I Found My Heart In San Francisco: Karma Part 10

"She's not a fan," Ryan admitted.

"Well, I am," Janae drawled as she gave her a squeeze.

She had stripped off her uniform and was toweling off when Coach Hayes walked by and said, "Sleep well on Sunday night, Ryan. You're starting Monday."

I guess that's code for "good job", she thought wryly as the enigmatic woman walked away.

This time Ryan rushed to be the first on the bus. She scrambled down the aisle until she reached the back row, and waited until she had Janae's eye to signal her to join her. The ma.s.sive woman smiled back and took the seat across the aisle from Ryan's. They watched in amus.e.m.e.nt, as the three rows in front of theirs remained empty. But this fit Ryan's plans perfectly, because now they could talk without being heard.

"Well, partner, got any ideas about how to approach our reluctant teammates?"

Janae shrugged and said, "Not really, to tell you the truth. I know we've got to start somewhere, but it's going to be an uphill climb."

"I take it that approaching Wendy and Janet is futile," Ryan commented wryly.

"Oh, please! I've been with those two b.i.t.c.hes since freshman year, Ryan. It wasn't too bad then, but it's gotten worse every year. This year they think they run the team, and so far they've been right."

"Are they as h.o.m.ophobic as they seem?"

"I'm not sure. Part of me thinks it's not the gay thing as much as it is any difference. They treat the women from Europe like s.h.i.t too, and they're straight. They don't even like Lily, Hilary and Ella, and I don't get that at all. All five of them are suburban, white, upper middle cla.s.s women, and they're all straight. I think they just look for something to dislike and focus on that."

"Maybe we should approach Hilary and Lily and Ella," Ryan suggested. "They've been around for a while, and they don't seem like complete a.s.sholes."

"Okay. How about Tuesday after practice?"

"Oh, right, we're at U.S.F. on Monday. Coach says I'll finally get to start."

"Wow, maybe she isn't as stupid as she looks," Janae grinned at her friend. "But I doubt it."

Jamie had driven down to Hillsborough on Friday evening, rising early on Sat.u.r.day morning to start her studying. Aside from a two-hour break to listen to Ryan's game on the Internet, she had been concentrating since 8. At around 5, she looked up from the world's most boring accounting textbook to find her mother approaching her with a small tray that held a pair of mugs. "Are you here on a humanitarian mission?" she asked.

"Pardon?"

"I thought the Red Cross had sent you to ease my suffering," she joked. "You know, I am interested in knowing the concepts in this book, but getting there is not pleasant."

"I wish you were enjoying yourself more," Catherine offered. She sat down on the chaise next to her daughter and handed her a mug of cocoa. "I appreciate that you're trying to make yourself more business savvy, but you could always hire a talented accountant, you know. You don't have to be able to do the work yourself."

"I know that, Mom. But I need to know enough to know if my financial advisors are just blowing smoke at me." She looked at her mother thoughtfully and said, "I learned a lot from the skirmishes Daddy and I had this fall. One thing that I'll never forget is that it's dangerous to trust someone to make all of your decisions for you. I won't do that again."

Catherine smiled warmly at her and commented. "You've learned quickly how to deal with your father. If I could have been more like you, we'd probably still be together."

"Huh? What do you mean by that?"

"You quickly learned that confronting him and giving him an ultimatum is the only way to reach him. He's used to wielding his power, Jamie, and sometimes the only thing he responds to is a threat from an equally powerful opponent."

The younger woman nodded, acknowledging that her father always tried to exploit weakness - in all of his relationships.

"I should have laid down the law and stuck to it. If I had thrown him out of the house after his first affair, it well might have been his last."

"Why didn't you?" Jamie asked. "Did you consider it?"

"Of course I did," she admitted. "I just... I just didn't have the self-confidence, Jamie. I was a very confused young woman at the time. I let his affair erode my already shaky self-esteem to the point that he would have known I was bluffing if I'd threatened to leave." She shook her head and added, "From then on I didn't trust him. He knew it, but he also knew that I wouldn't do anything about it. Once you lose that trust, you no longer have a marriage." Patting Jamie on the leg she said, "That's one of the things I most admire about you and Ryan."

