How to be Happy Though Married Part 19

A writer on _The Orkneys and Shetland_ tells the following. A native of Hoy went one day to his minister and said, "Oh! sir, but the ways of Providence are wonderful! I thought I had met with a sair misfortune when I lost baith my coo and my wife at aince over the cliff, twa months sin; but I gaed over to Graemsay, and I hae gotten a far better coo and a far bonnier wife."

That a wife is not always so easily replaced is evident from the following letter which appeared in the Belfast papers: "SIR,--I request permission to inform your readers of the fair s.e.x that I have just received a letter from a young man residing in a rapidly-rising town of a few months' growth, and terminus of several railways, in one of the Western States of America, telling me that he has lost his wife, and would wish to get another one--a nice little Irish girl, just like the other one; that she should be 'between twenty and twenty-five years of age, of good habits, of good forme, vertchaus, and a Protestant.' My correspondent, who is a perfect stranger to me, informs me that he is 28 years of age, and 'ways' 150 lbs.; that he is a carpenter by trade, and owns a farm of 65 acres, and that he can give the best of references. I am writing to him for his references and his photograph, and also for a photograph and description of his late wife, on receipt of which I will address you again.--VERE FOSTER, Belfast, Jan. 5, 1883."

This poor, uneducated carpenter was so happy with his nice little Irish girl that when taken from him he could not help trying to get another one just like her, and sends more than three thousand miles for a chip of the old block. If any blame him for seeking for a second wife let them reflect on the awful solitude of a backwoods settlement when the prairie flower represented by a nice little Irish girl had faded and died. By desiring to marry again he paid the highest compliment to his first wife, for he showed that she had made him a happy man.

It is sometimes said that the happiest days of a man's life is the day of his wedding and the day of his wife's funeral. And the _Quarterly Review_, in an article on Church Bells, related that one Thomas Nash in 1813 bequeathed fifty pounds a year to the ringers of the Abbey Church at Westminster, "on condition of their ringing on the whole peal of bells, with clappers m.u.f.fled, various _solemn and doleful changes_ on the 14th of May in every year, being the anniversary of my wedding-day; and also on the anniversary of my decease to ring a grand bob-major, and _merry, mirthful peals_, unm.u.f.fled, in joyful commemoration of my happy release from domestic tyranny and wretchedness."

As a rule, however, no matter how much a husband and wife have tormented each other the separation when it comes is very painful. How true to life is Trollope's description of the effect of Mrs. Proudie's death upon the bishop. "A wonderful silence had come upon him which for the time almost crushed him. He would never hear that well-known voice again! He was free now. Even in his misery--for he was very miserable--he could not refrain from telling himself that. No one could now press uncalled for into his study, contradict him in the presence of those before whom he was bound to be authoritative, and rob him of all his dignity. There was no one else of whom he was afraid. She had at least kept him out of the hands of other tyrants. He was now his own master, and there was a feeling--I may not call it of relief, for as yet there was more of pain in it than of satisfaction--a feeling as though he had escaped from an old trouble at a terrible cost, of which he could not as yet calculate the amount.... She had in some ways, and at certain periods of his life, been very good to him. She had kept his money for him and made things go straight when they had been poor. His interests had always been her interests. Without her he would never have been a bishop. So, at least, he told himself now, and so told himself probably with truth. She had been very careful of his children. She had never been idle. She had never been fond of pleasure. She had neglected no acknowledged duty. He did not doubt that she was now on her way to heaven. He took his hands down from his head, and clasping them together, said a little prayer. It may be doubted, whether he quite knew for what he was praying. The idea of praying for her soul, now that she was dead, would have scandalized him. He certainly was not praying for his own soul. I think he was praying that G.o.d might save him from being glad that his wife was dead.... But yet his thoughts were very tender to her. Nothing reopens the springs of love so fully as absence, and no absence so thoroughly as that which must needs be endless. We want that which we have not; and especially that which we can never have. She had told him in the very last moments of her presence with him that he was wishing that she were dead, and he had made her no reply. At the moment he had felt, with savage anger, that such was his wish. Her words had now come to pa.s.s, and he was a widower; and he a.s.sured himself that he would give all that he possessed in the world to bring her back again."

Richard Cobden once asked in reference to a famous and successful but unscrupulous statesman, "How will it be with him when all is retrospect?" Husband and wife, how will it be when death has separated you, and your married life is retrospect?

Many a man or woman, going on from day to day in the faithful performance of duty, without any sweet token of approval to cheer the sometimes weary path, would find it act as the very wine of life could he or she only hear by antic.i.p.ation some few of the pa.s.sionate words of appreciation or regret that will be spoken when the faithful heart, stilled for ever, can no longer be moved by the tone of loving commendation. Do not in this way let us keep all the good hermetically sealed up till the supreme touch of death shall force it open.

"Alas! how often at our hearths we see-- And by our side--angels about to be!"

But somehow the selfish absorption of life acts as a soporific to our truer sense, and our "eyes are holden that we do not know them," until, alas! it is too late, and they have "pa.s.sed out of our sight."

"Could ye come back to me, Douglas, Douglas, In the old likeness that I knew, I would be so faithful, so loving, Douglas-- Douglas, Douglas! tender and true!

Never a scornful word should grieve ye, I'd smile on ye, sweet as the angels do; Sweet as your smile on me shone ever-- Douglas, Douglas! tender and true."

