Games People Play Part 3

Thesis. 'Debtor' is more than a game. In America it tends to become a script, a plan for a whole lifetime, just as it does in some of the jungles of Africa and New Guinea.2 There the relatives of a young man buy him a bride at an enormous price, putting him in their debt for years to come. Here the same custom prevails, at least in the more civilized sections of the country, except that the bride price becomes a house price, and if there is no stake from the relatives, this role is taken on by the bank.

Thus the young man in New Guinea with an old wrist watch dangling from his ear to ensure success, and the young man in America with a new wrist watch wrapped around his arm to ensure success, both feel that they have a 'purpose' in life. The big celebration, the wedding or housewarming, takes place not when the debt is discharged, but when it is undertaken. What is emphasized on TV, for example, is not the middle-aged man who has finally paid off his mortgage, but the young man who moves into his new home with his family, proudly waving the papers he has just signed and which will bind him for most of his productive years. After he has paid his debts the mortgage, the college expenses for his children and his insurance he is regarded as a problem, a 'senior citizen' for whom society must provide not only material comforts but a new 'purpose'. As in New Guinea, if he is very shrewd, he may become a big creditor instead of a big debtor, but this happens relatively rarely.

As this is written, a sow bug crawls across a desk. If he is turned over on his back, one can observe the tremendous struggle he goes through to get on his feet again. During this interval he has a 'purpose' in his life. When he succeeds, one can almost see the look of victory on his face. Off he goes, and one can imagine him telling his tale at the next meeting of sow bugs, looked up to by the younger generation as an insect who has made it. And yet mixed with his smugness is a little disappointment. Now that he has come out on top, life seems aimless. Maybe he will return in the hope of repeating his triumph. It might be worth marking his back with ink, so as to recognize him if he risks it. A courageous animal, the sow bug. No wonder he has survived for millions of years.

Most young Americans, however, take their mortgages very seriously only in times of stress. If they are depressed, or the economic situation is bad, their obligations keep them going and may prevent some of them from committing suicide. Most of the time they play a mild game of 'If It Weren't for the Debts', but otherwise enjoy themselves. Only a few make a career out of playing a hard game of 'Debtor'.

'Try and Collect' (TAC) is commonly played by young married couples, and ill.u.s.trates how a game is set up so that the player 'wins' whichever way it goes. The Whites obtain all sorts of goods and services on credit, petty or luxurious, depending on their backgrounds and how they were taught to play by their parents or grandparents. If the creditor gives up after a few soft efforts to collect, then the Whites can enjoy their gains without penalty, and in this sense they win. If the creditor makes more strenuous attempts, then they enjoy the pleasures of the chase as well as the use of their purchases. The hard form of the game occurs if the creditor is determined to collect. In order to get his money he will have to resort to extreme measures. These usually have a coercive element going to White's employers or driving up to his house in a noisy, garish truck labelled in big letters COLLECTION AGENCY.

At this point there is a switch. White now knows that he will probably have to pay. But because of the coercive element, made clear in most cases by the 'third letter' from the collector ('If you do not appear at our office within 48 hours ...'), White feels peremptorily justified in getting angry; he now switches over to a variant of' Now I've Got You, You Son of a b.i.t.c.h'. In this case he wins by demonstrating that the creditor is greedy, ruthless and untrustworthy. The two most obvious advantages of this are (1) it strengthens White's existential position, which is a disguised form of 'All creditors are grasping', and (2) it offers a large external social gain, since he is now in a position to abuse the creditor openly to his friends without losing his own status as a 'Good Joe'. He may also exploit further internal social gain by confronting the creditor himself. In addition, it vindicates his taking advantage of the credit system: if that is the way creditors are, as he has now shown, why pay anybody?

'Creditor', in the form 'Try and Get Away With It' (TAG-AWI), is sometimes played by small landlords. TAC and TAG-AWI players readily recognize each other, and because of the prospective transactional advantages and the promised sport, they are secretly pleased and readily become involved with each other. Regardless of who wins the money, each has improved the other's position for playing 'Why Does This Always Happen To Me?' after it is all over.

Money games can have very serious consequences. If these descriptions sound facetious, as they do to some people, it is not because they relate to trivia but because of the exposure of trivial motivations behind matters people are taught to take seriously.

