Introvert Power_ Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength Part 3

So Nordic people are virtually guaranteed two resources introverts crave: s.p.a.ce and time. The Norden personality emphasizes privacy, restraint, respect, and equality-values an introvert can appreciate. The dominantly Lutheran religious culture emphasizes private faith over public evangelism. Showoffs are not not appreciated. Norden restraint has been the target of parodies and jokes, pa.s.sed around freely in Minnesota, and often heard on Garrison Keillor's appreciated. Norden restraint has been the target of parodies and jokes, pa.s.sed around freely in Minnesota, and often heard on Garrison Keillor's A Prairie Home Companion. A Prairie Home Companion. An example: "Did you hear about the Norwegian who loved his wife so much he almost told her?" An example: "Did you hear about the Norwegian who loved his wife so much he almost told her?"

Could we be talking about repression repression here, rather than restraint? Are these people too nice to be fun? Is there a "wild inside" under the surface? Here are some observations: here, rather than restraint? Are these people too nice to be fun? Is there a "wild inside" under the surface? Here are some observations: The wild in Norway is found in nature, and in the physicality of the hardy people who live there. The mountainous country is cut by deep fjords and stunning lakes, until the landscape drops sharply to ragged coastline dotted with innumerable islands. Almost a third of the country extends north of the Arctic Circle. As author Donald Connery put it, "Norway is nature gone berserk." Introverts who would rather contend with nature than people would probably find a home here, as well as those of us who secretly enjoy being snowed in. Many Northerners resonate with the intensely private John Steinbeck, who wrote, "I've lived in a good climate, and it bores the h.e.l.l out of me. I like weather rather than climate."

The lands that produced the great existentialist Sren Kierkegaard (Denmark) and master filmmaker Ingmar Bergman (Sweden) reflect their deeply introspective characters. Geographic isolation and long, dark winters are conducive to "going inside," psychologically as well as physically. At its darkest, around December 21, northern Norway sees no day at all; the sun does not rise.

Intellectual pursuit and creativity also thrive in Norden, and introverted thinkers find a welcoming environment. Sweden's child, Alfred n.o.bel, is the archetype of the generative introvert. A chemist and physicist, he is best known for inventing dynamite and for his will, which established and funded the legacy now known as the n.o.bel Prize-the highest honor for achievements in world peace, science, and literature. In addition to holding 350 patents and controlling factories and laboratories in twenty countries, n.o.bel was fluent in five languages and wrote novels, poetry, and plays in his spare time. Who has time to socialize?

Statistics from the World Health Organization (2007) indicate that each of the five Nordic countries have higher suicide rates than the U.S.; however, a meta-a.n.a.lysis of life satisfaction studies (Adrian White, University of Leicester) suggest that Norden is a very happy place. Denmark ranked the happiest of the 178 nations; Iceland came in fourth (in another study, Iceland was on top), Finland and Sweden were close behind, and Norway kept Norden in the top twenty by placing 19th. The U.S. placed 23rd. White suggested that the higher rate of suicide in Norden reflects the impact of long, dark winters, not the overall quality of life. But the Nordic thinkers are on that, too: "Light cafes" allow you to sip a latte while basking in the glow of therapeutic light boxes. And the mood swings bright in this "Land of the Midnight Sun," when, around June 21, the sun stays out all night.

So, other than the weather (which, let's face it, sucks) is there a downside to this healthy, prosperous, civil, highly educated, and vacation-abundant region? The "middle way" government, with features of both democracy and socialism, seems quite suited to the introvert, who requires freedom but is not big on compet.i.tion. But citizens do pay for the balance: taxes are extremely high, and an introvert building a small business may be hard pressed to pay for the extravagant leave guaranteed to its employees. As a relatively isolated and h.o.m.ogeneous culture, it is likely that an introvert would feel very very at home here, or at home here, or very very trapped-that is, until that paid vacation rolls around. trapped-that is, until that paid vacation rolls around.

j.a.pAN: MANNERS OVER MOUTH.

As a child living in my mini-Norden, a country home next to a white-steepled Lutheran church, I developed a fascination with j.a.panese culture. In contrast to the monochromatic feel of aMinnesota winter, j.a.pan was color to me-from the jewel-toned kimono of the geisha to the ornate temples that looked like something out of Disneyland. Granted, my experience of j.a.pan was was highly influenced by Disney World-and my fixation on the j.a.panese children in "It's a Small World." Indeed, mine was a small world. Still, I have a picture book in my mind of my collected j.a.pan experiences, from visiting a j.a.panese tea garden in San Francisco to receiving a green silk kimono-style robe from my much-traveled aunt. As a young person, I wanted to learn Ikebana (the j.a.panese art of flower arranging), to raise a Bonsai (those ancient but tiny twisted trees), and to one day visit Tokyo, a place that fully met the definition of foreign to me. highly influenced by Disney World-and my fixation on the j.a.panese children in "It's a Small World." Indeed, mine was a small world. Still, I have a picture book in my mind of my collected j.a.pan experiences, from visiting a j.a.panese tea garden in San Francisco to receiving a green silk kimono-style robe from my much-traveled aunt. As a young person, I wanted to learn Ikebana (the j.a.panese art of flower arranging), to raise a Bonsai (those ancient but tiny twisted trees), and to one day visit Tokyo, a place that fully met the definition of foreign to me.

