Good Stories Reprinted from the Ladies' Home Journal of Philadelphia Part 4

"Very well, indade, barring the twelfth of July, when my husband goes out with the Orange procession and comes home feelin' extry pathriotic."

"What then?"

"Well, he always takes the Pope down and jumps on him and then goes straight to bed. The next morning I get up early, before he is awake, and take down King William and p.a.w.n him and buy a new Pope with the money. Then I give the old man the ticket to get King William out."

_Too Much of a Good Thing_

"I've got the very thing you want," said the stableman to a ruralist in search of a horse; "a thorough-going road horse. Five years old, sound as a quail, $175 cash down, and he goes ten miles without stopping."

The purchaser threw his hands skyward.

"Not for me," he said, "not for me. I wouldn't gif you five cents for him. I live eight miles out in de country, und I'd haf to walk back two miles."

_Had Missed It_

"What are you crying for, my poor little boy?" said a man to a crying boy.

"Pa fell downstairs."

"Don't take on so, my boy. He'll get better soon."

"That isn't it. Sister saw him fall--all the way. I never saw nuffen."

_Denied the Only Shade_

It was a broiling hot day in the park, and those walking therein were well-nigh exhausted, when a very stout old lady came bustling along one of the paths, closely followed by a rough-looking tramp.

Twice she commanded him to leave her, but Still he followed just behind.

At last the old lady, quite disgusted, turned angrily around and said:

"Look here, my man, if you don't go away I shall call a policeman."

The poor fellow looked up at her with a tear in his eye, and then remarked:

"For goodness' sake, mum, have mercy and don't call a policeman, for ye're the on'y shady spot in the park."

_Wanted to Make Her Happy_

In one of the many hospitals in the South a bright, busy-looking and duty-loving woman hustled up to one of the wounded soldiers who lay gazing at the ceiling above his cot. "Can't I do something for you, my poor fellow?" said the woman imploringly. The "poor fellow" looked up languidly. The only things he really wanted just at that time were his discharge and a box of cigars. When he saw the strained and anxious look on the good woman's face, however, he felt sorry for her, and with perfect sang froid he replied: "Why, yes; you can wash my face if you want to."

"I'd be only too glad to," gasped the visitor eagerly.

"All right," said the cavalier gallantly, "go ahead. It's been washed twenty-one times already to-day, but I don't mind going through it again if it'll make you any happier."

_Easy Enough_

A noted mathematician, considered by many a wonder, stopped at a hotel in a small town in Missouri. As usual, in such places, there were a number of drummers on hand; there was also a meeting of some medical men at the place, who used the hotel as headquarters. One of the doctors thought it would be quite a joke to tell the mathematician that some of the M.D.'s had concluded to kidnap him and take out his brains to learn how it was he was so good in mathematics. He was then asked by them what he was going to do about it. He replied: "Why, I shall simply go on without brains just as you doctors are doing."

_Not a Complaint at All_

The good priest had come to his parishioner after the funeral of the latter's mother-in-law to express condolences.

"And what complaint was it, Pat," he asked sympathetically, "that carried the old lady off?"

"k.u.mplaint, did yi ask, father?" answered Pat. "Thir wuz no k.u.mplaint from anybody. Everybody wuz satisfied."

_He Caught It, But_----

The ferry-dock was crowded with weary homegoers when through the crowd rushed a man--hot, excited, laden to the chin with bundles of every shape and size. He sprinted down the pier, his eyes fixed on a ferryboat only two or three feet out from the pier. He paused but an instant on the string-piece, and then, cheered on by the amused crowd, he made a flying leap across the intervening stretch of water and landed safely on the deck. A fat man happened to be standing on the exact spot on which he struck, and they both went down with a resounding crash. When the arriving man had somewhat recovered his breath he apologized to the fat man. "I hope I didn't hurt you," he said. "I am sorry. But, anyway, I caught the boat!"

"But, you idiot," said the fat man, "the boat was coming in!"

_He Didn't Mind_

A certain railway in Michigan has a station ent.i.tled Sawyer's Mills, but usually ent.i.tled, for short, Sawyer's.

A rural couple on one of the trains attracted much attention by their evident fondness for each other until the brakeman thrust his head in the doorway of the car and called out, "Sawyer! Sawyer!"

"Reuben" suddenly a.s.sumed the perpendicular and indignantly exclaimed, "Well, I don't care if you did; we've been engaged three weeks."

_He Announced His Intentions_

Young man and his lady-love attended a protracted meeting which was being held in the village church. Arriving late they found the church filled, but a gentleman arose and gave the lady his seat, while the young man was ushered far away to a seat in another part of the building.

The service grew warm and impressive.

"Will those who want our prayers please stand up?" said the preacher.

At this juncture the young man thought it was getting late and he would get his sweetheart and go home, but not just knowing where she sat he rose to his feet and looked over the audience.