If I Break: Beautifully Broken Part 13

"Well I guess we better just get this out the way. Mom, Lauren and I had s.e.x last night," I blurt out, almost surprising myself. My mom's mouth drops open a little. Lauren looks down at her plate but I can see a small smirk on her face.

"I gathered that," my dad spouts.

"And there should be nothing wrong with it. We have a daughter, we're together and we're married," I continue.

"There isn't a problem with it at all," my mom adds quickly.

"Really, Gwen. You don't see an issue with this?" my dad says sardonically.

"No, I do not William. Have you ended things with Jenna, Chris?" she asks.

"Yes I have mom," I add quickly.

"Well, what is the problem William?" she asks simply.

"I'll tell you all what the problem is. The problem is the large elephant in the room," he says and I let out a deep breath.

"Lauren, would you care to enlighten them on the conversation that we had about the exact problem?"

"Your dad thinks I'm a trigger for Cal," she says quietly.

"That's ridiculous," I say defensively.

"Oh is it son? Because not less than a month since she's been here all of a sudden he reemerges?" he asks sarcastically.

"You don't know if that's true!"

"Well I do know that any relationship that causes that man to come to surface shouldn't exist, period," he says stubbornly.

"William, stop it," my mom says.

"And any person that is okay or even welcomes Cal reemerging whenever he feels like it isn't welcome in my home," he says, staring directly at Lauren.

"Are you kidding?" I ask him in disbelief.

"No, he's not kidding Chris," Lauren adds, getting up from the table.

"Lauren please. Let's just wait a minute," my mom interrupts.

"No, Mrs. Scott. It has been blatantly obvious that he hasn't wanted me here. I appreciate him being so forthcoming this morning."

"This isn't just William's house, this is my house too Lauren," my mom says quickly.

"Why do you hate him so much?" Lauren asks, staring directly at my father.

"We've been over this before. The same reasons you should hate him, and just to make it clear, I am not the only person in this room who wishes Cal Scott never existed," he spits.

"Son, I am just going to say this because I love you. You're not who she wants you're the consolation prize, the compromise. You said it yourself that she loves Cal, everyday she's going to wish you were him!"

It feels like someone has squeezed my insides when those words leave his mouth but before I have a chance to react Lauren has slapped my dad right across the face.

"How dare you! How dare you put your son against...against himself! Chris has a condition, this is a sickness but you've brainwashed him into believing that he's two different people. The belief that Cal isn't a part of him is doing more damage than anything I ever could," she says then turns to my mom.

"I love your son. Every part of him. Being with him on a good day, a bad day, when he calls himself whoever is okay with me!"

"I think you understand that," she says, looking at my mom hopefully, and she returns her a small smile. Then she looks at me.

"I hope that you and Cal can understand that one day," she says to me with a sigh.

"I think it is time for me to leave," Lauren says with a forced smile, rising from the table.

"Impulsive, violent, rash. Who does that remind you off?" my dad says smugly.

"You deserved that. How could you speak to your son that way?" my mom scolds him.

"I don't know what the problem is. But you're letting this turn you into someone I don't like very much. Grow up William," she says before standing from the table and following Lauren. For a moment my dad looks like he's just realized what a jacka.s.s he's been.

"If she leaves, I'm going with her. Wherever she goes," I tell him, getting up from the table.

"Chris. I don't want to hurt you but what I said is the truth. We both know it. You deserve better than that," he says, genuinely. I walk closer to him and lean down in his face so that he understands that I mean every word that I'm about to say.

"I suggest you get on the good side of my wife and the mother of your grandchild. I'd really like my daughter to know the man I grew up with and loved. Until he comes back, stay away."

Lauren "I am so sorry for William's behavior honey. He's just afraid," Mrs. Scott explains, holding Caylen while I frantically gather our things together. Our welcome has officially been worn out. Well, mine at least, I'm pretty sure that Caylen is welcome to stay as long as she likes.

"I'm sorry for that out there. I shouldn't have hit him," I say apologetically. Am I sorry for hitting William? No. I am sorry for disrespecting Gwen's house.

"He deserved it," she says with a sigh.

"He shouldn't have said those things to you or Chris," she says, sitting down on the bed.

"I I just wish that he didn't have so much malice in his heart for Cal," she adds sullenly.

"Me too," I add, taking a moment from tossing the clothes into my suitcase and sitting beside her.

"Do you hate Cal, Mrs. Scott?" I ask her genuinely. She's so sweet she could very well hate him and just do a very good job at hiding it.

"Oh honey, no," she says with a laugh. "To be quite honest with you, I don't see them as being different at all."

"I differentiated the two because it was easier for William to see Cal as the 'bad part' of Chris. I've never seen him that way," she says, giving me a squeeze on the leg.

"The first time we officially met Cal as an adult, when I saw him, and he spoke to us, I didn't see him as this other person. I saw my son, whatever he chooses to call himself. As a parent you don't stop loving your children when they don't follow the plan you have for them, or go a little off course," she explains then sighs.

"Well you shouldn't," she adds.

"I hope I can be half the mom to Caylen you are to Chris, Mrs. Scott," I tell her honestly. She pulls me into a hug with Caylen sandwiched between us, so we release quickly, but thinking back to the first day I arrived with Caylen in her kitchen wondering what it would be like to hug her, it's everything I thought it would be. For a moment it seems like everything is going to be okay.