If you look back, you may also have collected a culture as a child. I have yet to visit Tokyo, and had all but forgotten my childhood vow to visit-which I had put in writing, by the way-until I began the research for this book. Jung would smile: important archetypes have a way of coming back.

j.a.pan was my archetype, but I didn't know why. Whatever it was that drew me, I felt it in the intricacies of the tea garden: the path leading through a wonderland of exquisite greenery in every texture and shape, the mossy backdrop contrasting with grey stones, accents of pink wisteria and blue iris, leading me over trickling water by way of arching miniature bridges, or alongside a pond featuring the reflection of the tiered paG.o.da, to a bench ready for me in the shade. If I'm getting carried away in my description, I am only capturing how I felt-carried away. I felt careful here, but in a good way, like I wanted to walk on my tiptoes and not disturb the experience. I shivered with secret delight. I didn't want to leave. Ever.

Now I realize that my experience in the tea garden captured what is introverted about j.a.panese society. Here was a s.p.a.ce, created with such care, not for large gatherings or shared rituals. Here was a s.p.a.ce designed to honor the private experience-a s.p.a.ce that honored me. me.

If the Nordic people are respectful, the j.a.panese are reverent. reverent. The customary greeting of the bow is an example of this reverence, as is the common preface of "honorable" when addressing someone, as in "honorable customer." Even the The customary greeting of the bow is an example of this reverence, as is the common preface of "honorable" when addressing someone, as in "honorable customer." Even the signs signs speak the language of reverence. T. R. Reid, former Tokyo bureau chief for the speak the language of reverence. T. R. Reid, former Tokyo bureau chief for the Washington Post Washington Post and author of and author of Confucius Lives Next Door, Confucius Lives Next Door, quoted a sign his neighbor put up to stop cars from blocking his narrow driveway: "We're sorry, but we must respectfully request that owners of honorable cars not connected to this household cooperate by refraining from parking in front of our humble driveway." quoted a sign his neighbor put up to stop cars from blocking his narrow driveway: "We're sorry, but we must respectfully request that owners of honorable cars not connected to this household cooperate by refraining from parking in front of our humble driveway."

I felt that reverence in the tea garden. Even though other people were enjoying the garden, I felt like I was the only inhabitant. The landscaping, arched bridges, and foliage seemed designed to block my view of the others. I was able to inhabit my own s.p.a.ce in this public place.

And the j.a.panese know that, oftentimes, the best way to honor you is to leave you alone. leave you alone. They honor personal s.p.a.ce, perhaps because they have always had so little of it. When Americans meet someone for the first time, we feel obliged to extend a hand and introduce ourselves. This practice is considered intrusive in j.a.pan, where They honor personal s.p.a.ce, perhaps because they have always had so little of it. When Americans meet someone for the first time, we feel obliged to extend a hand and introduce ourselves. This practice is considered intrusive in j.a.pan, where enryo enryo (p.r.o.nounced inn-rio), translated as "holding back" or "restraint," governs interactions. (p.r.o.nounced inn-rio), translated as "holding back" or "restraint," governs interactions.

It is common courtesy to give the other person time to size up the situation, to not overwhelm the person with your presence, so introductions are unlikely at the first meeting. Can you imagine people acting this way in America?We are taught to act on the extrovert a.s.sumption, that interaction is what people want. The j.a.panese seem to operate on the a.s.sumption that s.p.a.ce and time s.p.a.ce and time are what people want-the introvert a.s.sumption. Unfortunately, we have not figured out how to import are what people want-the introvert a.s.sumption. Unfortunately, we have not figured out how to import enryo enryo along with Toshiba electronics and Toyota cars. along with Toshiba electronics and Toyota cars.

Intrusive behavior is commonplace in America. You and a friend are having an intimate conversation in the restaurant, and a friend of your friend comes right over and interrupts you to say h.e.l.lo and start a new conversation. You're on the freeway, a lane is closing ahead, and you dutifully move over - while others use the opportunity to move ahead of you and merge at the last minute. You're on the phone and politely say you've got to go; the person on the other end keeps talking.

While these examples are annoying, especially for us introverts, intrusion takes on a whole new meaning when it comes in the form of violence-and it's here where we we could stand to feel some of that shame so a.s.sociated with the j.a.panese. According to 1998 statistics from the United Nations' Office on Drugs and Crime, murders per capita were eight times more common in the U.S. than in j.a.pan; rapes were twenty-five times more common, aggravated a.s.sault eighty-one times more common, and robbery was a staggering 146 times more common in the U.S. If you're thinking that they must have a punitive police force and scary prisons, not so. According to Reid, "the nation has one-third as many police per capita, one-fifth as many judges, one-twentieth as many jail cells" as the United States. Reid, who lived with his family in j.a.pan for five years, set out to explain this "social miracle." His answer: Confucius. could stand to feel some of that shame so a.s.sociated with the j.a.panese. According to 1998 statistics from the United Nations' Office on Drugs and Crime, murders per capita were eight times more common in the U.S. than in j.a.pan; rapes were twenty-five times more common, aggravated a.s.sault eighty-one times more common, and robbery was a staggering 146 times more common in the U.S. If you're thinking that they must have a punitive police force and scary prisons, not so. According to Reid, "the nation has one-third as many police per capita, one-fifth as many judges, one-twentieth as many jail cells" as the United States. Reid, who lived with his family in j.a.pan for five years, set out to explain this "social miracle." His answer: Confucius.

