Frost's Laws and By-Laws of American Society Part 20

No one should ever offer to act as sponsor for a child. It is the privilege of the parents to make the selection amongst their relatives or friends.

If the ceremony is performed at the house of the parents, a carriage must be sent to the house of the clergyman to convey him to the house of the parents, and wait until after the ceremony, to convey him home again. It is extremely rude to expect a clergyman to provide his own conveyance, or to walk.

Friends invited to a christening usually carry some gift to the babe; gentlemen a gift of silver, and ladies some pretty piece of needlework.

If the ceremony is performed in the house of the parents, or if the guests return there from the church, the only refreshments required by etiquette are cake and wine.

The father of the child usually gives a present of money to the nurse who carries the babe to the church.

It is not etiquette to remain long at a christening; and it is better taste for the infant to be removed to the nursery as soon as the ceremony is over. To keep a weary mother sitting up entertaining guests, or a cross, tired child on exhibition, are either of them in bad taste.

For a guest to show any annoyance if a child cries loudly, or is in any way troublesome, is the height of rudeness. Remarks or even frowns are forbidden entirely, even if the infant screams so as to make the voice of the clergyman entirely inaudible.

Etiquette requires that the babe be praised if it is shown to the guests, even if it is a little monster of pink ugliness. Ladies, especially mothers, will _see_ something beautiful, if only its helpless innocence, and gentlemen must behold infantile graces, if they cannot actually behold them. "Mother's darling" must be the great attraction at a christening, if it only improves the occasion by a succession of yells.

ETIQUETTE FOR FUNERALS.

WHEN the saddest of all the ceremonies of this life calls forth the sympathy of friends and relatives, there are many little points the observance of which evinces a delicate consideration for the mourners, and a respect for the melancholy occasion.

In entering the house of mourning, a gentleman must remove his hat in the hall, and not replace it while in the house.

Loud talking in the chamber of death is a rudeness which shows not only a want of respect for the dead, but a want of consideration for the grief of the survivors.

All quarrels must be forgotten in the presence of death. Enemies who meet at a funeral are bound by etiquette, if not by feeling, to salute each other with quiet gravity.

Whilst the body of the dead remains in the house, no visitor must expect to see the members of the bereaved family, and no offence may be taken if admission is refused to the nearest friends.

The formalities necessary upon the death of a member of a family entail upon the survivors many painful interviews, many directions, and often most harrowing discussions. It is, therefore, customary to entrust these details to some relative or friend, who, while near enough to carefully direct the affairs, is yet able to bear the trying details better than the members of the immediate family. It is best to select some one accustomed to the discharge of this duty, and more prudent to name a limit for the expenses.

Where there are no funeral arrangements made in the will, the person taking this charge may ask one interview with the nearest relative, but after that, relieve them of all care in the matter.

If there is no friend who can undertake these trying duties, it is then customary to make the undertaker the master of the painful ceremonies.

To surround the funeral ceremonies with great parade and pomp is usually more of a vain and ostentatious display than an act of respect towards the dead; at the same time, any meanness or parsimony is in bad taste. The expenses should be governed by the position of the deceased, and the means of the survivors.

If invitations are sent out, it is customary to have a number printed, and sent to the friends. The following is the usual form:

"You are respectfully invited to attend the funeral of J. J. C, on Wednesday, the 24th of May, 18-, at 10 o'clock A.M., from his late residence, No. 174 street. To proceed to Laurel Hill Cemetery."

Or, if the services are not at the house:

"You are respectfully invited to attend the funeral of J. J. C, from the church of the Incarnation, on Wednesday, the 24th of May, at 10 o'clock A.M. To proceed to Laurel Hill Cemetery."

It is contrary to the rules of etiquette to send these invitations by post.

A list of the persons invited must be given to the person directing the funeral ceremonies, and he will give the undertaker a list of the order in which the guests are to be placed in the carriages, if the funeral leaves the city, or the order of the procession if the guests go to the grave on foot.

If the invitation is given through the newspapers, the words "Without further notice" must be added, and the guests will not expect another invitation. The list is then omitted, and no especial order observed in placing the guests in carriages or procession.

