It's All My Fault Part 2

Essentially, the sole reason why any philanthropic initiative exists is simply to do the absolute best job it can to meet the needs of an underserved group. However, in the current economic climate wherein too many initiatives are chasing too few donor dollars, organizations are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Though an organization's sole mission is supposed to be about doing what is most effective to empower the recipients of aid, instead, it can become more about doing what the donors believe is best -- regardless of whether or not it is even effective. What complicates matters further is that the larger the amount of funding a donor has to contribute, the more influence they can get. This means that the strategies being created to empower the underprivileged can be strongly influenced by those who are the most out of touch with their day-to-day realities. I've conversed with organizations that knew that the work they were doing was not nearly as effective as it could have been, but lived in constant fear that trying to be too innovative and failing would result in the loss of donor funding and their jobs. And so the boldest and most innovative game-changing ideas that we need to experiment with rot away on the back burner, while the money is spent inefficiently, and the const.i.tuents continue to suffer.

By nature, philanthropy exists precisely because traditional businesses and governments have not been able or willing to fix these problems. If the status quo systems in place are not working to solve a problem, by nature, it means that novel solutions need to be tested. As a symptom of the paradox of social innovation that emerges in a highly compet.i.tive environment, it often turns out that a groundbreaking idea that seems too unfamiliar has a much more difficult time acc.u.mulating the funds necessary to take flight. It creates a chicken and egg situation: The innovative idea hasn't gotten funding because it's untested, and it's untested because it doesn't have the funding.

In addition to creating inefficient operational procedures, the hypercompet.i.tive environment can also lead non-profits to spread themselves too thin, and begin using sly tactics in a place where they should not: In the recruitment of volunteers. I've seen organizations that do not accurately portray the type of work and conditions volunteers will be subjected to, which leaves them with a bad taste in their mouths, feeling as if they'd never want to get involved in volunteer work again. However, when non-profits are essentially required to overwork and underpay their staff members just to stay afloat, the likelihood of cutting corners and deception increases. Likewise, volunteers are also operating out of the compet.i.tive paradigm, which can create problems for the organizations as well. With high rates of unemployment and underemployment, volunteers may be willing to sign up as a way to make business connections and gain access to potential job leads rather than being fully committed to the mission, and end up abandoning the project at an inopportune time (causing much more harm than good in the process).

Another major issue in this realm is when some for-profit organizations that are not acting transparently position themselves to appear as socially conscious companies, when it's actually just a marketing ploy to attempt to generate additional revenue. Some real life examples I've personally seen of this include: 1. A media company that hires people to write about social good stories and closing the inequality gap, while paying their workers less than the minimum wage.

2. A coding school that hosts a social good app challenge to build up a following, but fraudulently never awards any prizes that were promised.

3. An event company that promises to donate a predetermined amount of ticket money to charity, and never does it.

4. A social innovation conference that fails to address allegations of hara.s.sment and mistreatment at the workplace.

5. An organic dairy company that uses creative language to mask the fact that their cows have received antibiotics.

In other instances, corporate social responsibility programs can become dangerous smokescreens. Suppose a company spends 0.1% of its annual budget on providing clean water to remote villages, and puts that video footage as the main feature on the homepage of its website. At the same time, it also makes billions of dollars by polluting the water supplies of a much larger number of villages. In a scenario like this, the social good video footage can actually be quite deceptive, and do more harm than good -- by discouraging people from digging deeper to find out what's really going on. If this public relations stunt generates more public support and profits for the company, it essentially will result in even more contaminated drinking water and human suffering, meaning that it certainly isn't social good at all.

From greenwashing, to fake orphanages, to fraudulent charity websites collecting money after natural disasters, these types of practices represent the dark side of what our species is willing to stoop down to when our self-preservation instincts completely run our lives. Though we may never be able to weed out 100% of these types of activities from the world, we can certainly design better systems that make it exponentially easier for individuals and organizations to make better choices. In a shipwreck, people are far less likely to fight over and steal life rafts from one another when there are more than enough for everyone.

If you've noticed, I did not mention any of the individuals or organizations in this chapter by name. This is by design. It is very important to understand the problems that exist, and what causes them to linger, but we cannot let this devolve into the blame game. We must remember that focusing completely on blaming and demonizing other individuals or groups can at times become a distraction that prevents us from identifying the most effective ways to create the changes we desire outside of the short term. When a system goes bad, the best solutions involve changing it from the ground up. If a tree gets sick, and looks like it's in bad shape, it would not be effective to just cut off the individual branches and leaves that look disfigured. Treating them individually does not truly fix the problem. The best solution involves seeing the tree as a whole, and figuring out the nutrients and conditions it needs to bring the entire working organism back to full health. Any solution that does not consider the system in its entirety, and make that the focus of the change -- will not be much more than a band-aid. Fortunately, the later chapters will describe this form of systematic thinking in further detail.

6.

Why We're Afraid to Change Have you ever looked up the definition of life in the dictionary? I don't know if anyone even sells old school dictionaries anymore. Nonetheless, a quick search engine inquiry brings back this answer: Life, n.: The condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.

That's interesting. Most notably, the part about "continual change preceding death." In essence, life cannot exist without continual changes; many of which can happen without warning. The weather patterns outside of our homes are in constant fluctuation (unless you live in southern California), the cells of our bodies are constantly regenerating, and my hairline is receding faster than the polar ice caps. Whether we like it or not, changes are going to keep happening as long as we are alive.