You cannot be an introvert and live on a cul-de-sac. You cannot be an introvert and live on a cul-de-sac.-Margit, who now lives on a corner and is much happier Confucianism,more a code of ethics than a religion, has been woven into the fabric of j.a.panese life since the dawn of formal education. If you want to get a real feel for this phenomenon, read Confucius Lives Next Door, Confucius Lives Next Door, but to employ the American "bottom line," here's the gist: but to employ the American "bottom line," here's the gist: Everyone is responsible for making things work. Everyone is responsible for making things work. Harmony, or Harmony, or wa, wa, is a central value, and responsibility for is a central value, and responsibility for wa wa is taught right alongside reading, geography, and math. The policing body is the individual conscience-the guilt and shame we are so phobic of in America. is taught right alongside reading, geography, and math. The policing body is the individual conscience-the guilt and shame we are so phobic of in America.

Here's the paradox of j.a.pan: It's a society that honors the whole over the individual, and because of that, individuals don't get in your way. It's a traditionally vertical society with strong moral codes, but the codes apply to the owners and managers as much as they do to the workers. And what about pay? A 2001 Business Week Business Week story reported that, while CEOs for the top U.S. companies made story reported that, while CEOs for the top U.S. companies made 531 times 531 times as much as their employees, j.a.pan's top CEOs make ten times more than the employees, the lowest discrepancy of all the countries surveyed. And, perhaps the biggest paradox of all, Tokyo is a bustling city of over twelve million people, yet Reid felt comfortable allowing his ten-year-old girl to go with her ten-year-old friend-by train, as much as their employees, j.a.pan's top CEOs make ten times more than the employees, the lowest discrepancy of all the countries surveyed. And, perhaps the biggest paradox of all, Tokyo is a bustling city of over twelve million people, yet Reid felt comfortable allowing his ten-year-old girl to go with her ten-year-old friend-by train, by themselves by themselves-to Tokyo Disneyland for the day.

As I read Reid's account, I became conscious of how important safety safety is to the introvert. I remembered going on a long walk while vacationing with my parents, returning happy and refreshed, only to be greeted by a lecture from mom and dad: I was a young woman, and it was dangerous for me to be walking alone in a strange place. I remember the lecture well, because my parents were not typically that protective; with ten kids, they had learned to trust our resilience. I also remember my refusal to take in what they were saying. That walk, beyond the boundaries of shared territory, elevated me to a timeless reality that I knew was good. How could this be ill-advised? My a.s.sumption of safety may have been naive-though I did return unscathed-but it was an a.s.sumption I did not want to give up. And, apparently, it's an a.s.sumption that is alive and well in j.a.pan. is to the introvert. I remembered going on a long walk while vacationing with my parents, returning happy and refreshed, only to be greeted by a lecture from mom and dad: I was a young woman, and it was dangerous for me to be walking alone in a strange place. I remember the lecture well, because my parents were not typically that protective; with ten kids, they had learned to trust our resilience. I also remember my refusal to take in what they were saying. That walk, beyond the boundaries of shared territory, elevated me to a timeless reality that I knew was good. How could this be ill-advised? My a.s.sumption of safety may have been naive-though I did return unscathed-but it was an a.s.sumption I did not want to give up. And, apparently, it's an a.s.sumption that is alive and well in j.a.pan.

In the way Norden attends to the mind, j.a.pan attends to the spirit. The ancient and distinctly j.a.panese religion of Shintoism Shintoism teaches that the divine spirit infuses all things, which may explain why all things are so honored in j.a.pan, whether natural or material. The beauty and symmetry of nature are seen as reflections of the G.o.ds. The school of Buddhism called teaches that the divine spirit infuses all things, which may explain why all things are so honored in j.a.pan, whether natural or material. The beauty and symmetry of nature are seen as reflections of the G.o.ds. The school of Buddhism called Zen- Zen-derived from the word "medita-tion"-became popular in j.a.pan for its focus on spiritual practice rather than religious study. And, in j.a.pan, life seems to be be a meditation. Numerous practices, from sweeping the floor to writing calligraphy to serving tea, infuse the mundane with spiritual meaning and beauty. a meditation. Numerous practices, from sweeping the floor to writing calligraphy to serving tea, infuse the mundane with spiritual meaning and beauty.

