Frost's Laws and By-Laws of American Society Part 13

Neither hostess nor guest may accept any invitations which do not include the other.

If either hostess or visitor is in mourning, the other must decline all invitations during the visit, giving that as a reason.

It is always accepted in society as sufficient excuse.

If any sudden trouble comes into a house where you are visiting, try to be of service. Let your friend feel that you have not visited her for gayety alone, but are glad to sympathize in her trouble. If sickness or death come, share the nursing, try to relieve the hostess of some of her family cares, if it is only taking the children into your own room or out for a walk; be ready to do the shopping required for mourning, and take away every painful detail you can. There is no comfort so great as a really useful sympathizing friend in times of trouble; yet if relatives come and require rooms, if you find you are a restraint and can be of no use, it is the truest kindness to shorten your visit, and leave the mourners free to comfort each other.

When visiting, never depend upon your host for writing or sewing materials; but it is a delicate attention for you, if hostess, to have your guest's room amply supplied with both.

It is extremely rude for visitors to make comparisons between the house at which they are visiting and others where they have enjoyed hospitality. To inform your hostess indirectly that her house, furniture, table, or servants are inferior to those of other friends, is insulting, and it is as much so to cast the slur upon the first house visited by vaunting the superiority of the second.

To a certain extent, use your friend's servants as your own wholly so as far as your own personal wants require their services. Ask for whatever you want in your own room, and give any requisite directions to the servant who waits upon you. Do not trouble the mistress of the house with matters which in your own house you would give to a servant. At the same time, avoid being troublesome; put out your own washing, and any extra work you require done, and never call upon the servants at hours when they are otherwise employed.

If you are unfortunate enough during a visit to injure any article of furniture in your own room, have it repaired or replaced at once at your own expense.

It is a graceful compliment for a gentleman during a visit to bring flowers, fruit, books, or confectionery occasionally to the hostess, and a lady friend will be gratefully remembered if she is kind to the children.

If a gift is made, it must be to the hostess, or if there are several children, to the youngest. If children are over twelve years old, it is better to give any present to the mother; but you will never give offence by a gift to the baby. A gentleman may give baby jewelry, and a lady a piece of handsome needlework. You may be sure the parents will find no fault with this acknowledgment of their hospitality.

Always hold yourself at the disposal of those in whose house you are staying. If they propose to ride, drive, walk, or other wise occupy the day, you must take it for granted that these plans are made with reference to your enjoyment. You should receive them with cheerfulness and enter into them with alacrity, doing your best to seem pleased, and be pleased, by the efforts made to entertain you. Never mind if it is the twentieth time you have driven to "see the lovely view from the hill four miles from here," or you have paid a dozen previous visits to "that beautiful waterfall just above the lake;" you must find a new tree to admire, or a new point to sketch every time you go.

It is not expected that the host or hostess can devote the entire day to guests. Sir Walter Scott's conduct towards his guests at Abbotsford furnishes a model of hospitality. He never saw them till dinner; but whilst he was busily engaged in writing, he left his house, servants, carriages, horses, and grounds at their entire disposal.

Byron gives a perfect picture of guest life at a country house:

"The gentlemen got up betimes to shoot, Or hunt; the young, because they liked the sport The first thing boys like, after play and fruit; The middle-aged, to make the day more short; For ennui is a growth of English root, Though nameless in our language-we retort The fact for words, and let the French translate That awful yawn which sleep cannot abate.

"The elderly walked through the library, And tumbled books, or criticized the pictures, Or sauntered through the garden piteously, And made upon the hot-house several strictures; Or rode a nag which trotted not too high, Or in the morning papers read their lectures; Or on the watch their longing eyes would fix, Longing at sixty for the hour of six."

"But none were 'gene;' the great hour of union Was rung by dinner's knell! till then all were Masters of their own time-or in communion, Or solitary, as they chose to bear The hours,-which how to pa.s.s to few is known.

Each rose up at his own, and had to spare What time he chose for dress, and broke his fast When, where, and how he chose for that repast."'

In this country, hospitality is but seldom conducted on the lavish broad scale possible at an English country residence; but, as far as possible, it is better to allow guests perfect liberty for breakfast hour and morning employments.

Great discretion must be used among guests to avoid all criticism on their host, his friends, his household, his manner of living, and all that concerns him. If anything goes wrong during the visit, one should seem not to see it. If the dinner is late, it is very impolite to appear impatient. If any plan falls to the ground, no comments or disapproval must be indulged in, and no disappointment betrayed. If the children of the house are fractious, or noisy, or ill-bred, a visitor must never find fault with their behavior.

The same caution must be exercised in the treatment of your friend's friends. They may be such as you do not care to become intimate with; but you must not evince dislike or special avoidance, and must always have recourse rather to a negative than a positive line of conduct. A person of tact can always keep people at a distance without hurting their feelings.

Your host's horses, carriages, books, and grounds should be even more carefully used than if they were your own. A goodnatured man will delight in seeing his visitors enjoy all the good things he places at their disposal; but they should not abuse his indulgence. To ride a horse too far or too fast, to dog's-ear or blot the books in the library, to gather choice and favorite flowers, are all signs of an under-bred and selfish nature. Above all, we should be thoughtful in our treatment of the servants, never commenting upon their shortcomings, or scolding them.

