sergeant would never dare offer cheeky defiance, he erased Sergeant Colon from the immediate universe.

The gaze turned briefly to Detritus.

And he doesn't know how to speak to a troll, Vimes thought. And he was once again impressed, in the same dark way, by the manner in which Rust dealt with the problem. He dealt with it by making it not be there.

"Who is the senior corporal in the Watch, Sir Samuel?"

"That would be Corporal n.o.bbs."

The committee went into a huddle. There was a rush of whispering, in which the words "-an absolute little t.i.t t.i.t-" could be heard several times. Finally Rust looked up again.

"And the next in seniority?"

"Let me see...that would be Corporal Stronginthearm," said Vimes. He felt oddly light-headed.

"Perhaps he he is a man who can take orders." is a man who can take orders."

"He's a dwarf, you idiot!"

Not a muscle moved on Rust's face. There was a clink clink as Vimes's badge was set neatly on the table. as Vimes's badge was set neatly on the table.

"I don't have to take this," Vimes said calmly.

"Oh, so you'd rather be a civilian, would you?"

"A watchman is is a civilian, you inbred streak of p.i.s.s a civilian, you inbred streak of p.i.s.s!"

Rust's brain erased the sounds that his ears could not possibly have heard.

"And the keys to the armory, Sir Samuel," he said.

They jangled as they landed on the table.

"And do the rest of you have any empty gestures to make?" said Lord Rust.

Sergeant Colon took his grimy badge out of his pocket and was a little disappointed that it didn't make a defiant tinkle when he threw it on the table but instead bounced and smashed the water jug.

"I got my badge carved on my arm," Detritus rumbled. "Someone c'n try an' take it off if dey likes."

Carrot laid his badge down very carefully.

Rust raised his eyebrows. "You too, captain?"

"Yes, sir."

"I would have thought that you you at least-" at least-"

He stopped and looked up in annoyance as the doors opened. A couple of the palace guards ran in, with a group of Klatchians behind them.

The council got to their feet in a hurry.

Vimes recognized the Klatchian in the center of the group. He'd seen him around at official functions and, if it hadn't been for the fact that the man was a Klatchian, would have marked him down as a shifty piece of work.

"Who's he?" he whispered to Carrot.

"Prince Kalif. He's the deputy amba.s.sador."

"Another prince?"

The man came to a halt in front of the table, glanced at Vimes with no show of recognition and bowed to Lord Rust.

"Prince Kalif," said Lord Rust. "Your arrival is unannounced but nevertheless-"

"I have grave news, my lord." Even in his stunned state, a part of Vimes registered that the voice was different. Khufurah had learned his second language on the street, but this one had had tutors.

"At a time like this, what news isn't?" said Rust.

"There have been developments on the new land. Regrettable incidents. And indeed in Ankh-Morpork, too." He glanced at Vimes again. "Although here, I must say, reports are confused. Lord Rust, I have to tell you we are, technically, at war."

"Technically at war?" said Vimes. at war?" said Vimes.

"I am afraid events are carrying us forward," said Kalif. "The situation is delicate."

They know they're going to fight, Vimes thought. This is just like the start of a dance, where you hang around looking at your partner...

"I must tell you that you are being given twelve hours to remove all your citizens from Leshp," said Kalif. "If that is done, matters will be happily resolved. For the present."

"Our response is that you you have twelve hours to quit Leshp," said Rust. "If that is not done, then we will take...steps..." have twelve hours to quit Leshp," said Rust. "If that is not done, then we will take...steps..."

Kalif bowed slightly. "We understand one another. A formal doc.u.ment will be with you shortly and, no doubt, we will be receiving one from you."

"Indeed."

"Here, hang on, you can't just-" Vimes began.

"Sir Samuel, you are no longer Commander of the Watch and you have no place at these proceedings," said Rust sharply. He turned back to the Prince.

"It is unfortunate that things have come to this," he said stiffly.

"Indeed. But there comes a time when words are no longer sufficient."

"I must agree with you. And then it is time to test one's strength."

Vimes stared in fascinated horror from one face to the other.

"We will, of course, allow you time to quit your emba.s.sy. Such of it as remains."

"So kind. And of course we will extend to you the same courtesy." Kalif bowed slightly.

So did Rust.

"After all, just because our countries are at war is no reason why we should not respect one another as friends," said Lord Rust.