Getting Married Part 16

HOTCHKISS [staggered] Very pleased indeed [he sits down again].

THE BISHOP. Personally I value the counsel of my old friend, Mr Alderman Collins, very highly. If Edith and Cecil will allow him--

EDITH. Collins has known me from my childhood: I'm sure he will agree with me.

COLLINS. Yes, miss: you may depend on me for that. Might I ask what the difficulty is?

EDITH. Simply this. Do you expect me to get married in the existing state of the law?

SYKES [rising and coming to Collin's left elbow] I put it to you as a sensible man: is it any worse for her than for me?

REGINALD [leaving his place and thrusting himself between Collins and Sykes, who returns to his chair] Thats not the point. Let this be understood, Mr Collins. It's not the man who is backing out: it's the woman. [He posts himself on the hearth].

LESBIA. We do not admit that, Collins. The women are perfectly ready to make a reasonable arrangement.

LEO. With both men.

THE GENERAL. The case is now before you, Mr Collins. And I put it to you as one man to another: did you ever hear such crazy nonsense?

MRS BRIDGENORTH. The world must go on, mustnt it, Collins?

COLLINS [s.n.a.t.c.hing at this, the first intelligible proposition he has heard] Oh, the world will go on, maam dont you be afraid of that. It aint so easy to stop it as the earnest kind of people think.

EDITH. I knew you would agree with me, Collins. Thank you.

HOTCHKISS. Have you the least idea of what they are talking about, Mr Alderman?

COLLINS. Oh, thats all right, Sir. The particulars dont matter. I never read the report of a Committee: after all, what can they say, that you dont know? You pick it up as they go on talking.[He goes to the corner of the table and speaks across it to the company]. Well, my Lord and Miss Edith and Madam and Gentlemen, it's like this. Marriage is tolerable enough in its way if youre easygoing and dont expect too much from it. But it doesnt bear thinking about. The great thing is to get the young people tied up before they know what theyre letting themselves in for. Theres Miss Lesbia now. She waited till she started thinking about it; and then it was all over. If you once start arguing, Miss Edith and Mr Sykes, youll never get married. Go and get married first: youll have plenty of arguing afterwards, miss, believe me.

HOTCHKISS. Your warning comes too late. Theyve started arguing already.

THE GENERAL. But you dont take in the full--well, I dont wish to exaggerate; but the only word I can find is the full horror of the situation. These ladies not only refuse our honorable offers, but as I understand it--and I'm sure I beg your pardon most heartily, Lesbia, if I'm wrong, as I hope I am--they actually call on us to enter into--I'm sorry to use the expression; but what can I say?--into ALLIANCES with them under contracts to be drawn up by our confounded solicitors.

COLLINS. Dear me, General: thats something new when the parties belong to the same cla.s.s.

THE BISHOP. Not new, Collins. The Romans did it.

COLLINS. Yes: they would, them Romans. When youre in Rome do as the Romans do, is an old saying. But we're not in Rome at present, my lord.

THE BISHOP. We have got into many of their ways. What do you think of the contract system, Collins?

COLLINS. Well, my lord, when theres a question of a contract, I always say, shew it to me on paper. If it's to be talk, let it be talk; but if it's to be a contract, down with it in black and white; and then we shall know what we're about.

HOTCHKISS. Quite right, Mr Alderman. Let us draft it at once. May I go into the study for writing materials, Bishop?

THE BISHOP. Do, Sinjon.

Hotchkiss goes into the library.

COLLINS. If I might point out a difficulty, my lord--

THE BISHOP. Certainly. [He goes to the fourth chair from the General's left, but before sitting down, courteously points to the chair at the end of the table next the hearth]. Wont you sit down, Mr Alderman? [Collins, very appreciative of the Bishop's distinguished consideration, sits down. The Bishop then takes his seat].

COLLINS. We are at present six men to four ladies. Thats not fair.

REGINALD. Not fair to the men, you mean.

LEO. Oh! Rejjy has said something clever! Can I be mistaken in him?

Hotchkiss comes back with a blotter and some paper. He takes the vacant place in the middle of the table between Lesbia and the Bishop.

COLLINS. I tell you the truth, my lord and ladies and gentlemen: I dont trust my judgment on this subject. Theres a certain lady that I always consult on delicate points like this. She has a very exceptional experience, and a wonderful temperament and instinct in affairs of the heart.

HOTCHKISS. Excuse me, Mr Alderman: I'm a sn.o.b; and I warn you that theres no use consulting anyone who will not advise us frankly on cla.s.s lines. Marriage is good enough for the lower cla.s.ses: they have facilities for desertion that are denied to us. What is the social position of this lady?

COLLINS. The highest in the borough, sir. She is the Mayoress.

But you need not stand in awe of her, sir. She is my sister-in- law. [To the Bishop] Ive often spoken of her to your lady, my lord. [To Mrs Bridgenorth] Mrs George, maam.

MRS BRIDGENORTH [startled] Do you mean to say, Collins, that Mrs George is a real person?

COLLINS [equally startled] Didnt you believe in her, maam?

MRS BRIDGENORTH. Never for a moment.

THE BISHOP. We always thought that Mrs George was too good to be true. I still dont believe in her, Collins. You must produce her if you are to convince me.

COLLINS [overwhelmed] Well, I'm so taken aback by this that--Well I never!!! Why! shes at the church at this moment, waiting to see the wedding.

THE BISHOP. Then produce her. [Collins shakes his head].Come, Collins! confess. Theres no such person.

COLLINS. There is, my lord: there is, I a.s.sure you. You ask George. It's true I cant produce her; but you can, my lord.

THE BISHOP. I!

COLLINS. Yes, my lord, you. For some reason that I never could make out, she has forbidden me to talk about you, or to let her meet you. Ive asked her to come here of a wedding morning to help with the flowers or the like; and she has always refused. But if you order her to come as her Bishop, she'll come. She has some very strange fancies, has Mrs George. Send your ring to her, my lord--he official ring--send it by some very stylish gentleman-- perhaps Mr Hotchkiss here would be good enough to take it--and she'll come.

THE BISHOP [taking off his ring and handing it to Hotchkiss]

Oblige me by undertaking the mission.

HOTCHKISS. But how am I to know the lady?

COLLINS. She has gone to the church in state, sir, and will be attended by a Beadle with a mace. He will point her out to you; and he will take the front seat of the carriage on the way back.

HOTCHKISS. No, by heavens! Forgive me, Bishop; but you are asking too much. I ran away from the Boers because I was a sn.o.b. I run away from the Beadle for the same reason. I absolutely decline the mission.

THE GENERAL [rising impressively] Be good enough to give me that ring, Mr Hotchkiss.

HOTCHKISS. With pleasure. [He hands it to him].