"What's that, Mom?"

"I admire how much confidence you have in her and in your relationship." She smiled at her and admitted, "The way you welcome her former lovers into your life just speaks volumes about the trust you place in her."

The younger woman shifted in her seat and gave her mother a sheepish look. "Don't put too much stock in the way I treat Sara and Ally," she warned.

"What do you mean, honey?"

"Well, uhm... let's just say that my reasons for welcoming them aren't exactly n.o.ble."

Furrowing her brow, Catherine asked, "What are they, if not n.o.ble?"

"Practical," she said firmly. "They're purely practical."

"You've lost me, honey. How can having Ryan's ex-lovers in your life be a practical move?"

She looked thoughtful and took another sip of her cocoa. "It's like this, Mom. I know my Ryan well. Spending as much time together and learning so much about her before we became lovers was the best thing that could have possibly happened. During that time I watched her try to start a relationship with another woman, and I also saw how she was with her more casual liaisons. One thing I learned was that she can't stand to be dictated to. She needs a lot of autonomy, and she needs to make her own decisions."

"Yes," Catherine smiled, "that sounds like Ryan."

"So, when her ex-lovers started popping up, I let her set the tone. She acted like it made her happy to maintain relationships with them, so I encouraged her to do so."

"Encouraged her?"

"Yes. I wanted to make it clear that I fully supported her choice to have an ongoing relationship with each of them - if that's what she wanted."

"But you wouldn't have chosen to have them be in your circle, if not for Ryan?"

"h.e.l.l no!" she laughed. "n.o.body wants to be reminded of her partner's past. I hate to recognize how much Sara shares with her. They went through so many things together, Mom, so many things that helped form Ryan. I despise that she knew the completely innocent young girl that will never reappear. I desperately wish I knew Ryan then - but I never can. I can just hear Sara talk about her at that point in her life. It really sucks!" she said, shaking her head.

"What about Ally?" Catherine asked.

Rolling her eyes, Jamie said, "She's even worse! I know full well that half of Ryan's s.e.xual repertoire comes from her. Every once in a while Ryan will do something to me and I think, 'Thank you, Ally!'" She started to laugh and said, "It's silly, because she's as marvelous a lover as she is partially because of the time they spent together. But I hate the fact that she was there first! That naive young woman is also gone forever, and even though I love who she's become, it bugs the h.e.l.l out of me that Ally's the one who made her who she is - in the s.e.xual arena, at least."

"I had no idea," Catherine said slowly. "You acted so cordial to them both on Thanksgiving."

"Oh, don't get me wrong, Mom. I like them both. I don't think I could put that on. I'm just resentful of the place they hold in Ryan's life and her development. It often bothers me to be reminded of it."

"But honey, if it bothers you, maybe it's not a good idea to try to form a friendship with them. You might start resenting them - and Ryan - because of it."

"No, I don't think so, Mom. I'm willing to tolerate my discomfort to give Ryan the autonomy she needs." She gave her mother another thoughtful look and said, "I knew who Ryan was when I fell in love with her. I knew she'd been deeply in love with Sara, and I knew that it tore at her to be estranged from her. How could I be the one to stand in the way of her having a connection with her again?"

Catherine nodded. "I see your point."

"But even though I know it's the right thing to do, I don't have to like it," she chuckled. "I'm trying to be generous, but sometimes I just wish we could move to France. I'm sure she doesn't have any French ex-lovers!"

"Well, at least you know who hers are," Catherine said, looking tired.

"Yes, I do. I know who each and every one is if they meant anything to her." She reached across to capture her mother's hand. "I think you probably do too, Mom. I don't think Daddy was ever in love with anyone other than you."

She gave her a wan smile and said, "You might be right. But I think the last one on his long list might have changed that. I think he really cares for her." Sparing a small smile, she added, "I should send her my condolences."

Jamie nodded and said, "I rather doubt she's the last woman in his life."

"I just hope she knows that," Catherine sighed. She rose and said, "I'll leave you to your work. Hope the little jolt of caffeine will help."

