If You Really Loved Me Part 31

Newell's surprise showed in his voice. "Shoot yourself? What do you mean, shoot yourself?"

"He told me that after Linda was shota"to shoot myself in the head with the gun."

"Well... Okay. How were you supposed to do that? What did you say to that?"

"I told him I was too scared."

"How were you supposed to shoot yourself in the head, Cinnamon, and not get hurt? I don't understand."

"He said that if I shot myselfa"just to where it would nick my head and make it look like I tried to kill myself. But I told him no, I was too afraid. And he said, 'Well, then, if you don't want to do that, then we'll just go with the medication.'"

There had been no gun in sight at this point, and Cinnamon didn't even know if there was onea"beyond the big guns in the locked gun case. David explained to her that he was going to leave the house, "and when he came back, you know, if it wasn't done, then he was going to leave ... leave me. Or he was going to kill himself. Or do something. Or Linda was going to kill him. He kept on saying that. And he said, 'You girlsa"' He was telling us in a way, 'You girls take care of business while I'm gone.'"

And then David had handed Cinnamon a brown-upholstered pillow from the back of his recliner. "And he told me to hold it over the gun. And I was going to ask him, 'What gun?' 'Cause I didn't have the gun."

Cinnamon had no idea what the pillow was for. "I a.s.sume it was either to stop the noise or to stop powder or something from flying."

David had gone back once more to confer with Patti about something, and then he had left the house. "Patti went back to her room, though I was, like, blown away.... I went in the room and Patti was already sitting down, and she was moving the towel and started wiping off the gun."

David had given Patti the gun. And the towel. Newell asked where the towel had come from. Cinnamon didn't know; it was just a folded bath towel, with a gun between the folds. "I know she was wiping off the gun, but I'm not sure if she wiped off the bullets or not."

And then Patti had handed the gun to Cinnamon and asked, "Daddy told you what to do with the pillow?"

"She handed me the gun," Cinnamon said almost whispering. "I'm not sure if I pulled ita"the thinga"back or if she did it. . . . She wasa"she was telling me all I had to do was pull the trigger. . . . She told me to go in, go in. Daddy told me to. And fire the gun."

This was obviously so exquisitely painful for Cinnamon. Until this moment, as her words fell into the October air and became solid, living ent.i.ties, none of it had been real. She could take that night and turn it around in her mind and cover it with veils so that the terrible part was deep inside.

Tears ran down her face.

"Okay," Newell said quietly. "So tell me what you did."

"Otherwise, Daddy would, you know, be hurt. So I... I went. I was holding the pillow the whole timea"with the gun. I went in Linda's room. I don't know where I was standing in the room, 'cause I was too scared. I just fired the gun."

She could not remember if she was close to Linda or close to the bed. Yes, she knew where Linda was supposed to be in the dark room. She knew which side of the bed Linda slept on.

"I was just walking in the door. And I fired the gun. ... I just fired it in that direction. And the pillow got stuck in the gun when I fired it. And I didn't know if I had broken it... so I ran back to Patti's room."

Patti had Krystal in her arms, as David had told her to do, so that she would be safe. The two teenagers, with the baby between them, had struggled with the pillow to pull it from where it was caught against the hammer. The trigger wouldn't work, and Cinnamon was sure she had broken the gun.

And then there was a roar that deafened both of them for moments. "And somehow I pulled the trigger.... I was afraid that I hit Krystal 'cause Krystal was right there near the end of the gun. ... I was panicking."

Newell shuddered to think of how close it must have been. With Patti and Cinnamon hysterically tugging at the pillow and the gun, and the baby between them. It was a miracle they hadn't shot the baby.

"The baby looked like she was scared from the noise too. ... Patti mumbled something about 'that's an accident.'. .. The gun wasn't supposed to go off in her room. She was pretty upset about that."

When their ears stopped ringing, they heard another sound, a whining, animal-like sound.