Now I realize that the j.a.panese values of restraint, harmony, and spiritual care had all contributed to my experience in the tea garden. But what cost do the j.a.panese people pay for this beauty, this reverence - for their "social miracle"? While violence against others is rare, violence against the self is a problem. j.a.pan has one of the highest suicide rates among industrialized countries-a problem that the government is finally addressing through a ten-year suicide-reduction initiative. And, even with moves toward equality, j.a.panese women are still affected by longstanding prohibitions against their personal fulfillment, which are often summed up as the Three Obediences: Three Obediences: "When she is young, she obeys her father; when she is married, she obeys her husband; when she is widowed, she obeys her son." And much media attention has focused on the "When she is young, she obeys her father; when she is married, she obeys her husband; when she is widowed, she obeys her son." And much media attention has focused on the hikikomori- hikikomori-young people, usually male, who shut themselves in their rooms for at least six months, and often years. These young men often feel overwhelmed by the pressure to succeed in such a performance-oriented society; some are rebelling over their limited career options, and many have been socially ostracized for sticking out. As the j.a.panese saying goes, "The nail that sticks out gets hammered in." A 2006 New York Times New York Times article noted one article noted one hikikomori hikikomori who was bullied at school because his natural talent for baseball put him ahead of his hard-working teammates. The same boy would likely be a hero in the United States! who was bullied at school because his natural talent for baseball put him ahead of his hard-working teammates. The same boy would likely be a hero in the United States!

Michael Zielenziger, who studied the hikikomori hikikomori phenomenon in his book phenomenon in his book Shutting Out the Sun, Shutting Out the Sun, notes that, while American youth tend to rebel in more aggressive ways, j.a.panese youth rebel in the j.a.panese way-by withdrawing. The squeaky wheel doesn't get grease in j.a.pan and, conversely, recluses tend to fade from view in America. But the notes that, while American youth tend to rebel in more aggressive ways, j.a.panese youth rebel in the j.a.panese way-by withdrawing. The squeaky wheel doesn't get grease in j.a.pan and, conversely, recluses tend to fade from view in America. But the hikikomori are hikikomori are getting attention-if only because they are hiding out in their parents' homes. Psychologists pore over the problem, parents reluctantly seek counseling, and a program called getting attention-if only because they are hiding out in their parents' homes. Psychologists pore over the problem, parents reluctantly seek counseling, and a program called New Start New Start sends out "rental sisters" who are trained to befriend and mentor these boys into their program and eventually into society. And just as youthful protestors have been forces of change in our society, the sends out "rental sisters" who are trained to befriend and mentor these boys into their program and eventually into society. And just as youthful protestors have been forces of change in our society, the hikikomori hikikomori are slowly shaking up a society where change itself upsets the illusion of perfect harmony. are slowly shaking up a society where change itself upsets the illusion of perfect harmony.

The contrasts between American extroversion and j.a.panese introversion reveal the limitations, as Jung put it, of a "one-sided att.i.tude." The ancient Tai Chi Tai Chi symbol captures the ways opposites flow into each other: go too far in one direction, and the need for the other becomes apparent. The symbol captures the ways opposites flow into each other: go too far in one direction, and the need for the other becomes apparent. The yang yang is the bright force a.s.sociated with extroversion and the West, with Sun and Heaven. is the bright force a.s.sociated with extroversion and the West, with Sun and Heaven. Yang Yang energy is active and masculine, and flows forward, upward, and outward. The energy is active and masculine, and flows forward, upward, and outward. The yin yin is the dark force a.s.sociated with introversion and the East. The energy of is the dark force a.s.sociated with introversion and the East. The energy of yin yin flows backward, downward, and inward, and has characteristics of femininity, stillness, pa.s.sivity, and the life of the unconscious. Moon and Earth capture the essence of flows backward, downward, and inward, and has characteristics of femininity, stillness, pa.s.sivity, and the life of the unconscious. Moon and Earth capture the essence of yin. yin.

Note that yin yin harbors a nucleus of harbors a nucleus of yang, yang, and visa versa. The nucleus is akin to Jung's and visa versa. The nucleus is akin to Jung's shadow shadow concept-the denied part of us that haunts our dreams until we pay attention. Applied to America and j.a.pan, this may explain both the fear and the fascination between our two cultures: America's hunger for all things Eastern, from yoga to manga, and j.a.pan's obsession with American trends. Of the latter, Reid noted that, when he lived in j.a.pan, it was extremely difficult to find a T-shirt or cap with a j.a.panese slogan on it: everything was in English. He shared some comical translations, such as "I love you guitar to dying" on one T-shirt, and commented that getting it right was not the point-getting it in English concept-the denied part of us that haunts our dreams until we pay attention. Applied to America and j.a.pan, this may explain both the fear and the fascination between our two cultures: America's hunger for all things Eastern, from yoga to manga, and j.a.pan's obsession with American trends. Of the latter, Reid noted that, when he lived in j.a.pan, it was extremely difficult to find a T-shirt or cap with a j.a.panese slogan on it: everything was in English. He shared some comical translations, such as "I love you guitar to dying" on one T-shirt, and commented that getting it right was not the point-getting it in English was. was.

Though Zielenziger's book focuses on a problem in j.a.panese society, the author acknowledges the positive side of j.a.pan's conservatism, as well as the ways j.a.pan and the U.S. have each mastered only part of the equation: The gentle, minimalist character of traditional j.a.pan, that which seeks harmony with nature instead of trying to tame it, and finds beauty in the spa.r.s.e rather than in the abundant, has much to teach a contemporary world now confronted by physical and resource limits...If j.a.pan has yet to acknowledge the crucial role of the individual in creating social responsibility, then we in America have failed to articulate the sense of community and community obligation needed to mitigate the excesses of individualism.

