Forgiving Hearts: For Better or Worse Part 19

"I don't know."

"And this Mitch.e.l.l person, the guy I was...was living with, came to see me once and then skipped town when he realized I didn't remember him. Did he expect you to take care of me?"

"I don't know what he expected, but I was going to take care of you regardless."

"You wanted to take care of me? After what I did to you?"

"You're my wife," he said quietly.

With a strangled cry, she collapsed against his chest. Through the agonized sobs that racked her body, she heard his voice uttering soothing noises in her ear and felt his hands gently rubbing her back. She thought back over the last few days, examining his actions in light of what she knew now. Jackson's behavior baffled her. How could he stand to be anywhere near her?

All of this had been pushed on him. What would have happened if he hadn't stepped in and taken her home? Was he only waiting for her memory to return? Did he expect and want her to go back to Mitch.e.l.l? A shudder went through her. She might not remember the past, but she knew she didn't want to leave Jackson. Fear welled up inside her. How could she convince him to let her stay with him? And what would she do if she failed?

Jackson looked down at the sleeping woman in his arms, the evidence of tears still marking her face. She cried so hard and for so long, he'd begun to be afraid. Not sure what to do, he'd rocked her in his arms until the sobs gradually subsided, and she fell into an exhausted slumber.

He had caused this. He should have realized she was in too fragile a state to be told the truth. He'd destroyed her illusions without giving her anything to put in their place. Not once had he told her the most important thing that he loved her. Was it too late? Would she believe him?

He was pulling a pan of m.u.f.fins out of the oven when he sensed he wasn't alone. Turning around, he saw Hannah standing in the doorway.

"I'm sorry for crying all over you last night."

Jackson slid the oven mitts off his hands. "I should be apologizing to you. It was too soon to tell you anything."

"I needed to know even if I didn't like what I heard." She walked over and leaned against the counter, pulling her robe tightly around her. "Where did I meet Mitch.e.l.l?"

"He grew up with us in Cochran. You were involved with him long before you married me."

The silence that greeted this statement went on for a long time. "At least now you don't have to pretend."

"Who says I'm pretending?" he asked softly.

She threw her hands in the air. "You have to be. You can't possibly still care about me."

He closed the distance between them. "Didn't you learn anything from those letters? You've had me wrapped around your finger since we were five years old."

"Please don't joke about it."

His fingers slid down the side of her face. "Do I look like I'm joking? Like I told you before, I'll love you forever."

"I don't understand you," she whispered.

"What's so hard to understand? G.o.d gave us the greatest example of love when He sent Jesus to die for our sins. He also gave us the capacity to love as He does. Humans reduce it to a shallow emotion swayed by every wind of adversity or make it dependent on how one's treated in return. Love is the one thing that should endure in spite of everything else."

"Not many people can love like that, Jackson."

He smiled faintly. "It's not that they can't do it. Not many people want to love like that. True love comes with a heavy cost, and there's no guarantee that the investment will ever pay dividends. Would you like a pumpkin-chocolate chip m.u.f.fin?"

A faint smile tugged at her lips. "Do you always try to change the subject?"

"Only when I'm hungry." He handed her a m.u.f.fin. "What about coffee?"

"Yes, thank you." She took the m.u.f.fin and sat down at the table. After he joined her, she looked his way again. "I should have asked this before. What have you told Sophia?"

"Only that you're coming to stay for a while."

"Aren't you afraid it will hurt her to see me?"

"It won't hurt her to see you; it will only hurt her if you leave."

Hannah slowly peeled the paper liner from the m.u.f.fin. "When I leave is up to you, isn't it?"

"No, it's always been your decision."

"Will she remember me?"

"I'm not sure what she remembers, but you're not a stranger to her. You don't have to worry about that. She loves you already."

"She loves the image you've created for her. I hope the real thing won't be a disappointment."

He smiled wistfully. "Children accept us for who we are. They have no preconceived notions or unreasonable conditions."

"My being here could mess up everything. Have you considered that?"

"Yes, but at the same time, I can't deprive Sophia of something she needs. A father can be many things, but he can't be a mother."

"You've treated me with more consideration than I deserve. Thank you, Jackson."

He shrugged. "It's important for Sophia to know her mother. When we're done here, I thought we could look through some pictures. It might help jog your memory."

She grimaced. "I'm not sure I want to remember anything else."

"The only way forward is through the past."

Hannah found the thought of meeting her daughter both exciting and daunting. Naturally it would take time for Sophia to get used to her again, but even this had been made easier for her by Jackson. By keeping Hannah in Sophia's life through conversation and photos, he'd done everything in his power to lessen the loss the child might have otherwise experienced. He hadn't wanted Sophia to grow up with the knowledge that she'd been deserted.

His actions in that regard didn't surprise her. His behavior throughout this strange episode was proof that he didn't act spitefully or put his own interests ahead of others. Jackson was good at protecting the people he loved. Hannah had repaid his thoughtful and caring nature with the cruelest form of disloyalty.

Her sudden and unexpected return had once again disrupted his life. At a time when she was the most defenseless, he hadn't uttered a single word of blame. He hadn't hurled insults at her or called into question her suitability as a mother. He hadn't pointed out what an adulterous wife she'd been. Instead of ridicule and contempt, he'd shown her kindness and compa.s.sion.

Hannah almost wished he hadn't. It didn't matter that she had no memory of what drove her to leave her family or even the man she'd gone to be with. She deserved to feel Jackson's rejection; to hear it in his voice, to see it in his face. Didn't he realize she was unworthy of his love?

Her thoughts went back to those pictures on the refrigerator. How could he bear to look at the woman who left him every time he stepped into the kitchen? Didn't it constantly rub salt in the wound? Somehow he'd found a way to put aside his anger and resentment. Such tenacity and resolve amazed her and yet it went along with everything she'd learned about him.