It was Linda. Linda wasn't dead. It was an eventuality that no one had thought of.

She wasn't really saying words, but she was half-crying, half-moaning. It didn't sound like Linda, but there was no one else in the house except the three of them and the baby.

Cinnamon was holding Krystal, trying to calm her after the loud boom in her ear, and Patti held the gun. Cinnamon watched Patti pull the hammer back. "She handed it back to me, and I handed her Krystal. And she told me to goa"go in there. And ita"when I entered the room, I didn't hear Linda. I didn't hear anything." "She wasn't saying anything, moaning or anything?" Newell asked.

"No, I didn't hear anything. And I just did what I was told to. And I fired it again. And I was ... the noise again . .. my ears were ringing. And I couldn't concentrate. And I was scared and I dropped the gun."

It was quiet in the master bedroom now. Cinnamon couldn't see anything. She had seen nothing this night in the dark room. She had just fired the c.o.c.ked gun Patti gave her.

Twice.

Like an automaton, Cinnamon followed the rest of the plan. She took the "suicide note" from her trailer and went out to the doghouse.

Sitting with Jay Newell, Cinnamon sobbed as she let herself, finally, go all the way back to March 19, 1985.

"Did your father or anyone ever come out to that doghouse while you were out there?"

"No."

"Okay. Cinnamon, now I need to ask you . . . when you told me and McLean that you were outside when you heard the shots, after hearing your dad drive away in a cara"why did you tell me that lie?"

"Because I'm ashamed that I loved my father enough to shoot Linda. I'm ashamed of it. And I didn't want to admit it. Or accept it."

Cinnamon had called her mom and told Brenda the truth before she had called Jay Newell. And Brenda had told her it was all righta"that it was time for her to tell the complete truth.

Cinnamon was drained now, shivering from the shock of it.

"You know how many of those pills you got down?" Newell asked.

"No ... He was just telling me to take as much as I could swallow."

"Did your dad ever show you how to hold the gun to your head .. . and shoot yourself?"

"Not that night, but he did before. When he was talking about me writing the note. He was talking about how I'd have to make it look like I tried to kill myself."

". . . You knew that it would be pretty damaging to put a gun to your head and shoot, didn't you? I mean, your own head?"

"Yeah . .. and I was wondering why he wanted me to do it."

Newell knew it would be well nigh impossible to "just nick yourself" when pointing a gun to your own head, short of shooting an ear off. Her father had told her to take what might have been a lethal dose of pills and shoot herself. She still believed he had wanted it to "look like" she had tried to commit suicide. Clearly, her death was an integral part of his plan. And yet, while Cinnamon could now shoulder the blame for what she had done, she seemed unable to face the possibility that her father had intended for her to die. It would be a long time before she could face that.

She did not remember talking to anyone at the hospital. She did not remember talking to Fred McLean. She only remembered being sicker than she had ever been in her life, and waking up, a long time later, in the hospital. From that moment on, Cinnamon Brown had been locked up, both physically and in a blurry cage of her own making.

In a sense, she was free now.

On that last Sat.u.r.day in October when Cinnamon talked to Jay Newell, David Brown wrote a letter to Patti Bailey. It was not a particularly unusual letter; indeed, his correspondence repeated the same themes continually. This was only one of dozens, sometimes two or three a day, that David sent from the men's jail to the women's section. Syrupy, seductive, manipulative letters and cards, along with articles on marital fidelitya"reproduced from the Catholic Digesta" all designed to quiet Patti's anger at his betrayal, and to melt her heart.

If David Brown faced further peril nowa"and he dida"it would be from Patti. Cinnamon could be written off as "evil" and a "flake," but if Patti should defect from his kingdom, David's version of his fifth wife's murder would vaporize.

David knew Pattia"what she felt, what she thought, what she hoped for, what she feared, what she dreamed of. He himself had programed many of those dreams into her mind. He played on that in his laboriously written letters.

h.e.l.lo, Patti, I hope you are doing well. I really wish I could see you and talk to you face to face. I could tell for myself that you are O.K.