Here is the paradox of introversion in society: individualism gives each of us a voice, but excesses of individualism result in a cacophony of voices, allowing only the loudest to be heard. So how do we remain individuals and introverts too? Norden and j.a.pan are both free societies with introverted values, but they both have the advantage (and disadvantage) of housing a relatively h.o.m.ogeneous population. Interestingly, MBTI research in other countries tends to replicate the fifty-fifty split between introverts and extroverts-which, if the split holds for Norden and j.a.pan-means that there may be a lot of frustrated extroverts out there!

The reality is, though, that if America is truly "of the people," we are not as extroverted as we've been led to believe. If we are not ready to pull up our stakes and head north, east, or in another direction that holds promise, perhaps we can import some of these introverted ideas: Look to like-minded subgroups to provide you islands of calm, whether you know the people in the group (i.e., introverted friends) or not (i.e., quiet people at the coffeehouse).

Claim the power of silence and vagueness. American businessmen have been known to put themselves at a disadvantage by too readily putting their cards on the table while their j.a.panese counterparts stay calmly silent or provide a vague response. The quiet, less aggressive party is able to feel out the talker, gaining the advantage of more information and more time.

Dare to find wildness in nature-there are fewer people there.

Create s.p.a.ce for yourself by planting a garden, clearing clutter, or honoring a mundane task.

Physical hardiness and a strong work ethic allow you to thrive in solitary places.

See the wisdom in holding back, staying put, and seeking harmony.

Some realities can be seen better in the dark.

INTROVERTIA.

Though we can identify societies that nurture introversion, and there are many more to explore, the ideal society, our "Introvertia," is best designed from the inside out. What kind of society would you design? What features would you take from places you've been or places you imagine? To start the brainstorming, here are a few good ideas received from a few good introverts: We would redesign our urban model around green s.p.a.ce. -Doug My ideal society is a dark coffee shop with lots of couches. Smoking is allowed, but there is a great air filtration system. Dark, chill, with lots of corners and nooks and crannies to hide in. Then, if you want to socialize, you could ask someone for a lighter.-Jessica Manzanillo, Mexico, was the best place I have ever been.

There, everybody dances, but I didn't feel very good about my skills (or lack thereof ) and didn't want to. To sum it up, they didn't care at all what decision I made and smiled and had a great time with me anyway.-Solveig Anywhere where there are vast expanses of water (lake, rivers, marshlands) or land (mown gra.s.s, prairie gra.s.s fields), or extensive vistas (Grand Canyon, Washington State waterways). [A] society wherein people spoke slowly, clearly, and spa.r.s.ely. Sort of like West Texas and Montana (ranching country). Activities rely more on accomplishments and less on social interaction as outcomes.-Phil Provide nondenominational "chapels" or gardens, places like the English gardens, designed to accommodate melancholia- melancholia-what used to be an accepted form of social isolation.-Doug I loved living in Chicago. People in Chicago don't make eye contact with one another when they walk down the street. I didn't realize how comfortable I was with that until I moved away! And there's something to do ALL of the time in ANY price range.-Lisa Portland has it all...including...its own chapter of the now international Church of Craft...where an introvert is free to craft away in a supportive environment and explore the work of others without feeling pressured into mandatory mingling. We even let extroverts join us... We're just that kind of open, gutsy group! -Suzanne I like the cafe village culture of Europe, because there's cultural acceptance for finding a niche in the corner of a cafe or of the plaza and staying there all day. No one's rushing you out to accommodate the next customer. -Doug No one would ever need to speak. We would communicate with thoughts and emotions, leaving only room for the 100 percent truth. If we felt a need to speak or sing, that would be accepted just the same, but we still could not lie. Our emotions would give us away. Also I think it would be nice to have some outward sign of feeling. For example, many animals' ears naturally turn a certain way to show how they feel. Back shows discomfort, to the side shows content, and forward demonstrates attention and awareness.-Solveig For me, it would be first and foremost a much quieter and less rude society. Fewer bars, more walking paths. Less idle conversation, more reading. Fewer incursions into other nations' affairs, more resources devoted to domestic problems.-Don It would be an island in the Caribbean with a handful of inhabitants from various countries. We would speak different languages, so that our communication would be more basic and nonverbal. The warmth would allow freedom of movement and little need for clothing. Havens of nature would provide privacy and inspiration. A new mode of transportation would allow travel to any point on earth without requiring a large airport.-Laurie There's no sweeter feeling than when I'm driving on the back roads of West Virginia and no one knows where I am. There's something delicious about the world not knowing where I am.-Doug As you scan the places you dreamed of as a child, the havens you've discovered in your travels, and the ideas presented here, notice what themes emerge for you. Write or paint or just imagine your version of Introvertia. Introvertia. Then consider how you might create this society within your society. Can you bring in elements of Then consider how you might create this society within your society. Can you bring in elements of Introvertia Introvertia through your decor or your lifestyle? Even a small symbol can serve as a reminder. When I visited the Amazon, a shaman told me that I had the spirit of a pink dolphin, "quiet and intelligent." As I swam in the same waters that provided a home for these dolphins, I realized that I have always felt at home in water, that I gave my boys "dolphin rides" when they were little, and that I love swimming underwater. I have a carved pink dolphin in my office to remind me of this submerged home. through your decor or your lifestyle? Even a small symbol can serve as a reminder. When I visited the Amazon, a shaman told me that I had the spirit of a pink dolphin, "quiet and intelligent." As I swam in the same waters that provided a home for these dolphins, I realized that I have always felt at home in water, that I gave my boys "dolphin rides" when they were little, and that I love swimming underwater. I have a carved pink dolphin in my office to remind me of this submerged home.