As we referenced earlier in this book, perhaps the biggest reason why we instinctually fear change is because we fear the unknown; which has the potential to cause pain, suffering, and death. So, we generally tend to avoid change whenever humanly possible, even in some instances where change has the potential to bring about far superior results. This is engrained into us so strongly that we often don't even notice how many of our daily activities are done unconsciously, on autopilot. I can remember times in the past when I was driving somewhere, and then realized: "Where the h.e.l.l am I going?" Often times, when not paying attention, the body will just follow the default patterns that are most familiar to it. Not surprisingly, on more than one occasion, I've accidentally started driving towards my high school long after I'd graduated -- because it just happens to be the place that I drove to most consistently when I first got my driver's license. When my mind is lost in thought, the unconscious part of my brain takes over, and says to itself: "I have no idea where this guy wants to go today, but I know that we used to go to this one place all of the time -- and I've never seen a polar bear jump out and try to eat me on that road -- so let's just stick with that path for now."

Our resistance to change makes us creatures of habit. Our ways of being, thinking, and living get set up a certain way, and we have a very hard time breaking out of those patterns. Sadly, this resistance to change can cause us to b.u.t.t heads with people when a situation arises wherein one or the other will have to make a major change. At this point, communication breaks down. The debate becomes less about thinking about what is best for the entire group and situation as a whole --less about facts and reality -- and more about a battle for supremacy. It becomes about trying to highlight the parts of the debate that benefit our own side, while trying to dismiss and disprove the arguments that make the other side look good, even if we know that the other side is actually making valid points. We place more importance on the ability to create quick, catchy, clever remarks than on the ability to deeply a.n.a.lyze a situation from multiple perspectives, in order to create the optimal outcome for all parties. We stoop down to utilizing intimidation, deception, or any other tactics necessary -- as long as it results in the outcome of us not personally having to make changes. It takes a lot less effort on our part to raise our voices or create some white lies than to get ourselves to make fundamental changes to our ways of living. Most of us go into arguments not looking to discover the truth, or what's actually right in the situation; but rather to bend the truth -- in order to create an outcome whereby we have to make the least amount of uncomfortable changes to our own lifestyles. Even though it's not very rational, it's a primal tactic that we often use out of the instinct to survive.

Though our habits can help us avoid danger and stay alive in some ways, developing bad habits can be a dangerous trap. The negative effects of a bad habit can pile up like compound interest when it continuously takes place thousands of times throughout our lives. If we are raised as kids to become accustomed to eating unhealthy foods, even though we don't have a clue that this is the case at that time, it can be one of the hardest patterns to break out of. When a habitual system like this starts rolling, the primal instinct that wants to prevent us from changing is no longer helping us to survive for the long term, and is actually having the opposite effect. In a very similar way, we're reaching a critical time in human history in which our collective habits and lifestyles have created a mess of this planet, and we're having a hard time figuring out how to advance in a manner that is more aligned with humanitarian and ecological needs. In order to create positive changes in the world, we must first understand how to make changes to the bad habits we've created in our own individual lives. When we don't know how to change, or are simply unwilling to do so, we end up in childish situations where we yell at other people to change, they yell at us to change, everyone gets angry, and nothing changes. When we know how to consciously change our own patterns of thought and behavior, we can take the lead on sparking new ideas and projects that not only improve our lives, but also inspire others to take action as well.

We humans are social creatures. Starting from infancy, many of the predominant thought patterns and behaviors we partake in simply mimic what we see going on around us. If a two-year-old starts cursing, the parents can become shocked; seemingly unaware that the child learned these words directly from observing them. But this doesn't stop at childhood. In the same manner, when one celebrity starts wearing a different type of sungla.s.ses, or gets a new type of haircut, hordes of people begin to copy those behaviors. If we want to be able to truly change and direct our own lives, one of the most important aspects of this conformity that we need to understand is how much of an impact it has on shaping our belief systems.

Going back to literary definitions once again, here are two potential descriptions of what beliefs actually are: 1. Belief, n.: A state or habit of mind in which trust or confidence is placed in some person or thing.

2. Belief, n.: Conviction of the truth of some statement or the reality of some being or phenomenon, especially when based on examination of evidence.

A belief is something that we personally choose to form in our own minds about the way that we choose to perceive the world around us. It is our recognition that some idea or thing is true and valid. Stated another way, our beliefs are things that we decide we want to think are true, based on the information we have taken in up until this point in our lives. Our beliefs are based off of our perception of life, which is based solely on our experiences and knowledge about life. Just because we see something a certain way does not necessarily mean that it actually is that way in reality.

Perception and reality are two different things. As we get older, and we learn new things, we realize that certain a.s.sumptions we had at a younger age were not as accurate as the new view we currently have of the world. This is why I consider myself to be a student of life; because I know that all of the things I think I know about the world are only the best a.s.sumptions I can make using what I've learned up to this point -- and this does not necessarily make any of them true. I understand that we will probably never know everything there is to know in this life, and there will always be new things we can learn from others throughout the course of our lives. This is why I consider myself to be a philosopher; a lover of knowledge. I love to keep an open mind, learn new things, and think for myself. I've found that I keep getting closer and closer to understanding the truth of what reality is; and as I do, it allows me to smash through my inaccurate perceptions that have held me back -- and caused lots of pain and suffering in the past.

I know your head is probably spinning right now, because mine is too. Sorry about that. Let that settle in for a minute or two, and re-read the last paragraph if you have to. When you believe (wink) that you have digested all of it, feel free to continue on.

It's of the utmost importance to truly grasp the idea that perception is not reality. It is only after we know this that we can really start to understand how to control our own beliefs. Let's examine one of the greatest examples in history of perception and reality being different. For thousands of years, it was a widespread belief that the earth was flat; and that if you were to go to the edge of it, you would fall off. Aristotle was one of the earliest to dispute this belief, and provided actual evidence against it. He stated that by simply traveling south, the constellations of stars would appear higher above the horizon, which would not make sense unless the earth was round. But people did not like this new idea at all. People do not like when their perception of reality is seen to be inaccurate and outdated. We do not like to be wrong. Throughout history, whenever someone has made a revolutionary discovery or created a paradigm-shifting idea, the general public always has the same reaction. First, they close their minds off to the idea, ridicule the person, and suggest they enter an insane asylum. Next, they become very afraid, and violently oppose the idea; many times even threatening to imprison or murder the person who created it. And finally, the struggle ends, and it is accepted as being the new status quo reality (when it is actually still just a newer perception).