David urged Patti to read the Bible, especially 1 Corinthians, Chapter 13, verses 1-13. Particularly verse 13. He even told her what page to look on in the jail Bible. Verse 13: "And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity."

She was not sure what he was asking for. His letter was very kind, very friendly, very cautious.

I have been reading a lot of religious materials. I am relearning things I learned as a kid. Yesa"I was a kid once. I truly hope you liked the cards and poems. A friend told me you weren't sure where a couple of things came from. Well, they came from my heart and my mind. Pretty sada"huh?

David concluded the letter by telling Patti she should let him know if his letters were irritating her, in which case he would stop writing.

A humble David was alien to his young wife. David was many thingsa"but never apologetic and never humble. Patti wanted to believe that he had changed. But "charity"? Did that mean he wanted her to give him what he wanted most nowa"freedom?

Patti received two kinds of letters from Davida"as if he were really two ent.i.ties, a split personality living in his jail cell: "David" and "Doug."

"Doug" was the lover. A different Doug from the one David had fabricated as Heather's father. This Doug was kind and loving. "David" was just David, working hard to convince Patti that he was on her side and that they must stick together. He underlined the word family. Patti had longed to be part of a real family her whole life.

Aware of Patti's distrust of him after she had heard his taped voice blaming her for the murder, David backpedaled smoothly. In another letter he wrote:

No one wanted to hurt you at all. There was no way to know that anyone but Cinnamon would hear those conversations. But you should know better than anyone that Cinny never liked you and that we have always told her what she wanted to hear. She had confessed to killing Linda at least a half dozen times with you there at visiting, so I didn't mean anything when I said those things. I was just trying to play along with whatever game she was playing this time.

David continued in the same vein, stressing his belief that Cinnamon was a thief. He was, once again, "programming" Patti with the information he wanted her to remember. He reminded her that Cinnamon had grown "violent" when he had told her he trusted Patti more than her. Cunningly, he tried to reel Patti back to him. She was the only one who mattered. "You were trusted as much as anyone else I ever knewa"probably more." Referring to the tape where he blamed Patti for the murder, David a.s.sured Patti that he was lying to Cinnamon so she would not be angry with Patti.

David was a man with interchangeable masks. Whomever he was talking to or writing to at any given moment was the one he trusted, the one he loved. All others were traitors. He was cunningly persuasive both in person and on paper. David stressed to Patti that the Familya"Krystal, Heather and Davida"could not bear to be separated from her. Cinny, however, was expendable.

Patti, we all love youa"don't let them win! Don't you see that this is what they and Cinny both want? To separate us and make us hurt each other and drive us apart? ... I will come to your trial and explain in front of G.o.d and the world how I feel about you and why I lied to Cinny. I don't care if it hurts Cinny, my family, and your family. The only family that matters is ours.

Patti longed and needed desperately to believe the letters that came to her in the intra-jail mail. No one knew she and David were man and wife. He would not claim Heather as his own. Locked up, completely alone, Patti read David's words and "Doug" 's words and tried to believe.

Doug still wants to know about you too. He loves you, Patti, more than life itself. No past. Only future. Let your marriage grow. We can still be family. You are the only thing that makes losing Cinnamon seem not so bad. My parents know that you are a lot more of an honest loving person than Cinny ever could be. She is evil.

David encouraged Patti to think good thoughts, reminding her of good times ahead with the kids at the park to help her "through this baloney." And David held out more promises. His incarceration had forced him to have "control of my body." His colitis had been his excuse to stay home and refuse outings that Patti begged for. Now, he wrote, he could control both his bowels and his panic attacks. If she would only come back to him, he would take her and the little girls to the San Diego Zoo and to Sea World and to the park.

