If I Tell Part 13

"Simon loves you. He'll be there for this baby," I said. I felt worse telling another giant lie but she ate it up, just like the cookies.

chapter ten.

At least school was a place that offered solitude. No mom weeping about her size or discomfort. No grandma telling me to get out of my room, off my guitar, and out in the fresh air. And with my grades still hanging in there, teachers left me alone. When my schedule didn't jibe with Ashley's, my favorite place between cla.s.ses was outside. Alone in the unseasonable warmth with my guitar, I closed my eyes and faintly hummed the lyrics of my latest song.

Betray me. Betray you. I will if I must.

"What's that?" a voice asked.

My body jerked, and my eyes flew open as a gasp escaped my mouth.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you. Is it okay if I sit here?" Jackson said nonchalantly, as if he came and sat with me at school every day. Which he didn't. Ours was mostly a coffee-shop thing.

"It's a free country." I sat up, not wanting him to see that his proximity made my nerves jump around like toddlers overdosing on sugar.

"Yeah, I hear it is," he said as he plunked down on the gra.s.s beside me. He switched his iPod off, pulling earbuds from his ears and letting the wires dangle in front of his shirt.

"So you realize you're sitting outside the school all by yourself, strumming and humming?" he asked in a conversational tone.

"I do indeed." I crunched my legs and hugged myself tighter.

"Perhaps this is one of the reasons you're considered a freak by some of our esteemed cla.s.smates." He winked to take the edge off.

"Perhaps." Resting my chin on the top of my k.n.o.bby knees, I studied him. "But an advantage of people thinking I'm a freak is freedom to act like one. No one thinks anything of it."

"I see your point. Unexpected privileges. So. What song were you playing?"

"It's just a song."

"I don't recognize it."

"I guess not." I held my breath a little as if I was about to tell him I wasn't wearing underwear or something. "I wrote it."

"You wrote it?"

I nodded, waiting for his reaction and realizing it mattered.

"Cool." He grinned at me like I'd done something amazingly clever. A better reaction than I'd hoped for.

"You crack me up, you know," he said. "Putting yourself out there with some things and trying to just blend into the scenery and not be noticed with others."

"What makes you think you know so much about me?"

"I'm good at figuring people out. It's a gift."

"That right?" I asked.

"I know you work in a coffee shop but hate drinking coffee. I know that you're obsessed with Neil Diamond, and I know you're kind of a lone wolf. But how come I didn't know that you wrote a song?" He leaned back, his hands pressing into the gra.s.s, and watched me.

"Songs," I admitted. "I've been writing songs for years."

He pushed off the gra.s.s and wiped his hands back and forth on each other. "Plural. You're prolific. I guess I should have known."

My insides smiled at his easy teasing. He was so much easier to talk to now.

"What's it about?"

The shine inside me dimmed, and I shrugged and glanced around us at the front of the school yard. "It's kind of private." The song and the content. I couldn't tell him the inspiration for my bitter ballad. Seeing Simon and Lacey.

Jackson picked a long blade of gra.s.s and stuck the end in his mouth and chewed on it. "That right? You still keeping secrets from me?"

I studied the gra.s.s in his lips, wondering why he was chomping on the lawn but feeling envious of the blade nonetheless. I frowned at myself.

"Hey, cheer up. They can't be that bad."

I slowly breathed out and shrugged, pretending nonchalance.

"That's cool. I mean, that you write songs. I'm quite the singer myself." He grinned at me and I smiled. He sang while we were working at the coffee shop. His voice wasn't bad but he always goofed around, exaggerating high notes and wiggling his hips.

"That song sounded kind of sad. Don't tell me...let me guess. It's about your one true love?" He grinned like a kid eager to share a silly knock-knock joke.

I stuck out my tongue. "If I ever write a song about true love, please shoot me."

"Why?" he asked.

"Because it doesn't exist."

Jackson tilted his head. "You don't really believe that, do you?"

"I've never seen it." I'd thought my mom and Simon were in love like that. But look what he'd done to her. And true, Grandpa Joe and Grandma had been married for a million years, but it's not like they were big on public displays of affection. Never mind that demonstrations of pa.s.sion from my grandparents would have grossed me out anyhow. I couldn't remember ever seeing them kiss or hold hands. Grandma was very proper.

"Maybe you will. One day. Maybe it will even happen to you."

I studied the lawn to cover up the flutters in my belly, then picked a blade of gra.s.s and stuck it in the corner of my mouth the way he was doing. "My song isn't about love. Kind of the opposite, really. It's more about a secret that could destroy love, actually. A secret that can never be told."

He tilted his head. "Intriguing. Is it based on fact?"

I shrugged, excited to share a tiny bit of what I'd been holding inside for months. "I have to protect someone else."

He curled up his lip in a s.e.xy half grin, tugging on the gra.s.s hanging out of the corner of his mouth. "You know, Jaz. I told you I'm good at keeping secrets if you need to talk. I have a few of my own. We could do a swap. Kind of like exchanging blood. Only less painful. And more sanitary."

