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In Staffordshire, where virtuous worth Does raise the minstrelsy, not birth; Where bulls do chuse the boldest king, 135 And ruler, o'er the men of string; (As once in Persia, 'tis said, Kings were proclaim'd by a horse that neigh'd;) He bravely venturing at a crown, By chance of war was beaten down, 140 And wounded sore. His leg then broke, Had got a deputy of oak: For when a shin in fight is cropp'd, The knee with one of timber's propp'd, Esteem'd more honourable than the other, 145 And takes place, though the younger brother.
Next march'd brave ORSIN, famous for Wise conduct, and success in war: A skilful leader, stout, severe, Now marshal to the champion bear. 150 With truncheon, tipp'd with iron head, The warrior to the lists he led; With solemn march and stately pace, But far more grave and solemn face; Grave This leader was of knowledge great, Either for charge or for retreat. He knew when to fall on pell-mell; To fall back and retreat as well. 160 So lawyers, lest the bear defendant, And plaintiff dog, should make an end on't, Do stave and tail with writs of error, Reverse of judgment, and demurrer, To let them breathe a while, and then 165 Cry whoop, and set them on agen. As ROMULUS a wolf did rear, So he was dry-nurs'd by a bear, That fed him with the purchas'd prey Of many a fierce and b.l.o.o.d.y fray; 170 Bred up, where discipline most rare is, In military Garden Paris. <> For soldiers heretofore did grow In gardens, just as weeds do now, Until some splay-foot politicians 175 T'APOLLO offer'd up pet.i.tions For licensing a new invention They'd found out of an antique engine, To root out all the weeds that grow In public gardens at a blow, 180 And leave th' herbs standing. Quoth Sir Sun, My friends, that is not to be done. Not done! quoth Statesmen; yes, an't please ye, When it's once known, you'll say 'tis easy. Why then let's know it, quoth Apollo. 185 We'll beat a drum, and they'll all follow. A drum! (quoth PHOEBUS;) troth, that's true; A pretty invention, quaint and new. But though of voice and instrument We are the undoubted president, 190 We such loud music don't profess: The Devil's master of that office, Where it must pa.s.s, if't be a drum; He'll sign it with Cler. Parl. Dom. Com. To him apply yourselves, and he 195 Will soon dispatch you for his fee. They did so; but it prov'd so ill, Th' had better let 'em grow there still. But to resume what we discoursing Were on before, that is, stout ORSIN: 200 That which so oft, by sundry writers, Has been applied t' almost all fighters, More justly may b' ascrib'd to this Than any other warrior, (viz.) None ever acted both parts bolder, 205 Both of a chieftain and a soldier. He was of great descent and high For splendour and antiquity; And from celestial origine Deriv'd himself in a right line. 210 Not as the ancient heroes did, Who, that their base-births might be hid, (Knowing they were of doubtful gender, And that they came in at a windore) Made Jupiter himself and others 215 O' th' G.o.ds, gallants to their own mothers, To get on them a race of champions, (Of which old Homer first made Lampoons.) ARCTOPHYLAX, in northern spheres Was his undoubted ancestor: 220 From him his great forefathers came, And in all ages bore his name. Learned he was in med'c'nal lore; For by his side a pouch he wore, Replete with strange Hermetic powder, 225 That wounds nine miles point-blank wou'd solder; By skilful chemist, with great cost, Extracted from a rotten post; But of a heav'nlier influence Than that which mountebanks dispense; 230 Tho' by Promethean fire made, <> As they do quack that drive that trade. For as when slovens do amiss At others doors, by stool or p.i.s.s, The learned write, a red-hot spit 235 B'ing prudently apply'd to it, Will convey mischief from the dung Unto the part that did the wrong, So this did healing; and as sure As that did mischief this would cure. 240 Thus virtuous ORSIN was endu'd With learning, conduct, fort.i.tude, Incomparable: and as the prince Of poets, HOMER sung long since A skilful leech is better far 245 Than half an hundred men of war, So he appear'd; and by his skill, No less than dint of sword, cou'd kill The gallant BRUIN march'd next him, With visage formidably grim, 250 And rugged as a Saracen, Or Turk of Mahomet's own kin; Clad in a mantle della guerre Of rough impenetrable fur; And in his nose, like Indian King, 255 He wore, for ornament, a ring; About his neck a threefold gorget. As rough as trebled leathern target; Armed, as heralds cant, and langued; Or, as the vulgar say, sharp-fanged. 