Friends Or Lovers Part 34

I lost something last night Im sure youll understand what I mean. It was not the wonderful and incredible experience that I had hoped for but it was still very exciting. I found the cuddling afterwards more enjoyable and we talked and talked. Waking up with someone next to you is something else, isnt it? Is this normal I dont feel completely bowled off my feet?

Ellie I immediately picked up the phone and dialled her extension.

"Can you talk?" I asked.

"Yes. Theres no-one here at the moment."

"I got your note!" I said.

"Am I being too hard on him?"

"No, Ellie. s.e.x is like everything else in life. The more you practice it, the better it gets. Just be patient and it will happen. Was the spark there?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean did you want to rip his clothes off and jump into bed with him?"

"G.o.d, yes. But when we started it hurt a bit. He wasnt that gentle!"

"Then tell him."

"I cant do that."

"Why not?"

"I might hurt his feelings!"

Why, I wondered, did people so often think that it was preferable not to hurt someone elses feelings when their body was being hurt?

"Ellie, h.e.l.l want to give you as much pleasure as he can. If he doesnt then youll want to think again about whether hes right for you."

Out of the corner of my eye I could see Phil coming back into the office.

"I have to go now," I said. "Phils coming!"

"Dont tell him. Please!"

"Jeez, Ellie! I wouldnt dream of it. See you at the flat tonight, okay?"

"Yeah, sure!"

I rang off as Phil entered the office.

"She told you then?"

"No secrets between girlfriends," I answered.

"What did she say?"

"Thats between me and her, but if you are wondering whether she wants to see you again, I think I can definitely confirm that the answer is 'yes!"

He smiled as he gave me the coffee.

"Im more interested in what you have to say," I offered.

He suddenly looked quite sheepish and unsure. His eyes left mine for a moment and studied the floor and I noticed that his hands moved from his knees and joined together in an awkward clasp. He was surprisingly nervous.

"Phil?" I asked. "Are you alright? You dont have to say anything."

"This is in confidence, right?"

"Like a doctor and patient!" I said, trying to be rea.s.suring.

"Well, it was good and all, but we didnt......I didnt....."

He hesitated again. When he didnt start talking I tried to give him some gentle encouragement.

I realised that his anxiety about sharing his feelings was no different from mine. As I watched Phil struggle it reminded me of my own struggle with John. I remembered how he had moved around to my side and gently rea.s.sured me. I decided to do the same. As I sat next to him, I put my arm on his back and helped him.

"I was so excited, Penny! I just wanted her so bad, but she didnt really know what to do. Do you know what I mean?"

I looked at him and nodded.

"I mean I took her into the bedroom and I could tell she wanted me......"

He hesitated again. Clearly this was difficult for him to say.

"But......we didnt......"

"Its okay n.o.bodys going to judge you, Phil."

"We didnt........have any......foreplay!" he finally said.

I started to understand what he was saying and gently encouraged him.

"I really like her and all, but I didnt know how to ask her to......you know.....?"

"I think I know what you mean, Phil!" I said confidently.

"I wanted her to...but she didnt seem to know anything. I just ended up sticking it in and pumping away. It hurt and I was worried about hurting her. But Id started and didnt want to take it out because I thought she might think I didnt want to make love to her. I thought I might hurt her feelings."

I had to stifle a laugh he would not have understood why I found this funny. I was instantly relieved. They were going to do well if they cared so much about each others feelings on their first date. Neither was interested in blaming the other.

These are the moments when people are at their most vulnerable, when one wrong word or gesture can destroy trust and end a relationship. I gently listened to him and tried to work out how to tell him what he needed to hear. Can there be anything more important in my line of work? Is there anything more important in life?

"Talk to her, Phil. Talk to her about her parents. Talk to her about her upbringing. If you can do that you will find the answers you are looking for and discover someone who is going to bring you a lot of pleasure."

"You think?" he said.

"No promises!" I said, "but Im confident youll be happier the more you get to know her."

"I just wanted it to be better for her, you know?"

"Then tell her," I said rea.s.suringly.

"I cant do that!"

I felt like I was in the middle of a re-run, but I smiled broadly and looked him in the eye.

"Tell her!" I said gently. "Shes ready to learn if you have the confidence to teach her."

As I looked at him, I saw his eyes grow moist. This was a first for me, I realised. I couldnt remember any other occasion when a man, any man, family, friend or lover, had expressed his fears to me about s.e.x. I had always thought men didnt care but as Phil poured out his feelings, I thought about George, the lad I had picked up in the bar when I was out with Carole and Chris. He had screamed at me that he was not a piece of meat. As Phil talked about the pleasure he had wanted to bring Ellie, I thought about George and the violence I had done him by not treating him with respect. Where did he end up that night, I wonder? I tried to imagine how he must have felt as he walked away. Before I knew it, words started to spill out of my mouth.

"I did something once that Im truly ashamed of...." I started.