Perhaps that is why I felt like my head was spinning when writing that paragraph earlier. We humans are generally not very fond of the unfamiliar. We like order, safety, and comfort. We don't like it when something comes along that threatens to change the way we see the world, even if it is for the better, because we just want to keep things the same. We'd rather stay exactly where we are, no matter how bad things can be; because even if a new paradigm has the potential to make things much better for everyone, we fear that it has the chance to make them just a little worse, and decide that it is too risky. We don't like to deal with the fact that in reality, none of us really know why we are here, or what we are doing. That's why many people do not like to think for themselves, and would rather just keep busy in their day-to-day actions. It gives us comfort to just blindly follow the herd. Besides, if all the cool kids are doing it, it must be good, right?

Think about your core beliefs about the world we live in right now. Where did you get yours? Did you choose them all yourself, and put aside a considerable amount of time to examine why you believe them? Do you ever take a moment to re-examine these views after some time has gone by, and you've learned new information that could contradict them -- or do you selectively believe whatever seems most convenient and familiar to those around you? I can tell you this: From my own experience of spending years examining all of my beliefs about myself and the world, I was shocked when I realized just how many were pa.s.sed down to me from others, and were not based on my own better judgment. So many of my beliefs were self-limiting. I realized that many of the problems I had in my life were rooted in perceptions I had about the world that were the equivalent of the earth being flat. It's no wonder so many of us suffer and struggle in our lives. We are walking around the world in a self-created prison based upon inefficient ways of thinking that we got from others who were just as clueless as us -- and we don't even know it.

Consider how many beliefs are pa.s.sed down to us from our families, our friends, our cultures, the ma.s.s media, and everything around us. How many of us have certain religious beliefs, political affiliations, favorite sports teams, views on marriage, views on racism, views on animal rights, and many more; just because these were the things that the people around us believed when we were young and didn't know any better, so we just copied them? Does this mean that the beliefs we have chosen are all the right ones, and that all of the other ones are wrong? How many of us have then created stories and reasoning around these ideas about why we are right and others are completely wrong, when we haven't even looked at why we even believe them ourselves in the first place?

Imagine this scenario: You're a helpless child. You can't even fend for yourself. These big people that hang around you start to feed you, clothe you, and make you feel safe. They teach you things, such as how to read, how to tie your shoes, and how to have table manners. They give you all sorts of gifts, and teach you how to do things that make your life better. So, if they were to tell you that you are supposed to root for the Yankees and hate the Red Sox, why wouldn't you believe them? If they tell you that another political party is full of morons, why wouldn't you believe it? If they were to tell you that another race is evil, why wouldn't you believe it? So, if they were to tell you that you're too loud, too short, too fat, too ugly, too stupid, that you are worthless, and that you will never amount to anything in life, it is possible that you will wake up one day 20 years later, open this book, and realize that you have been spending your entire life not knowing why you never felt happy, whole, and like someone who deserves good things in life! Beliefs can empower us or cage us in forever. Beliefs are that powerful.

Even animals can be susceptible to certain types of faulty belief systems. There's an old folk tale that speaks about how people were able to use psychological tricks to control a ma.s.sive elephant. When the elephant was very young, the people chained it up to a pole in the ground. Though the elephant tried to break away with all of its might, it eventually gave up, realizing that it was of no use. Eventually, the elephant grew to become monstrous, and was easily capable of breaking away from the chains that bound him. However, there was a self-limiting belief in his mind that told him he would not be able to do it, and so he didn't even try.

Do you understand the impact your beliefs can have on your life? Do you understand that even though you may not be able to see how or why (just like the elephant), they have the ability to transform your life? What I've come to understand is that nearly every system in our lives is based on belief. Here are a few examples: Why are people willing to pay $150 for a shirt with a tiny horse or alligator on it rather than a duck or a falcon? It's because our society and advertising have made them believe that it is worth the money.

Why does a job hire one applicant over another? It's because the chosen applicant did a better job of making them believe that they are capable of getting the job done.

Why are some men who are abusive able to date women who are beautiful, inside and out? It's because those men believe that they deserve awesome women, while some awesome women were taught to believe that they don't deserve to be treated with respect.

How did the Wright brothers invent a machine that was capable of human flight? They wholeheartedly believed it was possible, and kept iterating on their designs until they were able to put the parts in a successful configuration to create an airplane that changed the course of human history.

I could keep going with these types of examples, but I think it's obvious at this point that our beliefs are crucial in our lives. What we believe shapes who we are as people, what things come into and out of our lives, and affects our overall quality of life. Our beliefs are tools to serve and empower us. Start thinking about which ones have slipped by your radar undetected for years, and are still holding you back right now. Start thinking about what steps you could take to begin to embody some new beliefs that are more closely aligned with the core of who you really are.

If we are unwilling to examine our belief structures at a deep level, it can bring mighty consequences along with it; not just personally, but also on a large scale as well. Isn't it strange that in every war that has ever occurred throughout history, all of the people going into battle on both sides are completely convinced that they are on the good side, and that the other side is irrationally evil? It'd be very beneficial for both sides to consider something like this: "Are we 100% sure that we're right about this? Is there not even a one percent chance that we're not seeing something they see that would completely change our entire perspective on this situation? What if they're good people who also love their families and culture, but we're all just part of some major miscommunication that causes all of us to misinterpret the others as being evil? Wouldn't it be beneficial for us to learn how to try as hard as possible to view these circ.u.mstances from another person's shoes, before we go off and create a b.l.o.o.d.y ma.s.sacre? More than likely, both sides are simply doing a poor job of objectively examining the selfish aspects of their respective positions, in order to gain a better understanding about why the other side is upset."