The religious opinions, especially of those from whom we are receiving hospitality, must on no account be shocked, scoffed at, or in any way treated with a want of respect. If our friends go regularly to church, we should accompany them there; or, without remark, repair to the place of worship most agreeable to our own religious convictions. If family prayers are read, we should endeavor to be present. If silent grace is the custom at meal times, our heads must also bow, and a short mental prayer be said.

If the Sunday is observed with great strictness, we should refrain from any pursuits to which objection could possibly be made, even if they appear to ourselves perfectly proper and innocent. In short, we must remember that for the time the feelings and prejudices of the host and hostess are our own.

There is no occasion when it is more necessary to remember that social intercourse is made up of innumerable little acts of kindness, self-denial, charity, chivalry, and good-fellowship, than when a number of people find themselves thrown together for companionship in the house of some mutual friend.

Letters delivered in the presence of the host or hostess, or when the other guests are present, must not be opened until the receiver asks permission to read them.

A lady may never offer to pay any of the expenses incurred by taking her about--carriage hire, steamboat fares, or such outlay nor must a gentleman do so unless he is the only gentleman of the party. It will then be well for the hostess, before starting, to hand him the necessary tickets previously purchased.

When a guest is ready to leave you, be sure that the trunks are strapped and ticketed, a carriage ready in good season, a luncheon prepared for refreshment upon the journey, a substantial meal ready in good season for comfortable enjoyment of it, and the departure made as pleasant as possible.

"Welcome the coming, speed the parting guest." It is the first duty of the guest, after returning home, to write to the host or hostess, expressing the pleasure derived from the visit, and mentioning each member of the family by name, desiring to be remembered to all.

STREET ETIQUETTE.

WHEN a gentleman recognizes a friend in the course of his walk, he must lift his hat with the hand farthest from him. Lifting the hat is a sufficient recognition between gentlemen; but in meeting a lady, an old gentleman, or a clergyman, it is necessary to bow also.

If a gentleman wishes to shake hands with a friend, he must lift his hat with the left hand, leaving the right free to extend.

Never must he give his left hand, or extend a portion of the right. The whole right hand is _en regle_.

A lady must recognize a gentleman, by bowing, before he is at liberty to acknowledge an acquaintance with her. Should she bow, he must lift his hat and bow also. If he is sufficiently barbarous to have a cigar in his mouth, he must remove it while bowing to a lady.

If a gentleman is walking with a lady, he should insist upon carrying any book, parcel, or umbrella she may have with her.

No gentleman may smoke when walking with a lady. He should even decline to do so though he may be asked to continue smoking.

Should a lady stop a gentleman to speak, she must make a slight inclination of the head as a token of dismissal, and he must accept it as such, bow, and leave her.

No lady will be guilty of the vulgarity of sucking the head of her parasol in the street.

To eat anything, even confectionery, in the street, is a sign of low breeding.

A gentleman must give a lady, an old gentleman, or clergyman with whom he may be walking, the upper side (nearest the houses) of the pavement.

If a gentleman meets a lady friend who is walking with any one he does not know, he must not stop, nor must he stop if his companion is unacquainted with a lady friend whom he may chance to meet. The lady, however, has a perfect right to do as she likes. If she should stop, the strangers must be introduced, and none of the group should go on and wait, whether the introduction be agreeable or not.

A lady should avoid walking very rapidly. It is very ungraceful and unbecoming.

Swinging the arms is an awkward and ill-bred habit.

For a lady to run across the street, to avoid a carriage pa.s.sing, is not only ill-bred, but exceedingly dangerous.

To attempt to cross the street between the carriages of a funeral procession is rude and disrespectful; and we cannot but commend the foreign custom of removing the hat, and standing in a respectful att.i.tude until the melancholy train has pa.s.sed.

When a gentleman is walking alone, he must always turn aside to give the upper side of the pavement to a lady, to any one carrying a heavy load, to a clergyman, or to an old gentleman.

Never push violently through a crowd. If a gentleman or lady is really in haste, a few courteous words will open a pa.s.sage more quickly than the most vigorous pushing or shoving.

If a lady is caught in a shower, and a gentleman offers an umbrella, she may accept it, if he is going in the same direction as herself and accompanies her. If not, and he still insists, etiquette requires the return of the umbrella as soon as the lady reaches her destination. No lady may accept this courtesy from a strange gentleman, but must decline it firmly, but politely.

Stopping to stare in the shop-windows is against the rules of strict etiquette.

If a gentleman and lady are obliged to cross a narrow walk, plank, or slippery place, the lady may go first, and the gentleman walk close behind her, to aid her if needful. If the place is short, then the gentleman should go first, and then offer his hand to a.s.sist the lady across. If a gentleman meet a lady or old gentleman at such a crossing, he may, with perfect propriety, a.s.sist them in crossing, even if perfect strangers to him.

A gentleman must hold his hat in his hand if he stops to inquire his own way, or to direct another.

If a gentleman sees a lady alone hesitating at a bad crossing, or leaving a carriage at an awkward place, he may offer his hand to a.s.sist her in crossing or alighting, raise his hat, bow, and pa.s.s on. A lady may, with perfect propriety, accept such a.s.sistance from a stranger, thanking him, and returning his bow.