Frank Fairlegh Part 46

"The tyrant will agree to that more willingly than to your first request. What do you think, Fairlegh," continued Ellis, appealing to me, "of his positively wanting to go out hunting?"

"And a very natural thing to wish too, I conceive," replied Harry; "but what do you think of his declaring that, if I did not faithfully promise I would not hunt this season, he would go into the stables and divide, what he called in his doctor's lingo, the _flexor metatarsi_ of every animal he found there, which, being interpreted, means neither more nor less than hamstring all the hunters."

"Well, that would be better than allowing you to do anything which might disturb the beautiful process of granulation going on in your side. I remember, when I was a student at Guy's----"

"Come, doctor, we positively cannot stand any more of your 'Chronicles of the Charnel-house' this morning; -311-- you have horrified Miss Fairlegh already to such a degree that she is going to run away. If I should stroll down here again in the afternoon, f.a.n.n.y, will you take compa.s.sion on me so far as to indulge me with a game of chess? I am going to send Frank on an expedition, and my father and Ellis are off to settle preliminaries with poor Mrs. Probehurt, so that I shall positively not have a creature to speak to. Reading excites me too much, and produces a state of---- What is it you call it, doctor?"

"I told you yesterday I thought you were going into a state of coma, when you fell asleep over that interesting paper of mine in the _Lancet_, 'Recollections of the Knife'; if that's what you call excitement," returned Ellis, laughing----

"Nonsense, Ellis, how absurd you are!" rejoined Oak-lands, half-amused and half-annoyed at Ellis's remark; "but you have not granted my request yet, f.a.n.n.y."

"I do not think we have any engagement--mamma will, I am sure, be very happy"--began f.a.n.n.y, with a degree of hesitation for which I could not account; but as I was afraid Oaklands might notice it, and attribute it to a want of cordiality, I hastened to interrupt her by exclaiming, "Mamma will be very happy--of course she will; and each and all of us are always only too happy to get you here, old fellow; it does one's heart good to see you beginning to look a little more like yourself again. If f.a.n.n.y's too idle to play chess, I'll take compa.s.sion upon you, and give you a thorough beating myself."

"There are two good and sufficient reasons why you will not do anything of the kind," replied Oaklands: "in the first place, while you have been reading mathematics, I have been studying chess; and I think that I may, without conceit, venture to p.r.o.nounce myself the better player of the two; and in the second place, as I told your sister just now, I am going to send you out on an expedition."

"To send me on an expedition!" repeated I--"may I be allowed to inquire its nature--where I am to go to--when I am to start--and all other equally essential particulars?"

"They are soon told," returned Oaklands. "I wrote a few days since to Lawless, asking him to come down for a week's hunting before the season should be over; and this morning I received the following characteristic answer: 'Dear Oaklands, a man who refuses a good offer is an a.s.s (unless he happens to have had a better one). Now, yours being the best offer down in my book -312-- at present, I say, "done, along with you, old fellow," thereby clearly proving that I am no a.s.s. Q. E. D.--eh? that's about the thing, isn't it? Now, look here, Jack Ba.s.set has asked me down to Storley Wood for a day's pheasant shooting on Tuesday: if you could contrive to send any kind of trap over about lunch-time, on Wednesday, I could have a second pop at the long-tails, and be with you in time for a half-past six o'clock feed as it is not more than ten miles from Storley to Heathfield. I wouldn't have troubled you to send for me, only the tandem's _hors de combat_. I was fool enough to lend it to m.u.f.fington Spoffkins to go and see his aunt one fine day. The horses finding a fresh hand on the reins, began pulling like steam-engines--m.u.f.fington could not hold them--consequently they bolted; and after running over two whole infant schools, and upsetting a retired grocer, they knocked the cart into "immortal smash" against a turnpike-gate, pitching Spoffkins into a horse-pond, with Shrimp a-top of him. It was a regular sell for all parties: I got my cart broken to pieces, Shrimp was all but drowned, and m.u.f.fington's aunt cut him off with a shilling, because the extirpated squadron of juveniles turned out, unfortunately, to have been a picked detachment of infantry from her own village. If you could send to meet me at the Feathers' public-house, which is just at the bottom of Storley great wood, it would be a mercy, for walking in cover doesn't suit my short legs, and I'm safe to be used up.--Remember us to Fairlegh and all inquiring friends, and believe me to remain, very heartily, yours, George Lawless.'"

"I comprehend," said I, as Oaklands finished reading the note, "you wish me to drive over this afternoon and fetch him: it will be a great deal better than merely sending a servant."

"Why, I had thought of going myself, but, 'pon my word, these sort of things are so much trouble--at least to me, I mean; and, though Lawless is a capital, excellent fellow, and I like him extremely, yet I know he'll talk about nothing but horses all the way home; and not being quite strong again yet, you've no notion how that kind of thing worries and tires me."

