Frost's Laws and By-Laws of American Society Part 27

12. No true lady will ever allow herself to speak of a gentleman by his surname without a prefix. To hear a lady talking of Holmes or Warren, instead of Mr. Holmes or Dr. Warren, gives the impression that she is low-bred.

13. No gentleman will ever criticize a wine offered to him, no matter how poor it may be. We give an instance of undaunted etiquette, which proves to what an extent a well-bred man may carry his courtesy: "In England during the French Revolution, the Duke of Bedford invited the emigrant Duc de Grammont to a splendid dinner, one of those magnificent entertainments which Englishmen pride themselves on giving to crowned heads, and their good feeling prompts them to offer to exiles. During dessert, a bottle of Constantia was produced, which for age and flavor was supposed to be matchless. It was liquid gold in a crystal flagon--a ray of the sun descending into a goblet; it was nectar which was worthy of Jove, and in which Bacchus would have revelled. The n.o.ble head of the house of Russell himself helped his guest to a gla.s.s of this choice wine, and de Grammont, on tasting it, declared it to be excellent. The Duke of Bedford, anxious to judge of its quality, poured out a gla.s.s, which no sooner approached his lips than, with a horrible contortion, he exclaimed: 'Why, what on earth is this?' The butler approached, took the bottle and applied it to his nostrils, and, to the dismay of his master, p.r.o.nounced it to be castor-oil. The Duc de Grammont had swallowed this horrid draught without wincing."

14. Flattery is a breach of etiquette. Johnson says: "Of all wild beasts, preserve me from a tyrant; and of all tame, a flatterer."

15. No gentleman may ever break an engagement, whether it be one of business or pleasure, with a lady, or with another gentleman.

If not blessed with a retentive memory, he must carry a note-book and record therein all his appointments, guarding, by frequent reference, against making two for the same day and hour. To break an engagement with a lady is almost certain to give lasting offence, and with good cause.

16. Irritability is a breach of good manners. Watts says: "To be angry about trifles is mean and childish; to rage and be furious is brutish, and to maintain perpetual wrath is akin to the practice and temper of fiends; but to prevent and suppress rising resentment is wise and glorious, is manly and divine."

17. Nothing marks a gentleman more truly than a strict punctuality.

To keep another waiting is a breach of etiquette, as well as often a positive unkindness.

18. "Fine feathers make fine birds," the old proverb tells us; but no amount of fine dressing will ever _make_ a lady. True politeness, gentle courtesy and refinement may be as marked in a lady wearing a calico dress and a sun-bonnet as in one in full gala dress. Mrs. Thorpe, the celebrated English auth.o.r.ess, tells of an interview with Mrs. Washington, than whom no more perfect lady, in the true acceptance of the term, ever lived. She says: "As Mrs. Washington was said to be so grand a lady, we thought we must put on our best bibs and bands; so we dressed ourselves in our most elegant ruffles and silks, and were introduced to her ladyship; and don't you think we found her knitting, and with her check ap.r.o.n on! She received us _very graciously and easily_; but after the compliments were over, she resumed her knitting. There we were without a st.i.tch of work, and sitting in state; but General Washinton's lady, with her own hands, was knitting stockings for her husband."

19. To answer a civil question rudely, or even impatiently, is a gross breach of etiquette. Even if it inconveniences you or interrupts you, it will take no longer to answer kindly or politely than to wound or offend by crustiness.

20. No gentleman may ever refuse an apology. No matter how great the offence, how deep the resentment, an apology can never be rejected. It may not again revive friendship; but it must prevent quarrelling.

21. It is a breach of etiquette to intrude upon a business man during business hours.

22. An invalid, an elderly person, or a lady must be given the most comfortable chair in the room, must be allowed to select the light and temperature, and no true lady or gentleman will ever object to the exercise of the privilege.

23. It is a breach of etiquette, as well as an impertinence ever to question a child or servant upon family affairs.

24. It is a breach of etiquette to examine a card-basket. It is true they are generally exposed in the drawing-room; but no true lady or gentleman will ever turn them over.

25. It is a breach of etiquette to consult a watch when in company. To do so, and then take leave, is an absolute impertinence, as a pleasant circle may be broken at an early hour, under the impression that "it must be late; Mr. C--- hurried away so, when he saw what time it was."

26. It is a breach of etiquette when in company to try to attract the attention of one person by signals, a cough, a poke, or a nudge. Any appearance, indeed, of privacy or mystery is rude in company.

27. It is a breach of etiquette to a.s.sume a lazy, lounging att.i.tude in company. If any one is too weak or too ill to sit up and a.s.sume a proper position, he had better stay at home until he is stronger or in better health.

28. Mysterious allusions are rude.

29. It is a breach of etiquette, in general conversation, to refer to incidents known to only one of the company, thus forcing a species of _tete-a-tete_, and withdrawing a perhaps unwilling partner from the general society.

30. Cards of ceremony must be answered either by a call, a letter, or a return card, within a week after their reception.

32. New-Year's calls must be made in person. It is a breach of etiquette to send a card, unless prevented by illness from calling.