Ant.i.thesis. The obvious ant.i.thesis of TAC is to request immediate payment in cash. But a good TAC player has methods for getting around that, which will work on any but the most hard-boiled creditors. The ant.i.thesis of TAGAWI is promptness and honesty. Since hard TAC and TAGAWI players are both professionals in every sense of the word, an amateur stands as much chance playing against them as he does playing against professional gamblers. While the amateur seldom wins, he can at least enjoy himself if he becomes involved in one of these games. Since both are by tradition played grimly, nothing is more disconcerting to the professionals than to have an amateur victim laugh at the outcome. In financial circles this is considered strictly Out. In the cases reported to this writer, laughing at a debtor when one encounters him on the street is just as bewildering, frustrating and disconcerting to him as playing anti- 'Schlemiel' is to a Schlemiel.

3 KICK ME.

Thesis. This is played by men whose social manner is equivalent to wearing a sign that reads 'Please Don't Kick Me'. The temptation is almost irresistible, and when the natural result follows, White cries piteously, 'But the sign says "don't kick me".' Then he adds incredulously, 'Why does this always happen to me?' (WAHM). Clinically, the WAHM may be introjected and disguised in the 'Psychiatry' cliche: 'Whenever I'm under stress, I get all shook up.' One game element in WAHM comes from inverse pride: 'My misfortunes are better than yours.' This factor is often found in paranoids.

If the people in his environment are restrained from striking at him by kindheartedness, 'I'm Only Trying to Help You', social convention or organizational rules, his behaviour becomes more and more provocative until he transgresses the limits and forces them to oblige. These are men who are cast out, the jilted and the job losers.

The corresponding game among women is 'Threadbare'. Often genteel, they take pains to be shabby. They see to it that their earnings, for 'good' reasons, never rise much above the subsistence level. If they have a windfall, there are always enterprising young men who will help them get rid of it, giving them in return shares in a worthless business promotion or something equivalent. Colloquially, such a woman is called 'Mother's Friend', always ready to give judicious Parental advice and living vicariously on the experience of others. Their WAHM is a silent one, and only their demeanour of brave struggle suggests 'Why does this always happen to me?'

An interesting form of WAHM occurs in well-adapted people who reap increasing rewards and successes, often beyond their own expectations. Here the WAHM may lead to serious and constructive thinking, and to personal growth in the best sense, if it takes the form 'What did I really do to deserve this?'

4 NOW I'VE GOT YOU, YOU SON OF A b.i.t.c.h

Thesis. This can be seen in cla.s.sic form in poker games. White gets an unbeatable hand, such as four aces. At this point, if he is a NIGYSOB player, he is more interested in the fact that Black is completely at his mercy than he is in good poker or making money.

White needed some plumbing fixtures installed, and he reviewed the costs very carefully with the plumber before giving him a go-ahead. The price was set, and it was agreed that there would be no extras. When the plumber submitted his bill, he included a few dollars extra for an unexpected valve that had to be installed about four dollars on a four-hundred-dollar job. White became infuriated, called the plumber on the phone and demanded an explanation. The plumber would not back down. White wrote him a long letter criticizing his integrity and ethics and refused to pay the bill until the extra charge was withdrawn. The plumber finally gave in.

It soon became obvious that both White and the plumber were playing games. In the course of their negotiations, they had recognized each other's potentials. The plumber made his provocative move when he submitted his bill. Since White had the plumber's word, the plumber was clearly in the wrong. White now felt justified in venting almost unlimited rage against him. Instead of merely negotiating in a dignified way that befitted the Adult standards he set for himself, perhaps with a little innocent annoyance, White took the opportunity to make extensive criticisms of the plumber's whole way of living. On the surface their argument was Adult to Adult, a legitimate business dispute over a stated sum of money. At the psychological level it was Parent to Adult: White was exploiting his trivial but socially defensible objection (position) to vent the pent-up furies of many years on his cozening opponent, just as his mother might have done in a similar situation. He quickly recognized his underlying att.i.tude (NIGYSOB) and realized how secretly delighted he had been at the plumber's provocation. He then recalled that ever since early childhood he had looked for similar injustices, received them with delight and exploited them with the same vigour. In many of the cases he recounted, he had forgotten the actual provocation, but remembered in great detail the course of the ensuing battle. The plumber, apparently, was playing some variation of 'Why Does This Always Happen to Me?' (WAHM).

NIGYSOB is a two-handed game which must be distinguished from 'Ain't It Awful' (AIA). In AIA the agent seeks injustices in order to complain about them to a third party, making a three-handed game: Aggressor, Victim, Confidant. AIA is played under the slogan 'Misery Loves Company'. The confidant is usually someone who also plays AIA. WAHM is three-handed, too, but here the agent is trying to establish his pre-eminence in misfortune and resents compet.i.tion from other unfortunates. NIGYSOB is commercialized in a three-handed professional form as the 'badger game'. It may also be played as a two-handed marital game in more or less subtle forms.