If only she could remember what brought her back. It wouldn't undo the past, but it could mean she'd finally come to her senses. She wanted to believe that she'd made a conscious decision to leave Mitch.e.l.l before the accident before amnesia cured her of whatever hold he had on her. If he did show his face again, he was in for a surprise. She wasn't budging from here unless Jackson threw her out.

Her eyes lifted from the magazine on her lap and looked in the direction of the kitchen. Jackson was pacing the floor while he talked on the phone. She didn't understand how he could love her, but she knew he did. His love shown out of his eyes, was present in his voice, and reached out to embrace her in everything he did. And she could feel herself responding to him like a plant does to the warm rays of the sun.

What had their life together been like before she left? If it was true that she loved Mitch.e.l.l, why had she married Jackson? And what would have made him willing to marry her? Her glance slid over to the framed picture of Sophia and her eyes narrowed. Hadn't Jackson said they'd been married four years?

He strolled back into the room with an apologetic smile. "Sorry that took so long."

"That's okay." She watched him sit down and cross his legs at the ankles. "Was I pregnant when we got married?" His instinctive jerk told her she was right. How had she managed to do so many things wrong? "That explains a lot."

One eyebrow lifted. "What does it explain?"

"My general tendency to do everything backwards." She stopped and looked at him. "How in the world did I talk you into something like that?"

The other eyebrow joined the first. "You're a little confused, but I'm not sure it's important enough to worry about right now."

Hannah ignored this. She was determined to get him to answer her. "Of course it's important. This is actually starting to make sense to me. You've got to stop protecting me from the truth. I promise I won't lose it like I did last night." When he still said nothing, she sighed heavily. "Your silence tells me all I need to know."

"I'm not sure what I answered."

"Mitch.e.l.l is Sophia's biological father, isn't he?" She stopped for a minute as if trying to take it in. "Nothing is like I thought it was. It's like I'm stuck in some sort of nightmare where everything keeps getting worse and worse."

He put his arm around her. "I know, and I'm sorry."

Hannah lay quiet against him for a few minutes and then, "Jackson?"

"Hmm?"

"You won't do anything rash, will you?"

He laughed. "Like what?"

"Send me back to Mitch.e.l.l."

Jackson tilted up her chin and waited for her to look at him. "Why would you think that?"

"Because that's what I deserve."

Jackson felt her fear as easily as if it was his own, and he hated that more unpleasant truths awaited Hannah. He also knew that any future they had together depended on her knowing everything.

"I would never send you away."

Hannah touched the ring on his finger. "Do you really have my ring or did you just tell me that to keep me from getting upset?"

"I have it."

"Will you ever let me wear it again?"

"It's not a matter of me letting you wear it. It's whether you want to wear it." He stood up and held out his hand. "Come with me."

She followed him down the hall, but stopped outside his room. "Jackson, did you ever sleep in my room?"

"No, but..." he didn't get any further.

Her hands flew to her cheeks as a tide of color washed over her face. "So we've never... Why kind of person was I?"

He gently pulled her hands away. "You didn't let me finish. We didn't marry for the usual reasons. It would have been wrong for me to take advantage of you in that way, especially when I knew you loved Mitch.e.l.l."

She could hardly look at him. "That doesn't make it any better. If you don't mind, I'd like to be alone for a while."

"I'll leave you alone, but hear me out first. You're taking too much blame on yourself. We agreed to marry for Sophia's sake. You thought of us as friends, and I let you believe that was all we were. You had no idea that I loved you until much later. You were upset about it then, and you're upset about it now. In both instances, the fault is mine."

Hannah took a few steps away from him and then turned around. "Tell me something. Exactly what did you get out of this marriage?"

"I got the opportunity to be with the two most important people to me in the world: you and Sophia."

"At least one of us didn't let you down."

Jackson woke to the sound of Freya whining at the door. Getting out of bed, he heard the sc.r.a.pe of a chair against the tiled floor of the kitchen. Hannah was up. In spite of his doubts about the situation, his heartbeats quickened. Annoyed with a reaction he felt to be ridiculous given the circ.u.mstances, he stalked into the bathroom.

"How many more times do we have to have this discussion?" he addressed the tired face in the mirror. Freya barked from her position at the door. "I wasn't talking to you, Miss Sunshine. You didn't even attempt to play hard to get. One touch of her hand, and you were purring like a kitten. I don't have that luxury."

After getting dressed, he took a deep breath and left his room. Freya ran ahead of him. He limped into the kitchen in time to see Hannah kiss Freya's head. Why can't it be that simple for me? Biting his lip, he called the dog over and put her outside.

"I hope you don't mind," Hannah said softly. "I made the coffee."

"Why would I mind? You always did make it better than me." Instead of joining her at the table, he leaned against the counter. Distance was a good thing; it kept his crazy impulses in check.

"I had a bagel," she said after a few seconds. "Do you want one?"

"No, thanks. I'll not all that hungry, to tell you the truth."

"From what I've seen, that's a rarity."

Jackson laughed. "Can't deny it. I do enjoy eating."

She shifted her chair to the side so she could look at him. "It just occurred to me that you've been off work since I came home. When do you go back?"

"Getting tired of me already?"

A pretty blush entered her cheeks. "No, I like having you here. I've been wondering what I'm going to do when you're not."

"You'll find plenty of things to keep you busy. You'll have Sophia and don't forget Laurel is just down the street. I know everything is strange right now, but you'll get used to it."

"I know that, but it's not the same. I feel better when you're around."

She said that to him before and then she left him to be with Mitch.e.l.l. Was history going to repeat itself?