"Thanks, Mom." She grasped her hand and brought it to her lips, giving it a kiss. "Thanks for being there for me. It feels good to be able to talk about Sara and Ally with you."

"Anytime, sweetheart. I've always wanted to be your confidant." She gave her a wistful sigh and squeezed her hand, then turned and went back into the house, Jamie staring after her with a pensive gaze.

After chatting with Janae, Ryan managed to snag a nearly three-hour nap, not waking until they hit a pothole in Berkeley. Since the bus pa.s.sed just a block from her house, Ryan walked up to Lynette and asked, "Would you be willing to get off and go to my house for just a second before we head back to school? I'm dying for a shower and a little something to eat, but I have to be supervised at all times."

"Sure. No problem," she smiled. "I can't imagine that you'll be able to stay awake through the darned thing at this point, so you'd better get some coffee, too."

She walked up to the front and asked the driver if he could let her out when they pa.s.sed the street. Coach Hayes heard the request, and her low voice floated up to Ryan over the noise of the engine, "This isn't a city bus, Ryan, we don't make intermediate stops; and frankly I'm getting tired of you trying to manipulate things for your own convenience."

Ryan turned to face her in shocked silence. With all of the trouble and dissension on the team, she was absolutely amazed to have the coach single her out for criticism for just wanting to get off a bus! The pragmatic part of her knew she should ignore the comment and go back to her seat, but she was sick of the coach's att.i.tude, and she was not in the mood to suffer in silence.

Sliding into the seat beside her, she c.o.c.ked her head and asked, "Would you care to expand on your statement?"

The older woman looked slightly surprised to have a player confront her, but she quickly leveled her gaze and said, "We've taken two road trips, and you had to have a private room both times. Then you try to get permission to fly back from Fresno so you can take a test. It doesn't help morale when you insist on special favors," she scowled. "Especially when you flaunt your money to get what you want."

"Flaunt?" Ryan blinked slowly, her mind refusing to comprehend the ridiculous statement that had come from the coach. "Did you say flaunt?"

"This is a team, Ryan. Obviously you can afford to have your girlfriend travel with us, and you can afford to turn up your nose at the team buffet and eat in the dining room. You can apparently pay for a private room without blinking an eye. But no one else around here can do that - and it's very divisive. You're clearly used to traveling in style, but you're going to have to lower your standards to fit in."

"There was a problem with room a.s.signments," Ryan snarled, her anger at the boiling point. "I was trying to make things easy. I do not like to throw my money away on a room... and I don't flaunt it!"

"Don't you ever raise your voice to me, Ryan O'Flaherty," the coach growled, her anger flaring. "If you want to get your hands on a ball again, you'll calm down and take your seat." Her steel-gray eyes were boring into Ryan, and the younger woman had to force herself to get up and put some distance between them.

She slunk back to her seat and pulled her knees up to her chin, cursing under her breath, refusing to even respond to Janae's curious inquiry about her discussion with the coach. Grabbing her cell phone, she called Jamie and growled, "Will you bring me a sandwich and a gallon of coffee?"

"Ryan," she said with concern, "what's up? You sound furious."

"I am. Please just bring me something - anything - to eat, and some form of caffeine, Jamie. I'm about to blow months of work here, and I'd like a fighting chance. I'll be in front of Haas... trying to cool off." She disconnected without another word, leaving Jamie to stare at the receiver for a moment before she ran downstairs to rustle up something for her fuming partner to eat.

When Jamie arrived, Ryan was sitting on the steps near the main entrance of Haas Pavilion, a somber Coach Hayes standing a few feet away. Leaving the car running, Jamie jumped out and handed her partner a bag with two sandwiches, two bananas, and two peeled, sectioned oranges. A giant latte from Starbucks was in her other hand, and Ryan grabbed it and started chugging it, something Jamie had never seen a human do. "Ryan?" she said softly, placing a hand on her arm, "do you want to tell me what's going on?"

"Let's go, Ryan," the coach said brusquely. "My family's waiting for me."

Not uttering a word, Ryan gave her partner a squeeze and turned to follow the taciturn woman, shoveling bites of her sandwich into her mouth, washing it down with the coffee as she walked.

