Hunter Hill University: Reaching Rose Part 44

Though my mother wasn't so happy about Rose spending the night in my room, my father laughed at her and told her, in Italian, to open her eyes and get with the twenty-first century. This made Rose uncomfortable, but I explained how much I needed her to be there with me all night. She agreed and let me hold her in my arms, in my bed until early this morning.

But now, I'm lying in recovery where visitors are not allowed, and I've woken up without Rose anywhere to be found. This thought frightens me more than the operation they just performed on me.

I had a hard time deciding on which operation to have done, and I couldn't talk to Rose about it. As much as I love her and could probably talk to her about anything else, I just could not bring myself to talk about this decision with her. Because, truthfully, I did not think I could deal without two-thirds of my leg. I never considered myself vain, but this...whole ordeal has made me think, maybe I am. I mean, I realize that there are prostheses out there that could help me walk and run, so why? Why has this decision been so difficult to make. Then I think about having s.e.x with Rose. We've only made love once. How am I supposed to do that now? Is that vain? Or is that a legitimate worry? Will I be able to...get it up, or will I constantly have my missing leg on my mind? So how could I tell that to Rose? When she went so far as getting herself garter belts and stockings to cover hers up? How could I ever have told Rose my final decision?

I couldn't.

So I didn't.

Besides...she never asked.

I think something deep inside her didn't really want to know.

But I need her here. Now that it's all said and done, all I want is Rose. All I care about is Rose. And that same thought had crossed my mind early this morning. All that matters to me is Rose.

So at the last possible minute, I made the decision that would make Rose most comfortable. She'd never again have to worry that her missing limb was something I found unattractive, or something I thought made her less of a human being.

Because now...

I'll be missing part of my leg too.

And she can find comfort in knowing that I am no different than she is.

But she'll never know my reason for my final decision. That would just cause her pain.

When I'm finally rolled into my room, Rose is waiting in the hallway with my mother, my father, my sister, and my brother. They're told by the nurse that they can see me two at a time and for only five minutes each, but all I really want to see is Rose.

I catch her smile on my way into the room, but I know she won't be the first in to see me. My mother will want to be first.

"Oh, Benito, how you feel?" she asks when she walks in, her eyes already seeping tears.

"Eh." I'm quite groggy and can barely stay awake to speak.

"Oh," she cries and kisses me on the cheek.

"Domenica, basta, he doesn't need your crying right now," my father tells my mom.

"'Sokay, Dad," I manage to mumble. "I'm okay, Mom. Tired."

"Yes, yes...you sleep, Benito."

"Ma? Can you just send in Rose? Before I fall asleep?"

My father answers instead, "Si, certo. Let's go, Domenica. He want to see la sua ragazza. Benny," my dad says, "we be in the wait room."

"Grazie, Dad."

Rose steps in apprehensively, as if she's afraid to come in.

"Rose," I murmur when she approaches.

"How do you feel?" Her voice is soft. Unsure.

"Better now that you're here."

She blushes. "I'm supposed to be making you feel better, not the other way around."

"You are-" I reach for her hand "-just by being here."

She takes my hand, and I notice her eyes dart toward the bottom of my bed, but they're back on my face in an instant.

"They amputated it," I say in answer to her silent question.

Her eyes close, her shoulders droop, and her whole body drops.

"Rose...Rose. Oh my G.o.d." I struggle to find the remote, then I press the nurse's call b.u.t.ton. "Help," I screech out.

My brother comes running in. My parents and my sister follow. "What the h.e.l.l?" one of them says at Rose's form sprawled out on the floor.

Her hand comes up. "I'm...I'm fine."

My brother is picking her up when the nurse comes in. "Oh goodness, put her here..." She instructs my brother to place her down on the empty bed next to mine.

"What happened?" the nurse asked.

"She...pa.s.sed out, I think." I can barely talk I'm so groggy, but I'm worried about Rose.

"Really," I hear Rose say, "I'm fine."

I hear the nurse asking Rose questions, and I think I hear Rose answering, and I really am worried about her, but I'm fading quickly and everything's disappearing.

When I wake up next, it's sometime the next day. Rose is sleeping in the chair by the window, and it hits me that she literally felt like this...and a huge truck actually did run her over. She looks so uncomfortable the way she's sleeping, but I stare at her for a while and wonder if she slept here all night.

