Hudibras Part 12

Quoth HUDIBRAS, That's answer'd soon Give us the whip, we'll lay it on.

Quoth RALPHO, That we may swear true, 'Twere properer that I whipp'd you For when with your consent 'tis done, 475 The act is really your own.

Quoth HUDIBRAS, It is in vain (I see) to argue 'gainst the grain; Or, like the stars, incline men to What they're averse themselves to do: 480 For when disputes are weary'd out, 'Tis interest still resolves the doubt But since no reason can confute ye, I'll try to force you to your duty For so it is, howe'er you mince it; 485 As ere we part, I shall evince it And curry (if you stand out) whether You will or no, your stubborn leather.

Canst thou refuse to hear thy part I' th' publick work, base as thou art? 490 To higgle thus for a few blows, To gain thy Knight an op'lent spouse Whose wealth his bowels yearn to purchase, Merely for th' interest of the Churches; And when he has it in his claws, 495 Will not be hide-bound to the Cause?

Nor shalt thou find him a Curmudgin, If thou dispatch it without grudging.

If not, resolve, before we go, That you and I must pull a crow. 500

Y' had best (quoth RALPHO) as the ancients Say wisely, Have a care o' th' main chance, And look before you ere you leap; For as you sow, y' are like to reap: And were y' as good as George-a-Green, 505 I shall make bold to turn agen Nor am I doubtful of the issue In a just quarrel, and mine is so.

Is't fitting for a man of honour To whip the Saints, like Bishop Bonner? 510 A Knight t' usurp the beadle's office, For which y' are like to raise brave trophies.

But I advise you (not for fear, But for your own sake) to forbear; And for the Churches, which may chance, 515 From hence, to spring a variance; And raise among themselves new scruples, Whom common danger hardly couples.

Remember how, in arms and politicks, We still have worsted all your holy tricks; 520 Trepann'd your party with intrigue, And took your grandees down a peg; New modell'd th' army, and cashier'd All that to legion SMEC adher'd; Made a mere utensil o' your Church, 525 And after left it in the lurch A scaffold to build up our own, And, when w' had done with't, pull'd it down Capoch'd your Rabbins of the Synod, And snap'd their Canons with a why-not; 530 (Grave Synod Men, that were rever'd For solid face and depth of beard;) Their cla.s.sic model prov'd a maggot, Their direct'ry an Indian PaG.o.d; And drown'd their discipline like a kitten, 535 On which they'd been so long a sitting; Decry'd it as a holy cheat, Grown out of date, and obsolete; And all the Saints of the first gra.s.s As casting foals of Balaam's a.s.s. 540

At this the Knight grew high in chafe, And staring furiously on RALPH, He trembled, and look'd pale with ire Like ashes first, then red as fire.

Have I (quoth he) been ta'en in fight, 545 And for so many moons lain by't, And, when all other means did fail, Have been exchang'd for tubs of ale?

Not but they thought me worth a ransome Much more consid'rable and handsome, 550 But for their own sakes, and for fear They were not safe when I was there Now to be baffled by a scoundrel, An upstart sect'ry, and a mungrel; Such as breed out of peccant humours, 555 Of our own Church, like wens or tumours, And, like a maggot in a sore, Would that which gave it life devour; It never shall be done or said; With that he seiz'd upon his blade; 560 And RALPHO too, as quick and bold, Upon his basket-hilt laid hold, With equal readiness prcpar'd To draw, and stand upon his guard; When both were parted on the sudden, 565 With hideous clamour, and a loud one As if all sorts of noise had been Contracted into one loud din; Or that some member to be chosen, Had got the odds above a thousand, 570 And by the greatness of its noise, Prov'd fittest for his country's choice.

This strange surprisal put the Knight And wrathful Squire into a fright; And though they stood prepar'd, with fatal 575 Impetuous rancour to join battel, Both thought it was the wisest course To wave the fight and mount to horse, And to secure by swift retreating, Themselves from danger of worse beating. 580 Yet neither of them would disparage, By utt'ring of his mind, his courage, Which made them stoutly keep their ground, With horror and disdain wind-bound.

