Harper's Round Table, July 2, 1895 Part 7

[_Threatens them with his rattle._]

THE FOUR KNAVES. Oh, but that is a fierce threat!

[_They nod their heads to one another in mock seriousness, and point at the JOKER with the big fire-crackers._]

JOKER. And now, Spades--?

KNAVE OF SPADES. Ay, Sir Joker, to-night the King and Queen of Hearts do hold a sumptuous feast, and afterward there are to be fireworks galore.

To the banquet have been invited the King and Queen of Spades, the King and Queen of Diamonds, and the King and Queen of Clubs.

JOKER. A right royal company, Spades.

KNAVE OF SPADES. Indeed right royal. And the feast too shall be right royal. My liege the King of Spades brings with him his fiddlers three.

JOKER. So, so! Ha, ha! [_Sings._]

"Old King Kole Was a merry old soul.

A merry old soul was he; He called for his pipe, He called for his bowl, And he called for his fiddlers three."

KNAVE OF HEARTS. Nay, but methinks the Joker hath his rhyming mood to-day. Sit thee down, Diamonds, and be a comfortable listener.

[_The Knave of Diamonds sits down on the bench beside the Knave of Hearts._]

JOKER. It is meet that I should have my rhyming mood to-day; for at the feast will there not be mirth and rhyme and wit?

KNAVE OF HEARTS. Ay, mirth and doggerel, Joker; but what wit there may be thou'lt not answer for 't.

JOKER (_rising and shaking his fist_). I can answer for thee, though, thou churl!

KNAVE OF HEARTS [_bowing_]. Gramercy, but I can answer for myself.

JOKER. And 'twill not be the first time. Methinks, as a thief thou hast already been called upon to answer once. (_Sits down again._) And now, Spades, I beg of thee, proceed.

KNAVE OF SPADES. There is little more to tell, Sir Joker, save that the Queen of Hearts herself did fashion these huge fire crackers--eight of them, that there should be one for a salute to each guest. We bear them now to the banquet hall.

KNAVE OF DIAMONDS. Ay, and the quicker we go hence the wiser; for time moves on apace, and the guests will soon be here.

JOKER (_rising from his stool and making a mock obeisance_). My grat.i.tude, gentle Knaves, for your varied courtesies. (_The KNAVES bow and exeunt, R., in single file. JOKER puts his stool back in its place, beside the throne._) Of two misfortunes, rather let me suffer that of being a fool than a knave. The one knows nothing of the evil he does; the other knows nothing of the evil he does not do. And methinks whether of evil or of good those Knaves know but little of what they now perform. They bear those explosive bombs to the banquet hall? Surely they err. But of my affair it is none, and so I shall sagely hold my peace upon it, and--tap my wit! For here come the King and Queen.

[_Music. Enter the KING and QUEEN OF HEARTS, L., the JOKER bowing and dancing before them as they come. They take their seats upon the thrones._]

KING OF HEARTS. Well, Sir Joker, what was this riot that I lately heard?

What this odor of powder and saltpetre?

JOKER. The Knaves, my lord, the Knaves, the sorry Knaves. They did but even pa.s.s this way toward the banquet hall, bearing fireworks. (_Sits down in one of the arm-chairs, and juggles with his rattle._) They did by mischance set off several of the pieces, and wellnigh scared me of the possession of my wits.

KING OF HEARTS (_laughing_). Yet thou hast thy fool's cap still well on, I hope?

JOKER. That I have, sire. So well on that even should you wish to borrow it, you could not get it off.

KING OF HEARTS. Thou needst have no fear that I shall care to deprive thee of that honor.

JOKER. Nay, but Kings have played the fool before.

KING OF HEARTS. True. And thou mayst well add--many a fool has played the King.

JOKER. But do not accuse me, sire. I never played you. I do but play upon you.

KING OF HEARTS. Thou playest upon me?

JOKER. Only to hear your sweet notes, my liege.

QUEEN OF HEARTS. Thou hast a well-turned speech to-day, Joker.

JOKER. Well turned, my Queen? Yet not so well turned as those giant fire-crackers which you have fashioned for the feast. Those indeed are royal bombs!

QUEEN OF HEARTS. Bombs? They are indeed harmless. There is nothing in them, but I warned the Knaves to handle them carefully, saying they might unexpectedly explode. [_Laughs._]

JOKER. And so, if they exploded, 'twould in truth be unexpected!

[_As the JOKER finishes his speech, enter KNAVE OF DIAMONDS, L. He holds the portieres up and announces in loud and formal tones._]

[Ill.u.s.tration: ARRIVAL OF THE ROYAL GUESTS.]

KNAVE OF DIAMONDS. Their Majesties the King and Queen of Diamonds.

[_Music. Enter the KING and QUEEN OF DIAMONDS, L._]

KING OF HEARTS. Welcome, my cousin of Diamonds. Welcome this glorious July day.

QUEEN OF HEARTS. Welcome, fair lady. "First come, best loved," is the saying, you know--and ye are the first come. Pray be seated.

[_At the entrance of the KING and QUEEN OF DIAMONDS the KING and QUEEN OF HEARTS rise to greet them. The KING OF DIAMONDS bows to the KING OF HEARTS and kisses the hand of the QUEEN OF HEARTS. The QUEEN OF DIAMONDS courtesies. She then sits down in an arm-chair, R., and the KING OF DIAMONDS takes his stand behind her. The KNAVE OF DIAMONDS drops the portiere and sits on the bench._]

JOKER (_to QUEEN OF DIAMONDS_). Even the sun, fair lady--which is said by the poets to shine brightest this fair month of July--even the sun fails to outsparkle your priceless precious stones.

QUEEN OF DIAMONDS. Ah, you have a pretty wit, Sir Joker. But are they not truly the most brilliant of jewels?

JOKER. The most brilliant of jewels, yes; but they pale before their wearer's beauty.

[_Takes his seat on the stool near the throne._]

[_Enter, L., KNAVE OF CLUBS, who announces,_]

KNAVE OF CLUBS. Their Majesties the KING and QUEEN OF CLUBS.

[_Music. Enter the KING and QUEEN OF CLUBS, L._]

KING OF HEARTS. Welcome, welcome, good Clubs. My best wishes, fair lady, my best wishes!