260 For as the teeth in beasts of prey Are swords, with which they fight in fray; So swords, in men of war, are teeth, Which they do eat their vittle with. He was by birth, some authors write, 265 A Russian; some, a Muscovite; And 'mong the Cossacks had been bred; <> Of whom we in diurnals read, That serve to fill up pages here, As with their bodies ditches there. 270 SCRIMANSKY was his cousin-german, With whom he serv'd, and fed on vermin; And when these fail'd, he'd suck his claws, And quarter himself upon his paws. And tho' his countrymen, the Huns,<> 275 Did stew their meat between their b.u.ms And th' horses backs o'er which they straddle, And ev'ry man eat up his saddle; He was not half so nice as they, But eat it raw when 't came in's way. 280 He had trac'd countries far and near, More than LE BLANC, the traveller; Who writes, he spous'd in India, Of n.o.ble house, a lady gay, And got on her a race of worthies, 285 As stout as any upon earth is. Full many a fight for him between TALGOL and ORSIN oft had been Each striving to deserve the crown Of a sav'd citizen; the one 290 To guard his bear; the other fought To aid his dog; both made more stout By sev'ral spurs of neighbourhood, Church-fellow-membership, and blood But TALGOL, mortal foe to cows, 295 Never got aught of him but blows; Blows, hard and heavy, such as he Had lent, repaid with usury. Yet TALGOL was of courage stout, And vanquish'd oft'ner than he fought: 300 Inur'd to labour, sweat and toil, And like a champion shone with oil. Right many a widow his keen blade,. And many fatherless had made. He many a boar and huge dun-cow 305 Did, like another Guy, o'erthrow; But Guy with him in fight compar'd, Had like the boar or dun-cow far'd With greater troops of sheep h' had fought Than AJAX or bold DON QUIXOTE: 310 And many a serpent of fell kind, With wings before and stings behind, Subdu'd: as poets say, long agone Bold Sir GEORGE, St. GEORGE did the dragon. Nor engine, nor device polemic, 31 5 Disease, nor doctor epidemic, Tho' stor'd with deletory med'cines, (Which whosoever took is dead since,) E'er sent so vast a colony To both the underworlds as he: 320 For he was of that n.o.ble trade That demi-G.o.ds and heroes made, Slaughter and knocking on the head;. The trade to which they all were bred; And is, like others, glorious when 325 'Tis great and large, but base if mean. The former rides in triumph for it; The latter in a two-wheel'd chariot For daring to profane a thing So sacred with vile bungling. 330 Next these the brave MAGNANO came; MAGNANO, great in martial fame. Yet when with ORSIN he wag'd fight, 'Tis sung, he got but little by't. Yet he was fierce as forest boar, 335 Whose spoils upon his back he wore, As thick as AJAX' seven-fold shield, Which o'er his brazen arms he held: But bra.s.s was feeble to resist The fury of his armed fist: 340 Nor cou'd the hardest ir'n hold out Against his blows, but they wou'd through't. In MAGIC he was deeply read As he that made the brazen head; Profoundly skill'd in the black art; 345 As ENGLISH MERLIN for his heart; But far more skilful in the spheres Than he was at the sieve and shears. He cou'd transform himself in colour As like the devil as a collier; 350 As like as hypocrites in show Are to true saints, or crow to crow. Of WARLIKE ENGINES he was author, Devis'd for quick dispatch of slaughter: The cannon, blunderbuss, and saker, 355 He was th' inventor of, and maker: The trumpet, and the kettle-drum, Did both from his invention come. He was the first that e'er did teach To make, and how to stop, a breach. 360 A lance he bore with iron pike; Th' one half wou'd thrust, the other strike; And when their forces he had join'd, He scorn'd to turn his parts behind. He TRULLA lov'd; TRULLA, more bright 365 Than burnish'd armour of her Knight: A bold virago, stout and tall, As Thro' perils both of wind and limb, Thro' thick and thin, she follow'd him, 370 In ev'ry adventure h' undertook, And never him or it forsook. At breach of wall, or hedge surprize, She shar'd i' th' hazard and the prize: At beating quarters up, or forage, 375 Behav'd herself with matchless courage; And laid about in fight more busily Than the And though some criticks here cry shame, And say our authors are to blame, 380 That (spite of all philosophers, Who hold no females stout, but bears; And heretofore did so abhor That women should pretend to war, 'They wou'd not suffer the stoutest dame 385 To swear It may be so; yet what we tell Of TRULLA that's improbable, Shall be depos'd by those who've seen't, 405 Or, what's as good, produc'd in print: And if they will not take our word, We'll prove it true upon record. The upright CERDON next advanc't, Of all his race the valiant'st: 410 CERDON the Great, renown'd in song, Like HERC'LES, for