Ryan's extreme anger at Coach Hayes merged with the rancor she still held towards the math professor who had refused to let her join Cal's team, and she let it grow, knowing that she didn't have enough reserves to get through the test on her own. Deciding to harness the anger for motivation, she took her seat, after thanking Professor Berkowitz for agreeing to proctor the exam for her at the ridiculous hour of 9 p.m.

Concentrating with every available bit of focus she could summon, Ryan took a deep breath and opened the test booklet, keeping her inner fires stoked with the mental image of pummeling her two main adversaries with her bare hands.

"Five minutes," Professor Berkowitz mumbled as her watch alarm roused her from the nap she had been taking. The woman had arranged for a couch from a nearby office to be brought into the cla.s.sroom, and she had been sleeping for nearly an hour. The professor was duty-bound to keep an eye on Ryan, but the younger woman didn't have a car to hide things in, or any books available to her, so the professor figured a nap was acceptable since the odds of Ryan cheating were infinitesimal.

As much as Ryan appreciated that the professor had readily agreed to proctor for her, she had to admit that hearing her snore softly was not really helping her stay awake, but it was merely one more annoyance that demanded she sink into a deeper level of concentration.

At midnight, the professor took the papers away. "You're allowed a two hour break, you know, but it's optional. How long do you want?"

"I just need to go to the bathroom and throw some water on my face," Ryan said.

They walked out together, since she wasn't allowed to be alone for any reason. As the door swung open, it hit a wicker picnic basket that had been placed right in their path. "What in the heck?" the professor wondered, but Ryan immediately knew the source of the gift.

"You might want to check it out," she said, "but I'm sure there aren't any test answers in there, just food."

The professor gave her a smile and picked it up, taking a note from the top. She read it quickly and handed it to Ryan, a big smile covering her face as she said, "Somebody loves you."

Hi sweetheart, I didn't know what you might need, so I've included a thermos of coffee, another of Pepsi, some sandwiches, cookies, fruit and some raw veggies. There's plenty for your professor too, so don't be greedy.

I love you madly, J.

Ryan smiled back, and nodded agreeably. "Someone does indeed."

"Time's up," Professor Berkowitz said through a yawn as the alarm chimed 3:15 a.m.

Ryan's head dropped to the desk as her arm shot out, extending the test and her blue books dramatically.

After gathering up her supplies, the woman patted Ryan on the back and said, "Need a ride home?"

"Thanks for asking, but I have a feeling that a certain someone is going to be right outside," Ryan said, fatigue etching her face.

The professor laughed and said, "My certain someone's likely been asleep for five hours by now. After you're married for a couple of years, the picnic baskets don't show up with any regularity."

"We're gonna try to keep the magic going," Ryan said with a tired, but confident smile on her face.

"With your determination, I wouldn't put anything past you, Ryan. I hope you're pampering each other into your dotage."

They walked out of the building together, and were immediately hit with a set of flashing headlights. The professor just gave Ryan a smirk, which was returned. "Like clockwork," she said as she shook the woman's hand to thank her one last time.

To Ryan's surprise, Jamie, Jordan and Mia were all in the Lexus, and from the aroma that hit her when she entered, they had been at a bar. "Well, well, well, where were you girls while I was draining years of information from my poor brain?"

Jamie kissed her and gave her a squeeze. "We closed up the White Horse, then we went out for pancakes. We figured that if you had to stay up all night - we did too."

"I love you all," Ryan said, feeling all of the tension and anger leave her body. "One of you in particular," she added, giving her partner a fond pat.

When they reached the house, Jamie said, "Mom and I listened to the whole game on Broadcast.com. I was soooo proud of you, baby! I called your father every 15 minutes or so to give him an update for the first half, then he went over to Brendan's, and they logged on to the Internet and listened too. He called me when it was over, and he was just crowing with pride about how well you played!"

"That really makes me feel good," she mumbled as she started to climb the stairs. "Coach told me that I can start on Monday," she said with a small smile.

"That's wonderful! Aren't you excited?"

"Maybe I will be tomorrow," she said as she yawned widely.