"The grave buries every error, covers every defect, extinguishes every resentment. From its peaceful bosom spring none but fond regrets and tender recollections. Who can look down upon the grave of an enemy and not feel a compunctious throb that he should have warred with the poor handful of dust that lies mouldering before him?" If the love that is lavished on the graves of dead friends were bestowed on living darlings in equal measure, family life would be a different thing from what it sometimes is.

As George IV. put on the statue of George III. "pater optimus," best of fathers, though he had embittered his father's life, so many a husband tries to relieve his remorse by extravagantly praising the wife who when alive never received any kindness from him. What is h.e.l.l but truths known too late? and the surviving one of a married pair has to the end of life, if duty in matrimony has been neglected, the incessant wish that something were otherwise than it had been. The one regret to avoid is, that when married life is over, over for ever, to the survivor should come the unutterable but saddening thought, that now, in the late autumn of life, when experience can be no longer of any possible value, he or she understands, at last understands, all that the chivalry of holy matrimony implies and claims on both sides, in manly forbearance, in delicate thoughtfulness, in loving courtesy. Too late now!

Over the triple doorways of the cathedral of Milan there are three inscriptions spanning the splendid arches. Over one is carved a beautiful wreath of roses, and underneath is the legend "All that which pleases is only for a moment." Over the other is a sculptured cross, and there are the words, "All that which troubles is but for a moment."

Underneath the great central entrance in the main aisle is the inscription, "That only is which is eternal." Make the most of the happiness of your marriage, and the least of its vexations, for it is a relation that will not last long.

_Respice finem_, the old monks used to say in their meditations on life.

And if we would behave rightly in married life we must "consider the end." Affections are never deepened and refined until the possibility of loss is felt. "Whatsoever thou takest in hand, remember the end, and thou shalt never do amiss." Spare all hard words, omit all slights, for before long there will be a hea.r.s.e standing at your door that will take away the best friend that you have on earth--a good wife. Then the silence will be appalling; the vacancies ghastly. Reminiscences will rush on the heart like a mountain current over which a cloud has burst.

Her jewels, her books, her pictures, her dresses will be put into a trunk and the lid will come down with a heavy thud, as much as to say--"Dead! The morning dead. The night dead. The world dead." Oh! man, if in that hour you think of any unkind word uttered, you will be willing to pay in red coin of blood every drop from your heart, if you could buy it back. Kindly words, sympathizing attentions, watchfulness against wounding the sensitiveness of a wife or husband--it is the omission of these things which is irreparable: irreparable, when we look to the purest enjoyment which might have been our own; irreparable when we consider the compunction which belongs to deeds of love not done.

Carlyle never meant to be unkind to his wife, but in his late years he thought that he had sacrificed her health and happiness in his absorption in his work; that he had been negligent, inconsiderate, and selfish. "For many years after she had left him," writes Mr. Froude, "when he pa.s.sed the spot where she was last seen alive, he would bare his grey head in the wind and rain--his features wrung with unavailing sorrow. 'Oh!' he often said to me, 'if I could but see her for five minutes to a.s.sure her that I had really cared for her throughout all that! But she never knew it, she never knew it!'"

Sorrow, however, may teach us wisdom, and if we study patience in the school of Christ much comfort will from thence be derived. And much hope too. He is the resurrection and the life, and if we believe in Him we believe that there is a Friend in whose arms we ourselves shall fall asleep, and to whose love we may trust for the reunion, sooner or later, of the severed links of sacred human affection.

"And in that perfect Marriage Day All earth's lost love shall live once more; All lack and loss shall pa.s.s away, And all find all not found before; Till all the worlds shall live and glow In that great love's great overflow."

INDEX.

Adam and Eve, their history repeated every day, 61; had no relations-in-law in Paradise, 110.

Advertis.e.m.e.nt, An, 34.

Affection, A genius for, 39; conjugal, largely depends on mutual confidence, 106.

Age, Marriageable, of women, 37; proper for a husband, 48.

A Kempis, Thomas, Wise sentence of, 220.

Alderman, Exclamation of the, 208.

Alleine, Joseph, describes the inconveniences of a wife, 11.

Appearances not to be entirely disregarded nor regarded too much, 126-8.

Arnold, Dr., on dying childless, 148; as a father, 179-80; adapted correction to each particular case, 208; the "almost awful happiness" of his domestic life, 256.

Astor, John Jacob, on the care of property, 35.

Attila, A domestic, 59.

Aurelius, Marcus, on co-operation, 216.

Bacon, Lord, on marriage and celibacy, 14; on abridging expenses, 120; quotes the saying of a wise man, 128.

Baird, Sir David, Anecdote of, 218.

Baxter nursed in prison by his wife, 23.

Beaconsfield, Lord, his opinion about marrying, 10; anecdote of, 23; his description of his wife, 41.

Beauty, Not wise to marry for, 36; health a condition of, 245.

Bells, why are ladies like them? 40; article on, in the _Quarterly Review_, 266.

Belfast papers, The, letter in, 265.

Bismarck, Prince, made by his wife, 23.

Blaikie, Professor, on "How to get rid of trouble," 195.

Boswell, his "matrimonial thought," 82.

Braxfield, Lord, on the benefit of being hanged, 62.

Bridegroom, Dutch courage of, 72; driven to desperation, 83.

Bronte, Charlotte, her last words, 260.

Bunyan shown the pathway to heaven by his wife, 22.

"Buried Alive," a Russian story referred to, 205.