Hudibras Part 5

This said, he clapp'd his hand on sword, To shew he meant to keep his word.

But TALGOL, who had long supprest Inflamed wrath in glowing, breast, 685 Which now began to rage and burn as Implacably as flame in furnace, Thus answer'd him: -- Thou vermin wretched As e'er in measled pork was hatched; Thou tail of worship, that dost grow 690 On rump of justice as of cow; How dar'st thou, with that sullen luggage O' th' self, old ir'n, and other baggage, With which thy steed of bones and leather Has broke his wind in halting hither; 695 How durst th', I say, adventure thus T' oppose thy lumber against us?

Could thine impertinence find out To work t' employ itself about, Where thou, secure from wooden blow, 700 Thy busy vanity might'st show?

Was no dispute a-foot between The caterwauling Brethren?

No subtle question rais'd among 705 Those out-o-their wits, and those i' th' wrong; No prize between those combatants O' th' times, the Land and Water Saints; Where thou might'st stickle without hazard Of outrage to thy hide and mazzard; And not for want of bus'ness come 710 To us to be so troublesome, To interrupt our better sort Of disputants, and spoil our sport?

Was there no felony, no bawd, Cut-purse, no burglary abroad; 715 No stolen pig, nor plunder'd goose, To tie thee up from breaking loose?

No ale unlicens'd, broken hedge, For which thou statute might'st alledge, To keep thee busy from foul evil, 720 And shame due to thee from the Devil?

Did no committee sit, where he Might cut out journey-work for thee?

And set th' a task, with subornation, To st.i.tch up sale and sequestration; 725 To cheat, with holiness and zeal, All parties, and the common-weal?

Much better had it been for thee, H' had kept thee where th' art us'd to be; Or sent th' on bus'ness any whither, 730 So he had never brought thee hither.

But if th' hast brain enough in skull To keep itself in lodging whole, And not provoke the rage of stones And cudgels to thy hide and bones 735 Tremble, and vanish, while thou may'st, Which I'll not promise if thou stay'st.

At this the Knight grew high in wroth, And lifting hands and eyes up both, Three times he smote on stomach stout, 740 From whence at length these words broke out:

Was I for this ent.i.tled SIR, And girt with trusty sword and spur, For fame and honor to wage battle, Thus to be brav'd by foe to cattle? 745 Not all that pride that makes thee swell As big as thou dost blown-up veal; Nor all thy tricks and sleights to cheat, And sell thy carrion for good meat; Not all thy magic to repair 750 Decay'd old age in tough lean ware; Make nat'ral appear thy work, And stop the gangrene in stale pork; Not all that force that makes thee proud, Because by bullock ne'er withstood; 755 Though arm'd with all thy cleavers, knives, And axes made to hew down lives, Shall save or help thee to evade The hand of Justice, or this blade, Which I, her sword-bearer, do carry, 760 For civil deed and military.

Nor shall those words of venom base, Which thou hast from their native place, Thy stomach, pump'd to fling on me, Go unreveng'd, though I am free: 765 Thou down the same throat shalt devour 'em, Like tainted beef, and pay dear for 'em.

Nor shall it e'er be said, that wight With gantlet blue, and bases white, And round blunt truncheon by his side, 770 So great a man at arms defy'd With words far bitterer than wormwood, That would in Job or Grizel stir mood.

Dogs with their tongues their wounds do heal; But men with hands, as thou shalt feel. 775

This said, with hasty rage he s.n.a.t.c.h'd His gun-shot, that in holsters watch'd; And bending c.o.c.k, he levell'd full Against th' outside of TALGOL'S skull; Vowing that he shou'd ne'er stir further, 780 Nor henceforth cow nor bullock murther.

But PALLAS came in shape of rust, And 'twixt the spring and hammerthrust Her Gorgon shield, which made the c.o.c.k Stand stiff, as t'were transform'd to stock. 785 Mean while fierce TALGOL, gath'ring might, With rugged truncheon charg'd the Knight; But he with petronel upheav'd, Instead of shield, the blow receiv'd.

The gun recoil'd, as well it might, 790 Not us'd to such a kind of fight, And shrunk from its great master's gripe, Knock'd down and stunn'd by mortal stripe.

Then HUDIBRAS, with furious haste, Drew out his sword; yet not so fast, 795 But TALGOL first, with hardy thwack, Twice bruis'd his head, and twice his back.

But when his nut-brown sword was out, With stomach huge he laid about, Imprinting many a wound upon 800 His mortal foe, the truncheon.

The trusty cudgel did oppose Itself against dead-doing blows, To guard its leader from fell bane, And then reveng'd itself again. 805 And though the sword (some understood) In force had much the odds of wood, 'Twas nothing so; both sides were ballanc't So equal, none knew which was valiant'st: For wood with Honour b'ing engag'd, 810 Is so implacably enrag'd, Though iron hew and mangle sore, Wood wounds and bruises Honour more.

