Hobson's Choice: A Lancashire Comedy in Four Acts Part 20

ALBERT. Yes, I'm a lawyer.

HOBSON (_with disgust almost too deep for words_). At your age!

MAGGIE (_going up to door_). Come out, all of you. (_She moves to top end of table_.)

(_There is reluctance inside, then_ VICKEY, ALICE _and_ FRED _enter and stand in a row_, L.)

HOBSON. Alice! Vickey!

MAGGIE. Family gathering. This is Mr. Beenstock, of Beenstock & Co.

FREDDY. How do you do?

HOBSON. What! Here!

(_The situation is plainly beyond his mused brain's capacity_.)

MAGGIE. When you've got a thing to settle, you need all the parties to be present.

HOBSON. But there are so many of them. Where have they all come from?

MAGGIE. My bedroom.

HOBSON. Your--? Maggie, I wish you'd explain before my brain gives way.

MAGGIE. It's quite simple. I got them here because I expected you.

HOBSON. You expected me!

MAGGIE. Yes. You're in trouble.

HOBSON (_shaking his head, then as if finding an outlet, pouncing on_ ALICE). What's it got to do with Alice and Vickey? What are they doing here ? What's happening to the shop? (_Moves_ C.)

ALICE. Tubby Wadlow's looking after it.

HOBSON. And is it Tubby's job to look after the shop?

VICKEY. He'd got no other job. The shop's so slack since Maggie left.

HOBSON (_swelling with rage_). And do you run that shop? Do you give orders there? Do you decide when you can put your hats on and walk out of it?

MAGGIE. They come out because it's my wedding-day, father. It's reason enough, and Will and me 'ull do the same for them. We'll close the shop and welcome on their wedding-days.

HOBSON. Their wedding-days! That's a long time off. It'll be many a year before there's another wedding in this family, I give you my word.

(_Turns to_ MAGGIE.) One daughter defying me is quite enough.

ALBERT. Hadn't we better get to business, sir?

HOBSON (_turning on him_). Young man, don't abuse a n.o.ble word. You're a lawyer. By your own admission you're a lawyer. Honest men live by business and lawyers live by law.

ALBERT. In this matter, sir, I am following the instructions of my client, Mr. Beenstock, and the remark you have just let fall, before witnesses, appears to me to bear a libellous reflection on the action of my client.

HOBSON. What! So it's libel now. Isn't trespa.s.s and... and spying on trade secrets enough for you, you blood-sucking--(_To_ ALBERT.)

ALBERT. One moment, Mr. Hobson. You can call me what you like--

HOBSON. And I shall. You--

ALBERT. But I wish to remind you, in your own interests, that abuse of a lawyer is remembered in the costs. Now, my client tells me he is prepared to settle this matter out of court. Personally, I don't advise him to, because we should probably get higher damages in court. But Mr.

Beenstock has no desire to be vindictive. He remembers your position, your reputation for respectability, and--

HOBSON. How much?

ALBERT. Er--I beg your pardon?

HOBSON. I'm not so fond of the sound of your voice as you are. What's the figure?

ALBERT. The sum we propose, which will include my ordinary costs, but not any additional costs incurred by your use of defamatory language to me, is one thousand pounds.

HOBSON. What!

MAGGIE. It isn't.

HOBSON. One thousand pounds for tumbling down a cellar! Why, I might have broken my leg. (_Moves away to_ R.)

ALBERT. That is in the nature of an admission, Mr. Hobson. Our flour bags saved your legs from fracture and I am therefore inclined to add to the sum I have stated a reasonable estimate of the doctor's bill we have saved you by protecting your legs with our bags. (_Turns towards_ FREDDY.)

(HOBSON _sits_ R.)

MAGGIE. Eh, Albert Prosser, I can see you're going to get on in the world, but you needn't be greedy here. That one thousand's too much.

(_Comes_ C.)

ALBERT. We thought--

MAGGIE. Then you can think again.

FREDDY. But--

MAGGIE. If there are any more signs of greediness from you two, there'll be a counter-action for personal damages due to your criminal carelessness in leaving your cellar flap open.

HOBSON. (_rising_). Maggie, you've saved me. I'll bring that action.

I'll show them up.

MAGGIE. You're not damaged, and one lawyer's quite enough. But he'll be more reasonable now. I know perfectly well what father can afford to pay, and it's not a thousand pounds nor anything like a thousand pounds.

HOBSON. Not so much of your can't afford, Maggie. You'll make me out a pauper.

MAGGIE (_turns to HOBSON_). You can afford 500 pounds and you're going to pay 500 pounds.