And now the cause of all their fear 585 By slow degrees approach'd so near, They might distinguish different noise Of horns, and pans, and dogs, and boys, And kettle-drums, whose sullen dub Sounds like the hooping of a tub. 590 But when the sight appear'd in view, They found it was an antique show; A triumph, that, for pomp and state, Did proudest Romans emulate: For as the aldermen of Rome 595 Their foes at training overcome, And not enlarging territory, (As some mistaken write in Story,) Being mounted, in their best array, Upon a carr, and who but they! 600 And follow'd with a world of tall-lads, That merry ditties troll'd, and ballads, Did ride with many a good-morrow, Crying, Hey for our Town! through the Borough So when this triumph drew so nigh 605 They might particulars descry, They never saw two things so pat, In all respects, as this and that.

First, he that led the cavalcade, Wore a sow-gelder's flagellate, 610 On which he blew as strong a levet As well-fee'd lawyer on his breviate, When over one another's heads They charge (three ranks at once) like Swedes, Next pans and kettle, of all keys, 615 From trebles down to double base; And after them, upon a nag, That might pa.s.s for a forehand stag, A cornet rode, and on his staff A smock display'd did proudly wave. 620 Then bagpipes of the loudest drones, With snuffling broken-winded tones, Whose blasts of air, in pockets shut Sound filthier than from the gut, And make a viler noise than swine 625 In windy weather, when they whine.

Next one upon a pair of panniers, Full fraught with that which for good manners Shall here be nameless, mixt with grains, Which he dispens'd among the swains, 630 And busily upon the crowd At random round about bestow'd.

Then, mounted on a horned horse, One bore a gauntlet and gilt spurs, Ty'd to the pummel of a long sword 635 He held reverst, the point turn'd downward, Next after, on a raw-bon'd steed, The conqueror's standard-bearer rid, And bore aloft before the champion A petticoat display'd, and rampant 640 Near whom the Amazon triumphant Bestrid her beast, and on the rump on't Sat face to tail, and b.u.m to b.u.m, The warrior whilom overcome; Arm'd with a spindle and a distaff, 645 Which, as he rode, she made him twist off; And when he loiter'd, o'er her shoulder Chastis'd the reformado soldier.

Before the dame, and round about, March'd whifflers and staffiers on foot, 650 With lackies, grooms, valets, and pages, In fit and proper equipages; Of whom some torches bore, some links, Before the proud virago minx, That was both Madam and a Don, 655 Like NERO'S SPORUS, or POPE JOAN; And at fit periods the whole rout Set up their throats with clamorous shout.

The Knight, transported, and the Squire, Put up their weapons, and their ire; 660 And HUDIBRAS, who us'd to ponder On such sights with judicious wonder, Could hold no longer to impart His animadversions, for his heart.

Quoth he, In all my life, till now, 665 I ne'er saw so prophane a show.

It is a Paganish invention, -- Which heathen writers often mention: And he who made it had read GOODWIN, Or Ross, or CAELIUS RHODOGINE, 670 With all the Grecians, SPEEDS and STOWS, That best describe those ancient shows; And has observ'd all fit decorums We find describ'd by old historians: For as the Roman conqueror, 675 That put an end to foreign war, Ent'ring the town in triumph for it, Bore a slave with him, in his chariot; So this insulting female brave, Carries behind her here a slave: 680 And as the ancients long ago, When they in field defy'd the foe, Hung out their mantles della guerre, So her proud standard-bearer here Waves on his spear, in dreadful manner, 685 A Tyrian-petticoat for banner: Next links and torches, heretofore Still borne before the emperor.

And as, in antique triumphs, eggs Were borne for mystical intrigues, 690 There's one with truncheon, like a ladle, That carries eggs too, fresh or addle; And still at random, as he goes, Among the rabble-rout bestows.

