Harper's Round Table, July 2, 1895 Part 8

QUEEN OF HEARTS (_to QUEEN OF CLUBS_). Greeting to you, and pray take seat beside our cousin of Diamonds.

[_At the entrance of the KING and QUEEN OF CLUBS, the KING and QUEEN OF HEARTS arise, as before. The KING OF CLUBS bows to the KING OF HEARTS, and kisses the hand of the QUEEN OF HEARTS. The QUEEN OF CLUBS courtesies. She then sits down in an arm-chair next to the QUEEN OF DIAMONDS, the KING OF CLUBS stands behind her, and the KNAVE OF CLUBS takes his place on the bench._]

QUEEN OF HEARTS. It is indeed a pleasure to have you here again. 'Tis now many a long day since I have seen you.

QUEEN OF CLUBS (_fanning herself, and affecting an air of great weariness_). Ah, dear lady of Hearts, you cannot conceive of my perplexities. What with tournaments and levees and audiences at large, the days do slip so swiftly by, giving me no pause for rest or recovery, that I do find myself ending the week ere I realize it to have begun.

JOKER. Yet time, fair Queen, seems to have touched your comely brow with a light finger. The winged hours fly swiftly past you, but yourself dwell at the one sweet station of constant youthfulness.

QUEEN OF CLUBS (_haughtily_). So graceful a speech, Sir JOKER, were worthy of a knight rather than of a fool.

JOKER. It is for the listener to detect when the fool speaks foolishly.

For he himself is too great a fool to judge of the burden of his speech.

QUEEN OF DIAMONDS (_superciliously, to QUEEN OF CLUBS_). Methinks his words have a double edge.

JOKER (_to QUEEN OF DIAMONDS_). You wrong me, good lady, for he that playeth with edged tools is most apt to cut himself.

[_Enter, L., KNAVE OF SPADES, who announces,_]

KNAVE OF SPADES. Their Majesties the King and Queen of Spades.

[_Music. Enter, L., in great haste, the KING and QUEEN OF SPADES._]

KING OF SPADES (_breathlessly_). Ah, I so greatly feared, my lord--

KING OF HEARTS. A hand to thee, cousin of Spades, a hand to thee, and welcome.

QUEEN OF HEARTS. And a fair day to you, good dame of Spades.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "WE DID HASTEN BEYOND ALL REASON!"]

QUEEN OF SPADES (_panting_). Sweet cousin, we did so greatly fear to be behindhand that we did hasten beyond all reason. I am quite forlorn of breath.

QUEEN OF HEARTS. Seat you, seat you, good lady.

[_The KING and QUEEN OF SPADES are very much out of breath, and very warm. The KING and QUEEN OF HEARTS arise in their entrance to greet them, but the KING and QUEEN OF SPADES are so overcome with excitement that they forget the conventionalities, and the QUEEN OF SPADES flops into the third arm-chair without making any courtesy. The KING OF SPADES takes his stand behind her, wiping his brow vigorously with his handkerchief, then suddenly remembers he has omitted to kiss the hand of his hostess. He hastens across the stage falling as he goes, and makes up for the omission. The KNAVE OF SPADES sits on the bench._]

QUEEN OF HEARTS. There, now, rest you easily, for there is small haste for the feast.

KING OF SPADES (_still mopping his face and puffing_). I am much relieved that we were not late on the banquet, King of Hearts. The banquet should have waited on you, cousin.

KING OF SPADES (_pacing about the stage, nervously fanning himself; occasionally he stumbles and falls_). Ay, but I might not so well have waited on the banquet.

QUEEN OF SPADES. True, he hungers mightily.

[_Fans herself vigorously with her handkerchief._]

QUEEN OF HEARTS (_to JOKER_). Sir Joker, the Queen of Spades suffereth of her exertions. I beg of you seek a fan.

[_JOKER bows, and exit R._]

QUEEN OF CLUBS (_aside to QUEEN OF DIAMONDS_). I marvel at the rapacity of some folk.

QUEEN OF DIAMONDS. Verily one might think that there lacked meat and cooks and scullions in the land of Spades.

QUEEN OF CLUBS. Nay, but I dare say they be short two scullions at the present hour. [_They laugh._]

QUEEN OF HEARTS (_to QUEEN OF DIAMONDS_). What say you?

QUEEN OF CLUBS. I was saying that if haste might always so trim our cheeks with color as that which now blooms upon the fair face of our cousin of Spades, it were worth the discomfort of so great an energy.

[_Enter JOKER, R. He presents fan to QUEEN OF SPADES, who fans herself boisterously._]

JOKER. Would I were a fan, that even my whispers might be of such grateful reception to a lady's ear!

QUEEN OF SPADES. Not my ear, Sir Joker, not my ear. It is my nose that reddens from my efforts.

KING OF SPADES (_wiping his brow and neck with his handkerchief_). And as to me, it is my neck. 'Tis the pity of being stout.

JOKER. The neck, Sir King? Aha, but I warrant that even if it be moist without, it is dry within.

KING OF SPADES (_with asperity_). Ay, marry, fool; but not so dry as thy wit.

KING OF HEARTS. Come, come, cousin, heed him not. (_The JOKER moves over to the throne of the QUEEN OF HEARTS, and enters into earnest conversation with her._) It pleases me to hear you say you bring a good appet.i.te to the feast.

KING OF SPADES. Verily I feel as though I were one vast incarnation of appet.i.te.

KING OF HEARTS. All the more honor will you do us, and we shall ever recall this Fourth of July as one that pleased you. And the good lady of Spades, has she too--

QUEEN OF HEARTS (_screams_). Ah, me! Ah, lackaday, lackaday! [_Faints._]

KING OF HEARTS. What is this? What is this? The Queen faints! A cup! a cup!

QUEEN OF DIAMONDS, QUEEN OF CLUBS, QUEEN OF SPADES (_rising and rushing to the QUEEN OF HEARTS' seat. They pat her hands and fan her_). Yes, a cup, a cup!

[_The three KNAVES rush out, R., tumbling over one another and shouting "Water, water!" The KNAVES return, one at a time, bearing gla.s.ses of water, but they are met each time by the KING OF SPADES, who takes the gla.s.s, goes half-way to the QUEEN OF HEARTS, and then, in his excitement, drinks the water himself. This "business" can be carried on while the ensuing dialogue is being spoken._]

QUEEN OF HEARTS (_recovering herself_). Nay, nay, trouble not. I am myself again. It was merely the Joker.

[_The three QUEENS resume their seats._]

KING OF HEARTS (_angrily_). The Joker?

QUEEN OF HEARTS. Ay, he spake in my ear, and said--

KING OF HEARTS (_threatening the JOKER_). What, Sir Joker! Hast thou dared to frighten or disturb the Queen?