Imzadi_ Triangle Part 35

Lwaxana closed her eyes and let out a contented sigh. "I'm a very wise woman."

"Yes, Mother."

When Deanna went to the inn, Worf was waiting for her.

She looked around. Everything of his was already packed. Her things were not. Worf was sitting very still in the middle of the room. At first he didn't even seem to notice her when she came in. She looked at him in curiosity and said, "Worf?"

"I was thinking about... when Admiral Riker came back from the future ... to save you."

"Why were you thinking about that?"

For the first time there actually seemed to be a touch of resigned admiration in Worf s voice. "He reordered the universe for you. That was how much he loved you. And yet I... could not find it in myself to save you from Sela____"

"Because of your honor. You did what was right for you."

"Alexander has ... requested some time away from me. He desires to return to his grandparents. I have ... given him permission to do so. He has already left. I would have thought he would understand, that I had taught him well. Obviously I did not. Is that the pupil's fault... or the teacher's?"

At first Deanna didn't believe it. Naturally Worf had no reason to lie, but nonetheless it was hard for her to grasp. But it was true; all of Alexander's things were gone. She just hadn't noticed it before.

"I... have been concerned that you do not love me as you do ... Will Riker," Worf said slowly. "I realize now that my priorities have been ... misplaced. My concern should have been... that I do not love you as he does. You deserve that measure of love, Deanna. And I deserve..."

"What? What? Nothing, Worf? Is that what you're going to say?" She took one of rough hands in hers. "You're tearing yourself up over this. It's not right."

"No ... it is not. Nor can I hope to find peace in my current frame of mind. For you see ... despite all of it... I still believe that I did the right thing and Riker the wrong. And yet I realize that what he did was right... but I cannot understand why. I must learn, Deanna. I cannot be him, nor should I want to be ... but in a way I do ... but it conflicts with what I have been taught."

"So ... so what are you going to do?"

"Learn other things."

"You can learn them with me, Worf. We can learn together."

He looked at her bleakly. "I am doing this ... for you, Deanna. It-we-will never work. Never. Deanna ... look at me. I am nothing like you. Look ... your eyes are tearing up. Mine are dry. They are always dry. I will never, truly, make you happy, nor you me. You and Riker belong together. The thought that you and I can never have that measure of love ... that I am incapable of giving it to you ... angers me. I must deal with this anger... with that which I lack... with all of it. I will be returning to Qo'noS shortly, to serve in whatever capacity Gowron needs me. But I will ask him to release me to the clerics of Boreth. I suspect he will do so, as in many ways it serves both our purposes. There I will study ... and learn ... and, very likely, stay."

"Stay." She felt infinitely sad. "And that is how you're going to deal with difficulty loving, Worf? By running away from it?"

And Worf stared at her in a way that she had never seen before. The Klingon warrior, who had fought battle after battle... who had thrown himself into all manner of physical punishment... who had taken pleasure in flaunting just how much pain he could take ... said four words she never thought she would hear him say: "It... hurts ... too much."

It was as if he had spent every last bit of energy getting out that sentence. And then, everything that could possibly be said having been said, he gathered up his belongings and left the room. Deanna sat there, alone, staring at the emptiness, feeling as if all the energy in the room had left with him.

When Deanna went to the Troi mansion, Will Riker was waiting for her.

A cleaning crew had already been through and put much of the house back in order. The walls had been rebuilt and replastered. Most of the objets d'art and such had not been replaced, since that was awaiting Lwaxana's personal touch.

Indeed, the only thing that seemed to have survived, miraculously, was a vase over in the corner. Riker had placed the vase on a table and was fiddling with it when she walked in. He smiled at her.

"Will! What are you doing here?" Then she brought herself up short, folded her arms and said, "Two pair."

"Four of a kind," Riker replied immediately.

She relaxed slightly. It was the new signal they had developed for each other, just on the off chance that there was the slightest reason to suspect that Thomas Riker had unexpectedly shown up. "So ... so what are you doing here?"

"Well, I did bring a few things with me when I came by here the first time. I came planetside to get them... which I have." He indicated a satchel near him. "And I... wanted to find out how Lwaxana is. And Mr. Homn."

"She's fine. They're both going to be fine. What about Starfleet? Are you in trouble for ... ?"

"Well, I'm hardly on Jellico's top ten list, but the fact that we helped to capture a number of known Romulan terrorists and busted up a conspiracy to commit genocide on the Klingons certainly weighed heavily enough in our favor that Starfleet is willing to overlook the little matter of my being AWOL."

"That's certainly a relief."

He took a deep breath and said, "Deanna... I've been doing a lot of thinking ... about us."

"Really. Well... so have I."

"And I..."

"And I..."

They laughed, both having spoken at the same time. "Can I go first?" asked Will.

"Of course."

"Deanna ... I should never have tried to come between you and Worf."

Her face fell. "What?"

"It was ... it was wrong of me. Perhaps one of the most wrong things I've ever done. I had no right. Worf was correct when he said I had my chance. I did. I was angry at him for taking you away, and I had no reason to be because I let you get away. You and Worf should be with each other, and ... I know that 'I'm sorry' doesn't begin to cover it. But... I'm sorry. And that's it, that's what I came here to say."