"Don't say another word about it, my dear Harry; I shall enjoy the drive uncommonly. What vehicle had I better take?"

"The phaeton, I think," replied Oaklands, "and then you can bring his luggage, and Shrimp, or any of his people he may have with him."

-313-- "So be it," returned I; "I'll walk back with you to the Hall, and then start as soon as you please.

CHAPTER XL -- LAWLESS'S MATINeE MUSICALE

"I was deep in my tradesmen's books, I'm afraid, But not in my own, by-the-by; And when rascally tailors came to be paid, There'll be time enough for that, said I."

--_Song--The Old Bachelor._

"Here's a knocking, indeed! Knock, knock, knock.

Who's there? Faith, here's an English tailor come hither.

----Come in, tailor---- Knock, knock. Never at quiet!

What are you? I had thought to have let in Some of all professions. Anon--anon."

--_Macbeth._

I SCARCELY know any excitement more agreeable than driving, on a fine frosty day, a pair of spirited horses, which demand the exercise of all one's coolness and skill to keep their fiery natures under proper control. Some accident had happened to one of Sir John's old phaeton horses, and Harry, who fancied that, as he was not allowed to use any violent exercise, driving would be an amus.e.m.e.nt to him, had taken the opportunity of replacing them by a magnificent pair of young, nearly thorough-bred chestnuts; and these were the steeds now entrusted to my guidance. Not being anxious, however, to emulate the fate of the unfortunate m.u.f.fington Spoffkins, I held them well in hand for the first three or four miles, and as they became used to their work, gradually allowed them to quicken their pace, till we were bowling along merrily at the rate of ten miles an hour.

A drive of about an hour and a quarter brought me within sight of the little roadside public-house appointed for my rendezvous with Lawless.

As I drew sufficiently near to distinguish figures, I perceived the gentleman in question scientifically and picturesquely attired in what might with great propriety be termed no end of a shooting jacket, inasmuch as its waist, being prolonged to a strange and unaccountable extent, had, as a necessary consequence, invaded the region of the skirt to a degree which reduced that appendage to the most absurd and infinitesimal proportions. This wonderful garment was -314-- composed of a fabric which Freddy Coleman, when he made its acquaintance some few days later, denominated the Mac Omnibus plaid, a gaudy _repertoire_ of colours, embracing all the tints of the rainbow, and a few more besides, and was further embellished by a plentiful supply of gent.'s sporting b.u.t.tons, which latter articles were not quite so large as cheese-plates, and represented in bas-relief a series of moving incidents by flood and field. His nether man exhibited a complicated arrangement of corduroys, leather gaiters and waterproof boots, which were, of course, wet through; while, to crown the whole, his head was adorned with one of those round felt hats, which exactly resemble a boiled apple-pudding, and are known by the sobriquet of "wide-awakes," "cos they av'n't got no _nap_ about 'em". A stout shooting pony was standing at the door of the ale-house, with a pair of panniers, containing a portmanteau and a gun-case, slung across its back, upon which was seated in triumph the mighty Shrimp, who seemed to possess the singular property of growing older, and nothing else; for, as well as one could judge by appearances, he had not increased an inch in stature since the first day of our acquaintance. His att.i.tude, as I drove up, was one which Hunt would have delighted to perpetuate. Perched on a kind of pack-saddle, his legs stretched so widely apart, by reason of the stout proportions of the pony, as to be nearly at right angles with his upper man, he "held aloft" (not a "snowy scarf," but) a pewter pot, nearly as large as himself, the contents of which he was transferring to his own throat, with an air of relish and _savoir faire_, which would have done credit to a seven-feet-high coalheaver. The group was completed by a gamekeeper, who, seated on a low wooden bench, was dividing some bread and cheese with a magnificent black retriever.

"By Jove! what splendid steppers!" was Lawless's exclamation as I drove up. "Now, that's what I call perfect action; high enough to look well, without battering the feet to pieces--the leg a little arched, and thrown out boldly--no fear of their putting down their pins in the same place they pick them up from. Ah!" he continued, for the first time observing me, "Fairlegh, how are you, old fellow? Slap-up cattle you've got there, and no mistake--belong to Sir John Oaklands, I suppose. Do you happen to know where he got hold of them?"

"Harry wanted a pair of phaeton horses, and the coachman recommended these," replied I; "but I've no idea where he heard of them."

