Husbands. Part 23

'Biological clock?' he asks.

I seethe. I hate it when men talk about biological clocks, or hormones, or the time of the month. They wear that supercilious expression and nod as though they understand everything. When in fact the opposite is true.

'Not mine,' I snap. 'Phil's.'

'No. You were never maternal,' mutters Stevie. He sips his c.o.c.ktail, clearly oblivious to the threat of my blinding him with a colourful, paper umbrella. Our confidence and cosiness is easily threatened. 'You know nothing about me,' I bite.

'I'm your husband,' he states.

'Technically. Nothing more.' Suddenly, I want to pick up my bag and storm out of the garden back up to my room. I want to run away from this horrible creeping intimacy, this straight talking, this dangerously explorative mood. I want to run fast, my feet pounding on the pavement, over and over again, just to put some distance between us. But I stay put.

'Philip is desperate for children. It was becoming increasingly difficult to explain my reluctance. But how could I have children with him when I'd simply be inviting those new lives to join my old mess. Parents shouldn't do that. A parent's role is to sort out the messes. I knew I couldn't be legally married to you and have a child with Phil. Besides-' Do I want to go on?

'What?'

'Well, even a.s.suming I get this bigamy thing sorted out, I'm still nervous of how adequate I'll be as a parent. I'm a bit short on role models,' I confess.

'You'll be a great mum, Belinda,' Stevie a.s.sures, with seriousness.

'Thanks,' I grin. 'You'll be a great dad.' Obviously my brain hadn't been consulted before my tongue threw out this rash statement. Stevie is glowing in the light of my compliment.

I snap my mouth shut at just about the exact moment his lips meet mine.

We kiss for how long? I don't know a fraction of a second or several minutes. The kiss is such a delight. It zooms past the last eight years, erasing my history, erasing my responsibilities and, oh G.o.d, erasing my morality. He is s.e.x. He always was. I craved him when I was young. Ached for him on warm summer nights when I slept alone in my dad's home. The window open, letting in the sounds of the evening and the promise of a future. A breeze, that was all about promise and the question, what if? What if?

I'm not going to. I want to. Oh yes, I want to and that's bad enough, but not as bad as actually doing it. I know how he feels (firm) and how he tastes (salty, s.e.xy). I know every curve, niche and crevice of his lovely, lovely body. And there's something else. I know that the s.e.x we had as good as it was would be even better now. I've had other men to practise on, not loads but a few. Way back when... I probably got marks for energy, rather than expertise. I'm more confident about my body now mystifying, considering my skin is not as soft and my b.o.o.bs have... what should I say? Relaxed? But at least I now know exactly how to get the right bits to start jumping.

And let's face it; he's probably learnt a trick or two.

Oh G.o.d, we could have excellent s.e.x. Intense and pa.s.sionate s.e.x.

'Phil,' I say, pushing Stevie away at about the exact same moment I hear him mutter, 'Laura.'

We separate and I grab my c.o.c.ktail better that than Stevie's body.

'We can't, Stevie.'

'We're married. Legally we wouldn't be doing anything wrong,' he says, articulating the loophole that has occurred to us both.

'Morally we'd stink,' I point out.

Stevie sighs. 'I'm confused about your moral code, Bella. Did you find it easy to stand at an altar and agree to marry Phil? Did you sail through that bit about "if anyone knows of any legal reason why this marriage can't go ahead" etc etc?'

'I know I'm confusing you, Stevie. I'm confused too.'

I push back my chair and unsteadily totter to my feet. I sway slightly, Stevie probably a.s.sumes that's the effect of the alcohol which is better than him knowing the truth. His kiss was the most overwhelming of my life and I think it is stamped upon me for ever.

He grabs my hand and our fingers entwine; finding each other swiftly and naturally, as though they had memories of their own.

'Why are you having such an effect on me, after all these years? If I was truly happy with Philip, you wouldn't get near me,' I mutter.

'I agree.'

'Why do I want you?'

'I'm irresistible.' Stevie wants to appear c.o.c.ky and confident but it's an act. I know him: he's lost and forlorn.

'I have to go to bed.'

'Good idea.'

'Alone, Stevie.'

Stevie squeezes my hand, then kisses it, 'I shouldn't be thinking about you either. I should be thinking about Laura or focusing on the compet.i.tion but you plague me. You play me. I wish I hadn't heard you talking to the barman.'

'I didn't know you were listening.'

'True enough. If you had, the last thing you'd have been was honest.' His eyes drill through any semblance of sense I possess. 'Meet me tomorrow, Belinda. We still have so much to deal with. There's so much I don't understand.'

