Friends Or Lovers Part 22

"Anyone I know?" he asked.

"No. Someone outside work. We discussed the situation hypothetically."

Even as I gave Phil this explanation, I felt a tinge of embarra.s.sment that I did not admit how completely wrong I had got things.

Why had I been so convinced that Elona was right and Mike wrong? Mike, if anything, had acted with remarkable restraint when I moved him to a new department. I took that as an indication of his guilt. It never crossed my mind for one second that he might actually be helping and protecting his accuser. In fact, he sacrificed his own interests to honour a promise to Elona. I had never met anybody willing to do that. It did not just add to my respect for him, it shamed me for the selfish way I conducted my life. In the pub, John said we only see what we are looking for. What an insight that is! I was only looking for things that confirmed Mikes guilt and Elonas innocence.

As I considered these thoughts, I reflected on my own behaviour. How many times had I taken the lead? Often. How many times had I made a pa.s.s at a man? I had lost count. I was a master at coaxing someone into making a pa.s.s and I suddenly realised how it is almost impossible for two people to get into an intimate situation without both parties actively considering a relationship.

In the past I had been hurt. My cavalier att.i.tude toward men, indeed my hostility toward them, was rooted in the pain of past rejection. Afterwards, I had judged all men harshly. It was only when I met John that I wanted to find a way out. My loneliness was largely a choice and not an accident or misfortune.

My fear of being intimate my fear of sharing thoughts and feelings began to fade when I met John. He taught me the value of being honest about my desires. My errors were born out of a desire to protect myself, to avoid the pain of rejection and avenge those who I thought were responsible. Can I forgive myself for not being perfect? Can I forgive myself for having fears? If shame and fear are the price of the warmth and desire I now feel, then it is a price worth paying. However imperfect, inconsistent, fearful and difficult they are, I want to know the people in my life better.

Phil waited patiently. Finally, I spoke.

"If he had not helped me understand my own prejudices, I might have been responsible for a tremendous injustice."

I saw Phils eyebrows quickly rise and fall and he tried to form some words.

"I can only speak for myself," he said. "You should take some credit. I may be young, but Im old enough to have seen people dig themselves into an early grave through bitterness."

I looked up at Phil.

"When did you become so wise?" I asked.

"We all have our cross to bear," he said with just a hint of sadness.

It was strange to sit in my office exchanging these views with a person who just a few days earlier I would not have credited with sufficient experience or wisdom to handle a dispute. In this moment, I felt young next to him, and wondered what else I might have missed. The humility did me good. He grew in stature before my eyes. Perhaps I had as much to learn from him as he from me.

"Phil," I said. "I need your help again."

"What did you have in mind?"

"Dyou remember that I asked you to find out about Mike a kind of necessary evil?"

"Yes."

"I did so because Dave led me to think Mike might become a problem."

Phil realised not only the extent to which I was about to take him into my confidence, but also the import of what I was about to suggest. I saw him momentarily shuffle uncomfortably.

"And now?" Phil asked.

"And now Im not sure who to believe," I responded.

"Are you suggesting what I think?" queried Phil.

"We need to find out whether theres a reason for Daves animosity."

"How?" Phil asked.

"Eyes and ears to the ground again. Not sure what else we can do because Ive no idea where to start."

"Okay. Ill see what I can find out."

This instant loyalty and acceptance of responsibility moved me so I felt it necessary to sound a note of caution.

"Phil," I said pointedly, "weve just poked around a number of peoples private lives and screwed them up. This isnt a seek and destroy mission, just a way to understand what happened."

"I understand," he replied.

"Theres one other thing," I added.

"Whats that?"

I swallowed hard at the thought of what I was about to say.

"I am starting to fancy Mike like crazy. Do you think Im mad?"

Phils face broke into a broad smile.

"Come on, what dyou think?" I asked with urgency.

"I think," Phil said with a momentary pause, "that he is old enough to be your father...."

"Oh!" I said, somewhat deflated, but Phil put up his hand to indicate that I should stop talking.

"...and that hes also one h.e.l.l of a lucky guy."

I was so chuffed that Phil said this that I was lost for words. Eventually, in a moment of blind instinct, I offered him my hand.

"Friends?" I said.

He took my hand and shook it firmly.

"Yes, of course!" he replied.

As I look back over my life now I can trace the start of my friendship with Phil to this meeting. The amount of goodwill that was generated between those four walls in a few minutes contributed to one of the best working partnerships I would ever have. It was a risk, much as John had taken a risk with me. The result would be one of the most enduring and loving relationships I would ever have.

Chapter 35.

Later in the afternoon, I returned to Legal to collect the contract for Mike. I found that Dave had still not signed it. I guessed that Dave must be too busy to deal with it, so I took the contract to Harry, the companys managing director, and explained the situation. I admitted my mistake, but also said that the proposed settlement would ward off the possibility of litigation and save the company money in the long run. I added that Mike was doing a good job establishing the new sales team and that any protracted dispute could have indirect costs that were unforeseeable. Harry accepted my comments with good grace.