By having the courage to challenge our long-held stances and beliefs, we can begin to realize how many of the social norms we follow are actually driving us to become part of the problem, rather than part of the solution. For instance, think about just how big of an influence advertising can have over our lives. In an effort to maximize profits, many organizations will create advertis.e.m.e.nts that attempt to pick at our insecurities, and create social imbalances. It can be hard to recognize just how strong of an impact they have on our lives, because we've likely been bombarded with commercials since before we were even old enough to use language. But by looking closely, we can see the effects all over the place. There are often underlying storylines present in many advertis.e.m.e.nts that aim to define the dominant paradigms that shape a culture -- not for the good of the citizens, but for the good of the companies. Since humans will tend to conform to whatever is considered to be normal, companies often exploit this by creating ads that make individuals feel as if they need a particular product in order to avoid straying too far away from this illusory standard of normalcy.

For women, a major paradigm-warping storyline is that no one will love or accept them unless they conform to an anorexic standard of beauty. For men, a major paradigm-warping storyline is that no one will love or accept them unless they acc.u.mulate an excessive amount of material possessions. In order to acquire the items and procedures we think we need for this acceptance, we are taught that we need to compete and move up an imaginary ladder. We place a higher priority on a position's salary than on what type of values it has, what type of impact it has, and what type of people we will become by spending so many of our waking hours immersed into that role. We are trained to learn about stepping over people, politics, brown-nosing, and manipulation.

Sadly, while many of these training tactics can surely accelerate the career of a person in a position such as sales, for instance; they can also give the person a repulsive personality that no one else truly wants to be around. If a person's job involves exploiting other people for 40--80 hours every week, those habits are not just light switches that can be flipped down upon leaving the office. These habits of mind begin to cement themselves in place, and this career path leads to being constantly surrounded by others with these same predominant values. This exploitative person can become incapable of creating deep bonds with others, and end up with a bunch of shallow friendships and romances based only upon surface level matter, leaving them still feeling unfulfilled. As a result, this perceived lack of recognition and acceptance can make them compete even harder, in an attempt to move even higher. However, it's like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in it. Rises in income can lead to rises in material purchases (to feel a sense of accomplishment) and decreases in free time, which only worsens the cycle. It's all too easy for the constant stress and insincerity from this type of lifestyle to further engrain a negative self-image into a person's psyche. When too many people have negative self-images, they form even more negative personal habits, create negative families, and see no problem with profiting from exploitative business models that take advantage of other people and the environment. It's all part of the same vicious cycle.

Though we've been instructed at a subconscious level to accept commercial ideas and paradigms about what makes us attractive as universally true, the truth is that by taking it upon ourselves to challenge them, we may find that they are not nearly as valid as we may have imagined. If wealth, fame, and physical beauty are truly the keys to love, acceptance and happiness, then why are there so many celebrities, politicians, and athletes dealing with problems involving relationships, addictions, and loneliness? Obviously, something does not add up here.

Here's an idea that most advertis.e.m.e.nts won't tell you: The most important thing you can do to be attractive to others is to be courageous enough to face and overcome your fears, so that you can develop the confidence to become the person you really want to be. This doesn't mean having the type of false confidence that makes a person brag and act as if they are the greatest thing since sliced bread. It's more of a silent confidence that stems from having the bravery to think, speak and act in alignment with your own deepest truths. There is no luxury item or plastic surgery in the world that can help you access a stronger and deeper connection to other human beings than you can obtain from being sincere with other people. When you have no agenda, you can connect with others effortlessly, because you give them nothing to resist.

Don't get me wrong -- overcoming a major fear is one of the hardest things for anyone to do. All throughout your life, fear has always been that one thing that stands between who you are -- and who you want to become. Every time an opportunity has come up to step out into uncharted territory, to do something that would fulfill your soul, it's been the invisible hand that squeezes the back of your neck and pulls you back at the very last moment. It can stop you from trying out for something you want. It can make you stand up against the wall at a party instead of dancing in the middle of a giant circle of people. Though it's invisible, the power it possesses is undeniably real.

On the bright side, there's a major advantage to having an invisible foe: It's like the bad guy from the movie The Matrix. He only exists in your mind. He does not exist in the physical world. And once you understand that, you can learn how to destroy him. It's important to understand that when it comes to conquering fears, you can choose to live your life in one of two ways: Either you control them, or they control you. No matter what fear it is, the willingness to stare it in the face and take action without batting an eye will create a major detour in your life. It will take you off road; away from the cookie-cutter, box-store life that others have tried to squeeze you into, and into the wild and rugged terrain that you've always yearned to explore. The rules of the universe begin to bend differently for you, and a radiant and silent power begins building up inside where there was once only a sickening overflow of timidness and regret.

The key is to take baby steps, and achieve small victories. Make a list of all of the things that you've always wanted to do, but you've always let fear prevent you from doing. And one by one, starting with the smallest, do them. Perhaps you've wanted to share your views about something edgy, but are terrified of posting it on the internet to be judged and chewed up by the entire world; who will gather outside of your house and yell on megaphones about how incompetent and worthless your opinions are. Your boss will fire you, your significant other will dump you, and your family will disown you. You will become an ex-communicated wandering nomad, drifting alone through the deserts, looking for a cactus that hasn't read your blog yet in order to ask it for a drink of water to survive another day. Scary, isn't it?

I remember doing my first creative writing many years ago, on a piece of paper that I kept in my wallet. I was terrified to show anyone. It was a mini-inspirational speech that I wrote to myself to prevent me from giving up while studying for my calculus final. One night in college, half-delirious during an all-night study session with a friend, I felt comfortable enough to show it to him. And guess what happened? He made a copy for himself, so that he could read it when he wanted to give up on studying too. I was blown away. I showed a few other friends, and they all told me I should be an inspirational writer or speaker. At the time, I shrugged it off, thinking they were just being polite, and went back to studying. Back then, I never believed that one day I'd have the courage to release personal stories about my life to the general public that most people wouldn't even discuss with someone until they'd dated for at least six months.

