Jaine Austen Mystery: Killing Cupid Part 35

YOU'VE GOT MAIL!

To: Jausten.

From: Shoptillyoudrop.

Subject: Just Got Back from the Hospital.

Hi, sweetheart-Just got back from the hospital. Don't get alarmed. It's nothing serious. Daddy cut himself with his Belgian Army Knife trying to replace Lydia's windowpane and had to have a few st.i.tches taken. Frankly I hope it will teach him a lesson. He's resting in bed right now.

I took that dratted knife away from him and will throw it away just as soon as I finish using the corkscrew to open a bottle of chardonnay.

I just hope we're not out of Oreos.

Love and x.x.x,

Mom.

To: Jausten.

From: DaddyO.

Subject: Minor Mishap.

Dearest Lambchop-.

After a minor mishap with my Belgian Army Knife, Mom has decided to throw it away. It's all for the best, really. The quality of the cutting blade, I must confess, was really rather shoddy.

Which is why I just sent away for the new, improved Belgian Army Knife, Imperial Officer's Edition, complete with built-in toenail clippers.

It should be here tomorrow.

Love 'n' snuggles from,

Daddy.

Epilogue.

Skip Holmeier fans will be happy to learn that, thanks to a successful insanity plea, he is now residing at a luxury sanitarium for the criminally cuckoo. Last I heard, he'd fallen madly in love with the sanitarium cat, Irving, whom he insists on calling Miss Marple.

I never did get to cash in on my Tiffany collar. When I brought it in to be appraised, it turned out to be a fake! To think that I almost swan dived into a garbage truck to rescue that thing. Oh, well. Lesson learned, cla.s.s. Never accept jewelry from a tofu-eating homicidal maniac.

The police dropped all charges against Lance once they realized Donny had been acting alone in his kleptomania. Stinging from yet another romance gone bad, Lance swore off men forever. A vow he kept for a whole three and a half days, before falling head over heels for a guy he met at a "Who Needs Men, Anyway?" workshop.

Business is booming for Travis, the computer nerd-turned-matchmaker. In a stroke of marketing genius and/or generosity, he fixed up all Joy's unhappy clients with free dates, which generated so much goodwill, he wound up with tons of new referrals. Now he has fancy new offices just off Rodeo Drive, where he always keeps an open box of G.o.diva chocolates for his clients to enjoy.

Greg Stanton fessed up about his Uncle George's paintings and spent three months in prison for art fraud. While serving time, he penned his memoirs, which are now being made into a major motion picture starring George Clooney as Greg and Sean Connery as "Uncle George."

And Barry, the fountain pen nerd? You're not going to believe this (I sure didn't), but he's engaged to Albany, the model, whom he b.u.mped into at a fountain pen collectors convention. It turns out Albany is a fountain pen fanatic, just like Barry. They plan to name their first child Parker Esterbrook.

In other romance news, Alyce Winters is seeing a guy she met on Travis's Web site, an orthodontist from Encino. And rumor has it that Ca.s.sie is dating Carl, the ex-con from Frugal Fixin's.

As for Aunt Faith, she opened a jewelry shop in Santa Monica, where her wacky baubles soon became all the rage. She's now selling her stuff on the Home Shopping Channel.

My mom is one of her biggest customers.

And you'll never guess who pushed those shopping carts at me at Pet Palace. Muriel, the clerk! Turns out she had some pretty serious anger management issues. But after months of therapy, she's much better. Last I heard, she's working at the post office.

Prozac's the same as ever, the queen of all she surveys. I finally weaned her off caviar and lobster tails. Now she's into baby lamb chops.

Oh, and one more thing. I got the craziest letter in the mail the other day. I thought I'd die when I read it. Here's what it said:

Hi, there!

I've really enjoyed chatting with you. I think you're cute and funny. Would you like to go out with me Sat.u.r.day night?

Det. Scott Willis That's right. It was from Detective Adam's Apple (aka Scott Willis)! When he showed it to me for my approval, I a.s.sumed he was going to send it to a pet.i.te blonde he'd met online. But no, the gal he'd fallen for was not some pet.i.te blonde, but moi!

Oops. There's the doorbell. That's him now.

Wish me luck!

Books by Laura Levine.

THIS PEN FOR HIRE.

LAST WRITES.

KILLER BLONDE.

SHOES TO DIE FOR.

THE PMS MURDER.

DEATH BY PANTYHOSE.

CANDY CANE MURDER.

KILLING BRIDEZILLA.

KILLER CRUISE.

DEATH OF A TROPHY WIFE.

GINGERBREAD COOKIE MURDER.

PAMPERED TO DEATH.

DEATH OF A NEIGHBORHOOD WITCH.

KILLING CUPID.