Good Stories Reprinted from the Ladies' Home Journal of Philadelphia Part 7

she demanded.

"Why, madam," returned the policeman, "do you want to go to Brooklyn?"

"No, I don't want to" the woman replied, "but I have to."

_Mr. Beecher's Prescription_

A country clergyman once called on Mr. Beecher and asked his advice about what to do with persons who go to sleep in church.

"Well," said Mr. Beecher, "I'll tell you what I do. When I first came to Plymouth Church I gave the s.e.xton strict orders that if he saw any person asleep in my congregation he should go straight to the pulpit and wake up the minister."

_A Recipe for a Bridal Couple_

It was on a train going through Indiana. Among the pa.s.sengers was a newly-married couple, who made themselves known Co such an extent that the occupants of the car commenced pa.s.sing sarcastic remarks about them. The bride and groom stood the remarks for some time, but finally the latter, who was a man of tremendous size, broke out in the following language at his tormentors: "Yes, we're married--just married. We are going one hundred and sixty miles farther, and I am going to 'spoon' all the way. If you don't like it you can get out and walk. She's my violet and I'm her sheltering oak."

During the remainder of the journey they were left in peace.

_Both of the Same Kind_

A lady stepped from the Limited Express at a side station, on a special stop order. To the only man in sight she asked:

"When is the train for Madison due here, please?"

"The train went an hour ago, ma'am: the next one is to-morrow at eight o'clock."

The lady in perplexity then asked:

"Where is the nearest hotel?"

"There is no hotel here at all," replied the man.

"But what shall I do?" asked the lady. "Where shall I spend the night?"

"I guess you'll have to stay all night with the station agent," was the reply.

"Sir!" flashed up the lady, "I'd have you know I'm a lady."

"Well," said the man as he strode off, "so is the station agent."

"_Follow the Leader_"

A young curate was asked to take a Sunday-school cla.s.s of girls of eighteen or nineteen years each, which had formerly been taught by a lady. The young clergyman consented, but insisted upon being properly introduced to the cla.s.s. The superintendent accordingly took him to the cla.s.s for this purpose and said:

"Young ladies, I introduce to you Mr. Chase, who will in future be your teacher. I would like you to tell him what your former teacher did each Sunday so that he can go on in the same way. What did she always do first?"

And then a miss of sixteen said: "Kiss us."

_Very Easily Explained_

A neighbor whose place adjoined Bronson Alcott's had a vegetable garden in which he took a great interest. Mr. Alcott had one also, and both men were especially interested in their potato patches. One morning, meeting by the fence, the neighbor said, "How is it, Mr.

Alcott, you are never troubled with bugs, while my vines are crowded with them?"

"My friend, that is very easily explained," replied Mr. Alcott. "I rise very early in the morning, gather all the bugs from my vines and throw them into your yard."

_Proved His Teacher Wrong_

Little Willie's father found his youthful son holding up one of his rabbits by the ears and saying to him: "How much is seven times seven, now?"

"Bah," the father heard the boy say, "I knew you couldn't. Here's another one. Six times six is how much?"

"Why, Willie, what in the world are you doing with your rabbit?" asked the father.

Willie threw the rabbit down with disgust. "I knew our teacher was lying to us," was all he said.

"Why, how?" asked his father.

"Why, she told us this morning that rabbits were the greatest multipliers in the world."

At the Department Store

A man with a low voice had just completed his purchases in the department store, says the "Brooklyn Eagle."

"What is the name?" asked the clerk.

"Jepson," replied the man.

"Chipson?"

"No, Jepson."

"Oh, yes, Jefferson."

"No, Jepson; J-e-p-s-o-n."

"Jepson?"