Breaking out of the sh.e.l.l is a process. If you're scared to take even a small step, find an even smaller one. Post something online anonymously, so that it's not even like people are judging you. Practice your speech in front of two friends before you do it in front of 20 people. Every time there's something I know I probably should do, but I'm afraid of it, I push myself to do it. I still remember the first time I had to go up to the stage and speak at a conference in front of 300 people -- it was one of the scariest things I've ever had to do. It was scarier than when I jumped out of an airplane. But when it was over, I felt like a different person. After something like that, the fear k.n.o.b gets turned down in every other part of life. You think to yourself: If I can jump out of an airplane at 10,000 feet, if I can speak in front of hundreds of people, then why on earth would I be afraid to post some words on the internet from behind a computer?

By facing and overcoming our fears, we can break free of some of the outdated social norms that no longer serve us, and discover a part of ourselves deep down that was always buried by a mere surface level definition of who we thought we were. There are many things we can tie our self-worth to in this life. It can be our looks, our possessions, our accomplishments, or something else. This feeling of worth -- the feeling that our lives have some sort of meaning or importance -- is an essential part of the desire to be alive. But what happens when our looks inevitably fade? What if our possessions are lost? What if our accomplishments don't turn out as we'd hoped, or become stale and distant? When some or all of these external aspects of who we think we are fade away, we fall into an abyss. We go through extreme pain and suffering, questioning why this has happened to us, and question what -- if any -- value we still have left.

When it all collapses in a heap of rubble, there is one thing one core piece of bedrock that gives us immeasurable value that can never be taken away from us. This is our ability to be of service to the world. No matter what you look like, no matter how many people have written you off, no matter how many times you've failed, what remains is the n.o.blest of human pursuits: The ability to derive joy from lifting up others. And once we start doing that, we realize how little all of the fleeting possessions and accomplishments ever mattered. You free yourself from the constant stress and strain of holding so tightly onto a decomposing ident.i.ty that would never have been able to make you feel completely whole in the first place; leaving you in constant fear that it would inevitably all fall apart one day.

On the other hand, you can still enjoy the possessions and accomplishments for what they are; but they no longer define you, and you no longer need them. By actually detaching from them, you can finally discover the inner peace you've been searching for all along. The fear and pressure fades away. Things begin to slow down and become clear to you. You discover a deeper connection with life; an understanding of what really is important in our time here -- to utilize our greatest gifts to spread joy as far as it can possibly reach.

7.

Why It's All My Fault And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the main event. This is the moment you've all been waiting for. Over the last few chapters, I've described a cl.u.s.ter of large-scale interlocking problems that all seven billion plus of us intelligent beings on earth have been unable to solve thus far. I've described how we got here, the systematic and sociological tendencies that keep us in line, and the new issues that arise when we try to fix the existing problems. If you've been paying close attention, you may have observed the notable omission of two words from this book that have become almost synonymous with problems in the United States today (depending on who you're speaking with): "Republicans" and "Democrats." There is a very good reason for this; it's because I don't blame either of these groups. If I don't blame either side, then whose fault is it? Who is there left to blame? I have a confession that I need to make to you right now, with all of the citizens of the world acting as witnesses: It's all my fault.

That's right. I take full responsibility for everything that is wrong with the world in the present moment. If you were previously blaming an opposing political party, or the Jews, the Muslims, the Christians, the atheists, the white people, the black people, or the immigrants, I'm here to tell you that you've been misguided. It is none of their fault; it is completely mine. So please, if you are looking for someone to blame, I sincerely ask that from this point forward, you blame me. If you feel disappointment or fury -- if you feel deceived in some way -- please direct it towards me.

It's all my fault.

It's all my fault.

It's all my fault.

It really does feel good to get that off my chest. It must feel good for you too; to finally be able to put a face to all that is wrong with our planet. Though I'm not really in a position to be making requests after telling this to you, I have one huge favor to ask before you begin to focus on blaming me. I want you to go seek out some of the other people who you were blaming before this. I want you to sit down and have a meal with them. While sitting across that table, I want you to shake hands with them, look them directly in the eyes, and tell them that you're truly sorry. Tell them that you're sorry for everything; that you had them all wrong. Tell them that your anger towards them was misguided, selfish, and shortsighted; and that from now on, you will do your absolute best to try to understand and work together with them. Ask them if they would please accept your apology, and please give you an opportunity to clarify any ideas or values you hold dear to you that they may not have a full grasp of. Be open. Let them ask questions. Diligently listen to what they have to say. Find out about the personal stories and experiences they've been through that have shaped who they are as people. Let go of the hatred.

If you really do go through with this, you may discover something mind-blowing. Beneath all of the labels attached to race, nationality, s.e.xual orientation, religious beliefs, and political affiliations, there is a human being sitting across from you that actually has a whole lot in common with you and the people you care about. They enjoy good food, they enjoy good music, they enjoy good s.e.x, and they enjoy spending time with people who treat them with respect -- just like you. They have hopes, desires, dreams, fears, anxieties, and challenges -- just like you. They want to love, and they want to be loved -- just like you. I am positive that if you give it a real shot, you really can make friends with new people that have had completely different life experiences from your own.

The importance of this act cannot be understated. When we gain the ability to befriend someone who we had stereotypically considered to be our enemies, we begin to break down the psychological barriers that impede constructive conversations and progress in our world. If you were to read a headline in the news that a violent revolution just broke out in a small country on the other side of the world, and you had several friends who lived there, this news story would suddenly take on added importance to you. Are they safe? Are their parents, grandparents, siblings, cousins, and kids safe? Are they located near the epicenter of the violence, or are they far enough out of harm's way? Is there anything you can do to help them?

