I Found My Heart In San Francisco: Karma Part 30

"You were with them," Ryan said, her voice growing dark. "I can't imagine that wasn't its own level of h.e.l.l."

Jamie gazed at her partner for a few moments, then said, "We were each in h.e.l.l, Ryan. But we got through it." Gently pulling Ryan's hand from its grip she held it in one of her own hands and traced the veins and tendons with her index finger. "There's only one way to get though the night, sweetheart."

"What's that?"

"To summon up some of our powers of denial," she said thoughtfully. "I think we need to try our best to stop the movie from repeating and stop obsessing about what we did, and what they did, and what might have happened."

"Easier said than done," Ryan commented quietly.

"I know that," Jamie agreed. "I know that we've been through a horrible ordeal and that our brains are just trying to deal with it. But I think we'd be much better off if we stop obsessing about what did happen and try to focus on what didn't happen."

"Go on," Ryan said.

"I know this is a 'Is the gla.s.s half full or half empty' kinda thing," Jamie said, "but in this case, I think it might help us."

"Uhm... you wanna go over all of the injuries we could have right about now?" she asked hesitantly.

"No! That's the last thing I want to do," she said, shaking her head. "All I want to do is thank G.o.d that you're in this bed, and I can feel your warm body, and hear you breathing." She took in a breath, trying to avoid crying again. "We're alive, Ryan," she whispered. "By any reasonable measure, that shouldn't be so. But we are." She brought Ryan's hand to her mouth and placed a dozen kisses upon it, caressing each long, graceful finger in turn. "This might sound funny," she quietly mused, "but I keep thinking of how I'll feel when I give birth."

"You lost me," Ryan admitted.

"Well," she said thoughtfully, "giving birth is probably the most dangerous thing that most women ever do, right?"

"Uhm... sure, I guess that's true."

"So, it's dangerous and frightening, and extremely painful," she said, shivering a little, "but when you hold that new life in your hands women almost uniformly report that they don't think of any of that. All they do is marvel at their child, and thank G.o.d for giving them the miracle that they hold." She smiled at her partner, tears running down her cheeks again. "I don't want to think of the pain, or the fear, or the danger. I just want to thank G.o.d for letting you lie next to me in this bed. I want to count your little pink toes and your chubby little fingers, and a.s.sure myself that you're the perfectly healthy little creature that you appear to be."

"I am," Ryan said, smiling through her tears. "I'm your perfectly healthy little creature."

Jamie wrapped her arms around her precious bundle and whispered roughly, "Thank you, G.o.d. Thank you for giving me this wondrous gift."

Ryan was sobbing softly, her head nuzzling against Jamie's neck. "I love you so much," she sighed. "I'm eternally grateful that you're whole and safe and that we're lying in our own bed, holding each other." She shivered violently and started to add, "By all rights..."

Jamie shushed her by placing her fingers upon her lips. "By all rights we're just where we're supposed to be. I don't know how we made it. You don't know how we made it. But none of that matters, Ryan. We did make it, and I'm so overcome with grat.i.tude that I'm about to burst!" She hugged her tightly again and whispered, "We've been born again, Ryan. Share my joy!"

The dark head lifted, and Ryan let her eyes settle upon her partner. For all of the terror of the long night, Jamie's face bore a peacefulness - a look of true serenity that absolutely amazed the larger woman. She opened her heart to the emotion that was just spilling from her partner, letting in as much as she could bear - allowing it to soothe her tortured soul. She felt like she was draining the very lifeblood from her lover, but Jamie was gladly offering the transfusion - trying to share the grace that made her spirit soar. Slowly, Ryan began to nod, a smile so faint that it was barely visible starting to blossom. Bit by bit it grew and brightened, until it nearly mirrored Jamie's. Eyes glistening with unshed tears, feeling her lover's spirit filling her own body, she wrapped her arms tightly around Jamie and let the energy continue to flow between them. Finally, she released her just enough to gaze into her eyes and speak. She managed just one sentence, but it was the distillation of every tender emotion that coursed through her body. "You're my miracle."

THE END.