Good Stories Reprinted from the Ladies' Home Journal of Philadelphia Part 22

"No, not straight back," was the reply. "I want a straight front."

_His Last Request_

JUDGE (to prisoner just condemned to death): "You have the legal right to express a last wish, and if it is possible it will be granted,"

PRISONER (a barber): "I should like just once more to be allowed to shave the District Attorney."

_Why He Really Wanted to Go_

"Would you mind if I went into the smoking-car, dear?" asked the bridegroom in a tender voice.

"What! to smoke, sweetheart?" questioned the bride.

"Oh, dear, no," replied the young husband; "I want to experience the agony of being away from you, so that the joy of my return will be all the more intensified."

_No End to This Game for Two_

Said He: "It is sweeter to give than receive.

Of a whipping this doubtless is true, But of kissing I cannot believe It holds good, till I've tried it. Can you?"

Said She; "I don't know; let's each give and receive, And so come to proof of the prop.

Now you give, and I'll take, and we'll leave The one to decide who cries 'Stop!'"

_And This in Boston_!

A man who has just returned from Boston is "chortling" over a good joke on that correct and literary city. He says that in the reading-room of one of the most exclusive clubs in the Hub there is a sign that reads:

ONLY LOW CONVERSATION PERMITTED HERE

_Man Wants but Little, etc_.

"Please, mum," said a tramp, "would you be so kind as to let me have a needle and thread?"

"Well, y-e-s," said the housewife at the door, "I can let you have that."

"Thankee, mum. Now, you'd oblige me very much if you'd let me have a bit of cloth for a patch."

"Yes, here is some."

"Thankee very much, mum. It's a little different color from my suit, I see. Perhaps, mum, you could spare me some of your husband's old clothes that this patch will match."

"Well, I declare! You're clever, my man, and I'll give you an old suit. Here is one."

"Thankee greatly, mum. I see it's a little large, mum, but if you'll kindly furnish me with a square meal, mebby I can fill it out."

_It Certainly Tickled Them_

An amateur artist contributed a painting to the academy for the first time. With natural curiosity he said to the carrier, "Did you see my picture safely delivered?"

"Indeed I did," replied the man, "and mighty pleased they seemed to be with it--leastways, if I may jedge, sir. They didn't say nothin', but, Lor'! how they did laugh when they got a light on it!"

_Cured Without Medicine_

A clergyman has had in his employ for so long a time a colored man named Julian that the latter has come to regard himself as something of a confidential adviser to the divine.

Early one Sunday morning the pastor awoke feeling decidedly ill.

After a futile attempt at breakfast, he summoned his old and faithful servitor, saying:

"Julian, I want you to go to my a.s.sistant, and tell him that, as I am unwell, he will officiate for me in this morning's service."

At this Julian demurred, and, after some argument, persuaded his master that he would feel better if he officiated as usual. This the latter did, and, as predicted by the servant, he did return home feeling much better.

"Youse better, sah ?" asked the man, meeting his master at the door.

"Very much better, thank you, Julian."

The servant grinned. "What did I tell you, sah? I knowed you'd be all right jest as soon as you got that sermon outer your system."

_Enthusiasm Squelched_

An enthusiastic citizen, about to visit Europe, was rejoicing over the fact and the pleasures to come.

"How delightful it will be," he said to his wife, "to tread the bounding billow and inhale the invigorating oxygen of the sea, the sea, the boundless sea! I long to see it! To breathe in great drafts of life-giving air. I shall want to stand every moment on the prow of the steamer with my mouth open----"

"You probably will, dear," interrupted his wife encouragingly.

"That's the way all the ocean travelers do."

_Definitive_

The schoolmaster was trying to explain the meaning of the word "conceited," which had occurred in the course of the reading lesson.