Ant.i.thesis. The best ant.i.thesis is correct behaviour. The contractual structure of a relationship with a NIGYSOB player should be explicitly stated in detail at the first opportunity, and the rules strictly adhered to. In clinical practice, for example, the question of payment for missed appointments or cancellations must be settled clearly at once, and extra precautions must be taken to avoid mistakes in bookkeeping. If an unforeseen contretemps arises, the ant.i.thesis is to yield gracefully without dispute, until such time as the therapist is prepared to deal with the game. In everyday life, business dealings with NIGYSOB players are always calculated risks. The wife of such a person should be treated with polite correctness, and even the mildest flirtations, gallantries or slights should be avoided, especially if the husband himself seems to encourage them.

a.n.a.lYSIS.

Thesis: Now I've got you, you son of a b.i.t.c.h.

Aim: Justification.

Roles: Victim, Aggressor.

Dynamics: Jealous rage.

Examples: (1) I caught you this time. (2) Jealous husband.

Social Paradigm: Adult-Adult.

Adult: 'See, you have done wrong.'

Adult: 'Now that you draw it to my attention, I guess I have.'

Psychological Paradigm: Parent-Child.

Parent: 'I've been watching you, hoping you'd make a slip.'

Child: 'You caught me this time.'

Parent: 'Yes, and I'm going to let you feel the full force of my fury.'

Moves: (1) Provocation Accusation. (2) Defence Accusation. (3) Defence Punishment.

Advantages: (1) Internal Psychological justification for rage. (2) External Psychological avoids confrontation of own deficiencies. (3) Internal Social NIGYSOB. (4) External Social they're always out to get you. (5) Biological belligerent exchanges, usually ipsis.e.xual. (6) Existential people can't be trusted.

5 SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO.

Thesis. In its cla.s.sical form this is a marital game, and in fact is a 'three-star marriage buster', but it may also be played between parents and children and in working life.

(1) First-Degree SWYMD: White, feeling unsociable, becomes engrossed in some activity which tends to insulate him against people. Perhaps all he wants at the moment is to be left alone. An intruder, such as his wife or one of his children, comes either for stroking or to ask him something like, 'Where can I find the long-nosed pliers?' This interruption 'causes' his chisel, paintbrush, typewriter or soldering iron to slip, whereupon he turns on the intruder in a rage and cries, 'See what you made me do.' As this is repeated through the years, his family tends more and more to leave him alone when he is engrossed. Of course it is not the intruder but his own irritation which 'causes' the slip, and he is only too happy when it occurs, since it gives him a lever for ejecting the visitor. Unfortunately this is a game which is only too easily learned by young children, so that it is easily pa.s.sed on from generation to generation. The underlying satisfactions and advantages are more clearly demonstrated when it is played more seductively.

(2) Second-Degree SWYMD: If SWYMD is the basis for a way of life, rather than merely being used occasionally as a protective mechanism, White marries a woman who plays 'I'm Only Trying to Help You' or one of its relatives. It is then easy for him to defer decisions to her. Often this may be done in the guise of considerateness or gallantry. He may deferentially and courteously let her decide where to go for dinner or which movie to see. If things turn out well, he can enjoy them. If not, he can blame her by saying or implying: 'You Got Me Into This', a simple variation of SWYMD. Or he may throw the burden of decisions regarding the children's upbringing on her, while he acts as executive officer; if the children get upset, he can play a straight game of SWYMD. This lays the groundwork through the years for blaming mother if the children turn out badly; then SWYMD is not an end in itself, but merely offers pa.s.sing satisfaction on the way to 'I Told You So' or 'See What You've Done Now'.

The professional player who pays his psychological way with SWYMD will use it also in his work. In occupational SWYMD the long-suffering look of resentment replaces words. The player 'democratically' or as part of 'good management' asks his a.s.sistants for suggestions. In this way he may attain an una.s.sailable position for terrorizing his juniors. Any mistake he makes can be used against them by blaming them for it. Used against seniors (blaming them for one's mistakes), it becomes self-destructive and may lead to termination of employment or, in the army, to transfer to another unit. In that case it is a component of 'Why Does This Always Happen To Me?' with resentful people, or of 'There I Go Again' with depressives (both of the' Kick Me' family).

(3) Third-Degree SWYMD: in a hard form SWYMD may be played by paranoids against people incautious enough to give them advice (see 'I'm Only Trying to Help You'). There it may be dangerous, and in rare cases even fatal.

