Forgiving Hearts: For Better or Worse Part 18

"I'm okay, Jackson. Really." She pointed to the books on the coffee table. "Someone likes to read mysteries."

Jackson laughed. "My dad introduced me to the Hardy Boys, and it took off from there."

"You promised me another story. It's been two days since I had one."

"Before I get started, can I get you anything?"

"No, thank you."

He sat down and stretched out his legs. "My last letter was about you sharing a peanut b.u.t.ter sandwich with me. Anyone willing to give up their food was worthy of my deepest regard. I had also shown that I could, in certain circ.u.mstances, speak in your presence. Unfortunately for my newfound courage, you were transferred to another cla.s.sroom, and I didn't see you as often.

"A few years later, our school sponsored a skate night at the local rink. I didn't want to go because I thought skating was lame. My father promised me a camping trip if I would agree to take my younger sister Molly. What I didn't realize until after I arrived was that Molly didn't know how to skate.

"In my mind, there was nothing worse than being seen by everyone skating with my six-year-old sister. And it wasn't as if we could blend in; we were moving so slowly, it was impossible not to notice us. The only time I could get Molly off the floor was when they had the couples' only skates. The lights would dim, and they turned on one of those silver b.a.l.l.s that sent out colored lights all over the floor and walls. To further set the romantic mood, they played the latest love songs. I'd never seen anything like it.

"During one of those breaks when I sat in a corner with Molly trying to hide from my friends, I noticed a familiar profile. You were in the middle of the rink with a boy I didn't recognize. He had his hands on your waist and your arms were around his neck. I couldn't take my eyes off you or him. Suddenly, skating didn't seem lame at all. For the first time in my life, I felt the pangs of jealousy. I wanted so badly to be the one out there with you.

"Unfortunately, I couldn't do anything about it. My parents had told me to watch Molly. How could I do that if I was out on the floor staring into your eyes? I fumed and fussed, but in the end, I knew I wasn't going to be skating with anyone but my sister.

"There was, however, one bright spot in the evening. During one of those endless love songs, the boy you'd skated with all night missed his footing and fell down. I knew it wasn't right, but I couldn't stop smiling. I felt bad about it later because I knew in my heart my problem wasn't with him. I was upset with myself for getting worked up over a girl. Little did I realize how many more times that was going to happen."

Hannah reached over and touched his arm. "I'm growing impatient with my younger self. When did I finally wake up and fall in love with you?"

How did he answer that? He put his hand over hers. "That's a story for another time."

She sighed gently. "It must be tedious having to tell your wife her entire life story. In some ways, this is so much worse for you. You know what we had and can regret the loss of our relationship more keenly."

He also knew what they hadn't had. "Don't worry about that, Hannah. Everything will become clearer in time. If you don't mind me leaving you for a minute, I'll go get the mail and then I think we'll be ready for dinner."

As he walked back into the house, he saw Hannah disappear through the back door. Curiosity took him to the window. He watched as the woman he never expected to see again got reacquainted with the dog that still went to the door of her room every night and whined. Not wanting to intrude, he opened the freezer and removed a container of chili he'd made earlier in the week. By the time Hannah joined him, the table was set and he was pouring iced tea into gla.s.ses.

"Hmm. Something smells good."

"It's my version of the Steadman family chili. Have a seat."

Jackson placed a bowl in front of her and went to get the shredded cheese out of the refrigerator. "Do you want crackers?" he asked.

"Sure, why not?"

After he sat down, he bowed his head and prayed. "Father, thank You for the meal You've provided and for the wonderful blessing of having Hannah back in this house. In Jesus' name, amen."

She reached for her gla.s.s and then looked at him. "Freya. The dog's name is Freya."

Jackson carefully swallowed the cracker in his mouth and tried not to overreact to her comment. "You're right."

Hannah played with the napkin on her lap. "I don't know why I can remember that, but can't remember living here."

Probably because she hadn't lived here in a long time. "Don't dwell on that; think of this process as taking baby steps."

After a few minutes of silence, he looked up to find her watching him. She quickly dropped her eyes to her food, a blush entering her face. A twinge of guilt ran through him. This was so unfair to her. The longer he stayed silent, the more difficult it would be for her to hear the truth.

"This chili is delicious," she said in a low voice.

He smiled, hoping to put her at ease. "Thank you. I had to tone down the recipe when Sophia came along. She doesn't like spicy food."

"You certainly know your way around the kitchen. It's strange; I know I can cook, but I can't remember doing it. Did you do most of the cooking?"

Another difficult question. "Not really; it was about fifty-fifty, I guess."

"What do you do, Jackson? As a profession, I mean?"

"I'm a physical therapist at Hollis Clinic. Colton works there, too."

"I like Laurel and Dr. Samuels. They've been so nice to me."