'That's madness,' I insist, pulling my hand away from his. This was just a drunken kiss. We've overstepped the mark, yes. But it's a bungle, not a premeditated cruelty. 'I can't meet you,' I say, shaking my head.

'You owe me, Belinda. This isn't just about you. I'll be in reception at nine. I'll wait for you,' states Stevie firmly.

36. Any Day Now.

Friday 9th July 2004.

Stevie.

b.o.l.l.o.c.ks, b.o.l.l.o.c.ks, b.o.l.l.o.c.ks.

Could this possibly get any messier? What have I done? What have I said?

'Morning, gorgeous,' Laura mutters, as she opens one eye. She doesn't lift her head she also drank a shedload last night and she's only human. She does, however, launch the widest beam and set it sailing in my direction.

I am leaning against the dressing table, as this is the point in the room furthest from the bed. I move my fingers in a feeble wave and say nothing. She widens her grin a fraction, closes her eye and drifts back to sleep. She'll a.s.sume my reticence is because I'm hungover too, or nervous about today's impending rehearsal, or that I didn't want to wake her from her drowsy slumber. Whatever conclusion she reaches, it will be generous and I don't deserve her benevolence.

Nearly every day, for several weeks now, I have been lucky enough to wake up to Laura's beam. It's a wide, very even grin and while I'm aware that it's fashionable to describe desirable women's smiles as 'cookie' or 'lopsided', 'slow' or 'reluctant', Laura's is an absolutely straight grin that is fast and ready. She has fleshy pink lips and Hollywood-white, uniform teeth. Her parents must have spent a stack of dollars at the dentist. This morning, like all the other mornings, her smile radiates and fills the entire room. That and the blinding sunshine streaming through the window are clearly signs from G.o.d that I am a condemned man. I know that, generally speaking, sunshine and a dazzling smile from your girlfriend are seen as fortuitous but in my case I see them for what they are. Aggravators of the world's most vicious hangover, sent to spitefully suck the last drops of moisture out of my frazzled and parched brain. Timely reminders sent to nip and snarl at my malfunctioning conscience.

I've lain awake for practically the entire night when what I needed most was to sleep. Well, I needed sleep about as much as I needed a lobotomy, a kick up the derriere, to turn back time or a life swap. Sleep has to be deemed the most accessible of the above choices, and yet even that eluded me.

All night I lay awake next to beautiful Laura and thought of beautiful Belinda. Laura's long, lithe limbs were stretched out next to me and I carefully studied the wonder of her her grace, poise, strength and athleticism. But while I could see her beauty I felt unable to enjoy it. I have betrayed her.

Some would argue that as I've failed to mention my secret marriage to Belinda, for the entire duration of our relationship, that I had already betrayed Laura on a number of occasions. Whenever I surrept.i.tiously sneaked off to meet Belinda in some warm old pub or snug thirty-something bar, I betrayed her. Whenever I was vague about the 'significant others' in my past, I betrayed her. Whenever I fudged the details of where and when I went to university I was less than honourable. However, in my heart I had not betrayed Laura. Until last night. I believed that I was protecting her. I told myself that I was only involved in this messy subterfuge at Belinda's insistence and Belinda isn't some malevolent force she's Laura's best friend. I did a pretty good job of convincing myself that keeping a secret from Laura was for her own good. After all, the secret did not relate to her, directly. And, well, if I was protecting myself a little bit because once I'd sat through oysters and linguini at Bella's and stayed schtum, I was involved then no harm done. What else could I do? I honestly believed that my situation was messy but not irretrievable and, significantly, not of my own making.

Until last night.

I kissed Belinda. It is impossible to fudge, to excuse, to defend or vindicate. I betrayed Laura. OK, I'd had lots to drink and I am confused. This whole thing is just scrambling my head. And Belinda is my wife. But, oh s.h.i.t, s.h.i.t. That sounds like I'm trying to fudge, to excuse, to defend or vindicate and as expected, it doesn't hold up.

I feel dirty so I slip into the bathroom and quietly start to take a shower. Well, as quiet as it is possible to be; the shower is a power shower with jets that almost blow me clean away, right down the plughole. No more than I'd deserve under the circ.u.mstances.

Do I or don't I love Belinda? I did once. Do I still?

Do I or don't I love Laura? I thought I did, I was about to tell her I did. But then I kissed Belinda.

How is it possible to think so much of two women at the same time? To want two women so much at the same time? Answer: annoyingly, it's easy. The issue is who do I want to spend my foreseeable future with? Because while having feelings for two women at the same time is feasible, it's certainly not advisable and not the sort of situation that can be allowed to endure. Bigamy is a crime and despite the precedent Belinda has set I cannot see it as anything other than morally reprehensible. Adultery the same. I don't want to have an affair with Belinda. I don't want to cheat on Laura. But I don't want to be with the wrong woman either.