'See What You Made Me Do.' (SWYMD) and 'You Got Me into This' (UGMIT) complement each other nicely, so that the SWYMD-UGMIT combination is a cla.s.sical basis for the cover game contract in many marriages. This contract is ill.u.s.trated by the following sequence.

By mutual agreement Mrs White did the family bookkeeping and paid the bills out of the joint checking account because Mr White was 'poor at figures'. Every few months they would be notified of an overdraft, and Mr White would have to square it with the bank. When they looked for the source of the difficulty, it would turn out that Mrs White had made an expensive purchase without telling her husband. When this came to light, Mr White would furiously play his UGMIT, and she would tearfully accept his rebuke and promise it would not happen again. Everything would go smoothly for a while, and then a creditor's agent would suddenly appear to demand payment for a long-overdue bill. Mr White, not having heard of this bill, would question his wife about it. She would then play her SWYMD, saying that it was his fault. Since he had forbidden her to overdraw their account, the only way she could make ends meet was by leaving this large obligation unpaid and hiding the duns from him.

These games had been allowed to go on for ten years, on the basis that each occurrence would be the last, and that from then on it would be different which it was, for a few months. In therapy Mr White very cleverly a.n.a.lysed this game without any a.s.sistance from the therapist, and also devised an effective remedy. By mutual agreement he and Mrs White put all charge accounts and their bank account in his name. Mrs White continued to do the bookkeeping and make out the checks, but Mr White saw the bills first and controlled the outgoing payments. In this way neither duns nor overdrafts could get by him, and they now shared the budgetary labour. Deprived of the satisfactions and advantages of SWYMD-UGMIT, the Whites were at first at a loss, and were then driven to find more open and constructive types of gratification from each other.

Ant.i.thesis. The ant.i.thesis to First-Degree SWYMD is to leave the player alone, and to Second-Degree SWYMD to throw the decision back on White. The First-Degree player may react by feeling forlorn, but seldom angry; the Second-Degree player may become sulky if he is forced to take the initiative, so that systematic anti-SWYMD leads to disagreeable consequences. The ant.i.thesis to Third-Degree SWYMD should be put into competent professional hands.

PARTIAL a.n.a.lYSIS.

The aim of this game is vindication. Dynamically the mild form may be related to premature e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.n, the hard form to rage based on 'castration' anxiety. It is easily acquired by children. The external psychological gain (avoidance of responsibility) is prominent, and the game is often precipitated by the threat of impending intimacy, since the 'justifiable' anger offers a good excuse for avoiding s.e.xual relations. The existential position is, 'I am blameless'.

NOTE.

Thanks are due to Dr Rodney Nurse and Mrs Frances Matson of the Center for Treatment and Education on Alcoholism in Oakland, California, and to Dr Kenneth Everts, Dr R. J. Starrels, Dr Robert Goulding and others with a special interest in this problem, for their continued efforts in the study of 'Alcoholic' as a game, and for their contribution to and criticism of the present discussion.

REFERENCES.

1. Berne, E., A Layman's Guide to Psychiatry & Psychoa.n.a.lysis, Simon &Schuster, New York, 1957, p. 191.

2. Mead, M., Growing Up in New Guinea, Morrow, New York, 1951.

7 Marital Games ALMOST any game can form the scaffolding for married life and family living, but some, such as 'If It Weren't for You', flourish better or, like 'Frigid Woman', are tolerated longer, under the legal force of contractual intimacy. Marital games, of course, can only be arbitrarily separated from s.e.xual games, which are treated in a separate section. Those games which characteristically evolve into their most full-blown forms in the marital relationship include 'Corner', 'Courtroom', 'Frigid Woman' and 'Frigid Man', 'Harried', 'If It Weren't for You', 'Look How Hard I've Tried' and 'Sweetheart'.

1 CORNER.

Thesis. Corner ill.u.s.trates more clearly than most games their manipulative aspect and their function as barriers to intimacy. Paradoxically, it consists of a disingenuous refusal to play the game of another.

1. Mrs White suggests to her husband that they go to a movie. Mr White agrees.

2a. Mrs White makes an 'unconscious' slip. She mentions quite naturally in the course of conversation that the house needs painting. This is an expensive project, and White has recently told her that their finances are strained; he requested her not to embarra.s.s or annoy him by suggesting unusual expenditures, at least until the beginning of the new month. This is therefore an ill-chosen moment to bring up the condition of the house, and White responds rudely.

2b. Alternatively: White steers the conversation around to the house, making it difficult for Mrs White to resist the temptation to say that it needs painting. As in the previous case, White responds rudely.

