In Convent Walls Part 41

Sister Philippa grew redder.

"Was that your intention?" my Lady persisted.

"I am sure I am as poor as any body!" sobbed the Sister. "We never get any thing good. All the nice things we make go to the poor, or to guests. I can't see why one might not have a bite one's self."

"Were you going to eat them yourself?"

"One of them, I was: the others were for Sister Roberga."

"Sister Roberga shall answer for herself. I will have no tale-telling in my house. This evening at supper, Sister, you will stand at the end of the refectory, with that placenta in your hand, and say in the hearing of all the Sisters--'I stole this placenta from the kitchen, and I ask pardon of G.o.d and the Saints for that theft.' Then you may eat it, if you choose to do so."

My Lady confiscated the remainder, leaving the placenta in Sister Philippa's hand. She looked for a minute as if she would heartily like to throw it down, and stamp on it: but either she feared to bring on herself a heavier punishment, or she did not wish to lose the dainty.

She wrapped it in her coverchief, and went upstairs, sobbing as she went.

My Lady despatched Sister Marian at once to fetch Sister Roberga. She came, looking defiant enough, and confessed brazenly that she knew of Sister Philippa's theft, and had incited her to it.

"I thought as much," said my Lady sternly, "and therefore I dealt the more lightly with your poor dupe, over whom I have suspected your influence for evil a long while. Sister Annora, do you and Sister Isabel take this sinner to the penitential cell, and I will take counsel how to use her."

We tried to obey: but Sister Roberga proved so unmanageable that we had to call in three more Sisters ere we could lodge her in the cell. At long last we did it; but my arms ached for some time after.

Sister Philippa performed her penance, looking very shamefaced: but she left the placenta on the table of the refectory, and I liked her all the better for doing so. I think my Lady did the same.

Sister Roberga abode in the penitential cell till evening, when my Lady sent for the four Mothers: and we found there the Master himself, Father Benedict, and Father Mortimer. The case was talked over, and it was agreed that Sister Roberga should be transferred to Shuldham where, as is reported, the Prioress is very strict, and knows how to hold her curb. This is practically a sentence of expulsion. We four all agreed that she was the black sheep in the Abbey, and that several of the younger Sisters--in especial Sister Philippa--would conduct themselves far better if she were removed. Sister Ismania was sent to tell her the sentence. She tossed her head and pretended not to care; but I cannot believe she will not feel the terrible disgrace. Oh, why do women enter into the cloister who have no vocation? and, ah me! why is it forced upon them?

At last I have been to confession to Father Mortimer, and I think I understand better what Margaret means, when she speaks of confessing to Father Benedict such things as he expects to hear. I never could see why it must be a sin to eat a lettuce without making the holy sign over it. Surely, if one thanks G.o.d for all He gives us, He will not be angered because one does not repeat the thanksgiving for every little separate thing. Such thoughts of G.o.d seem to me to be bringing Him down, and making Him seem full of little foolish details like men--and like the poorest-minded sort of men too. I see that people of high intellect, while they take much care of details that go to make perfection--as every atom of a flower is beautifully finished--take no care at all for mere trivialities--what my Lady calls fads--such as is, I think, making the sign of the cross over every mouthful one eats.

Well, I made my confession and was absolved: and I told the priest that I much wished to ask his explanation of various matters that perplexed me. He bade me say on freely.

"Father," said I, "I pray you, tell me first, is knowledge good or evil?"

"Solomon saith, my daughter, that 'a wise man is strong;' and the prophet Osee laments that G.o.d's people are 'destroyed for lack of knowledge.' Our Lord chideth the lawyers of the Jews because they took away the key of knowledge: and Paul counted all things but loss for the knowledge of Jesu Christ. Here is wisdom. Why was Adam forbidden to eat of the tree of knowledge, seeing it was knowledge of good no less than evil? Partly, doubtless, to test his obedience: yet partly also, I think, because, though the knowledge might be good in itself, it was not good for him. G.o.d never satisfies mere curiosity. He will tell thee how to come to Heaven; but what thou wilt find there, that He will not tell thee, save that He is there, and sin, suffering, and Sathanas, are not there. He will aid thee to overcome thy sins: but how sin first entered into the fair creation which He made so good, thou mayest ask, but He gives no answer. Many things there are, which perhaps we may know with safety and profit in Heaven, that would not be good for us to know here on earth. Knowledge of G.o.d thou mayest have,--yea, to the full, so far as thine earthen vessel can hold it, even here. Yet beware, being but an earthen vessel, that thy knowledge puff thee not up. Then shall it work thee ill instead of good. Moreover, have nought to do with knowledge of evil; for that is ill, altogether."

"Then, how is it, Father," said I, "that some folks see their way so much plainer than others, and never become tangled in labyrinths? They seem to see in a moment one thing to be done, and that only: not as though they walked along a road which parted in twain, and knew not which turn to take."