I stand with my face towards the shower faucet and let the hot jets spray and splash water on to my face. Who is the right woman? I had no idea that life could be so difficult. What would my mates, Dave and John, make of this? Well, John would probably take the p.i.s.s: he'd insist that there is no dilemma when choosing between two hot women, that it's a win/win situation. Dave would see it as the horrible drama it is. I don't know what to think, except that I have to go to Belinda. I need some answers.

I'm not proud of what I decide to do next but I can't find a solution that would earn me a medal. This one might, at least, help me find some peace of mind. I dry and dress as quietly as possible. I write a note telling Laura that I'm going to spend the day at rehearsals. I hate lying to her but I think it's better than leaving her without any explanation and I'm talking from experience. Then I sneak out of the bedroom, gently closing the door behind me.

37. Memories.

Bella.

'I wasn't sure you'd turn up,' says Stevie.

'Nor was I,' I shrug.

I'm not sure I had any choice in the matter. Last night I lay awake, putting all my energy into not touching Phil. I was terrified that if I touched him, a touch would lead to a hug, a hug to a kiss, and then what? Would he be able to tell I'd kissed another man that night? Of course not. Not possible. Not feasible. But somehow believable. A terrifying thought. I don't want to hurt Phil. I've never wanted to hurt him. I've been trying to avoid that all along. That, and losing him.

Last night I repeatedly told myself I had no choice but to meet Stevie. I reminded myself that he could blow the whole situation sky-high by exposing me as the fake I am, if he so chooses. And, I also argued to myself that he has a point, I do owe him some more answers and further explanations; it's a miracle I've avoided giving them out so far. Finally, I want to. I can't think of a better way to spend my day. The entire position is terrifying.

'Have you eaten?' asks Stevie. He takes a sweeping glance around the hotel reception. 'We could have a pastry in the cafe or go to a diner.'

I shake my head. 'No appet.i.te.' Besides, I have no intention of hanging around where Laura or Phil might spot us. I don't have a death wish.

'Me neither. What do you want to do?'

'Something fun. Come with me.'

We walk out of the reception and step into a waiting limo. I joke with Stevie that I now believe there is no other way to travel since Adrian picked us up from the airport. Stevie looks thrilled that I'm being kind about the trip which, after all, he did win. I haven't been demonstratively appreciative, I know. I'm not really in a position to be especially gushing in my compliments.

I tell the driver to go west of the Strip, via Desert Inn Road and then out on to Industrial Road.

'Where are we going?' asks Stevie.

'Wait and see. Don't worry, I'm not taking you to one of those pay-by-the-hour hotel rooms or even to a tattoo parlour to have my name emblazoned across your chest.'

'That's a relief.' He smiles and pretends to mop his brow.

I was trying to hit a note of flippancy, in an attempt to keep the mood light, but of course I simply sounded flirty and suggestive. How is it possible to keep the mood light under the circ.u.mstances? For a start we both feel extremely uncomfortable that we are lying to our partners in order to be together and I, for one, am fighting lusciously, filthy thoughts. Again.

It's got to be illegal, or at least unusual, to think your husband is as s.e.xy as I think Stevie is. He licks his lips and I practically gasp imagining him running his tongue between my legs. He stretches out his legs, casually, in front of him and I catch a glimpse of his ankle. Not an obviously provocative part of the body under normal circ.u.mstances but I have to exercise superhuman restraint, in order not to swoop down on my hands and knees and start kissing him there. I don't even like feet; I'm definitely not a toe-sucking type. I'd always thought women who fantasized about giving b.l.o.w. .j.o.bs in the back of limos were cheap or weird. I don't want to consciously focus on the fact that I'm currently working out the logistics of doing just that. I wonder if he's having equally erotic thoughts. I steal a sly glance and catch him grinning at me, but it turns out that we're not thinking along the same lines, because when he does interrupt the silence, it transpires he's been thinking about Kirkspey. Kirkspey is always far from my mind.

'If they could see us now.'

'Who?'

'My mum, your dad, your brothers, anyone from Kirkspey.' I shudder at the thought. Stevie is smiling affably. 'What do you think they'd say?' he muses.

'I think they'd be shocked,' I comment pragmatically. 'For a start none of them know that we've had anything to do with each other for eight years. And my family thinks I'm married to Phil. So I guess they'd be a bit surprised to see us riding in the back of a stretch limo, in Las Vegas.'

