Frost's Laws and By-Laws of American Society Part 18

Never allow a servant to keep a visitor standing parleying on the door-step, while she holds the door ajar. Train the door-servant to admit any caller promptly, show them to the parlor, bring up their cards at once, and return with your answer or message.

There are two occasions in a man's lifetime when may he make his account with liberality to servants, whether he will or whether he will not. These two are the occasions of his marriage and his funeral.

On his marriage, the bridegroom is expected to make presents to all the servants of his father-in-law or mother-in-law, rather according to their expectations than according to his means. To old servants, who have been attached to the bride, the bridegroom will naturally wish to give some token of the value he sets upon their devotion. New dresses, new shawls, money, or a handsome equivalent of it, are expected. Money is usually given to the other servants; The amounts must, of course, depend, in a great degree, upon the means of the bridegroom; but he must be prepared for a heavy outlay on the occasion, if the servants be numerous.

HOTEL ETIQUETTE.

LET us start this chapter by saying that no word of it is addressed to the sterner s.e.x, who will find hints for their etiquette under the head of "Travelling;" but it is for the especial guidance of ladies, many of whom in this independent country travel without escort.

When a lady arrives alone at a hotel, she should, if possible, be provided with a letter of introduction to the proprietor; she should send for him immediately upon her arrival, present her letter, or her card, and mention the time for which she desires to secure a room.

In going to meals, a lady should request one of the waiters to meet her at the dining-room door, and escort her to the table, saving her the awkwardness of crossing the room alone, and showing others that she is a regular resident in the house. She may keep the services of this waiter at table during her stay, and should give him a present of money before leaving.

In giving an order at a public table, a lady should decide quickly what dishes she desires, and order them in a low but distinct tone.

No lady will stare round the room, fidget with her napkin, plate, knife, or fork, play with the salt, or exhibit any awkward embarra.s.sment, while waiting for a meal to be served. It is allowable to look over a newspaper in the interval at breakfast; but the habit, quite common, of carrying a novel to the table is not lady-like.

If a lady accepts any civility from a gentleman at the same table, such as placing b.u.t.ter, sugar, or water nearer to her plate, she must thank him; but by no means start a conversation with him.

If a lady have friends at the table, she may converse in a low, quiet tone; but any loud tone, laughing extravagantly, or gesticulations, are exceedingly ill-bred. To comment upon others present, either aloud or in a whisper, is extremely rude.

A lady must never point to any dish she wishes pa.s.sed to her. If she cannot call it by name, a well-trained waiter will know her wishes if she looks at the dish.

Any bold action or boisterous deportment in a hotel will expose a lady to the most severe censure of the refined around her, and may render her liable to misconstruction, and impertinence.

Greetings offered by other ladies at the table, or in the parlor, should not be too hastily checked, as the acquaintance so formed is never required by etiquette to be recognized elsewhere.

A lady alone at a hotel should wear the most modest and least conspicuous dress appropriate to the hour of the day. Full dress must not be worn unless she has an escort present.

A lady should never go alone to the supper-table after ten o'clock. If she returns from an entertainment at a later hour, and has no escort to supper, she should have that meal sent to her room. A lady should carefully lock her trunks before leaving her room at a hotel, and should give her purse and jewelry into the care of the proprietor on her arrival, ringing for them if she requires them during her stay.

No lady should open a window in a hotel parlor, if there are other ladies near it, without first ascertaining that it will not inconvenience them.

No lady should use the piano of a hotel uninvited if there are others in the room. It looks bold and forward to display even the most finished musical education in this way. It is still worse to sing.

A lady should never go herself to the door of a hotel to call a hack. Ring for a servant to perform this office, and he will bring the hack to the ladies' entrance.

No lady should stand or linger in the halls of a hotel, but pa.s.s through them quietly, never stopping alone for a moment.

No lady should stand alone at the front windows of a hotel parlor, nor may she walk out on the porch, or, indeed, any conspicuous place.

A lady is not expected to recognize her friends across the parlor or dining-room of a hotel.

No scolding of servants is permissible in a hotel. If they are negligent or disrespectful, complain to the housekeeper or landlord; it is their business to keep the domestics in order, not that of their guests.

For a lady to go up the stairs of a hotel singing is ill-bred, and may expose her to rudeness.

