If I Tell Part 24

His eyes glistened. "I am. I promise. I am."

I reached for my dangling charm, rubbing it between my fingers. "Okay," I said quietly.

And then I smiled. "But if you ever do something like that again, I swear I'll castrate you."

He winced as he put his hand on the stair railing. "Got it." He turned back. "This is what you were writing about, isn't it?" he asked. "Your song? I'm the one who betrayed you?"

I nodded.

He pressed his lips together and shook his head. "I really am sorry. And not just that I got caught."

He went up the stairs to comfort my brother. Tears dripped down my cheeks as I hugged myself. Some things just can't be undone. But he wasn't a horrible person. Not all the way through.

I didn't want to be either.

"I forgive you," I whispered. Maybe someday I would tell him in person.

chapter nineteen.

I walked into Grinds clutching Jackson's hoodie close, inhaling his smell and trying to be brave. I checked behind the coffee counter. He was working. I slowly walked toward him. He glanced up and his eyes gave me a sense of his hostility, but I forced myself to keep moving. Mission. I had a mission. He deserved an apology. I planned to ask for his forgiveness. See if he could give me that, see if we could go back to being friends. It was all he'd wanted from me anyway. I'd take it. If he could forgive me. That part of the decision wasn't mine.

I thought about what I'd been rehearsing. I'd start with a joke. Jackson couldn't resist a laugh.

"Hey," I said. "What do you call a cow who's just given birth?"

He blinked without even cracking a smile. Remembering my resolve, I stood straighter. I wouldn't want to run from this.

"De-calf-inated."

His eyes didn't even sparkle.

"I'm sorry," I started to say, but he'd flipped on the espresso machine and nothing I said would be heard over the racket. I waited until the noise died down.

"I'm so sorry about the awful things I said," I told him when the machine went silent. I swallowed and took a deep breath. "I don't think you're a faker. I mean, it's not your fault you don't look biracial, and there's no way you should act, and you totally deserve sharing the heritage. I was just trying to hurt you. It was stupid. And immature and I didn't mean it."

He slowly drizzled chocolate over a coffee drink but didn't look up.

My cheeks warmed and I took a deep breath. "The thing is, I was embarra.s.sed for, um, kissing you. And I just kind of popped when I found out you had a girlfriend. I mean, it's no excuse, but I'd been holding so many things in, and when I got mad at you, everything seemed to come to the surface and I went for your blood. It wasn't fair."

I waited but Jackson kept working, not looking at me. "I guess I read our relationship all wrong, and when I realized you had a girlfriend, it mortified me. See, I was kind of dumb, and I thought there might be something more than just friendship." My cheeks blazed but I made myself keep going. I'd practiced the speech in my mind a million times. "I'm stupid, and I lashed out at you to cover up my own humiliation. I didn't mean what I said. It's not true. None of it. I'm very sorry."

I understood a little of how Nathan had felt now. Why he'd lashed out at me. Lacey had said he had a thing for me, and it was unrequited just like me with Jackson. It hurt, but I wouldn't let that be an excuse to act like a total jerk.

Jackson lifted the coffee drink he was making and placed it on the counter. A woman stepped out from behind me, gave me a compa.s.sionate glance, and reached for her coffee. I forced myself to stay still and not run away in horror. The woman took her drink and left, but first she smiled at me with sympathy.

I took a deep breath. "I had a stupid crush on you, but I'm totally cool with being friends. I mean if you want...I mean, I won't expect anything more of you. But I'd like to be friends. If you can forgive me."

People did it all the time. Hung out with unreciprocated loves. Stayed friends. Jackson and I had so much in common, and I really liked talking with him.

I held out his hoodie. "Here. I brought this back."

"Hey, Jaz, long time no see."

I swiveled. Lacey stood behind me, her hands clasped in front of her.

"Hey, Lacey," I said, biting my lip and wishing she'd disappear. The girl had the worst timing.

Lacey squirmed on her feet as if she were nervous too. "I've been wanting to talk to you forever. Can I buy you a drink?"