I wanted to know his secrets so badly that I bit the blade in half to keep from asking. I tasted gra.s.s and spit it out and then shook my head.

"Well, keep it in mind. The deal stands." He sat up straighter. "You working tonight?"

"Nope." I tried not to show disappointment at the topic change. I wanted to know more about what he hid from the world. Like maybe his dealing? I wanted to ask him if he still did it. I wanted to tell him to stop. That it worried me.

"Too bad," he said.

My heart pattered a little more. I studied his features. His slightly crooked, thin nose. I wondered if he'd broken it. Maybe at juvie? I didn't want him to go back there or, worse, to jail.

"I don't work Wednesdays," I told him instead of begging him to stay out of trouble. "My grandma signed me up to do volunteer work."

"That right?"

I nodded.

"I totally see you as the volunteer type. Candy striper? Short little skirt with extra-high heels?" He grinned at the preposterous image.

I burst out laughing. "Not quite."

"So what are you doing then? Feeding the hungry? Saving the environment?"

"Jaz?" A voice interrupted us.

We both turned. Ashley stood close by. She was staring down at us, her eyebrows raised slightly. I'd been so wrapped up in my conversation with Jackson that I hadn't even heard her approach.

She smiled. Today her hair tips were dyed neon yellow. She adjusted her gla.s.ses and lifted her hand in greeting.

"Hey, Ashley," I said. "You know Jackson, right?"

Ashley lifted her hand again. "I know who he is, but we don't have cla.s.ses together. We've never officially met. You work with Jaz, right?"

"You mean she doesn't talk about me? I'm crushed." Jackson grinned at her playfully. "So you're the famous lesbian of the school."

"And you're the juvenile delinquent," Ashley shot back.

"Touche," he said and tilted an invisible hat.

I stood, wiping gra.s.s from my b.u.t.t. "I can't believe you two haven't met before."

"I don't take women's studies." Jackson grabbed my hand and used it to pull himself up.

"I don't study criminology," Ashley said.

I laughed. "Come on. Let's go inside. It's almost time for cla.s.s." Jackson let go of my hand, and I secretly wished he'd hold it all the way inside the school.

I hurried forward in case he'd read my thoughts, and Jackson and Ashley quickly caught up. The three of us headed toward the school as a group, with Jackson in the middle. It felt nice, like I had people.

When we reached the front door, Jackson opened it and held it for Ashley and me. "You have cla.s.ses this afternoon?" he asked.

"Chemistry and math," I told him.

"I've got a free period," he said. "How sweet is that?"

"Me too," Ashley told him. "I'd hang with you, but you don't seem to like lesbians." The corner of her mouth twitched up. She glanced at me, something unreadable but nice in her eyes.

"You heard wrong. I happen to highly approve of lesbians." He raised his eyebrows suggestively.

"It's not a spectator sport, you know." She smacked him on the arm.

Jackson laughed his kooky baritone laugh. I poked his other arm, trying not to notice how solid it was. I had an urge to touch it again for reference. "Jerk!"

He bowed his head with a smile. "I jest. I'm off. See you later, ladies." He headed off into the loud hallway and away from us. I stopped to watch him go.

"Hey," Ashley said, pushing her shoulder against mine. "You're staring at the pretty boy like he's a big old scoop of vanilla ice cream."

I stopped staring and smacked Ashley back. "I am not. And since when do you think boys are pretty?"

"Um. You were so. And I'm gay, Jaz. Not blind. He's hot. And he seems cool. I don't know why you've been keeping him to yourself. I'm glad you finally introduced me."

"I haven't been keeping him to myself...we just usually don't hang out at school. And you never come to Grinds."

"Yeah, because I'm in the pool. And since you and Lacey had your mysterious fight, you're never at Marnie's anymore either." She glanced down the hallway. "Maybe if Marnie feels comfortable, we could double-date." She looked at me and started laughing. "Chill. I'm only teasing you. Ha. You should see your face!"

I narrowed my eyes and gave her a dirty look, not amused.

We came to a "T" in the hallway and Ashley pointed left. "I'm this way. You want to meet on the front steps at lunch?"

"Sure." I waved and rushed to my own cla.s.s, cheered by an unusual sense of belonging.

I met up with Ashley at my locker, and we grabbed our lunch bags and then headed for some fresh air outside. This time of day, kids would be sprawled all over the front walk and steps, spilling onto the lawn and enjoying the break from cla.s.s.

As soon as I stepped outside, the sunlight blinded me. I breathed in cool, fresh air and heard a car horn honking. Just another car alarm going off, I a.s.sumed. I a.s.sumed wrong.

"Jaz. Hey, Jaz," a voice shouted over the noise.

I lifted my hand to block the sun and tensed when I spotted the person shouting.

"What the heck is he doing here?"

"Hey. That's Simon," Ashley said, noticing him at the same time.

"No kidding." I swore under my breath and snarled. "What does he want?"

Simon waved his arms in the air and jumped up and down on the other side of the road.

"Hey, Jaz! Jaz," he shouted.