Guests invited to a funeral must not present themselves before the hour appointed, when the corpse is generally exposed for the last gaze of the friends. It is customary for the family to pay their last visit to the coffin just before that hour, and all intrusion is against the customs of society.

The corpse usually is exposed in a drawing-room, and the family a.s.semble in another apartment, if the services are to be conducted in church, and the guests go from the house there. If, however, the guests are invited to meet the funeral in church, the coffin is usually placed in front of the chancel, with the lid removed, and friends pa.s.s, from the _feet to the head_, up one aisle and down another, after the services are over.

If the guests a.s.semble at the house of the deceased, it is customary for some near relative, not of the immediate family, to receive them, and do the honors of the occasion.

The ladies of the family are never expected to see the guests at a funeral; but it is optional with the gentlemen. Strict etiquette at the present day denies the ladies of the family the privilege of following the corpse from the house; but it is a custom "more honored in the breach than in the observance."

When the funeral procession is ready to start, the clergyman leaves the house first, and enters a carriage, which precedes the hea.r.s.e. Then follows the coffin, which is placed in the hea.r.s.e; the next carriage is for the immediate family and relatives.

Guests stand uncovered while these mourners pa.s.s them, no salutation being expected.

The gentleman who does the honors should precede the family as they pa.s.s from their room to the carriages, a.s.sist them in, close the door, and motion the driver to move slowly forward, and to the next carriage to drive up to the door.

The same order is observed at the church door, where the master of ceremonies a.s.sists the mourners to leave and re-enter the carriages.

When the private carriage of the deceased follows the hea.r.s.e, it should be empty, and precede the other carriages.

If the friends go on foot, and the weather is cold, the gentlemen may wear their hats; but if the weather is mild, it is customary to walk uncovered, with the hat in the right hand.

If the hat is worn, it must be removed as the coffin pa.s.ses from the hea.r.s.e to the church, when the guests form a double line, down which it is carried, and the same line and observance must be made after the service, as the coffin is carried from the church to the hea.r.s.e again.

If lady friends attend a funeral, if they are not in mourning, they should wear grave, quiet colors. To go to a funeral in a gay dress is insulting.

Upon the coffin of an infant or young person, it is customary to place a wreath of white flowers.

Upon the coffin of a married person, a cross of white flowers is usually placed.

Upon the coffin of an army or navy officer, the hat, epaulets, sword, and sash are placed, and it is customary to use the flag to cover the coffin.

A sufficient number of carriages should be provided to carry all invited guests to the cemetery. At the cemetery, the priest or clergyman walks in advance of the coffin, and the others alight from the carriages and stand around the grave.

After the carriages leave the cemetery, it is not customary for the guests to return to the house of the mourners; but each may, on re-entering the carriage, direct the driver, in a low tone, where to drive him.

The family physician, if able to attend the funeral, should have a seat in the carriage following that of the immediate family.

The carriage must be sent for the priest or clergyman in time for him to be punctually at the house at the appointed hour.

If gifts of flowers are sent to the mourners, they must be white only, and sent on the day of the funeral early enough to be used in the decoration of the coffin.

If pall-bearers are invited, they must be immediate friends of the deceased.

It is a foreign custom of much beauty and significance to select young children for pall-bearers for infants and children, dressing them in white, and draping the coffin in white, trimmed with silver fringe and cords.

If gloves and c.r.a.pe bands are distributed to the gentlemen guests, they must be handed them when they first enter the house. It is a gross violation of etiquette to make any selection in such cases; n.o.body expects to have gloves so given as to fit the hands; but they must be worn. It is far more elegant to present yourself already provided with black kid gloves on your hands, and allow the undertaker to provide you only with the c.r.a.pe.

Friends in deep mourning are not expected to pay visits of condolence, and are excused from accepting funeral invitations; but all others are expected to accept them. It is but a poor compliment to your friends to attend their dinners, receptions, b.a.l.l.s, and parties, and refuse to be present when they are in affliction, or to pay the last act of respect to the memory of those they love.

During the week following a funeral, friends should leave their cards for the family of the deceased, and call again about a fortnight later, asking then to see the members of the family.

It is not customary to ask to see the family of a deceased friend before the funeral; but cards should be sent, and offers of service sent by note.