'Yeah, but besides all that stuff about who knows what and-' he starts to grin '-and who is married to whom.' How can he find that amusing? 'I bet they never thought my Elvis gigs would get us so far.'

'No. I guess not.'

This scenario is so far out of their realm of experience that they couldn't even begin to imagine the sumptuousness, the glitter and the glitz. They could not visualize the enormous hotel rooms, the marble slabs in the lobby that have no discernible use but are purely decorative. They could not imagine riding in a limousine, dipping in a Jacuzzi or drinking c.o.c.ktails in a bar. My dad wouldn't believe that Stevie was living a life that only fictional characters like James Bond are ent.i.tled to. Even the filthy underbelly, the gore attached to Vegas, the prost.i.tutes, the drugs, the gambling addicts, would be beyond the imagination of most Kirkspey inhabitants.

'Here we are,' I say, with a beam, as we reach our destination. I'm glad to move off the subject of Kirkspey. And I'll be glad to get out of the limo. Although it has a huge interior, we were still too close for comfort in it. I need my self-control to go the distance, I'm only human, there's no sense in putting it through unnecessary stress.

'Where are we?' asks Stevie.

'Elvis-A-Rama,' I say proudly. Stevie must see that my bringing him to the Elvis museum is a treat for him.

'Really? Wow.' He grins and almost jumps out of the limo before it draws to a halt.

We're the first ones into the museum and, somewhat surprisingly, even I find it reasonably interesting. Stevie finds it fascinating. He salivates over the exhibits, working himself up to a frenzy over certain artifacts. There is a boat, an ancient Cadillac and a piano. When the curator is not looking Stevie reverently caresses the steering wheel, door handles and ivory keys. I try not to giggle as he tenderly strokes these cold objects. I also try not to feel jealous, lucky b.l.o.o.d.y piano keys.

There is a display devoted to Elvis's army career, showcasing his uniform and letters that he wrote to his manager at that time. There's a fetching red-trimmed karate robe; predictably there are a couple of rhinestone-speckled jumpsuits that Elvis wore to perform and there is a pair of blue suede shoes, which are apparently insured for one million dollars. There's a soundtrack playing, so I hum along, as I walk past countless walls plastered with movie posters and record-alb.u.m covers. After about an hour and a half I'm flagging but Stevie has only just begun to pay homage. I didn't spend this long in the Louvre. I find a seat in front of a video screen and lose myself in a film with shallow plot and questionable dialogue.

I just don't get it. Stevie's enduring pa.s.sion flies right over my head. Elvis was cute and talented and, from all accounts, a nice enough guy to be around, but why would you want to devote your life to looking like him and singing his songs? Why would Stevie want to do that? Stevie and tens of thousands of other people? I don't understand. I shrug and add this question to my pile of unanswered whys.

I wait as long as I can bear to, then check my watch. It's nearly midday. I congratulate myself because I've sidestepped any big talks with Stevie, I've resisted falling into his arms and avoided discussing last night when I didn't resist falling into his arms. So far so good. Also, Phil thinks I'm shopping and has no idea that I'm a bigamist, which is undoubtedly a result. So why don't I feel better or calmer?

I blame Amelie for lots of my discord. I made the mistake of calling her this morning and even though I didn't wake her this time, she was no more sympathetic or helpful than the last time I called. When I tried to explain that Phil made me feel content and secure and Stevie's kisses had sent fireworks to my heart and other less romantic parts of my body, she had tutted impatiently.

'You seem to think your husbands are there to provide answers or to complete you. It doesn't work like that. You have to be a complete being and soul before you can love properly. Phil wasn't put on this earth to make you feel secure nor was Stevie sent to make you feel wild and limitless. Why don't you work out who you are first? Think about it.'

I'm sick of her sanctimonious att.i.tude. She's self-appointed in the role of my conscience and she's unwelcome.

'Amelie, why are you so cross? You and Ben didn't even bother to marry because you don't believe in the inst.i.tution,' I'd argued.

'You do, presumably, since you've chosen that route twice. And, for the record, we did believe in integrity, loyalty and commitment.' I think she would have hung up on me at that point but I didn't give her the opportunity: Phil emerged from the bathroom so I had to cut her off.

Amelie isn't helping matters by constantly insisting that I need to think about things. What I really need is for her, or someone, anyone really, to give me some answers. I'm working against the clock here and I need help.

I stand up and go to hunt down Stevie it's time for lunch.

There's a smart diner next door to the museum. The menu is the same as in all other diners i.e. extensive as long as you fancy something that comes served with chips or maple syrup. As it happens, that's exactly what I fancy, so Stevie and I settle down to large burgers (his chicken, mine bean) with side orders of fries and huge, creamy strawberry milkshakes.