repair of wrong: He rais'd the low, and fortify'd The weak against the strongest side: Ill has he read, that never hit 415 On him in Muses' deathless writ. He had a weapon keen and fierce, That through a bull-hide shield wou'd pierce, And cut it in a thousand pieces, 420 Tho' tougher than the Knight of Greece his, With whom his black-thumb'd ancestor Was comrade in the ten years war: For when the restless Greeks sat down So many years before Troy town, 425 And were renown'd, as HOMER writes, For well-soal'd boots no less than fights, They ow'd that glory only to His ancestor, that made them so. Fast friend he was to REFORMATION, 430 Until 'twas worn quite out of fashion. Next rectifier of wry LAW, And wou'd make three to cure one flaw. Learned he was, and could take note, Transcribe, collect, translate, and quote. 435 But PREACHING was his chiefest talent, Or argument, in which b'ing valiant, He us'd to lay about and stickle, Like ram or bull, at conventicle: For disputants, like rams and bulls, 440 Do fight with arms that spring from skulls. Last COLON came, bold man of war, Destin'd to blows by fatal star; Right expert in command of horse; But cruel, and without remorse. 445 That which of CENTAUR long ago Was said, and has been wrested to Some other knights, was true of this; He and his horse were of a piece. One spirit did inform them both; 450 The self-same vigour, fury, wroth: Yet he was much the rougher part, And always had a harder heart; Although his horse had been of those That fed on man's flesh, as fame goes. 455 Strange food for horse! and yet, alas! It may be true, for flesh is gra.s.s. St.u.r.dy he was, and no less able Than HERCULES to clean a stable; As great a drover, and as great 460 A critic too, in hog or neat. He ripp'd the womb up of his mother, Dame Tellus, 'cause she wanted fother And provender wherewith to feed Himself, and his less cruel steed. 465 It was a question, whether he Or's horse were of a family More worshipful: 'till antiquaries (After th' had almost por'd out their eyes) Did very learnedly decide 470 The business on the horse's side; And prov'd not only horse, but cows, Nay, pigs, were of the elder house: For beasts, when man was but a piece Of earth himself, did th' earth possess. 475 These worthies were the chief that led The combatants, each in the head Of his command, with arms and rage, Ready and longing to engage. The numerous rabble was drawn out 480 Of sev'ral counties round about, From villages remote, and shires, Of east and western hemispheres From foreign parishes and regions, Of different manners, speech, religions, 485 Came men and mastiffs; some to fight For fame and honour, some for sight. And now the field of death, the lists, Were enter'd by antagonists, And blood was ready to be broach'd, 490 When HUDIBRAS in haste approach'd, With Squire and weapons, to attack 'em: But first thus from his horse bespake 'em: What rage, O citizens! what fury Doth you to these dire actions hurry? 495 What oestrum, what phrenetic mood, Makes you thus lavish of your blood, While the proud Vies your trophies boast And unreveng'd walks -- ghost? What towns, what garrisons might you 500 With hazard of this blood subdue, Which now y'are bent to throw away In vain, untriumphable fray! Shall SAINTS in civil bloodshed wallow Of Saints, and let the CAUSE lie fallow? 505 The Cause for which we fought and swore So boldly, shall we now give o'er? Then, because quarrels still are seen With oaths and swearings to begin, The SOLEMN LEAGUE and COVENANT 510 Will seem a mere G.o.d-dam-me rant; And we, that took it, and have fought, As lewd as drunkards that fall out. For as we make war for the King Against himself the self-same thing, 515 Some will not stick to swear we do For G.o.d and for Religion too: For if bear-baiting we allow, What good can Reformation do? The blood and treasure that's laid out, 520 Is thrown away, and goes for nought. Are these the fruits o' th' PROTESTATION, The Prototype of Reformation, Which all the Saints, and some, since Martyrs, Wore Did they for this draw down the rabble, With zeal and noises formidable, And make all cries about the town 530 Join throats to cry the Bishops down? Who having round begirt the palace, (As once a month they do the gallows,) As members gave the sign about, Set up their throats with hideous shout. 535 When tinkers bawl'd aloud to settle Church discipline, for patching kettle: No sow-gelder did blow his horn To geld a cat, but cry'd, Reform. The oyster-women lock'd their fish up, 540 And trudg'd away, to cry, No Bishop. The mouse-trap men laid save-alls by, And 'gainst Ev'l Counsellors did cry. Botchers left old cloaths in the lurch, And fell to turn and patch the Church. 