"Worf has gone off to a monastery."

He stared at her. "What?"

"He broke off the engagement. We're not getting married. He says"-she folded her arms-"that he can never love me to the depth and degree that you do."

"He said that?"

She nodded.

"I... see."

" 'I see'? Will," and Deanna almost had to laugh, "you went through heaven and h.e.l.l to find me ... even my own ex-fiance says we're meant to be together, and the most you can muster is 'I see'?"

"I mean, I don't know how to react."

"Well... you could take me in your arms. You could hold me, kiss me, tell me you love me. Those are acceptable approaches. That's what you came here to do, wasn't it?"

"Yes, but..." He started to pace the room, looking more and more uncomfortable. "But it's not... it wouldn't be right somehow."

She looked at him as if he'd grown a third eye. "Wouldn't be 'right'?"

"Deanna ... let's say that I say all that to you. And you tell me you love me, too. That you want the two of us to be together forever."

"I don't know if I would say that, but would that be so terrible if I did?"

"Well... yes ..."

"Yes?" Deanna felt as if someone had just knocked her world forty-five degrees to starboard.

"Look at it from my point of view... ."

"I'm trying!"

"If I said and did all the things that I'd been thinking of doing... and you told me you loved me and so on ... how would I know it's genuine? Worf just dumped you."

"I wouldn't say 'dumped'..."

"All right, he called off the engagement. He broke it off. That... that must be shattering to you. You're probably still in shock, still trying to deal with it."

"I'm dealing with it fine, Will. It's you I'm getting impatient with."

"But if I attempt to put together a relationship with you now, I won't really know if it's what you genuinely want... or whether you're just on the rebound from Worf and looking for any emotional port in a storm. It would be disrespectful to the relationship you just had with Worf. You're one big walking exposed nerve... ."

"I'm not an exposed anything!" Deanna said. "What I am is a woman who just had a fiance step aside on behalf of a man who is now saying that he doesn't want me out of respect to the man who stepped aside for him! I'm starting to feel like a leper!"

"It's not like that, Deanna," and he took her in his arms, holding her tight and rocking her back and forth. She found herself melting into the warmth of him and moving with the swaying. "I... do love you. I do. You know that."

"And I love you, Will."

"I just think we should give it time."

She stopped rocking and took a step back to look up at him. "Time," she said, her voice flat.

"Yes, time. That's all. And during that time we'll be working toward a-"

"Time!?"

"Yes. Time until it feels right..."

And she stalked him. Riker backed up apprehensively. "Deanna..."

"You know what? The only time you seem to want me ... is when you can't have me! But when I'm available, suddenly you run in the opposite direction!"

"That's not true," Riker protested, running in the opposite direction. He snagged his satchel and said, "I think what we should do is discuss this when you're less emotionally worked up. This is for your own good...."

"I am sick of people doing things for my own good, and I can a.s.sure you, you have not even begun to see me get worked up."

"Wait... I know." He held up a cautioning figure and put on his most charming smile. "I know... what you like to hear." He cleared his throat, straightened his shoulders, and, sounding more romantic than he ever had, started to recite...

"I hold you close to me.

Feel the breath of you, and the wonder of you And remember a time Without you But only as one would remember a bleak and distant whoa!!!"

The last word was the result of Riker seeing that Deanna had suddenly grabbed up the vase that he had so carefully placed on the table. She swung it in a fast underhand arc and let fly. Riker barely dodged as the vase shattered against the wall next to him.

"I read you poetry and you throw breakable objects at me in response?" he asked in astonishment. "How could you-?"

"It felt right!" bellowed Deanna.

"I'll... I'll see you back on the Enterprise ... okay... ?"

"Not if I see you first!"

Deanna flopped down onto the couch as she listened to Riker's hastily retreating footsteps. She shook her head and sighed.

"Either I'm going to marry him ... or kill him," she said after a time. And then she realized that the two weren't necessarily mutually exclusive.

It made her feel a little better.

NOW.

Wo rorf awoke with a start... and looked for Jadzia.

She wasn't there. Her scent remained in the chair, but she was gone. It took a moment for that fact to sink in, and when it did, he felt more empty than ever.

Nothing. It had all been for nothing.

He rummaged around their ...

.. . his...

. .. quarters a bit more... and then he found a picture. A picture of the two of them from their wedding day. Worf and Jadzia, smiling toward the camera. Happy. So happy.

For nothing.

It had made no difference at all.

He ran his fingers across her portrait...

And the portrait was wet.

He didn't realize the origin at first... and then he did. It was liquid, coming from his own eyes, dripping onto the picture.

And his mind suddenly went to the world of Soukara. The world where they were to meet the Carda.s.sian informer, Lasaran ... and Jadzia had become injured. Had he left her, had he completed the mission ... she would have died, there on Soukara. Instead he had come back for her, abandoned the mission, tossed aside everything that he had ever learned about duty...

... for her.

... for Jadzia.

Because of what he had felt for her. Feelings that were beyond anything, he realized, that he had ever felt for Deanna.