"Quite a learning experience?" he asked.

"Youve no idea," I answered.

"I know we see each other infrequently, Penny, but Im a.s.sured by Dave that youve made quite a mark here."

"Thank you. Thats good to hear," I responded. Today was turning into a very good day indeed.

"Dont be afraid to drop in from time to time."

I swallowed quite hard when I heard this. Until now, I had only met Harry formally, but he was inviting me to be more informal with him. The flattery that I felt was considerable and I duly made the promise. He signed off the contract to rent the flat to Mike and called Legal to approve the pay settlement. I thanked him for his help and left his office feeling as though I had just grown wings and could fly.

My detour took me near to Jos office. I felt I should touch base with her over the comment Elona had made. I did not want gossip or rumour to spread. As I walked into her office I heard a voice that was familiar. A strange feeling came over me. Surely it could not be? But as I walked up to the door the voice was unmistakable. As I entered the room, presentation in full flow, John was outlining his thoughts on male and female consumer behaviour.

John noticed me at the back of the room and his face beamed.

"h.e.l.lo there!" he said with just a trace of a smile.

Everybody turned around to look at me and for a moment I felt quite embarra.s.sed.

"You know each other?" asked Jo.

I was not sure whether to admit to a close friendship in front of all the others, but if I had denied it then it would surely have shown in my face. My att.i.tude to mixing business and personal relationships was momentarily compromised.

"Yes," I answered, "We are good friends."

I could see Sally looking both pleased and surprised as she whispered something in the ear of a colleague. As I looked at John, our eyes connected just long enough for others to register that we were more than acquaintances. Tongues would probably wag, but there was little I could do.

"You are Jos new consultant, then?"

John looked at Jo.

"Jo and I are good friends too...," he replied, continuing the charade.

In my mind I wondered "how good?" but I resisted the temptation to ask. I imagine she was asking herself the same question about me.

"....weve worked on projects together and had some interesting results!"

The way he said 'interesting made both Jo and him laugh out loud.

"Okay everyone. Thats more or less it for today. See you all next Wednesday. Remember to bring in lots of magazines. Guys, youll need to bring some in yourself if you dont buy them normally, buy some this week. We are going to learn where different products are advertised and you are going to do some serious research about men and women! And dont forget to ask yourself 'what is the most s.e.xist thing about the army? Well touch on that again next time."

With these words, he shut down his laptop to signal the end of the meeting and walked over to greet me. Without batting an eyelid, he put his hand on my shoulders and kissed me on the cheek. For a second I wondered whether to chide him for creating the impression we were close, but his manner was so open and unaffected that he disarmed me. Mixed with surface irritation, however, was a deep pride that he acknowledged me so warmly. Not only did it make me feel special, it would probably do my social standing amongst the staff no harm at all.

"Well, this is a turn up, isnt it?"

"I guess it is," I responded.

"How are you fixed later?" asked John.

I thought for a moment and remembered my commitment to Mike.

"Helping Sally and Mike move him into a company flat!"

He turned to them both, smiled, and gave a thumbs-up sign.

"Things worked out, then?"

"Sure did!" and he immediately sensed the glint in my eye.

John leaned over and whispered into my ear.

"Watch out! h.e.l.l charm the pants off you before you know it!"

I laughed out loud, but John did not understand.

"Someone else said the same thing earlier!"

"Must be true then," he quipped. "Problem is that hes far too devoted to his wife!"

"Can a man be too devoted?" I joked.

"Sure if it leads him to deny himself the company of other interesting people."

"Arent you devoted to your wife?" I asked, with just a hint of playfulness.

"Yes, I am, but not so much that I would avoid your company, Penny."

His eyes had that glorious warmth that I had come to adore. I could have deliberately misunderstood him and read more into his words than was there, but an instinct told me not to. Sure he wanted to be close to me, but I was beginning to realise the limits of his commitment. I felt that his marriage, indeed his life, must be an endless juggling act. Reluctantly, I felt myself giving up any aspirations I had to seduce John and I comforted myself by looking forward to more fantasies.

"So whats going down with Mike, then?" I asked.

John took one look at me and twigged.

"You interested?"

I blushed. d.a.m.n it, why do I do that! His remark caught me so off-guard that for a moment I was angry with him. He immediately sensed this, and his tone changed in an instant.

"Penny," he said in a low voice and drawing me towards the corner of the room. "I would normally not say such a thing, but Mike is not just a nice man, hes a very nice man. Treat him well."

"I intend to," I said.

John smiled.

"I believe you will," he said with more confidence than I felt.

"What about Sally?" I asked. I thought there was no harm seeing if she was compet.i.tion.