Quoth Ralpho, You mistake the matter; 695 For all th' antiquity you smatter, Is but a riding, us'd of course When the grey mare's the better horse; When o'er the breeches greedy women Fight to extend their vast dominion; 700 And in the cause impatient Grizel Has drubb'd her Husband with bull's pizzle, And brought him under Covert-Baron, To turn her va.s.sal with a murrain; When wives their s.e.xes shift, like hares, 705 And ride their husbands like night-mares, And they in mortal battle vanquish'd, Are of their charter disenfranchis'd And by the right of war, like gills, Condemn'd to distaff, horns, and wheels: 710 For when men by their wives are cow'd, Their horns of course are understood

Quoth HUDIBRAS thou still giv'st sentence Impertinently, and against sense.

Tis not the least disparagement 715 To be defeated by th' event, Nor to be beaten by main force; That does not make a man the worse, Although his shoulders with battoon Be claw'd and cudgel'd to some tune. 720 A taylor's 'prentice has no hard Measure that's bang'd with a true yard: But to turn tail, or run away, And without blows give up the day, Or to surrender ere th' a.s.sault, 725 That's no man's fortune, but his fault, And renders men of honour less Than all th' adversity of success; And only unto such this shew Of horns and petticoats is due. 730 There is a lesser profanation, Like that the Romans call'd ovation: For as ovation was allow'd For conquest purchas'd without blood, So men decree these lesser shows 735 For victory gotten without blows, By dint of sharp hard words, which some Give battle with, and overcome.

These mounted in a chair-curule, Which moderns call a cucking-stool, 740 March proudly to the river's side, And o'er the waves in triumph ride; Like Dukes of VENICE, who are said The Adriatick Sea to wed; And have a gentler wife than those 745 For whom the State decrees those shows, But both are heathenish, and come From th' wh.o.r.es of Babylon and Rome; And by the Saints should be withstood, As Antichristian and lewd; 750 And as such, should now contribute Our utmost struggling to prohibit.

This said, they both advanc'd, and rode A dog-trot through the bawling crowd, T'attack the leader, and still prest, 755 Till they approach'd him breast to breast Then HUDIBRAS, with face and hand, Made signs for silence; which obtain'd, What means (quoth he) this Devil's precession With men of orthodox profession? 760 'Tis ethnic and idolatrous, From heathenism deriv'd to us, Does not the Wh.o.r.e of Babylon ride Upon her horned beast astride Like this proud dame, who either is 765 A type of her, or she of this?

Are things of superst.i.tious function Fit to be us'd in Gospel Sun-shine?

It is an Antichristian opera, Much us'd in midnight times of Popery, 770 Of running after self-inventions Of wicked and profane intentions; To scandalize that s.e.x for scolding, To whom the Saints are so beholden.

Women, who were our first Apostles 775 Without whose aid we had been lost else; Women, that left no stone unturn'd In which the Cause might he concern'd; Brought in their children's' spoons and whistles, To purchase swords, carbines, and pistols; 780 Their husbands, cullies, and sweet-hearts, To take the Saints and Churches' parts; Drew several gifted Brethren in, That for the Bishops would have been, And fix'd 'em constant to the party, 785 With motives powerful and hearty; Their husbands robb'd, and made hard shifts T'administer unto their gifts All they cou'd rap, and rend, and pilfer, To sc.r.a.ps and ends of gold and silver; 790 Rubb'd down the Teachers, tir'd and spent With holding forth for Parliament, Pamper'd and edify'd their zeal With marrow-puddings many a meal; And led them, with store of meat, 795 On controverted points to eat; And cram'd 'em, till their guts did ake, With cawdle, custard, and plum-cake: What have they done, or what left undone, That might advance the Cause at London? 800 March'd rank and file, with drum and ensign, T'intrench the city for defence in Rais'd rampiers with their own soft hands, To put the enemy to stands; From ladies down to oyster-wenches, 805 Labour'd like pioneers in trenches; Fell to their pick-axes, and tools, And help'd the men to dig like moles?

Have not the handmaids of the city Chose of their members a committee, 810 For raising of a common purse Out of their wages to raise horse?