And now both Knights were out of breath, Tir'd in the hot pursuit of death; 815 While all the rest amaz'd stood still, Expecting which should take or kill.

This HUDIBRAS observ'd; and fretting Conquest should be so long a getting, He drew up all his force into 820 One body, and that into one blow.

But TALGOL wisely avoided it By cunning sleight; for had it hit, The upper part of him the blow Had slit as sure as that below. 825

Meanwhile th' incomparable COLON, To aid his friend, began to fall on.

Him RALPH encounter'd, and straight grew A dismal combat 'twixt them two: Th' one arm'd with metal, th' other with wood; 830 This fit for bruise, and that for blood.

With many a stiff thwack, many a bang, Hard crab-tree and old iron rang; While none that saw them cou'd divine To which side conquest would incline, 835 Until MAGNANO, who did envy That two should with so many men vie, By subtle stratagem of brain, Perform'd what force could ne'er attain; For he, by foul hap, having found 840 Where thistles grew on barren ground, In haste he drew his weapon out, And having cropp'd them from the root, He clapp'd them underneath the tail Of steed, with p.r.i.c.ks as sharp as nail. 845 The angry beast did straight resent The wrong done to his fundament; Began to kick, and fling, and wince, As if h' had been beside his sense, Striving to disengage from thistle, 850 That gall'd him sorely under his tail: Instead of which, he threw the pack Of Squire and baggage from his back; And blund'ring still with smarting rump, He gave the Knight's steed such a thump 855 As made him reel. The Knight did stoop, And sat on further side aslope.

This TALGOL viewing, who had now By sleight escap'd the fatal blow, He rally'd, and again fell to't; 860 For catching foe by nearer foot, He lifted with such might and strength, As would have hurl'd him thrice his length, And dash'd his brains (if any) out: But MARS, that still protects the stout, 865 In pudding-time came to his aid, And under him the Bear convey'd; The Bear, upon whose soft fur-gown The Knight with all his weight fell down.

The friendly rug preserv'd the ground, 870 And headlong Knight, from bruise or wound; Like feather-bed betwixt a wall And heavy brunt of cannon-ball.

As Sancho on a blanket fell, And had no hurt, our's far'd as well 875 In body; though his mighty spirit, B'ing heavy, did not so well bear it, The Bear was in a greater fright, Beat down and worsted by the Knight.

He roar'd, and rak'd, and flung about, 880 To shake off bondage from his snout.

His wrath inflam'd, boil'd o'er, and from His jaws of death he threw the foam: Fury in stranger postures threw him, And more than herald ever drew him. 885 He tore the earth which he had sav'd From squelch of Knight, and storm'd and rav'd, And vext the more because the harms He felt were 'gainst the law of arms: For men he always took to be 890 His friends, and dogs the enemy; Who never so much hurt had done him, As his own side did falling on him.

It griev'd him to the guts that they For whom h' had fought so many a fray, 895 And serv'd with loss of blood so long, Shou'd offer such inhuman wrong; Wrong of unsoldier-like condition; For which he flung down his commission; And laid about him, till his nose 900 From thrall of ring and cord broke loose.

Soon as he felt himself enlarg'd, Through thickest of his foes he charg'd, And made way through th' amazed crew; Some he o'erran, and some o'erthrew, 905 But took none; for by hasty flight He strove t' escape pursuit of Knight; From whom he fled with as much haste And dread as he the rabble chas'd.

In haste he fled, and so did they; 910 Each and his fear a several way.

CROWDERO only kept the field; Not stirring from the place he held; Though beaten down and wounded sore, I' th' fiddle, and a leg that bore 915 One side of him; not that of bone, But much it's better, th' wooden one.

He spying HUDIBRAS lie strow'd Upon the ground, like log of wood, With fright of fall, supposed wound, 920 And loss of urine, in a swound, In haste he s.n.a.t.c.h'd the wooden limb, That hurt i' the ankle lay by him, And fitting it for sudden fight, Straight drew it up t' attack the Knight; 925 For getting up on stump and huckle, He with the foe began to buckle; Vowing to be reveng'd for breach Of crowd and skin upon the wretch, Sole author of all detriment 930 He and his fiddle underwent.

But RALPHO (who had now begun T' adventure resurrection From heavy squelch, and had got up Upon his legs, with sprained crup) 935 Looking about, beheld pernicion Approaching Knight from fell musician.

He s.n.a.t.c.h'd his whinyard up, that fled When he was falling off his steed, (As rats do from a falling house,) 940 To hide itself from rage of blows; And, wing'd with speed and fury, flew To rescue Knight from black and blew; Which, e'er he cou'd atchieve, his sconce The leg encounter'd twice and once; 945 And now 'twas rais'd to smite agen, When RALPHO thrust himself between.