545 Some cry'd the Covenant instead Of pudding-pies and ginger-bread; And some for brooms, old boots and shoes, Bawl'd out to Purge the Commons House. Instead of kitchen-stuff, some cry, 550 A Gospel-preaching Ministry; And some, for old suits, coats, or cloak, No Surplices nor Service-Book. A strange harmonious inclination Of all degrees to Reformation. 555 And is this all? Is this the end To which these carr'ings on did tend? Hath public faith, like a young heir, For this ta'en up all sorts of ware, And run int' every tradesman's book, 560 'Till both turn'd bankrupts, and are broke? Did Saints for this bring in their plate, And crowd as if they came too late? For when they thought the Cause had need on't, Happy was he that could be rid on't. 565 Did they coin p.i.s.s-pots, bowls, and flaggons, Int' officers of horse and dragoons; And into pikes and musquetteers Stamp beakers, cups, and porringers! A thimble, bodkin, and a spoon, 570 Did start up living men as soon As in the furnace they were thrown, Just like the dragon's teeth b'ing sown. Then was the Cause of gold and plate, The Brethren's off'rings, consecrate, 575 Like th' Hebrew calf, and down before it The Saints fell prostrate, to adore it So say the wicked -- and will you Make that Have pow'rful Preachers ply'd their tongues, And laid themselves out and their lungs; Us'd all means, both direct and sinister, I' th' pow'r of Gospel-preaching Minister? 585 Have they invented tones to win The women, and make them draw in The men, as Indians with a female Tame elephant inveigle the male? Have they told Prov'dence what it must do, 590 Whom to avoid, and whom to trust to? Discover'd th' enemy's design, And which way best to countermine? Prescrib'd what ways it hath to work, Or it will ne'er advance the Kirk? 595 Told it the news o' th' last express, And after good or bad success, Made prayers, not so like pet.i.tions, As overtures and propositions, (Such as the army did present 600 To their creator, th' Parliament,) In which they freely will confess They will not, cannot acquiesce, Unless the work be carry'd on In the same way they have begun, 605 By setting Church and Common-weal All on a flame, bright as their zeal, On which the Saints were all a-gog, And all this for a bear and dog? The parliament drew up pet.i.tions 610 To itself, and sent them, like commissions, To well-affected persons down, In ev'ry city and great town, With pow'r to levy horse and men, Only to bring them back agen: 615 For this did many, many a mile, Ride manfully in rank and file, With papers in their hats, that show'd As if they to the pillory rode. Have all these courses, these efforts, 620 Been try'd by people of all sorts, Velis & remis, omnibus nervis And all t'advance the Cause's service? And shall all now be thrown, away In petulant intestine fray? 625 Shall we that in the Cov'nant swore, Each man of us to run before Another, still in Reformation, Give dogs and bears a dispensation? How will Dissenting Brethren relish it? 630 What will malignants say? videlicet, That each man Swore to do his best, To d.a.m.n and perjure all the rest! And bid the Devil take the hin'most, Which at this race is like to win most. 635 They'll say our bus'ness, to reform The Church and State, is but a worm; For to subscribe, unsight, unseen, To an unknown Church-discipline, What is it else, but before-hand 640 T'engage, and after understand? For when we swore to carry on The present Reformation, According to the purest mode Of Churches best reformed abroad, 645 What did we else, but make a vow To do we know not what, nor how? For no three of us will agree, Where or what Churches these should be; And is indeed These slanders will be thrown upon The Cause and Work we carry on, 655 If we permit men to run headlong T' exorbitances fit for Bedlam Rather than Gospel-walking times, When slightest sins are greatest crimes. But we the matter so shall handle, 660 As to remove that odious scandal. In name of King and parliament, I charge ye all; no more foment This feud, but keep the peace between Your brethren and your countrymen; 665 And to those places straight repair Where your respective dwellings are. But to that purpose first surrender The FIDDLER, as the prime offender, Th' incendiary vile, that is chief 670 Author and engineer of mischief; That makes division between friends, For profane and malignant ends. He, and that engine of vile noise, On which illegally he plays, 675 Shall (dictum factum) both be brought To condign punishment, as they ought. This must be done; and I would fain see Mortal so st.u.r.dy as to gain-say: For then I'll take another course, 680 And soon reduce you all by force.