"There may be many reasons. Some have more wit than others, and thus perceive the best way. Some are less readily turned aside by minor considerations. Some let their will conflict with G.o.d's will: and some desire to perceive His only, and to follow it."

"Those last are perfect men," said I.

"Ay," he made answer: "or rather, they are sinners whom Christ first loved, and taught to love Him back. My daughter, love is the great clue to lead thee out of labyrinths. Whom lovest thou--Jesu Christ, or Sister Alianora?"

"Now, Father, you land me in my last puzzle. I have always been taught, ever since I came hither, a little child, that love of G.o.d and the holy saints is the only love allowed to a religious woman. All other love is worldly, carnal, and wicked. Tell me, is this true?"

"No." The word came quick and curt.

"Truly," said I, "it would give me great relief to be a.s.sured of that.

The love of our kindred, then, is permitted?"

"'Whoso loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love G.o.d whom he hath not seen? And this mandate we have from G.o.d: that he who loveth G.o.d, love his brother also.'"

"Father," said I, fairly enchanted to hear such words, "are those words of some holy doctor, such as Saint Austin?"

"They are the words," saith he softly, "of the disciple that Jesu loved.

He seems to have caught a glimmer of his Master."

"But," said I, "doth it mean my mother's son, or only my brother in religion?"

"It can scarcely exclude thy mother's son," saith he somewhat drily.

"Daughter, see thou put G.o.d first: and love all other as much as ever thou canst."

"_Ha, jolife_!" cried I, "if the Church will but allow it."

"What G.o.d commandeth," said he, "can not His Church disallow."

Methought I heard a faint stress on the p.r.o.noun.

"Father," said I, "are there more Churches than one?"

"There is one Bride of Christ. There is also a synagogue of Satan."

"Ah! that, I count, is the Eastern Church, that man saith hath departed from the faith."

"They that depart from the faith make that Church. I fear they may so do in the West as well as the East."

"Well, in the most holy universal Church are counted both the holy Roman Church, and our own mother, the Church of England," said I. "I know not if it include the Eastern schism or no."

"All these," saith he, "are names of men, and shall perish. All that is of man must come to nought. The Church Catholic, true and holy, is not of man, but of G.o.d. In her is gathered every saved soul, whether he come from the east or from the west, from the north or from the south.

She is not Pauline, nor Petrine, nor Johannine, but Christian. The heavenly Bridegroom cannot have two Brides. 'One is My dove, My perfect one,' There are many counties in England; there is but one realm. So there are many so-called Churches: there is but one holy Church."

"But to find her commands," I answered, "we must, I suppose, hearken each to his own branch of the Church?"

"Her Lord's commands are hers. 'Hear thou _Him_.' The day is coming, daughter, when the Scriptures of G.o.d's Word shall be all rendered into English tongue, and, I firmly trust, shall be accessible to every man that chooses to know them. Pray thou heartily for that day; and meanwhile, keep thou close following Christ's steps, to the best of thy knowledge, and entreat Him for pardon of all unknown sins. And when the light of day is fully come, and the blessed lamp of Holy Writ placed in the hands of the people, then come to the light that thou mayest clearly see. For then woe, woe upon him that tarrieth in the shadow! 'If the light that is in thee be darkness, what darkness can equal it?'"

"Father," said I, "I thank you, for you have much comforted me. All this while have I been trying not to love folks; and I find it full hard to do."

"Battle with thy sins, Daughter, and let thy love alone. I counsel thee to beware of one thing, of which many need no warning to beware: I think thou dost. A thing is not sin because it is comfortable and pleasant; it is not good because it is hard or distasteful. Why mortify thy will when it would do good? It is the will to sin which must be mortified.

When Christ bade His disciples to 'love their enemies,' He did not mean them to hate their friends. True love must needs be true concern for the true welfare of the beloved. How can that be sin? It is not love which will help man to sin! that love cometh of Sathanas, and is 'earthly, sensual, devilish.' But the love which would fain keep man from sin,--this is G.o.d's love to man, and man cannot err in bestowing it on his brother."

"But is it sin, Father, to prefer one in love above another?"

"It is sin to love man more than G.o.d. Short of that, love any one, and any how, that ever thou wilt. The day _may_ come--"

He brake off suddenly. I looked up.

"There were wedded priests in England, not an hundred years ago," [Note 5] he said in a low voice. "And there were no monks nor nuns in the days of the Apostles. The time may come--_Fiat voluntas Tua! Filia, pax tibi_."

Thus gently dismissed, I rose up and came back into the illuminating-room, where I found Joan gathering together her brushes and other gear.

"The last time!" she said, sadly--for she returns to her home to-morrow.

"Why is it that last times are always something sorrowful? I am going home to my Ralph and the children, and am right glad to do it: and yet I feel very mournful at the thought of leaving you, dear Mother Annora.