"Doug," the romantic persona, sent flowery cards with lovers walking into the sunset hand in hand.

Love is forgetting and forgiving, Love's a delight the reason for living, Love can exist in a smile or a sigh, Love is simplea"you and I!

Love from, Doug by David It was November 3, 1988, and David was getting antsy, despite his a.s.surance that he had his panic attacks under control. Patti's short letters told him little about her state of mind; he looked for affirmation in them and found only suspicion.

His letters focused heavily on Krystal and Heather, on how much they needed Patti. Above all, David repeated that he would never testify against hera"no matter what the authorities tried to do to him. He hinted that he was being offered "a deal" if he would testify against Patti.

"I swear to you, before G.o.d, I will do everything in my power to clear you and me. I pray you believe me. I swear Patti, I mean it. I'll do anything you want or need to help you!"

As his wife, Patti could not be forced to testify against him and could not reveal private marital discussions. That was good. However, if he acknowledged their marriagea"and Heathera"that might give Jay Newell and Jeoff Robinson more ammunition. Patti was still voicing her hurt at the interrogation tapes, and she would not tell him what he wanted to heara"that she would never testify against him.

"Are you willing to testify for me?" he wrote finally. "You should know that neither one of us has bad things to say about the othera"only good. At least, that's all I've got.

. . . Oh yeah, we can have our trials together, if you want! Do you? I might feel a lot better if you would. I'll ask my attorney. You ask yours."

David promised a new beginning, far from the ghosts of their past. They would move. Maybe to Oregon. Maybe Arizona. "A new life sounds greata"to see new countrya"a little farma"animalsa"the kids playing. Happy." "We fight together and win or lose together." David pulled out all the stopsa"or rather, "Doug" did:

[Doug] knows that having to sneak around in order to be loving is what hurt your relationship together. But not anymore. . . . Doug says that since the attorneys will know, he will tell his family about you and him being marrieda"O.K.? . .. Doug said, 'All I care about is our future together.'. . . Personally I can see in you the same things Doug does. Boy, does he ever think all the time about you, that's why I know how much he loves you and means it! You are: Loving, Caring, Thoughtful, Sharing, Warm, Mature, Sweet, Innocent, Pure and Beautiful. I can see also why he's so proud to have you as his wife. ... I think he's one of the Luckiest Guys on Earth.

And now finally, obscurely, David (as Doug) even accepted Heather. "Don't ever take her away from her father. She needs both parents, you know that yourself. Doug really Loves You and Heather more than anything." "Doug" ended with a poem, part of which read: Our Love is Not in the Past It Is In The Future Our Life Together is Not in the Past It Too Is In The Future With Love to Patti From Doug David began to sweat in earnest when Patti did not respond to that letter. Someone was messing with her mind; he was sure of it. And one morning in early November, David's worst imaginings were confirmed. That may have been the first time he fixed on Jeoff Robinson and Jay Newell as his most treacherous enemies.

That morning, there was to be an appearance in "West Court" (in Westminster, California) prior to the preliminary hearing. David was annoyed anyway because the buses pulled out of the Orange County jail for West Court at six in the morning, and he had to wait in a holding cell for more than three hours.

On that morning, David saw his wife for the first time since their arrest, and to his horror, Patti was talking to Jeoff Robinson and Jay Newell. He would have much preferred to see her chatting with the devil himself. He was afraid she would give away their marriage, which no one had yet discovered. No, it was more than that; without him to censor her, Patti had a tendency to say too much about everything.

For David Brown, who had not even wanted Patti influenced by school authorities, the thought that she was talking to the man who arrested him and the man who might one day prosecute him was maddening. The memory of the three of them talking ate away at his confidence in his hold over Pattia"no matter that he could not hear what was said. They might undo everything he had accomplished in his letters.

Even so, David still believed he could bring Patti back with his words. He wrote to her on November 9, 1988, resorting to leverage that had never failed hima"his imminent death.