I glanced at Jackson.

"You should sit with her. She needs to talk." Jackson said, and his expression was unreadable. "And keep the hoodie. I don't need it."

I swallowed my disappointment. I'd hoped for forgiveness, maybe even an offer of friendship, but I guess I'd gone too far. He wasn't going to give either. "Okay. Well. I'll see you around, maybe at school." At least I'd apologized. I'd tried. I was proud of myself for doing it, for making an effort to be more forgiving and open.

I turned to Lacey and made a show of checking my watch. I didn't want to spend too much time with her. "I guess we can sit and chat for a minute, but I can't stay long. I have to babysit my brother."

"Can I buy you a drink?" she repeated.

"Nope. I'm good."

"Something else?" Lacey shifted from foot to foot.

"Nope. I'm fine."

Her eyes filled with tears, and her face looked pained before she glanced down at her hands, studying her nails.

"Uh. You okay? You going to get something?"

"No."

"Okay, well, let's just sit then," I told her.

Lacey followed me to a table in the cafe and plunked down in the seat across from me. "I quit drinking," she blurted out as soon as her b.u.t.t touched the chair.

I realized right away she didn't mean coffee.

"The thing is that I got really drunk a couple weeks ago and ended up in the hospital." She smiled sadly and wiped under her eyes. "It was pretty bad."

I reached for my charm bracelet and twisted it around. "Oh, Lacey. I didn't know. Are you okay?"

She smiled again, but it didn't light up her red eyes. "Yeah. I mean, I guess it's good. It made me see how bad off I was. You know, rock bottom and all that. Anyhow. That's not the part that I wanted to talk to you about. I hooked up with a guy." She bent her head and covered her mouth with her hand, covering a shy smile. "Not my usual hookup. I mean, he's a friend. He took me with him. To a meeting." She rolled her eyes. "AA."

She lifted her hand in a wave. "Hi, my name's Lacey, and I'm an alcoholic." She laughed self-consciously.

I blinked. "Wow. I mean, that's good, you know, if it's what you need."

"It is. I'm trying to deal with things better. You know, just like they say, one day at a time."

I nodded. "You've had it tough. I'm glad for you."

Her fingers snaked across the table, reaching for me. "I'm truly sorry. About what happened. You know, with Simon."

G.o.d. It seemed so long ago. A lifetime ago. I held her hand for a moment but then gently pulled away. "You know you didn't sleep with him, right?"

Her eyes lit up with relief. "I didn't?"

"No. He left. He didn't want to cheat on my mom. Not all the way."

"Thank G.o.d. I wasn't sure. You know my blackouts."

"I know," I told Lacey. "I'm glad you've stopped drinking."

"Me too." She cleared her throat. "And that's even better that it wasn't so bad because I kind of hoped we might, you know, be friends again someday. You're the best friend I ever had."

I stared down at the table before I looked up at her.

She sat up straighter, reading my expression and trying to hide her disappointment.

"No. I mean, I'm really trying to forgive you, Lace. You definitely aren't yourself when you drink. Drank. I know that. And I'm so sorry about what happened to you when you were younger." I chewed on my thumbnail.

"But..." I realized the truth and trusted myself to tell her. "I can forgive you, and I do. I forgive you, but I can't hang out with you. Not like before. I don't want to have to worry about awkward meetings with you and Simon or my mom finding out what happened. She couldn't handle it right now. I kind of have to look out for her."

I rubbed my guitar charm, hoping I was doing the right thing. I didn't want to tell Lacey about my mom's sickness. I wanted my mom to have her privacy until she started to get better. Someday, but not now.

Sometimes keeping secrets was the right thing to do.

Lacey's eyes glistened. "That's okay. I understand." She exhaled in a big puff. "I kind of hoped I could erase everything with an apology, but I guess 'sorry' can't fix some things."

"I'm sorry too, Lacey. I have to learn when to trust myself, when to believe in myself. I'm glad you're doing that too. You're being brave."