It was my turn to feel ashamed and hesitant, to cast my eyes down on the floor and wonder whether I had the courage to talk. I looked at Phil and his gentle smile rea.s.sured me.

"I picked up a young lad once. He was called George, not even as old as you..."

It was Phils turn to touch me gently and rea.s.sure me that it was okay to talk.

"I ruthlessly seduced him."

Phil looked surprised at my choice of words.

"Yes, I ruthlessly seduced him," I repeated, letting the import of the words hang in the air for a moment.

"What happened?" Phil asked.

"I took him back to my flat and demanded service. When he wasnt very good at it, instead of gently telling him how to give me the pleasure I wanted, I did the most disrespectful thing Ive ever done....."

Phil sat there, saying nothing, but gently coaxed me with his eyes and gentle touch.

"I......", I began, but found it too hard to say at first.

As the realisation of what I had done engulfed me, my eyes started to moisten and tears started to roll down my nose and drip onto the floor.

"I.....wished.......," as I struggled to say it, I felt Phils hand at the small of my back rubbing my spine. It felt nice. I looked up at him with eyes full of tears.

"I wished he was someone else."

Phil just nodded and suddenly the words started to flow much more freely. Out poured the story of that night with a frankness and level of detail that I had withheld from John. I realised that I was letting Phil into my life, not just as a professional colleague but as my closest personal friend. I poured out my feelings to him for nearly 15 minutes. When I stopped, Phil started to talk again.

"Penny. Ive never talked to anyone, ever, about this kind of stuff."

"Never?" I asked.

"Never!" he reaffirmed.

When I thought about it, for all Johns openness, for all my closeness to Mike, neither of them had ever revealed to me how they felt about making love to a woman. When do men talk about this I wondered?

"Never?" I asked again.

He nodded more strongly.

"Never!" he said again.

"My G.o.d," I said after a pause. "What a thought!"

As we gathered ourselves up we noticed the cold coffees on the table.

"Im going to get us some more drinks," I said, drying my eyes. "Then, I have to tell you that I think Im going to be sacked."

Chapter 48.

The rest of the week was unsettling. After I had divulged to Phil what happened at the CIPD event, Phil confessed to me that hed been visited by Harry. At senior management levels, there was a growing interest in the dispute between Elona and Mike. Phil rea.s.sured me that whatever happened I would always have his respect. I told him he was too generous. I nearly screwed up completely for no other reason than my own prejudices. Phil berated me for being too hard on myself and said that I had come to terms with it more quickly and more fully than anyone else he had known. The way I changed my mind about Mike, and the care I had shown to Elona, mattered more to him than the prejudices I had initially displayed. It was this that gave him confidence in me.

I received my appraisal from Dave and there were no surprises. He had marked me down on most aspects of my performance and cited the handling of the dispute as the reason. Privately I knew that it had more to do with the way our relationship had turned sour. This was the beginning of the end. Jo had been kind and positive, as had Phil. Nevertheless, having briefed Dave and the other senior executives about the appraisal process, I quickly realised that my continued employment was problematic.

I took the matter into my own hands and visited Harry. I talked with him for nearly two hours, going over the issues that the appraisal had raised but avoiding the matter of Daves behaviour toward me. At the end of our meeting, he said he could make 'no promises which I took to mean that a decision had already been taken.

As I left his office, I suddenly realised something that had never occurred to me before. It is only by keeping someone in a post after they have made a mistake that a company can benefit from what they learn. The human resource policy capable of developing truly outstanding leaders is the one that allows people to learn from their mistakes. If our propensity to sack people, or demote them, goes unchecked then eventually a company loses the very people capable of forming a top-rate management team.

Intolerance toward failure removes the very people learning the most and those lucky enough to avoid it remain untouched. And so, a layer of new managers develops beneath them - a generation of sycophants and conformists who (having watched their own bosses fall from grace) learn not to take risks and never do anything that might lead to failure. As conformity and false consensus takes root, challenges to management behaviour, ideals, thoughts and actions slowly fades away. Managers stop facing on a daily basis - the impacts of their decisions, or any moral debate about their actions. Management failure is pa.s.sed down the line and before long senior managers start to wonder why 'no good people are coming through.

As I contemplated what would happen if I failed my probation, I felt in awe of the social forces that were a.s.sembling. Harry, perhaps, was about to make a corporate decision that would spark a major conflict. Maybe he would survive it, maybe not, but his isolation from what had taken place meant that people around him should have been urging caution. They should have been urging him to avoid acting precipitously.

I could see that matters were already spiralling out of control. Harry would act on what he knew. My two-hour conversation was a drop in the ocean compared to the tidal wave of advice and information sweeping across his desk from Dave and others who knew nothing of what had occurred. I was foolish to harbour any hope. I was tempted to return to Harrys office and say all this. Instead I returned to my office and trusted that my friends would be able to bring off their coup detat.

Chapter 49.