-315-- "Rising five and six," continued Lawless, examining their mouths with deep interest; "no do there--the tush well up in one, and nicely through in the other, and the mark in the nippers just as it should be to correspond: own brothers, I'll bet a hundred pounds--good full eyes; small heads, well set on; slanting shoulders; legs as clean as a colt's; hoofs a _leetle_ small, but that's the breed. Whereabouts was the figure, did you hear?--five fifties never bought them, unless they were as cheap as dirt, eh?"

"That was about their price, if I remember correctly," replied I. "Harry thought it was too much to give; but Sir John, the moment he saw his son would like to have them, wrote the cheque, and paid for them on the spot." "Well, I'll give him all the money any day, if he's tired of his bargain," rejoined Lawless; "but we won't keep them standing now they're warm. Here, Shrimp, my greatcoat--get off that pony this instant, you luxurious young vagabond. Never saw such a boy in my life to ride as that is--if there is anything that can by possibility carry him, not a step will he stir on foot--doesn't believe legs were meant to walk with, it's my opinion. Why, this very morning, before they brought out the shooting pony, he got on the retriever; and he has such a seat too, that the dog could not throw him, till Ba.s.set thought of sending him into the water: he slipped off in double-quick time then, for he has had a regular hydrophobia upon him ever since his adventure in the horse-pond.

What, not down yet? I shall take a horsewhip to you, sir, directly."

Thus admonished, Shrimp, who had taken advantage of his master's preoccupation to finish the contents of the pewter pot, tossed the utensil to the gamekeeper, having previously attracted that individual's attention by exclaiming, in a tone of easy familiarity--"Look out, Leggings!"--then, as the man, taken by surprise, and having some difficulty in saving himself from a blow on the nose, allowed the pot to slip through his hands, Shrimp continued, "Catch it, clumsy! veil, I never--now mind, if you've gone and b.u.mped it, it's your own doing, and you pays for dilapidations, as ve calls 'em at Cambridge. Coming, sir--d'rec'ly, sir--yes, sir." So saying, he slipped down the pony's shoulder, shook himself to set his dress in order as soon as he reached terra firma, and unbuckling Lawless's driving coat, which was fastened round his waist by a broad strap, jumped upon a horse-block, and held out the garment at arm's length for -316-- his master to put on. The gun-case and carpet-bag were then transferred from the pony to the phaeton, and, resigning the reins to Lawless, who I knew would be miserable unless he were allowed to drive, we started. Shrimp being installed in the hind seat, where, folding his arms, he leaned back, favouring us with a glance which seemed to say, "You may proceed, I am quite comfortable".

"It was about time for me to take an affectionate farewell of Alma Mater," observed Lawless, after he had criticised and admired the horses afresh, and at such length, that I could not help smiling at the fulfilment of Oaklands' prediction--"it was about time for me to be off, for the duns were becoming rather too particular in their attentions. I got a precious fright the other day, I can tell you. I was fool enough to pay two or three bills, and that gave the rest of the fellows a notion that I was about to bolt, I suppose, for one morning I was regularly besieged by them. I taught them a trick or two, though, before I had done with them: they won't forget me in a hurry, I expect."

"Indeed! and how did you contrive to fix yourself so indelibly in their recollections?" asked I.

"Eh! 'though lost to sight, to memory _dear_'--rather that style of thing, you know. So you want to hear all about it, eh? Well, it was a good lark, I must say; I was telling it to Ba.s.set last night, and it nearly killed him. I don't know whether you have seen him lately, but he's grown horribly fat. He has taken to rearing prize bullocks, and I think he has caught it of 'em; rides sixteen stone, if he rides a pound.

I tell him he'll break his neck some of these days, if he chooses to go on hunting--the horses can't stand it. However, he went into such fits of laughter when I told him about it, that he got quite black in the face, and I rang the bell, and swore he was in an apoplexy, but the servant seemed used to the sort of thing, and brought him a jug of beer, which resuscitated him. Well, to return to my mutton, as the Mounseers have it--the very day I intended to leave Cambridge, Shrimp came in while I was breakfasting, with a great coa.r.s.e-looking letter in his hand.

"'Please, sir, Mr. Pigskin has called with his little account, and would be very glad if you could let him have the money.'

"Pleasant, thinks I. 'Here, boy, let's have a look at this precious little account--hum! ha! hunting-saddle, gag-bit for Lamplighter, head-piece and reins to ditto, -317--"racing-saddle for chestnut mare,'

etc., etc., etc.; a horrid affair as long as my arm--total 96 18s. 2d.; and the blackguard had charged everything half as much again as he had told me when I ordered it. Still, I thought I'd pay the fellow, and have done with him, if I had got tin enough left; so I told Shrimp to show him into the rooms of a man who lived over me, but was away at the time, and there let him wait. Lo! and behold! when I came to look about the tin, I found that, instead of having ninety pounds at the banker's, I had overdrawn my account some hundred pounds or more; so that paying was quite out of the question, and I was just going to ring the bell, and beg Mr. Pigskin to call again in a day or two, by which time I should have been 'over the hills and far away,' when Shrimp made his appearance.