"I told her she could stay in the bed, but she wanted no part of it." The nurse comes in and starts fussing with the machines around me.

"Did she stay all night?"

"Yes. They wanted to admit her last night, but she wouldn't let us. She's over eighteen, so we couldn't force her. She signed a release."

"Admit her? Why?"

"Because she pa.s.sed out."

"What? When?"

"Yesterday. I was told she was talking with you, and then she just went down."

"I'm fine." I hear Rose's sweet voice to my right.

"Rose." She's standing next to my bed now and running her hand up and down my arm.

"How you feel?" she asks me.

"I'm good. A little pain right now. But...you pa.s.sed out?"

She rolls her eyes. "I'm glad you don't remember."

"Remember?"

"Okay, son," the nurse interrupts, "I'll give you two some privacy. I'll be back." She leaves and closes the door.

"So, I was awake when you pa.s.sed out?"

"Unfortunately."

"What happened?"

She lets go of my hand and pulls up her chair. "You...well...you told me you had...your...it...amputated."

"And that made you pa.s.s out?" I ask, not getting it.

She nods.

Then she cries.

"Rose?"

"I'm so sorry. I really am. You wanted to keep it and then I was saying all that stuff about infections, and I was selfish, and now you had it taken off, and I...Oh, Ben, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for you...." She's rambling and sobbing at the same time. She only stops because her words get stuck in the tears in her throat.

"Rose. Rose." I place my hand on top of hers and squeeze as tightly as I can, considering I'm weak as h.e.l.l right now. "Rose. It was my decision. Mine. I'm a big boy. No one makes me do anything I don't want to do. I swear to you. My choice."

She's still crying, but she seems to settle down a little. "Really?"

"Really. Did you pa.s.s out because you thought you made me do this?"

She's frowning and her eyes look so sad. "I don't know, Ben. I don't know why I pa.s.sed out, but I remember feeling so sad that you...you lost your leg and...I know I made you feel bad about me and then I remembered how devastating it was when they told me they had to remove part of my leg and I thought, 'Oh my G.o.d, he's gonna be devastated too,' and...and the thoughts kept coming and I just couldn't get..."

"Rose." I squeeze her hand again. "Stop. You're gonna do this to yourself again. Just...it's okay. I'm okay. I really, really am. I had time to make this decision. You didn't. So there's a difference. I'm oh...kay. Please know that."

She nods, but still looks devastated.

"Please smile, half-pint. I need to see your smile."

She smiles. It doesn't reach her eyes, but it's a start.

"Now tell me...does this f.u.c.kin' pain go away any time soon?"

She shakes her head. "I don't think so, but I woke up almost two months after mine was amputated. I think you're probably gonna be in a lot more pain than I can remember." She still has tears running down her face.

"Please stop crying, Rose. Please. Seeing you sad makes me sad. I don't want to be sad right now...and I'm in so much f.u.c.king pain.

They have me so drugged up, but it still f.u.c.king hurts."

"Yeah...I can tell you're drugged up," she says, trying to rein in her tears and wiping her face with her sleeve. "You're kinda talking slow and slurring some words."

"s.h.i.t."

"It's okay. It sounds cute. But go to sleep, Ben. I'll be here. You need to sleep, I can tell. And I'm sorry I cried. I'm...I am."

"Half-pint, it's okay. Really. But don't stay. Go to school." I squeeze her hand, but my grip is quickly losing squeezing power. "I'm just gonna be sleeping or poked and prodded or whatever they have planned for me."

"I really want to stay."

"Dance, Rose. You just started dancing again. You got a routine going. Please, for me. You can come back on the weekend. Don't stop your life while I'm here. 'Kay? You'll go home and dance. For me?"

"I guess." She sighs and leans across my chest. "I'm so sorry," she cries.

"Rosie, stop. I'm fine." I rub my hand on her back, but then we're interrupted by the door opening.

Rose stands up, and I can't believe who just walked through my door.

"Hi, Ben. I hope this isn't too soon."

"You're the scout for the..."

"Yup. The New York..."

"Oh my G.o.d, why are you here?"

"We have an offer to make you."

43.

ROSE.

Forty-five minutes.