It is a breach of etiquette to take any newspaper, book, or music you may find in a hotel parlor to your own room, even if you return it.

Lolling or lounging in a public parlor can never be permitted to a lady.

It is a breach of etiquette for a lady to touch her baggage in a hotel after it is packed. There are plenty of servants to attend to it, and they should carry to the hack even the travelling- shawl, satchel, and railway novel. Nothing looks more awkward than to see a lady, with both hands full, stumbling up the steps of a hotel hack.

No lady must ever pa.s.s in or out at the public entrance of a hotel. There is always an entrance for ladies especially, and it is bold and unbecoming for them to be seen in the one appropriated to gentlemen. A gentleman who will escort a lady through the public entrance shows a lamentable ignorance of the usages of hotel life.

WEDDING ETIQUETTE.

TO those who require to be taught how they may express themselves in those delicate negotiations which precede the question of marriage, this little book is not addressed. It is not proposed to introduce form and ceremony into that which should spring purely and spontaneously from the heart, and which should be the most natural expression of a most natural feeling, in connection with which etiquette would be simply a mockery. Etiquette, being only a system devised and found convenient for the social rule and guidance of the many, cannot by any possibility be applied to the conduct of two who may reasonably be supposed to be acquainted with each other's sentiments before they begin to speak about them. If they are not so acquainted, all the etiquette in the world cannot help them, nor preserve them from making what may be a blunder of the most awkward kind. There are people who profess to teach how and in what terms an offer of marriage should be made, whether by letter or by mouth, and, in either case, what should be said. I pretend to no such knowledge, believing that if the heart cannot suggest the way and the words, nothing else can do so.

Yet, the wiser way, usually, is in speech. Letters are seldom expressive of what really pa.s.ses in the mind of a man; or, if expressive, seem foolish, since deep feelings are liable to exaggeration. Every written word may be the theme of cavil. Study, care, which avail in every other species of composition, are death to the lover's effusion. A few sentences, spoken in earnest, and broken by emotion, are more eloquent than pages of sentiment, both to parents and daughter.

The place of etiquette, the social law which regulates the conduct of engaged people towards others, and of other people towards them, is immediately after the announcement of the engagement; then there is scope for the display of good manners and good breeding, and there are certain rules which must be observed.

Some members of the gentleman's family, his nearest relations, should call upon the family of the lady, and they should return the call as soon as possible. It is by no means necessary that the two families should be intimate; there may be good and sufficient reasons why they should not be so; all that is necessary is the show of civility, which is included in the interchange of visits.

If the family of the gentleman does not reside in the same city as that of the lady, the announcement of the engagement should be followed by letters from his parents or nearest relatives to the young lady herself or her parents. Kindly and cordial feeling should be the prevailing tone of such letters, and they must be answered at once.

Though it is often true that the gentleman who aspires to love one member of a family must make his account in loving all the rest in some degree, there is no necessity for such a display of amiability on the part of the lady.

It is customary for the gentleman to make some present to his fiancee soon after the engagement. The most elegant and desirable present is a handsome ring, "the engagement ring," which should be either of diamonds or pearls. The lady sometimes returns a similar ring, or the gentleman has two made exactly similar, each of the betrothed wearing one.

The first present must be made by the gentleman. It is very proper for this first present to be followed by gifts upon appointed days, as birthdays, Christmas, or New Year's Day, and the lady is at perfect liberty to return the compliment. It is considered more elegant for the gentleman to offer jewelry, the lady some gift which is the work of her own hands, as a handsome pair of embroidered slippers, a handkerchief with richly embroidered monograms, a cigar-case embroidered, or some similar gift.

When once the engagement is allowed, it is the custom to admit the gentleman into the intimate society of his newly-adopted relatives; he is looked upon as something more than a potential member of the family; he is implicitly trusted in every way.

It is a gross breach of good manners to omit the gentleman from any invitation in which his fiancee is included, and there are not many young ladies who would consent to accept such an invitation.

There is, however, no rule of etiquette forbidding an engaged lady to do so, if she so desires.

