Happy Hawkins Part 31

"Well, I never expected you to know anything about such things!" sez Bill.

"'Tis wonderful how intelligent some trained animals are, ain't it?"

sez I, sarcastic. "But you must remember, little one, that I've been livin' right in the house with folks a good part of my life. Now if you'll just answer my questions the same as if I was human, I'll sit up an' beg, jump over a stick, an' do all my other tricks for you."

Bill would allus tumble if you hit him hard enough, so after a bit he grinned an' said, "Well, Clarenden Castle is one o' the seats of the Cleighton family--"

"Seat?" sez I. "I allus thought it was a house."

"You see, over in England they call--" Bill began to explain it to me an' then he saw me grinnin' an' he broke off short. "I know what a seat is, Bill," sez I. "They have country seats an' town seats; but some o'

you fellers pout when you're obliged to live up to the rules, an' I wanted to see if you was square enough to own up after you'd been shown--the's lots o' fellers, not as well edicated as you, who can't do it without groanin'."

Bill studied out this last remark before he answered, an' I was glad to notice it. Most fellers look for a marked pa.s.sage, but I like to train 'em out to pan everything I say, an' then do their own testin'. Bill was all right. "Now, dear teacher," sez he, "if we are through with that lesson, we shall return to the original subject." We both laughed, lookin' into each other's eyes, an' it did us good.

"Now this Cleighton family is a great family in England and Scotland,"

sez Bill, "The Earl of Clarenden is the head of one branch an' the Duke of Avondale is the head of another. The sons are called lords, an' they have lots of land, but are running shy on money, an' the main stem of the family is getting purty well thinned out."

"About this younger son that came to America, now?" sez I.

"Well, the present Earl married beneath him--I visited close to Clarenden Castle, an' I know all about it," sez Bill. "He married an American girl with lots of money, Florence Jamison of Philadelphia."

"Jamison?" sez I.

"Yes, Jamison," sez Bill. "I suppose you are well acquainted with the Philadelphia Jamisons?"

"Well, that name does awaken a purty tol'able fairsized echo," sez I, "but still, to be perfectly frank with you, me an' the Jamisons ain't on what you could call intimate terms any more."

"I'm glad to learn it," sez Bill. "I'd hate to think that I had irritated you by implicatin' that it was a come-down for an English Earl to marry into your circle." Bill most generally squoze all the dampness out of his jokes. "This was his second marriage," Bill went on, "an' he had one son by it, named James Arthur Fitzhugh Patrick--"

"That's plenty for me," sez I, breakin' in. "The first two names is interestin' to me, but the' ain't no use loadin' down a feller with names till he has to pay excess baggage on 'em. Now, how did this one get to be a younger son?"

"Why, the first marriage of the Earl also resulted in a son," sez Bill.

"His first wife was a lady of quality, but she had a weak const.i.tution an' the son has epolepsy. The younger son was fitted for the army, but he got into a sc.r.a.pe, was given a lump sum by his father, an' came to this country, where he disappeared. He also had an inheritance from an aunt, a maiden sister of his mother, who didn't like the first son for a minute."

"What kind of a sc.r.a.pe did the youngster get into, Bill?" sez I.

"He was engaged to the daughter of the curat at Avondale Chapel," sez Bill, "an' he bein' the heir presumptive to the t.i.tle--"

"What is that, Bill?" sez I.

"The one what gets the t.i.tle as soon as the one who is holding it, dies, is the heir apparent, an' the one who gets the next chance is the heir presumptive. It's a legal term an'--"

"Never mind explainin' it then," sez I, "If I was to live as long as Methusleh, all I'd know about law would be that ignorance wasn't no excuse for it; but what is a curat?"

"A curate is a sort of preacher," sez Bill.

"I thought it was some kind of a doctor. But what in thunder did you mean when you said that gettin' engaged to the daughter of one was a sc.r.a.pe?" sez I.

"Why, it wouldn't do for the heir presumptive to Clarenden, and a possible claimant to Avondale, to get engaged to a person in that station of life; he had to make up either to a heap of money or else a big t.i.tle; he simply had to marry a lady of quality," sez Bill.

"So he could contribute his share of epolepsy to the family collection, I suppose," sez I.

"Well, James gets an awful callin' down," sez Bill, "an' he cuts loose from the family an' goes to live in London, where he's a leftenant.

Richard Cleighton, his cousin, who is the heir presumptive, once removed, sneaks down there an' comes back with the report that James is married to Alice LeMoyne, a music-hall dancer."

"Jim swung purty wide in his taste for women, didn't he?" sez I.

"The upshot of it was," sez Bill, never heedin' me, "that they settled with James, an' he lit out--his mother had died several years before.