Imagine importing pieces of the puzzle from the places you love and putting them together in the center of your life. In the next section, The Introvert's Wish List, The Introvert's Wish List, we bring in some of these pieces and discuss how to set them up where you live, love, work, and play. You'll have plenty of room to customize the vision as you go. we bring in some of these pieces and discuss how to set them up where you live, love, work, and play. You'll have plenty of room to customize the vision as you go.

Part II:

The Introvert's Wish List

Chapter 6:.

A Room of Your Own

A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction.-Virginia Woolf Ahhh, a room of your own. When you were a kid, you may have been lucky enough to have your own room: a place where you kept your your stuff, a place where you could be in charge, a place that reflected-whether through your stuffed animals or your rock band posters-what you cared about. Perhaps you even posted a "Keep Out" sign on the door. If you shared a room, you probably had a side or area that was yours. When my sister and I graduated from our bunks in the hallway to a shared room, I established an invisible dividing line between my side and my sister's-it cut right through the middle of the double bed. My side was j.a.panese-style, neat and uncluttered. My extroverted sister's side was a mess. What I had were drawers, little boxes, a red vinyl pencil case-containers that held my treasures. And I had my journals. I hid things in secret places. Private s.p.a.ce was not a given in my home, so I learned to create it everywhere I could. stuff, a place where you could be in charge, a place that reflected-whether through your stuffed animals or your rock band posters-what you cared about. Perhaps you even posted a "Keep Out" sign on the door. If you shared a room, you probably had a side or area that was yours. When my sister and I graduated from our bunks in the hallway to a shared room, I established an invisible dividing line between my side and my sister's-it cut right through the middle of the double bed. My side was j.a.panese-style, neat and uncluttered. My extroverted sister's side was a mess. What I had were drawers, little boxes, a red vinyl pencil case-containers that held my treasures. And I had my journals. I hid things in secret places. Private s.p.a.ce was not a given in my home, so I learned to create it everywhere I could.

Think about your room as a child. What items did you keep there? How did you decorate the s.p.a.ce? Whether you got to pick the bedspread or not, your style was reflected in how you tended the s.p.a.ce-packrat or minimalist, slob or neat freak, even your clutter reflected you. Maybe you established a room out of doors, in a tree house or shed, on the gra.s.s under a weeping willow, deep in the city or deep in the woods.

Where is your room today? Perhaps this seems an odd question. Adults don't have a room-we get the whole apartment or house, plus an office or cubicle at work. As kids, we had to keep our stuff in just one room. Sure, it's nice to have influence over more s.p.a.ces in the world-choosing where we live, decorating, and so on. But being so spread out has a downside: we no longer have a built-in "retreat center," a place where we can be a.s.sured of privacy, a place that is not decorated for visitors.

After all that work of getting out of our parents' home, declaring our independence and setting up a life of our own, many of us discover that we have no place place of our own. One day we look around and notice that we're living in a house with a shared kitchen, a shared living room with the TV blaring, shared bathrooms, and a shared bedroom. Help! of our own. One day we look around and notice that we're living in a house with a shared kitchen, a shared living room with the TV blaring, shared bathrooms, and a shared bedroom. Help!

It seems a cruel product of adulthood that we leave behind the concept of "my room"-that place that represents you, and only only you. Maybe you do have such a place. For many of us it's an office at home. I think computers are popular for introverts, in part, because they give a message of "I'm busy" to potential intruders. Authors, musicians, and artists can often more easily justify designating s.p.a.ce for an office or studio. But even if you can afford an extra "me" room-a room with no other function-you are in the minority if you feel free enough to make it truly you. Maybe you do have such a place. For many of us it's an office at home. I think computers are popular for introverts, in part, because they give a message of "I'm busy" to potential intruders. Authors, musicians, and artists can often more easily justify designating s.p.a.ce for an office or studio. But even if you can afford an extra "me" room-a room with no other function-you are in the minority if you feel free enough to make it truly yours. yours.

YOUR DREAM ROOM.

If you ask most people to describe their dream house, many of us could describe the dwelling in detail. But because the concept of "my room" fades with adult consciousness, you probably haven't given much thought to your dream room. room. So, here's your chance. So, here's your chance.

For now, we're looking at indoor s.p.a.ce-a place you can go to anytime, even when it's pouring rain outside. We'll start by constructing your dream room on paper. You can do this in the way that best fits you: Jot notes in this book-it's yours, after all!

Jot notes somewhere else-journal, blank sheet, blank wall.

Draw or paint your vision if you're artistically inclined.

Now go ahead and get what you need. It's okay-I'll mark your place.