In return for the membership which is accorded to him in the lady's family, the engaged man should show all possible deference towards the of members it, especially to the parents. Towards the sisters of his lady love, he should be kind; and generally attentive, and frank, and cordial in his intercourse with her brothers. If there are young children in the family, nothing will make him more popular with the older members than an occasional gift of toys or confectionery, or an excursion during the holidays with the schoolboys, who will readily swear allegiance, after such a trip, to "the man Emily is going to marry," or (vulgar little wretches that they are) to "Amelia's _beau_."

It is not according to the strict laws of etiquette for the brothers and sisters to call the new member at first by his Christian name. Much will depend on his age and his disposition.

There are some people whom one can never address otherwise than formally, while with others it seems perfect nonsense to call them otherwise than by the most familiar term.

If not a positive requirement of etiquette, it is, at least, a politic thing to pay considerable attention to the future mother- in-law. To occupy a good place in her esteem and affection is to smooth many a furrow, which otherwise might trip one up in his walk over the tender ground that leads to matrimony.

An engaged man should never forget the exceedingly abnormal position he occupies with reference to the lady's family; the inconvenience his presence may occasion, and the amount of forbearance necessary on their parts to insure even a friendly status for him in the household. He should endeavor to repay this by a careful attention to the general rules of the family, and even to the particular fancies of the members; he should rigidly observe their hours for meals, and be careful not to stay later in the evening than the usual hour for the household to retire.

There should be the most perfect candor, on the gentleman's part, concerning the state of his financial affairs, and he should respectfully consider the worldly position of the family he is to enter, never doing anything to hurt their feelings, either by word or act, should their status be below his own, and never professing scorn or contempt for wealth or power, should their status be higher than his own.

During the arrangement of pecuniary matters, a young lady should endeavor to understand what is going on, receiving it in a right spirit. If she has a private fortune, she should, in all points left to her, be generous and confiding; at the same time, prudent.

Many a man, she should remember, may abound in excellent qualities, and yet be improvident. He may mean to do well, yet have a pa.s.sion for building; he may be the very soul of good nature, yet be fond of the gaming-table; he may have no wrong propensities, and yet have a confused notion of accounts, and be one of those unfortunate men who muddle away a great deal of money, no one knows how; or he may be a too strict economist, a man who takes too good care of the pence, till he tires his wife's life out about an extra dollar; or he may be facile, or weakly good-natured, and have a friend who preys on him, and for whom he is disposed to become security. Finally, the beloved Charles, Henry, or Reginald may have none of these propensities, but may chance to be an honest merchant, or a tradesman, with his floating capital in business, and a consequent risk of being one day rich, the next a pauper.

Upon every account, therefore, it is necessary for a young lady to have a settlement on her; and she should not, from a weak spirit of romance, oppose her friends who advise it, since it is for her husband's advantage as well as her own. By making a settlement, there is always a fund that cannot be touched--a something, however small, as a provision for a wife and children; and whether she have a fortune or not, this ought to be made. An allowance for dress should also be arranged; and this should be administered in such a way that a wife should not have to ask for it at inconvenient times, and thus irritate her husband.

Flirtations on either side should be avoided, not only as, matter of etiquette, but of humanity. No one who is really sincere in his professions will wish to inflict pain on the object of his affections. The same remark applies to the other side. Can it be anything but painful in the extreme for a really loving heart to see in the beloved one a tendency to trifle with the most sacred emotions of the heart?

It is not etiquette to make signal displays of devotion in public, or to be constantly sitting apart from the rest of the company; but, on the other hand, "the authorities" will do well to make occasions when the engaged pair can be by themselves, doing so, not ostentatiously, but rather doing it, without speaking of it or drawing attention to it. Nothing can make an engaged couple look more foolish, and feel more uncomfortable, than for the family to quit the room in which all have been sitting, with some such remark as: "Come away! f.a.n.n.y and Mr. Amor want this room to themselves." Poor f.a.n.n.y!

In equally bad taste is exclusiveness by the happy couple themselves. Their devotions should be reserved for a _tete-a- tete_, and women are generally in fault when it is otherwise. They like to exhibit their conquest; they cannot dispense with attentions; they forget that the demonstration of any peculiar condition of things in society must make some one uncomfortable: the young ladies are uncomfortable because they are not equally happy; the young gentlemen detest what they call nonsense; the old think there is a time for all things.