Good Stories Reprinted from the Ladies' Home Journal of Philadelphia Part 13

"Now," said the doctor, "what can I do for you ?"

"I just called," replied the man, "to collect that tailoring bill which you owe us."

_Anxious About Him_

One winter's day a very bowlegged tramp called at a home in Ontario and stood to warm himself by the kitchen stove. A little boy in the home surveyed him carefully for some minutes, then finally approaching him, he said: "Say, mister, you better stand back; you're warping!"

_The Only Way He Could Help_

Chief Justice Matthews, while presiding over the Supreme Court at Washington, took the several Justices of the Court for a run down Chesapeake Bay. A stiff wind sprang up, and Justice Gray was getting decidedly the worst of it. As he leaned over the rail in great distress, Chief Justice Matthews touched him on the shoulder and said in a tone of deepest sympathy: "Is there anything I can do for you, Gray?"

"No, thank you," returned the sick Justice, "unless your Honor can overrule this motion."

_He Was Willing to Oblige_

A young North Carolina girl is charming, but, like a great many other charming people, she is poor. She never has more than two evening gowns in a season, and the ruin of one of them is always a very serious matter to her. She went to a little dancing-party last week and she wore a brand-new white frock. During the evening a great big, red-faced, perspiring man came up and asked her to dance. He wore no gloves. She looked at his well-meaning but moist hands despairingly, and thought of the immaculate back of her waist. She hesitated a bit, and then she said, with a winning smile;

"Of course I'll dance with you, but, if you don't mind, won't you please use your handkerchief?"

The man looked at her blankly a moment or two. Then a light broke over his face.

"Why, certainly," he said.

And he pulled out his handkerchief and blew his nose.

_Not All the Time, But_----

A man saw a waiter in a restaurant spill a tureen of tomato soup over a young lady's white gown.

The young lady, instead of flying into a pa.s.sion, smiled. She said it didn't matter. She continued to eat and to talk as though nothing had happened.

This so impressed the man that he got an introduction to the young lady, proposed to her at the end of a month or so, and was accepted.

Some time after the marriage he spoke of the tomato-soup accident.

"I shall never forget it," said the bride.

"Your conduct," said the man, "was admirable."

"I remember," she said, "that I did behave very well at the time; but I wish you could have seen the marks of my teeth on the bedpost that night."

_Necessity and Invention_

A mother with her seven children started away on a journey. After entering the car the largest child was laid out flat on the seat, and the remaining six then sat upon him in a row.

When the conductor came around to collect the fares the mother counted her money, handed it over, smiled, and suavely said: "Sir, the oldest is under six."

_Taking No Chances_

An epileptic dropped in a fit on the streets of Boston not long ago, and was taken to a hospital. Upon removing his coat there was found pinned to his waistcoat a slip of paper on which was written:

"This is to inform the house-surgeon that this is just a case of plain fit: not appendicitis. My appendix has already been removed twice."

_Too Much Curiosity_

A dangerous operation was being performed upon a woman. Old Doctor A------, a quaint German, full of kindly wit and professional enthusiasm, had several younger doctors with him. One of them was administering the ether. He became so interested in the old doctor's work that he withdrew the cone from the patient's nostrils and she half-roused and rose to a sitting posture, looking with wild-eyed amazement over the surroundings. It was a critical period, and Doctor A------ did not want to be interrupted. "Lay down, dere, voman," he commanded gruffly. "You haf more curiosity as a medical student."

_They Were Both Charged_

A little girl, brushing her hair, found that it "crackled," and asked her mother why it did.

"Why, dear, you have electricity in your hair," explained the mother.

"Isn't that funny?" commented the little one. "I have electricity in my hair, and Grandmother has gas in her stomach."

_Could Use the Other Kind, Too_

"Here," said the salesman, "is something we call the 'lovers' clock.'

You can set it so it will take it two hours to run one hour."

"I'll take that," said Miss Jarmer with a bright blush. "And now, if you have one that can be set so as to run two hours in one hour's time or less, I think I'd like one of that kind, too."

_A Regard for Appearance_

A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last season's hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white picture-hat.

"Law, no, honey!" exclaimed the woman. "I could nevah wear that. I'd look jes' like a blueberry in a pan of milk."