"'Please, sir, there's ever so many more gents called for their money.

There's Mr. Flanker, the whipmaker, and Mr. Smokem, from the cigar-shop, and Trotter, the bootmaker, and--yes, sir, there's a young man from Mr.

Tinsel, the jeweller: and, oh! a load more of 'em, if you please, sir.'

"This was agreeable, certainly; what to be at I didn't know, when suddenly a bright idea came across me.

"'What have you done with 'em?' asked I.

"'Put 'em all into Mr. Skulker's rooms, sir.'

"'That's the ticket,' said I. 'Now, listen to me. Look out, and see if there are any more coming;--if there are, show 'em up to the others; take 'em a couple of bottles of wine and some gla.s.ses, and tell them I must beg them to wait a quarter of an hour or so, while I look over their bills; and as soon as the room is full, come and tell me.'

"In about ten minutes Shrimp reported that he could not see any more coming, and that he thought 'all the gents I dealt with was upstairs'.

"'That's the time of day!' exclaimed I, and taking out the key of the room, which Skulker had left with me, in case I might like to put a friend to sleep there, I slipped off my shoes, and creeping upstairs as softly as possible, I locked the door. 'Now then, Shrimp,' said I, 'run and fetch me some good stout screws, a gimblet and a screwdriver.' He was not long getting them, and in less than five minutes I had them all screwed in as fast as if they had been in their coffins, for they were kicking up such a row over their wine that they never heard me at work.

Well, as soon as I had bagged my game, Shrimp and I packed up the traps and sent them to the coach-office--found a coach about to start in half an hour, booked -318-- myself for the box, and then strolled back to see how the caged birds were getting on. By this time they had come to a sense of their 'sitivation,' and were hammering away, and swearing, and going on like troopers; but all to no purpose, for the door was a famous strong one, and they had no means of breaking it open. Well, after I had had a good laugh at the row they were making, I tapped at the door, and 'discoursed' 'em, as Paddy calls it. I told them that I was so much shocked by the want of consideration, and proper feeling, and all that sort of thing, which they had shown, in coming and besieging me as they had done, that I felt it was a duty I owed to society at large, and to themselves in particular, to read them a severe lesson; therefore, on mature deliberation, I had sentenced them to imprisonment for the term of one hour, and to wait for their money till such time as I should further decree, which I begged to a.s.sure them would not be until I might find it perfectly convenient to myself to pay them; and I wound up by telling them to make themselves quite at home, entreating them not to fatigue themselves by trying to get out, for that they had not a chance of succeeding; inquiring whether they had any commands for London, and wishing them a very affectionate farewell for some time to come. And then down I ran, leaving them roaring and bellowing like so many mad bulls--got to the office just in time, and tipping the coachman, drove three parts of the way to town, feeling as jolly as if I had won a thousand pounds on the Derby."

"And what became of the locked-up tradesmen?" inquired I.

"Oh! why they stayed there above two hours before anybody let them out, amusing themselves by smashing the windows, breaking the furniture to pieces (one of them was an upholsterer, and had an eye to business, I dare say), and kicking all the paint off the door. However, I have written to Skulker, to get it all set to rights, and send me the bill, so no harm's done--it will teach those fellows a lesson they won't forget in a hurry, and the next time they wish to bully a Cantab, they'll recollect my little '_Matinee musicale,_' as I call it. Oh! they made a sweet row, I can a.s.sure you, sir."

The chestnuts trotted merrily on their homeward journey, and the n.o.ble oaks of Heathfield Park, their leafless branches pointing like giant arms to the cold blue sky above them, soon came in sight.

"You are a great deal too early for dinner, Lawless," -319-- said I, as we drove up; "suppose you walk down to our cottage, and let me introduce you to my mother and sister; you'll find Oaklands there most likely, for he talked of going to play chess."

"Eh! your mother and sister! by Jove, I never thought of them; I declare I had forgotten there were any ladies in the case--I can't go near them in this pickle, I'm all over mud and pheasant feathers, they'll take me for a native of the Sandwich Islands, one of the boys that cooked Captain Cook--precious tough work they must have had to get their teeth through him, for he was no chicken; I wonder how they trussed him, poor old beggar. No! I'll make myself a little more like a Christian, and then I'll come down and be introduced to them if it's necessary, but I shall not be able to say half a dozen words to them: it's a fact, I never can talk to a woman, except that girl at old Coleman's hop, Di Clapperton; she went the pace with me, and no mistake. By the way, how's the other young woman, Miss Clara Sav----"