About four years after, this Alice LeMoyne dies, an' on her deathbed she confesses that she is the wife of Richard Cleighton an' helped to put up the job on James to get him out of the way, as the heir apparent didn't look like a long-liver, an' she thought she would like to be an Erless, with a chance of being a d.u.c.h.ess even."

"An' you mean to tell me that this low-grade d.i.c.k Cleighton puts up that job on Jim, just so he can beat him to the t.i.tle?" sez I.

"Yes," sez Bill, "you see he was the heir presumptive, only once removed."

"Well, if I'd had the job o' removin'," sez I, "once, would 'a' been plenty."

"That put Richard out o' the runnin'," sez Bill, "Lord Wilfred, the apparent, was livin' along all right, an' the old Earl had come to the conclusion that when it came to a presumptive, he'd sooner have Jim; so he turned the hose on d.i.c.k, an' started out to find Jim. Jim wrote 'em from New York that he was goin' to South Africa, an' then he wrote 'em from Australia that he was goin' to India, an' then he wrote 'em from--"

"Oh, those was only jokes," sez I. "Jim's all right; but what become of d.i.c.k?"

"n.o.body knows," sez Bill, "an' n.o.body cares. He's got lots better health than Lord Wilfred, but he's got some epolepsy, too, an' he's a mean sneak. His mother was insane, but she left him a little bunch of money."

"She must have had more quality than the average of 'em;" sez I, "but hanged if I wouldn't sooner do without the quality than to have all that epolepsy thrown in with it. Jim's all right though, I'll say that for the breed."

"Yes, Jim was a fine feller from all accounts," sez Bill, "but where the Jink did you meet up with him?"

"It's a state secret," sez I, "or I'd let you in. Jim's doin' fine an'

I wouldn't for the world have him dragged down where he'd have to marry up with a lot o' quality. Now while you're givin' your concert, I'm goin' out an' check up the stars."

I was purty yell pleased with Bill. I had bothered him all I could in the tellin' an' yet he had kept his temper an' handed out the facts; an' I wanted to go over 'em forward an' hack till I could get the full hang of 'em. It was wonderful queer how a ridin' man like me had brushed shoulders, as you might say, with the Earl of Clarenden, an' I was beginnin' to think that old Mrs. Fate was stirrin' things up a shade extra. As a usual thing I don't go into scandal an' gossip so prodigious; but I was hungry to have another look at Jim, now that I knew he was the son of an Earl, an' I decided to pull out an' give the Pan Handle a look-over as soon as it was handy. I spent about two hours that night lookin' at the stars an' wishin' they could tell me all they'd ever seen. They knew all that Barbie wanted to know, an' I didn't seem able to git on the track, in spite of me readin' detective stories every chance I had.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

CUPID

Well, I didn't go down to the Pan Handle after all. I just fatten on a new variety of entertainment an' the sample that Bill was puttin' out amused me to the limit. Me an' Bill drove down to Danders on the first o' May to get some grub. Most o' this breed has a purty tol'able active thirst, but Bill was unusual harmless when it came to storin' away liquor. About the only excitement Danders held out to a temperance crank was goin' down to the depot to watch the train come in. This time the west-bound had to take a sidin' and wait twenty minutes for the cast bound; an' a feller got his dog out o' the baggage car an' started to climb the mountains.

You fellers all know how this air is, but a stranger thinks he can spit on a mountain that's ten miles off. When the whistle blew, he made a good run an' got on all right; but the pup was havin' the time of his life an' missed his chance of gettin' on the same car that the feller did. He was game all right an' give a purty jump onto the front platform of the last car, where a big buck n.i.g.g.e.r was standin' with a white coat on. He give the pup a kick under the chin an' sent him rollin' over backward.

"Why, the vile wretch!" yells Bill, at the same time s.n.a.t.c.hin' my gun out of the holster. I had barely time to b.u.mp up his arm, an' even as it was he knocked the paint off right above the c.o.o.n's head. Bill turned on me with his eyes snappin' sparks, an' in a voice as cold as the click of a Winchester, he sez, "Next time, John Hawkins, I'll thank you to mind your own business." An' he held the gun kind o' friendly like, with the muzzle pointin' at my watch pocket.

I own up I was jarred; he'd been as gentle as a b.u.t.terfly up to that minute, an' here he was lookin' into me with the chilly eyes of a killin' man; but I put a little edge on my own voice an' sez, "Heretofore, I allus counted it my business to look after what my own gun was engaged in doin'. When you're sure that you're all through with it, I'll thank you to return it to where you found it."

Then I turned on my heel an' strode up toward town; but he grabbed me by the shoulder an' whirled me around. "Here's your gun, Happy." sez he. "You know I didn't aim to offend you. It was that confounded Zulu 'at riled me up."