He took the blow upon his arm, To shield the Knight from further harm; And, joining wrath with force, bestow'd 950 On th' wooden member such a load, That down it fell, and with it bore CROWDERO, whom it propp'd before.

To him the Squire right nimbly run, And setting conquering foot upon 955 His trunk, thus spoke: What desp'rate frenzy Made thee (thou whelp of Sin!) to fancy Thyself, and all that coward rabble, T' encounter us in battle able?

How durst th', I say, oppose thy curship 960 'Gainst arms, authority, and worship?

And HUDIBRAS or me provoke, Though all thy limbs, were heart of oke, And th' other half of thee as good To bear out blows, as that of wood? 965 Cou'd not the whipping-post prevail With all its rhet'ric, nor the jail, To keep from flaying scourge thy skin, And ankle free from iron gin?

Which now thou shalt -- But first our care 970 Must see how HUDIBRAS doth fare.

This said, he gently rais'd the Knight, And set him on his b.u.m upright.

To rouse him from lethargic dump, He tweak'd his nose; with gentle thump 975 Knock'd on his breast, as if 't had been To raise the spirits lodg'd within.

They, waken'd with the noise, did fly From inward room to window eye, And gently op'ning lid, the cas.e.m.e.nt, 980 Look'd out, but yet with some amazement.

This gladded RALPHO much to see, Who thus bespoke the Knight: quoth he, Tweaking his nose, You are, great Sir, A self-denying conqueror; 985 As high, victorious, and great, As e'er fought for the Churches yet, If you will give yourself but leave To make out what y' already have; That's victory. The foe, for dread 990 Of your nine-worthiness, is fled: All, save CROWDERO, for whose sake You did th' espous'd Cause undertake; And he lies pris'ner at your feet, To be dispos'd as you think meet; 995 Either for life, or death, or sale, The gallows, or perpetual jail; For one wink of your powerful eye Must sentence him to live or die.

His fiddle is your proper purchase, 1000 Won in the service of the Churches; And by your doom must be allow'd To be, or be no more, a crowd.

For though success did not confer Just t.i.tle on the conqueror; 1005 Though dispensations were not strong Conclusions, whether right or wrong, Although out-goings did confirm, And owning were but a mere term; Yet as the wicked have no right 1010 To th' creature, though usurp'd by might, The property is in the Saint, From whom th' injuriously detain 't; Of him they hold their luxuries, Their dogs, their horses, wh.o.r.es, and dice, 1015 Their riots, revels, masks, delights, Pimps, buffoons, fiddlers, parasites; All which the Saints have t.i.tle to, And ought t' enjoy, if th' had their due.

What we take from them is no more 1020 Than what was our's by right before; For we are their true landlords still, And they our tenants but at will.

At this the Knight began to rouze, And by degrees grow valorous. 1025 He star'd about, and seeing none Of all his foes remain, but one, He s.n.a.t.c.h'd his weapon, that lay near him, And from the ground began to rear him; Vowing to make CROWDERO pay 1030 For all the rest that ran away.

But RALPHO now, in colder blood, His fury mildly thus withstood: Great Sir, quoth he, your mighty spirit Is rais'd too high: this slave does merit 1035 To be the hangman's bus'ness, sooner Than from your hand to have the honour Of his destruction. I, that am A nothingness in deed and name Did scorn to hurt his forfeit carcase, 1040 Or ill intreat his fiddle or case: Will you, great Sir, that glory blot In cold blood which you gain'd in hot?

Will you employ your conqu'ring sword To break a fiddle and your word? 1045 For though I fought, and overcame, And quarter gave, 'twas in your name.

For great commanders only own What's prosperous by the soldier done.

To save, where you have pow'r to kill, 1050 Argues your pow'r above your will; And that your will and pow'r have less Than both might have of selfishness.

This pow'r which, now alive, with dread He trembles at, if he were dead, 1055 Wou'd no more keep the slave in awe, Than if you were a Knight of straw: For death would then be his conqueror; Not you, and free him from that terror.

If danger from his life accrue; 1060 Or honour from his death, to you, 'Twere policy, and honour too, To do as you resolv'd to do: But, Sir, 'twou'd wrong your valour much, To say it needs or fears a crutch. 1065 Great conquerors greater glory gain By foes in triumph led, than slain: The laurels that adorn their brows Are pull'd from living not dead boughs, And living foes: the greatest fame 1070 Of cripple slain can be but lame.

One half of him's already slain, The other is not worth your pain; Th' honour can but on one side light, As worship did, when y' were dubb'd Knight. 1075 Wherefore I think it better far To keep him prisoner of war; And let him fast in bonds abide, At court of Justice to be try'd; Where, if he appear so bold and crafty, 1080 There may be danger in his safety.