When we are able to relate to someone and actually connect with them, we cannot help but empathize with them. We're so much less likely to write people off and hate them when they become human in front of our eyes. They're no longer just a collection of statistics and stereotypes that we've heard about through the grapevine years ago. When we consider people to be friends of ours, we are more accepting of the fact that they have flaws (just like us), and know that this doesn't have to be a reason to hate them. We want to utilize our knowledge and resources to help make their lives easier; and by doing so, often times they will want to do the same for us.

It's tragic how much hatred we can generate by overhearing about a story involving a negative experience, and then extrapolating that to represent a comprehensive stereotype to predict all of human behavior (based upon surface level traits) -- with a zero tolerance for potential exceptions. I once dated a woman who deceived me and dumped me. Does this mean that all women are evil, and that I should never a.s.sociate with any of them again? It's all too easy to allow fear to justify closing ourselves off; to create a simple storyline that breaks down another group of humans we've never met into mindless ent.i.ties incapable of breaking from the illusory mold we've so confidently predicted for them. But the fact of the matter is: There are good people of every race, culture and nationality who are capable of treating us like good friends -- if we are just willing to give them a chance. By making a valiant effort to align ourselves with this truth, we can develop the ability to transcend race and culture.

At this point, it's likely that you're still wondering about why it's all my fault. How could it possibly all be my fault? I'll spill the beans now. As I type these words, I notice that my computer is plugged into an electric socket in the wall, which consumes electricity. Where does this electricity come from? It's generated from a combination of natural gas, oil, and nuclear power. I'm so detached from this process that I hardly ever consider this. Do I have any idea where this oil or gas comes from? I don't have the slightest clue. I'm completely ignorant of this information. I just wake up in the morning and plug in whatever devices make my life more convenient. I do shut off all of the lights when I leave a room, and remove plugs when they're not in use, but this doesn't change the fact that I'm completely dependent on these technologies. There is a meter that tells me how much energy I use, but it doesn't tell me anything about what this energy is doing to the air and water for everyone else who lives nearby. Isn't it true that the nuclear energy plant being used to power my internet connection right now is strikingly similar to the one currently dumping radioactive waste into the Pacific Ocean off of the coast of j.a.pan? Isn't it true that this has been occurring for several years now -- contaminating much of the sea life in the region -- and no one knows how to make it stop?

Though I don't own very many material things, almost none of them were created and manufactured by me. Just looking around at the items in the room I'm in right now, I can only begin to imagine how much exploitation and human suffering went into making it possible for me to properly function in this developed society. The chair I'm sitting in says that it was made in Beijing, China. What is the quality of life like for the people who made this chair? Do I understand that the air quality is so bad there that both children and the elderly have been advised to remain indoors?

There are some clothes in my hamper. One shirt that I purchased at a thrift shop a few years ago has a tag that says it was made in Bangladesh. I remember hearing a story about an unsafe clothing factory in Dhaka, Bangladesh that collapsed not too long ago, killing over one thousand people. It's entirely possible that my shirt came out of that factory. I'll probably never be able to know for sure that it didn't. What are the family members of the victims going through? What would they have to say to me if they were in front of me right now, knowing that their loved ones were crushed alive to produce a low-cost shirt that is not essential to my survival? If I could make it so that this shirt never existed, but their loved ones could come back to life, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I cannot. There is nothing I can do to bring them back. What is the name of the person who held this fabric in her hands, and manufactured it so flawlessly? What did she look like? What was her favorite color? What was her favorite thing to eat for dinner? Did she have any children? Did she have a favorite bedtime story and song she used to sing, to help them fall asleep feeling safe and warm?

It's really tough to accept that after knowing all of this, I still take part in many of the systems that create these horrific problems. In nearly every aspect of my life, I am totally disconnected from almost all of the processes that take place to provide me with my current lifestyle. I try very hard to live a minimalist and socially conscious lifestyle, in order to reduce the negative impacts my life has on other living beings around the planet. But the fact of the matter is, it's just not good enough right now.

By creating a demand for any type of good or service that utilizes an unethical supply chain, I am undeniably a part of the problem. Do I realize how many immigrants in my own country are exploited to do such hard jobs for such low pay -- to create the infrastructure and goods that make modern life more convenient for me? Am I even capable of building a shelter by myself, using local materials? Why haven't I created a way to produce my own sustainable clean energy source yet? Why haven't I learned how to make my own clothing? Why am I releasing this book in print form, when it means that some more trees will have to be chopped down as a result? Why haven't I yet invented a way to convert all of the plastic floating around in the Pacific Ocean into some new form of material that can be used as a paper and ink subst.i.tute? And even if I did somehow do this, I certainly still haven't yet invented a 100% clean energy transportation system to distribute these materials without creating more air pollution in lieu of deforestation.

In every pa.s.sing moment, I have the capability to learn more, to invent more, to become more aware of the world around me, and to do better than I have in the past. For most of the years of my life, I was completely ignorant of everything that has been written in this book. I was born into this world, and just hit the ground running, totally oblivious about how much of an impact my life was already having on everyone else from before I was even old enough to walk. But the fact still remains: Ignorant or not, my actions are my actions, and I have to live with the results of those actions.

I may not have necessarily chosen to be born into this modern world the way it is, but regardless, I am here now, and I must accept that the systems and circ.u.mstances that allow for my existence can be a matter of life and death for many others around the world. Though it can be argued that others are also at fault in some way, this is not the highest priority concern for me right now, and can largely become a distraction. Does this make my actions any less wrong? Is focusing primarily on what others do -- rather than on what I do -- really the most effective way to create positive change? I do not control anyone else's actions, and yet I do control 100% of my own; so it seems pretty clear to me that I need to focus on improving myself first and foremost. I cannot throw my hands up in the air, act helpless, and abdicate myself of responsibility, because then my entire life would be a lie. There is nothing we can ever do to force anyone else to change, but we can always do our very best to inspire through leading by example. I am completely responsible for all of the negative impacts I've created, and I am completely responsible for all of the positive impacts that I am capable of producing that I have not created yet. This is why it's all my fault.