32. Never rise to take leave in the midst of an interesting conversation; wait until there is a pause, and then withdraw, with as little disturbance as possible.

33. If you are calling, and another person enters, never offer the chair a.s.signed you by the lady of the house; it is her privilege to decide where to place her guests, and an impertinence on your part to usurp her place.

34. A gentleman will never talk of his business affairs to a lady, nor a lady weary her gentlemen friends by an account of her domestic affairs.

35. The only gifts that may be offered or accepted between ladies and gentlemen who are not related or engaged are books, flowers, music, or confectionary. A lady who accepts costly presents of jewelry puts herself under an obligation that she may find troublesome, and no true gentleman will expose a lady to the pain of refusing an improper gift of this kind.

36. In entering a room filled with people, it is etiquette to bow slightly, as a general salutation, before speaking to each of those a.s.sembled.

37. It is etiquette, before taking a place at table, to say "Good- morning," or "Good-evening," to those in the room before you, and especially to those who preside over the meal.

38. It is a breach of etiquette to go into company with the breath tainted by eating onions, garlic, cheese, or any other strong- scented food.

39. It is a breach of etiquette for a gentleman to enter a lady's presence smelling of tobacco or wine.

40. It is a breach of etiquette to send a present hoping for another.

41. It is a breach of etiquette ever to refer to a gift you have made, a favor you have granted, or an obligation of any kind under which another lies with regard to you.

42. It is a breach of etiquette, and shows a sad want of true delicacy, to return a gift very soon. An obligation of that kind, if accepted at all, must not be thrust back at once in the donor's face.

43. It is a breach of etiquette for a husband or wife to speak of each other by their initial letter. When you hear a lady saying, "B., gave me this," or a gentleman saying, "I always refer such matters to Mrs. P.," you may rest a.s.sured, whatever their social station, they are low-bred.

44. "Civility," says Lord Chesterfield, "is particularly due to all women; and remember that no provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not being civil to every woman; and the greatest man would justly be reckoned a brute if he were not civil to the meanest woman. It is due to their s.e.x, and is the only protection they have against the superior strength of ours."

45. Too great familiarity towards a new acquaintance is a breach of etiquette. You are less likely to offend by being too ceremonious.

46. To notice, by look or word, any deformity, any scar of misfortune to the face or figure of a friend, in not only a breach of etiquette of the grossest kind, but is a want of humanity and good feeling as well.

47. It is a breach of etiquette, when offering a gift, to represent it as valueless, or useless to yourself. "If you do not have it, the pigs will," is a homely old proverb in such cases, not acceptable in polite society.

48. It is a breach of etiquette to laugh at your own wit. If others will not do that for you, you had better let your remark pa.s.s unnoticed.

49. It is a breach of etiquette to lean heavily upon a table; and also to tip a chair to and fro when you are talking; and you will be justly punished if you find yourself sprawling on the floor with the chair on top of you.

50. It is a breach of etiquette to write your own remarks in a borrowed book.

51. _Scolding_ is ill-bred.

52. It is a breach of etiquette for a gentleman to keep his hat on when handing a lady to a carriage.

53. The man who will insult his inferiors is a boor at heart, however polished he may appear amongst his equals, or however deferential to his superiors.

54. It is a breach of etiquette to display any bashfulness in company. Lord Chesterfield says: "As for the _mauvaise honte_, I hope you are above it. Your figure is like other people's; I suppose you will care that your dress shall be so too, and to avoid any singularity. What, then, should you be ashamed of? And why not go into a mixed company with as much ease and as little concern as you would go into your own room? Vice and ignorance are the only things I know which one ought to be ashamed of; keep clear of them, and you may go anywhere without fear or concern.

I have known some people who, from feeling the pain and inconvenience of this _mauvaise honte_, have rushed into the other extreme, and turned impudent, as cowards sometimes grow desperate from the excess of danger; but this, too, is carefully to be avoided, there being nothing more generally shocking than impudence. The medium between the two extremes marks out the well- bred man; he feels himself firm and easy in all companies; is modest without being bashful, and steady without being impudent; if he is a stranger, he observes with care the manners and ways of the people most esteemed at that place, and conforms to them with complaisance."

55. It is a breach of etiquette to wear an air of abstraction in society if your mind is really so absorbed that you cannot pay attention to what is going on around you, you had better stay at home. An absent mind is much more frequently a proof of self- conceit than of genius.

56. Eccentricity of any kind is in bad taste.

57. To imitate the manners, voice, att.i.tude, or gestures of great men were a folly almost too absurd to mention if it were not so common. Many persons, from a real or fancied personal resemblance to some celebrity, will ape their manners also, as if mere appearance would make them equally distinguished.

58. It is wiser, if you have met with reverses, to withdraw yourself from society than to have society withdraw from you.

59. It is a breach of etiquette to a.s.sume pedantic airs; to talk of the Latin and Greek authors, and quote in those languages.

60. It is a breach of etiquette to make a quotation in a foreign language and then translate it, thereby giving your listeners to understand that you do not consider them as well informed as yourself.