If any member there dislike His face, or to his beard have pique; Or if his death will save or yield, Revenge or fright, it is reveal'd. 1085 Though he has quarter, ne'er the less Y' have power to hang him when you please.

This has been often done by some Of our great conqu'rors, you know whom; And has by most of us been held 1090 Wise Justice, and to some reveal'd.

For words and promises, that yoke The conqueror, are quickly broke; Like SAMPSON's cuffs, though by his own Direction and advice put on. 1095 For if we should fight for the CAUSE By rules of military laws, And only do what they call just, The Cause would quickly fall to dust.

This we among ourselves may speak; 1100 But to the wicked, or the weak, We must be cautious to declare Perfection-truths, such as these are.

This said, the high outrageous mettle Of Knight began to cool and settle. 1105 He lik'd the Squire's advice, and soon Resolv'd to see the business done And therefore charg'd him first to bind CROWDERO'S hands on rump behind, And to its former place and use, 1110 The wooden member to reduce But force it take an oath before, Ne'er to bear arms against him more.

RALPHO dispatch'd with speedy haste, And having ty'd CROWDERO fast, 1115 He gave Sir Knight the end of cord, To lead the captive of his sword In triumph, whilst the steeds he caught, And them to further service brought.

The Squire in state rode on before, 1120 And on his nut-brown whinyard bore The trophee-fiddle and the case, Leaning on shoulder like a mace.

The Knight himself did after ride, Leading CROWDERO by his side; 1125 And tow'd him, if he lagg'd behind, Like boat against the tide and wind.

Thus grave and solemn they march'd on, Until quite thro' the town th' had gone; At further end of which there stands 1130 An ancient castle, that commands Th' adjacent parts: in all the fabrick You shall not see one stone nor a brick; But all of wood; by pow'rful spell Of magic made impregnable. 1135 There's neither iron-bar nor gate, Portcullis, chain, nor bolt, nor grate, And yet men durance there abide, In dungeon scarce three inches wide; With roof so low, that under it 1140 They never stand, but lie or sit; And yet so foul, that whoso is in, Is to the middle-leg in prison; In circle magical conflu'd, With walls of subtile air and wind, 1145 Which none are able to break thorough, Until they're freed by head of borough.

Thither arriv'd, th' advent'rous Knight And bold Squire from their steeds alight At th' outward wall, near which there stands 1150 A bastile, built to imprison hands; By strange enchantment made to fetter The lesser parts and free the greater; For though the body may creep through, The hands in grate are fast enough: 1155 And when a circle 'bout the wrist Is made by beadle exorcist, The body feels the spur and switch, As if 'twere ridden post by witch At twenty miles an hour pace, 1160 And yet ne'er stirs out of the place.

On top of this there is a spire, On which Sir Knight first bids the Squire The fiddle and its spoils, the case, In manner of a trophee place. 1165 That done, they ope the trap-door gate, And let CROWDERO down thereat; CROWDERO making doleful face, Like hermit poor in pensive place.

To dungeon they the wretch commit, 1170 And the survivor of his feet But th' other, that had broke the peace And head of Knighthood, they release; Though a delinquent false and forged, Yet be'ing a stranger, he's enlarged; 1175 While his comrade, that did no hurt, Is clapp'd up fast in prison for't.

So Justice, while she winks at crimes, Stumbles on innocence sometimes.

NOTES TO PART I. CANTO II.

47 x That is to say, whether Tollulation, As they do term't, or Succussation.

Tollulation and succussation are only Latin words for ambling and trotting; though I believe both were natural amongst the old Romans; since I never read they made use of the trammel, or any other art, to pace their horses.

60 y As Indian Britons, &c.] The American Indians call a great bird they have, with a white head, a penguin, which signifies the same thing in the British tongue: from whence (with other words of the same kind) some authors have endeavoured to prove, that the Americans are originally derived from the Britons.

65 z The dire, &c.] Pharsalia is a city of Thessaly, famous for the battle won by Julius Caesar against Pompey the Great, in the neighbouring plains, in the 607th year of Rome, of which read Lucan's Pharsalia.

129 a Chiron, the &c.] Chiron, a Centaur, son to Saturn and Phillyris, living in the mountains, where, being much given to hunting, he became very knowing in the virtues of plants and one of the most famous physicians of his time. He imparted his skill to AEsculapius and was afterwards Apollo's governor, until being wounded by Hercules, and desiring to die, Jupiter placed him in heaven, where he forms the sign of Sagittarius or the Archer.

133 b In Staffordshire, where virtuous Worth Does raise the Minstrelsy, not Birth, &c.

The whole history of this ancient ceremony you may read at large in Dr. Plot's History of Staffordshire, under the town Tutbury.

155 c Grave as, &c.] For the history of Pegu, read Mandelsa and Olearius's Travels.