To delve deeper into this philosophy, I've created a hypothetical thought experiment for you to consider. I call it: The stranded island dilemma. Suppose that a plane were to crash on a stranded island. You are one of one hundred survivors, all of which are strangers. After searching around for awhile, you discover that there is no source of food anywhere in sight, and everyone is in danger of starving to death.

Then, you come across a giant mountain. Since this is the only place you haven't been to yet on the island, everyone decides that trying to climb it is the only hope left for finding some sort of food supply to survive. And so, the climb begins. It doesn't take long before it dawns upon the group that this mountain is extremely dangerous to navigate. A sense of despair and hopelessness begins to wash over the group, as it is uncertain as to whether or not anyone will even be able to get to the top.

Fortunately for you and nineteen of the other survivors (making ten women and ten men in total), you are expert mountain climbers. On the way up the mountain, the other eighty people try as hard as they can, but are physically unable to make it to the top. Some are old, some are young, and some are physically or mentally handicapped. The others are just not physically gifted enough to make the climb.

You and the nineteen other climbers finally make it to the top. When you get there, you discover a giant lake; with rows of fruits, vegetables, beans, and nuts growing around it. It is more than enough food to feed all one hundred survivors for the foreseeable future. You and the other climbers are ecstatic, realizing that starvation will no longer be an issue, and that you can now relax a little. While searching around the mountaintop, you come across a field full of grapes. The grape vines are some of the longest and strongest vines you've ever seen. Then, you remember that the other eighty survivors are still stuck down at the bottom of the mountain, and that if you tried hard enough, you could figure out a way to use these vines to help the others reach the top.

Here comes the million-dollar question. Do you: A) Use the grape vines to help the other eighty survivors make it to the top of the mountain, even though doing so would mean risking the possibility that you fall off, increasing how fast you use your food supply, and exerting lots of time and effort?

Or: B) Go on just relaxing and living your easy life with the other climbers who made it, and say that it's survival of the fittest, so it sucks for the rest of those who couldn't make it to the top?

(By the way, the majority of the people atop the mountain with you have chosen option B. So if you choose option A, you will likely be considered someone with unpopular views that diverge from the mainstream. Additionally, you will find very little help or support from others, and constantly have to deal with ridicule and intentional setbacks from others who do not want to see things change.) Give this scenario some thought. Can you figure out how this is relevant to the world we live in today?

Through the years, 100% of people I've surveyed have responded that they would choose option A. Not even a single person has said that choosing option B is the right thing to do. As you can probably guess, there's a pretty obvious reason why I created this question. As I stated earlier in the book, right now, nearly half of the children on our planet do not have their basic needs met. Nearly half of the world lives on less than $2.50 a day. 80% of the world lives on less than $10 a day. Anyone who is reading this, by default, is literate. It's likely that anyone who has enough leisure time to read this also has their basic food, water and shelter needs met, and also has some extra time, money, and energy to be capable of lifting people out of poverty.

What this means, essentially, is that we are the 20% of people who are at the top of this hypothetical mountain in life. There are many other people out there right now who desperately need our help. In this simplified hypothetical scenario that cuts out all of the extraneous details, and gets right down to the core moral issue, every one of us who chooses option A is choosing to risk our lives and dedicate ourselves to lifting people out of poverty. Now, it's time for the tough questions: Are we actually living up to these ideals in real life? Are we summoning the courage to look outside of our social circles and societal norms to do what we know deep down is right, even if this means potentially having to challenge the beliefs of all of the people we've ever known? If we are not doing these things yet, what changes should we be making right now? These are the real questions we each need to look in the mirror and ask ourselves.

When I think about global poverty through this lens, it becomes obvious that I have a personal responsibility to do whatever is in my power to address these issues. By taking on this onus of responsibility, it has unlocked a fiercely intense level of pa.s.sion, fearlessness, love for humanity, and creative problem solving abilities that I never knew I had before. It unleashes something animalistic within me; like a heavy underdog charging full speed ahead to go face to face with a world-renowned champion, knowing that there is no pain or obstacle great enough that could prevent them from victory.

There is always another alternative to taking responsibility, of course -- to deflect blame and demonize others. When zooming out far enough, and looking at the big picture, it's pretty easy to see that this strategy is meant to protect the egos of the individual sides, creates polarity, and does very little in terms of creating a real solution. There is a strange phenomenon that occurs when we expect other people to take full responsibility for fixing a problem, rather than taking some responsibility ourselves: We neglect our own power, and we don't even come close to pushing the limits and seeing just how much we are truly capable of.

In situations where a person collapses in a public place, there is actually an inverse relationship between the number of people present, and the chances that someone steps up to take responsibility and help that person. The more people there are, the less of a chance there is that someone will help. There have been many cases of people dying in circ.u.mstances like these, because everyone present expected someone else to step in, and no one ended up taking on the responsibility of helping. You may question: Why -- out of all of the people there -- are you cut out to be that leader? What makes you so special and qualified? And at the exact same time, everyone else thinks this exact same thing, and no one takes meaningful action. On the other hand, if you are walking down the street alone, and you see someone collapse with no one else in sight, you innately know in that split second that it's up to you to save that person's life. It is in this lucid moment of awareness -- where you understand that another person's fate lies directly in your hands -- that you are capable of accessing the inner superhero quality buried deep within you to do whatever it takes to save them. You may have never taken on leadership roles at any previous point in your life, but that makes no difference. At this moment in time, you can instinctually discover that you are, indeed, capable of becoming a leader; not because it's easy or comfortable, but because the situation needs you to be one. There are numerous seemingly unexplainable accounts of people being capable of superhuman feats in times of emergency, such as lifting up a car to save a person that was being crushed underneath. Similarly, when we take it upon ourselves to solve a major problem, when we want it badly enough, our minds are capable of developing completely new solutions that stem from a much higher level of creativity. The more the onus of responsibility is placed upon our own shoulders, and the more we feel that it's up to us to make an impact, the more often we will access the majestic power necessary to move mountains that seemed impossible to budge. This is why, in my eyes, it is all my fault.