As you proceed with this exercise, please do not attempt to be practical or realistic. This is your dream dream room. Another thing: this room does not have to please anyone else, so you don't need to stick to conventional rules of decorating. Think kid's room with the kid in charge. Here are some choices to consider: room. Another thing: this room does not have to please anyone else, so you don't need to stick to conventional rules of decorating. Think kid's room with the kid in charge. Here are some choices to consider: This is where you left off while getting your supplies.

Basics: What size of a room suits you?

What kind of atmosphere or feeling are you going for?

Location: Is your room attached to your home or freestanding?

Do you want to face the morning sun or the setting sun?

Do you prefer to be on ground level or an upper floor?

What view do you prefer?

Ceiling, Doors and Windows: How high is your ceiling?

How much gla.s.s do you want and where-windows, skylights, walls?

Where is the entry to your room?

Do you want a separate door going outside?

Would you like your own deck, balcony, or patio?

Interior Elements: Would you like carpet, hardwood, or tile?

Do you want heavy drapes, blinds, or no window coverings?

Would you like a fireplace? What type?

Do you prefer bright or subdued lighting?

Do you want a closet or highly organized storage area?

Let's pause here. Before we put any items in your room, imagine arriving here after a day out in public-a day of interruptions, noise, and talk. You have longed to retreat to this room all day. What are your needs? How do you want to re-energize?

As you consider the room's function, what do you want in this room with you? Maybe you don't want anything-you just want to sit or lie down on the floor and breathe in the s.p.a.ce. If you'd like to add more, here are some random ideas to stimulate your thinking: Style Options: [image]Pillows, cushions, and soft throws [image]Clean lines [image]Antiques, Persian rugs [image]High-tech, futuristic [image]Color [image]Earthy, adobe [image]TV or movie theme Bring It In or Leave It Out?

[image]Tall bookcases with ladders to reach the higher shelves [image]One really good book [image]Great sound system and a library of CDs [image]Desk-antique or modern [image]Easel and paints [image]Computer [image]Guitar or grand piano [image]Journal, notepads, pens, and stationery [image]Couch or daybed [image]Huge soft chair and ottoman [image]One wall serves as a movie screen [image]Television [image]High-tech equipment [image]Art-paintings, sculpture, pottery [image]Animal companion(s) Let's take things a bit further: Are there any super-gaudy items you want to include that others would disapprove of? These may include toys, souvenirs, or just stuff you like but don't allow yourself. Think of your quirkiest desires, and go for it! It's your room, and you can offend if you want to.

Only in Your Your Room: Room: [image]Leg lamp [image]Pink flamingo lawn ornaments [image]Strings of lights [image]Favorite action hero collection [image]Barbie collection [image]Neon [image]Train and miniature village [image]Duck decoys [image]Velvet [image]Elvis painting [image]Rock collection SPECIFICATIONS FOR DON'S ROOM:.

Big screen TV Excellent sound system Vast music collection Kick-a.s.s computer Serious exercise equipment Good books Comfortable furniture Day bed Beautiful view Musical instruments Sports memorabilia Mellow cat and/or dog At this point, you may find your room getting too cluttered. Feel free to remove items or expand the room, or both. Ask yourself which five items you would keep in the room if everything else had to go. This will give you clarity on what you value. Take a moment to move out anything that gets in the way of the free expression of who you are. Bring in anything required for that expression.

Rest. Look around. Know that you can change your dream room anytime you like, and you can even create different models and pick your favorite.

FROM DREAM TO REAL.

I had you do this exercise to begin to break you of the habit of decorating for other other people and to begin making s.p.a.ce for your inner life. Do you find yourself getting things ready-cleaning, fluffing pillows, arranging fresh flowers-only when you have company coming? Or if you do make things "just right" for you, do you relax and enjoy the s.p.a.ce? It seems ironic that so many American homes maintain formal living rooms that are for display only, not for living! And, for introverts, the family room may easily become overstimulating-that is, if you have a family. From a young age, I was aware that the center of the home, the living room (we didn't have a formal one), was not my s.p.a.ce-and it's still not. I fought this reality for years, but now happily relinquish the s.p.a.ce much of the time to my husband and boys. I go to my room. people and to begin making s.p.a.ce for your inner life. Do you find yourself getting things ready-cleaning, fluffing pillows, arranging fresh flowers-only when you have company coming? Or if you do make things "just right" for you, do you relax and enjoy the s.p.a.ce? It seems ironic that so many American homes maintain formal living rooms that are for display only, not for living! And, for introverts, the family room may easily become overstimulating-that is, if you have a family. From a young age, I was aware that the center of the home, the living room (we didn't have a formal one), was not my s.p.a.ce-and it's still not. I fought this reality for years, but now happily relinquish the s.p.a.ce much of the time to my husband and boys. I go to my room.

If you do not have a room that is yours alone, it's time to create such a s.p.a.ce. You may have an office that you use more than other family members-this may work. Or perhaps you have a room that is just being used for storage. If you're only using a room a couple times a year-i.e., guest room or dining room-consider taking it over. Depending on your climate, a screened-in porch or conservatory may work. Of course, you'll want to talk with other family members about what you're doing, but do so only after you're convinced that this is a great idea. Believe me, it is.

A room of your own provides "the still point of the turning world," to use T. S. Eliot's imagery. It's a place, like the kid's room, that you know is there for you. It's a place for the items that have meaning only to you. As you look around at your things, your priorities, you become more of who you are. Your room becomes your mirror.