3. Mrs White takes offence and says that if he is in one of his bad moods, she will not go to the movie with him, and he had best go by himself. He says if that is the way she feels about it, he will go alone.

4. White goes to the movie (or out with the boys), leaving Mrs White at home to nurse her injured feelings.

There are two possible gimmicks in this game: A. Mrs White knows very well from past experience that she is not supposed to take his annoyance seriously. What he really wants is for her to show some appreciation of how hard he works to earn their living; then they could go off happily together. But she refuses to play, and he feels badly let down. He leaves filled with disappointment and resentment, while she stays at home looking abused, but with a secret feeling of triumph.

B. White knows very well from past experience that he is not supposed to take her pique seriously. What she really wants is to be honeyed out of it; then they would go off happily together. But he refuses to play, knowing that his refusal is dishonest: he knows she wants to be coaxed, but pretends he doesn't. He leaves the house, feeling cheerful and relieved, but looking wronged. She is left feeling disappointed and resentful.

In each of these cases the winner's position is, from a nave standpoint, irreproachable; all he or she has done is take the other literally. This is clearer in (B), where White takes Mrs White's refusal to go at face value. They both know that this is cheating, but since she said it, she is cornered.

The most obvious gain here is the external psychological. Both of them find movies s.e.xually stimulating, and it is more or less antic.i.p.ated that after they return from the theatre, they will make love. Hence whichever one of them wants to avoid intimacy sets up the game in move (2a) or (2b). This is a particularly exasperating variety of 'Uproar' (see Chapter 9). The 'wronged' party can, of course, make a good case for not wanting to make love in a state of justifiable indignation, and the cornered spouse has no recourse.

Ant.i.thesis. This is simple for Mrs White. All she has to do is change her mind, take her husband by the arm, smile and go along with him (a shift from Child to Adult ego state). It is more difficult for Mr White, since she now has the initiative; but if he reviews the whole situation, he may be able to coax her into going along with him, either as a sulky Child who has been placated or, better, as an Adult.

'Corner' is found in a somewhat different form as a family game involving the children, where it resembles the 'double-bind' described by Bateson and his a.s.sociates.1 Here the child is cornered, so that whatever he does is wrong. According to the Bateson school this may be an important etiological factor in schizophrenia. In the present language, then, schizophrenia may be a child's ant.i.thesis to 'Corner'. Experience in treating adult schizophrenics with game a.n.a.lysis bears this out that is, if the family game of 'Corner' is a.n.a.lysed to demonstrate that the schizophrenic behaviour was and is specifically undertaken to counter this game, partial or total remission occurs in a properly prepared patient.

An everyday form of 'Corner' which is played by the whole family and is most likely to affect the character development of the younger children occurs with meddlesome 'Parental' parents. The little boy or girl is urged to be more helpful around the house, but when he is, the parents find fault with what he does a homely example of 'd.a.m.ned if you do and d.a.m.ned if you don't'. This 'double-bind' may be called the Dilemma Type of 'Corner'.

'Corner' is sometimes found as an etiological factor in asthmatic children.

Little girl: 'Mummy, do you love me?'

Mother: 'What is love?'

This answer leaves the child with no direct recourse. She wants to talk about mother, and mother switches the subject to philosophy, which the little girl is not equipped to handle. She begins to breathe hard, mother is irritated, asthma sets in, mother apologizes and the 'Asthma Game' now runs its course. This 'Asthma' type of 'Corner' remains to be studied further.

An elegant variant, which may be called the 'Russell-Whitehead Type' of 'Corner', sometimes occurs in therapy groups.

Black: 'Well, anyway, when we're silent n.o.body is playing games.'

White: 'Silence itself may be a game.'

Red: 'n.o.body was playing games today.'

White: 'But not playing games may itself be a game.'

The therapeutic ant.i.thesis is equally elegant. Logical paradoxes are forbidden. When White is deprived of this manoeuvre, his underlying anxieties come quickly to the fore.

Closely allied to 'Corner' on the one hand, and to 'Threadbare' on the other, is the marital game of 'Lunch Bag'. The husband, who can well afford to have lunch at a good restaurant, nevertheless makes himself a few sandwiches every morning, which he takes to the office in a paper bag. In this way he uses up crusts of bread, leftovers from dinner and paper bags which his wife saves for him. This gives him complete control over the family finances, for what wife would dare buy herself a mink stole in the face of such self-sacrifice? The husband reaps numerous other advantages, such as the privilege of eating lunch by himself and of catching up on his work during lunch hour. In many ways this is a constructive game which Benjamin Franklin would have approved of, since it encourages the virtues of thrift, hard work and punctuality.