8.

The Journey Begins with a Single Step The past few years of my life have been very different from those of almost everyone I've ever known. It's been a wild rollercoaster ride that, at times, has left me face down in the mud, feeling unsure if I would ever gain the strength to bounce back up again. In the first chapter, you got a chance to see a glimpse into the window of some of my darkest moments. What I've yet to describe is how I got to that place, how I got out of that place, and where this road leads next.

After leaving Mexico in the second chapter, I had seen my first glimpses of self-actualization. I was extremely fortunate to have had all of the right conditions line up to allow me to overcome many of the self-doubts and insecurities that had kept me stuck in my sh.e.l.l up until that point. Life outside of the sh.e.l.l felt like I was not even living in the same universe. It was as if I had previously been living inside a black and white television set with bad reception; and then suddenly, life shifted into high definition television with a crystal clear picture, vibrant colors, and booming sounds. This new level of freedom was something that I embraced, and made the most of day in and day out. In many ways, it was infectious. I could sense it rubbing off on those around me. This would all change, however, when I officially became a civil engineer.

At first, it seemed like it would be great. I had multiple offers to choose from, and actually received a signing bonus months before I even started working. I thought: "This is ridiculous! What am I, LeBron James or something?" I began thinking about all of the possibilities; all of the things I would do with my newfound money. This was completely new to me. I had a strong scarcity-based paradigm engrained into me from years upon years of having to live tight with money. Finally, I thought, those days would be over for good. It was now time for me to ascend into the ranks of those who never had to worry about money. I wanted to know what it felt like to experience that feeling. If I wanted something small for myself, I could go buy it. I could do some really cool things to give back. My first item of business was to do some research into a philanthropic idea I had. I was interested in finding out if sports could be used as a motivating force to improve grades for children in underprivileged areas. Since so many kids love sports, and they were such an essential part of my childhood as well, I thought of an idea: What if I purchased a bunch of tickets to a pro football game, and created a raffle -- whereby the students in a chosen cla.s.s who scored an 80% or higher on all of their exams, and showed good conduct grades as well -- would be eligible to enter to win? Could this encourage kids to have a legitimate short-term reason to want to do well in school? What if I could actually get some of the players to speak to them after the game too? This could become a once in a lifetime experience! And this was only the first idea of many. The possibilities were endless.

It all seemed fine and dandy. In the time after graduation, before I was to start my engineering job, I got my real estate license. I figured that by combining my engineering work with real estate and my previous work in construction and landscaping, I'd have all the ingredients necessary to eventually work for myself as a real estate investor. I'd be a millionaire by 28, I'd settle down, get married, and live happily ever after. All of the older adults in my life were proud of me, telling me that I had a great head on my shoulders, and that I was guaranteed to have a bright future. It all sounded great on paper; but it turns out this entire plan would end up in the paper shredder not long afterward.

All my life, I was trained to believe that any type of vanilla office job was the ultimate reward for working hard. Since I had good grades, it was never a matter of if you go to college, but when you go to college. When I received my acceptance letter to attend college at the age of 16, I wasn't even aware that not going was even a legitimate life choice for me. Practically no one who had lived on my street growing up had previously graduated from college, and I was told that it was my only possible ticket to financial stability and a better life. The first thing I discovered in my new life as an engineer was that my office was overrun with petty politics. It felt like being in middle school again. No one seemed to be happy to be there, and there weren't any genuine human connections that were able to form in that type of environment. It was all phony, surface level matter. Mediocrity and apathy were the status quo. I actually got scolded for finishing all of my work too quickly, as having idle time was considered to be "sending the wrong message." Some of the people with more seniority felt it was appropriate to treat the newer employees without respect. And most importantly, I knew that the projects I was being a.s.signed to were not solving our world's problems, but were instead actually adding to them.

To put it frankly, this was not a place to grow spiritually or become a better person. It was a place to make money, bottom line -- and in order to do that, it was an unspoken requirement that you check your genuine self, values, ethics, and worldly beliefs at the door. To me, this almighty dollar that I had been taught to do anything for seemed to have become awfully expensive. This was not what I had signed up for. My job description said that it was my duty to design large-scale infrastructure; it never said anything about having to suppress the person I really was, accept second-cla.s.s behavior, work on projects that prioritize corporate profits over the well-being of human beings, and conform to a toxic company culture. It was like I was becoming a robot; fully capable of going through all of the motions, but not really feeling the sense that I was actually alive anymore. I thought that maybe it was just my company. But when speaking with numerous friends in various other industries, sure enough, similar stories would arise from everywhere. Some of the other stories were actually much worse than what I had experienced. Not a single person I knew was truly inspired by what they were doing on a daily basis. What shocked me most was how willing everyone else seemed to be to just shrug it off, accept all of this, and just use chain smoking, alcoholism, anti-depressants, mindless television, and other unhealthy addictions to zone out and hide from reality. Why hadn't anyone ever told me about this before?

During my commute to work one day, I struck up a conversation with a guy sitting next to me who was in his fifties. He asked me what I did for a living, and when I told him, he said: "That's good! Do you like it?"

"Not really," I replied.

"But why?" he asked. "That's a good job to have. I imagine it's steady and pays pretty well, no?"

"The paychecks are nice, for sure. But the people there are just so miserable and insincere, and I feel like if I stay there too long, it's just going to rub off on me. If I become a completely miserable and phony person, is there any salary that could really be high enough to make that worthwhile? There has to be something out there that's better than this. What about you, what do you do?"

"I'm a stockbroker. I've been doing it for around 30 years now."

"Do you like it?"