Even if your s.p.a.ce is too limited right now, mapping out your room on paper will set the course toward that reality. Years ago, I created a "Discovery Journal," a bound artist's book that I filled with collages, an idea provided by Sarah Breathnach in her wonderful book, Simple Abundance. Simple Abundance. The idea is to cut out images you are drawn to (even if you don't know The idea is to cut out images you are drawn to (even if you don't know why why you are drawn to them), arrange them on a blank page, and glue them down. I found myself collecting pictures of rooms, interior decor and, repeatedly, colored tile. A series of events had us moving across country and in a position to build a house of our own design. I pulled out my Discovery Journal, and my house was in there! I even brought the journal to a tile supplier and used it as a design guide. My dream became a reality. you are drawn to them), arrange them on a blank page, and glue them down. I found myself collecting pictures of rooms, interior decor and, repeatedly, colored tile. A series of events had us moving across country and in a position to build a house of our own design. I pulled out my Discovery Journal, and my house was in there! I even brought the journal to a tile supplier and used it as a design guide. My dream became a reality.

Years later, when we moved to our current, older home, I claimed the small den with large windows and a built-in bookcase. I was excited that there was a closet in the room with built-in drawers. The plaster on the walls was cracked in places, which provided me a great opportunity: I started a collage! At the time of this writing, I have half a wall completely covered in images of what I love. My mirror.

So, whatever it is you dream up, as Goethe said, "begin it."

SPECIFICATIONS FOR INGRID 'S ROOM:.

I'd like my room to be most of all quiet. Ideally a screened-in porch on a nice day is perfect (again, as long as it's quiet). I'd like a comfortable sofa to sit/lie on and lots of reading material (preferably a combination of magazines, books, and newspapers), plus a pencil and eraser and semi-complicated crossword puzzles. Finally, I'd like a quiet companion, however, only the nonspeaking kind. My dog would fulfill that role.

ROOM OUTSIDE.

For many introverts, there is no better shelter than the one provided by nature: the endless sky above; the trees, mountains or infinite horizon all around; the good, solid earth under foot. Finding a private s.p.a.ce outside is harder for some of us than for others. Some of us have a semi-private backyard, others have vast woods out back, and still others have only small or shared patches of green in the midst of concrete.

A neighbor of mine recently called me over to show me a "room" she had built along the shady side of her cottage-sized house. As I entered the s.p.a.ce, I felt the boundaries of her room, even though there were no walls enclosing it. She had used tree stump slabs and tiny white rocks to construct a path leading in; an arbor set between a tree and the house to form the doorway; a bench, easel, and small table made up the furniture; and candles on the ground provided mood lighting. Her paints, notebook, and pen were waiting for her on the bench.

The beauty of an outdoor room is that it offers both privacy and expansiveness-the trees around and the sky above. Creating and caring for a private outdoor s.p.a.ce can provide a Zen-like sense of calm. When I was little, my sister and I created a playhouse in the woods by raking little clearings between the trees and designating them as rooms. We made hallways between the rooms, and even planted a little garden outside. For furnishings, we scavenged the junk pile nearby, which provided an endless supply of treasures. As I looked back, there was something in the raking itself-in the founding of my own s.p.a.ce in nature-that gave me immense pleasure. I think of Th.o.r.eau and the joy he found in setting up his house in the natural habitat of Walden Pond.

There is a vast difference between the quiet pleasure of tending a private s.p.a.ce and the pressure of outdoor work that only improves the view for our neighbors. Both are valid, and an attractive yard is indeed a gift to the neighborhood, but I feel a certain sadness when I pa.s.s by a manicured lawn that I know will not enjoy the dance of bare feet. Like the good china, it is not to be touched.

SPECIFICATIONS FOR BETH'S ROOM:.

Surrounded by nature, not walls A rock overlooking an expanse of mountains that fall into the ocean Ancient, wise conifer trees forming a half circle around me The smell of the sea and pine needles The sound of a stream winding down the slope into the ocean and birds singing, calling to one another The feel of the earth beneath me Sandy soil that I can run through my fingers The knowledge that life surrounds me-life that began before me and will continue after I am gone What defines an outdoor room may be very simple: a bistro table and chair where you sit with your coffee and read, a fire pit in the backyard that allows you warmth at night, a rooftop in the city that renders people and cars smaller and the sky bigger. And nature provides many dwelling places-from the natural rock furniture on top of a hill to the walls of tall gra.s.s that encircle you when you lay in a meadow.

Just as Jung discovered treasures deep in the unconscious, Emerson found "wild delight" as he lingered in nature. As many solitary explorers have discovered, nature seems to hear and understand, to provide an empathy beyond the capacity of humans. Emerson captures this empathic response in his writings: If a man would be alone, let him look at the stars... The stars awaken a certain reverence, because though always present, they are inaccessible; but all natural objects make a kindred impression, when the mind is open to their influence... The greatest delight, which the fields and woods minister, is the suggestion of an occult relation between man and the vegetable. I am not alone and unacknowledged. They nod to me, and I to them. The waving of the boughs in the storm, is new to me and old...Nature always wears the colors of the spirit.