She smiled, but she wiped away a tear that ran down her cheek. "Thanks." She got to her feet. "I should get going. I have to work soon." She paused. "Is it cool if I keep working with your grandma? I really like working with those kids. It makes me feel...like I'm helping someone."

"Of course." I smiled at her. "You're totally going to do this, you know. Kick the drinking and feel better about yourself."

"Yeah." Lacey chewed her fake fingernail, a familiar old habit that I hadn't seen in a long time. "I guess I'll see you around. That's okay, right?"

We both stood, and I gave her a quick hug. She smiled, looking like a shadow of her old self. "Did you hear I got a new roommate? A girl. She's in AA too. Nathan took off. He went to Phoenix after some girl he met online. Some girl from your high school dumped him and he was devastated, but he thinks this new girl is the one. He always thinks the girl he's into is the one." She laughed. "You know, believe it or not, I think Nathan is really looking for true love."

I attempted a smile. "I hope he finds it, then."

Lacey grinned. "Yeah, and you too. I'll see you around. Okay, Jazzy?"

I watched her leave, sad but also lightened by a sense of closure. She'd be okay without me, and I'd be okay too.

I glanced behind the coffee counter. Jackson had disappeared. With a sigh, I walked to the exit. I glanced behind me and then walked outside. I'd hoped for more from Jackson, but at least I'd said my piece. In a way it was kind of fitting that I couldn't forgive Lacey and he couldn't forgive me.

I started toward the sidewalk and then looked up and stopped dead in my tracks.

Jackson's car was parked illegally in front of the coffee shop, blocking the sidewalk. He was leaning against the car, his arms crossed in front, staring at me.

"Didn't you talk to Ashley?" he called out. "She was supposed to talk to you."

"Uh, I talked to her at school. She told me you were having lunch together."

"Yeah. But what else?"

"Nothing. She took off for an exam. I haven't seen her since."

Unsure of where to look or even which direction to walk in, I took a tentative step forward.

"She's not my girlfriend," he told me.

"Ashley? Um, yeah. I know." I frowned.

He laughed. "No. Carrie. She's not my girlfriend." He pushed a hand off his car and brushed back his long hair. "I broke up with her before I even moved to Tadita. It's been over for a long time."

"But she said she was your girlfriend."

"I know. She wouldn't let go. Carrie's got some issues. I told her we were breaking up before I went to rehab, but she hung on. Then Grams and I moved right away, and Carrie still had some of my stuff, and I still had some of hers. She was calling me a lot, and I felt sorry for her because of some of the stuff that had happened when I was doing drugs. She showed up unannounced the night you were at my place. Grams wanted me to take it easy on her. I had some amends to make. Sometimes I was a jerk. I was a different person then.

"She's going to rehab, but she's struggling and holding on to the past. I a.s.sured her we are over for good. I set her straight. Told her I was interested in someone else." He stepped toward me. "I gave her back all her stuff, and she went home."

"Oh."

"You owe me an apology."

"I said I was sorry," I said in a soft voice.

"Yeah. About calling me a faker. What about calling me a druggie? I'm not dealing anymore. Just so you know. That p.i.s.sed me off. I haven't touched drugs since I left Whistler. I don't do them, and I don't deal them."

I groaned. "It's just that you got so many calls, and I heard you saying you had the stuff. It seemed so obvious..."

Jackson looked puzzled and then smacked his head with his hand. "Carrie. She was calling all the time using excuses like some CDs of hers I had and a couple of books. She used every excuse she could come up with to call. If I acted all mysterious and tried to cover it up, it was because I didn't want you to think she was my girlfriend. I should have just told you the truth."

I took a deep breath. More secrets that we should have told each other. "I'm sorry. For what I said..." I stopped, blushing.

Jackson grinned. "That I'm a stupid crush or a drug dealer? Or that I don't deserve to be black?"

"I can't believe I said any of that. Funny how I'm like everyone else, jumping to conclusions based on appearance."