Like the world isn't torn in two, like my husband isn't.

"Everything will be okay sweetie," she says, squeezing my hand.

"I really wish you'd consider staying," she says pleadingly.

"I think it's time," I say with a tight smile.

"I guess it is," she says with a sigh.

"It is," Chris says, standing in the doorway. My heart jumps when I see him.

"I'll give you guys a minute," she says, standing with Caylen.

"I'm going to enjoy every second I can with her before you leave," she says to me as she carries her out.

"I'm going to work on your father Chris. He's stubborn but he loves you so much." Chris nods and gives both her and Caylen a kiss before they leave the room and she shuts the door behind her.

"My mom really likes you," he says before sitting on the bed next to me.

"She's been nothing but kind to me since I've arrived and is the best Grandmother Caylen could ever ask for," I tell him.

"So did that go as good as you hoped it would?" I ask with a laugh, trying to lighten the mood.

"Much better," he jokes and we sit quietly, tension starting to swirl around the room.

"About what your dad said," I start and he takes my hand.

"I get it. I do, and how you feel about Cal. I'm trying to...I can get past that," he says.

"I know how much you love him and I know it will take more time than it has for you to love me like that, but I'll wait. As long as it takes," he says, looking into my eyes and holding my hand. I should be thrilled about his declaration, it's selfless and so Chris like but that's not what I want. I need them to see past this as some type of contest or tug of war. They are the same.

"Chris. I already love you like that. This is a disorder, that makes you feel different but you are one and the same. Don't think of it as me wanting one side of you more than the other. I want all of you," I tell him and he looks disappointed and lets go of my hand. My stomach drops. Maybe it was too soon, but when is soon going to be soon enough. Especially after everything Helen told me. I did the exact opposite of what I was supposed to do. I'm not going to coddle them anymore, he is one man, one man that I love and they need to understand that not me. When I woke up next to Chris this morning guilt tried to trickle in. It tried to steal the joy of the moment from me, but when I really think about it-why should I not feel good about sleeping with my husband? He's my husband officially, the Jenna thing is completely done with. There is no way I'm going to alienate him and push him back to her. It felt right...well it did feel a little wrong too...but it mostly felt right. I need him to know that it's right, whenever we do it.

"I've been trying to make an appointment with my doctor," he says, putting his head in his hands. I feel a sting of guilt lance through me. The conversation with Dexter Sr. comes up in my mind.

"Her secretary called and left me a message saying she'd be out of the office all month. Then when I called back to make an appointment her secretary said she wasn't out of the office, but when I told her my name she said she didn't have openings for the next six months," he says, frustrated. Oh my G.o.d, Dexter Sr. has had Chris blacklisted. Isn't that against some type of medical ethics?

"I really want to try to grasp this. It's just really hard," he groans.

"I know," I say, interlacing my hand with his.

"But I'm here. We're in this together," I say, giving him a little smile.

"I'm thinking about just seeing Helen again. When we go back to Chicago."

When he says it my heart skips a beat.

"You're coming with me?" I ask him. I mean it makes sense but I don't know if he's really ready.

"Why wouldn't I? We're in this together right?" he says giving me a smile that makes me hug him. Maybe all of this won't be so bad. Maybe everything will be okay. After everything that's happened we deserve a break. Maybe for now we'll get one.

chapter 13.

November 7, 2010 It can't be her. It can't f.u.c.king be her! But as soon as I make it downstairs and turn the corner, there she is standing at the desk. When she sees me her eyes light up, but just for a minute, before worry starts to show across her face.

"I'll handle it from here, Lamar," I tell the concierge at the desk. I put my hand around her back and usher her towards the front doors.

"What are you doing here?" I ask through gritted teeth.

"I came to speak to your soon to be wife," she says simply. As soon as we're out the door the time for playing nice is over.

"How could you do this, Cal? How could you do something as major as this? Does that poor girl know about your disorder? How could you marry someone and not even tell us?" she says, her voice breaking. For a moment I feel a slight tinge of guilt.

"How dare you come here? The night of my engagement party, and tell her what? The man you're marrying isn't f.u.c.king real!"

"I was going to tell her the truth."

"Your version of the truth. It's always the version that you and William think up isn't it?" I ask her.

"Cal, you cannot do this. Do you understand what you're doing?" she says, her tone pleading.

"I know exactly what I'm doing," I tell her.

"No you don't. I don't know how you've pulled this off so far, but what are you going to do when you marry her and she wakes up in bed with Chris?" she exclaims.

"That is never going to happen!"

"You don't know that. She deserves to know," she pleads.

"You just don't want me to be happy."

"That's not true," she shakes her head in denial.

"Of course it's true. You don't give a s.h.i.t about me. All you want is Christopher back."

"That's not true, Cal! I love both of you," she interjects.

"He's not coming back, Gwen! I'm on medication that will get rid of him completely!"

"W-what are you talking about? You're taking drugs? What are you taking, Cal? Are they safe?"

"It doesn't matter, but you and Will can get it through your heads that your mild mannered little farm boy is never coming back."

"What medication, there isn't any medication as a cure, Cal. Integration is the only way... are you taking something illegal?" she says, frantically grabbing my arm.