Jackson stood up and took his bowl to the sink. This was so much harder than he imagined, and it wasn't helping that he couldn't relax. He could hear her moving around behind him as he loaded the dishwasher. When he couldn't stand it any longer, he turned around to see what had captured her attention.

Hannah was looking at the pictures on the refrigerator. Most of them were of Sophia in various stages of childhood. The others were of family members and the children of friends. There were also a few of Hannah and Sophia taken before she left.

When he saw her wiping her eyes, he felt all the air leave his lungs. How was he going to tell her that everything she was thinking was a lie? She was waiting for a romantic tale of two friends falling in love, but had no idea how little Jackson figured in that story.

Hannah lay in bed watching a beam of moonlight slowly make its way across the ceiling. She was tired, but sleep had been strangely elusive. Why was she so restless? She should be relieved that Jackson seemed to understand she needed time to get used to him and didn't expect her to jump in bed with him. On the other hand, she was surprised to find herself sleeping alone. Didn't he want to be with her? Or was he finding this situation as peculiar as she was?

Throwing off the duvet, she turned on the light and slipped out of bed. After a few seconds of indecision, she walked over to the closet and opened the sliding doors. She ran her hand over the a.s.sortment of clothes. The sheer number of items blew her mind. Did one woman need this many clothes? Some of them still had the tags attached.

The absence of Jackson's clothes puzzled her. Why had he moved all of his things out of the room? Was it because he wanted to make her feel more at ease? Another thought slipped unbidden into her mind. Had they been having problems before her accident?

With a tired sigh, Hannah sank down on the bed and pressed fingers to her throbbing temples. She couldn't get rid of the feeling that all wasn't as it seemed. The same light-headed feeling that seized her earlier settled on her again. She fell back against the pillows and closed her eyes. Pictures of unknown places flashed through her tired brain.

As quickly as the visions materialized, they vanished, leaving her covered in perspiration. Over the pounding of her heart, she heard Jackson calling to her. She got up and opened the door.

"I saw your light on. Is anything wrong?"

"I couldn't sleep." When she realized he was still dressed, she asked, "Haven't you been to bed?"

"Not yet. I was reading in the living room."

She wasn't the only one who couldn't sleep.

"You need to get back in bed, Hannah. You shouldn't be walking around in that thin gown." As if to prove his words, a shiver coursed through her. He steered her back to the bed. As he turned to go, she clamped her fingers around his wrist.

"Could you stay with me for a while?" She heard his swiftly indrawn breath. Why had she put him on the spot? If he wanted to be in there with her, he wouldn't be sleeping in the guestroom.

"Sure, if you want me to."

Hannah moved over to make room for him. After a slight hesitation, he got in bed beside her. She smiled uncertainly, wishing she hadn't said anything. "I'm sorry for being so silly."

"You're not being silly at all," he said slowly. "I'm amazed at how well you've handled everything."

"Did you ever get to skate with me?"

Jackson chuckled at the direction of her thoughts. "No, I didn't. The accident that left me with these scars also messed up my right leg. That pretty much ended my skating days as well as my boyish fantasy of being able to impress you. I had to settle for worshipping you from afar. I fell into a sort of puppy love stage after I watched you hit a home run over the right field fence to win the state championship. By the time I got to high school, I knew I'd never get over you." For a few seconds, there was silence and then he heard a small sniff. "Are you crying?"

She nodded and sniffed again. "I can't help it. It's so sad."

Pulling up the sheet, he dried her tears. "Why is it sad?"

"I can't help thinking about all the years you liked me, and I didn't know. I hope I was never unkind to you."

"In order to be unkind to someone, you have to be more aware of their existence."

Hannah shifted so she could look at him. "This is when not remembering is the most frustrating. I want to know what I thought about you then."

Again he laughed. "I think we can make a pretty good guess. I was just a guy that lived down the street."

"So we didn't date in high school?"

"Not in college, either."

"You waited a long time for me. I hope I was worth it."

He smiled gently. "I wouldn't trade a single second of my time with you."

"Even now? With all this stuff going on?" she asked softly.

"Especially right now."

She leaned her head against his shoulder. "I have so much to make up for."

"Shh. Close your eyes and go to sleep."

"If I do, you'll leave, and I don't want you to go."

His whispered words reached her ears. "I'll never leave you, Hannah. As long as you need me, I'll be here."

Chapter Nine.

Jackson slid out of bed, his bad leg protesting the movement. At the door, he glanced over his shoulder at the woman who'd wound herself more tightly around his heart. Hannah was home again, but in many ways she was as far away from him as before. Until he knew why she came back, he couldn't afford to read too much into her actions toward him. It was natural that in her present state she would be lonely and afraid. Those were the reasons she wanted him with her. Who else could she turn to but him?

His mind replayed the last few hours in painstaking detail, reminding him of the scent of her skin, the silkiness of her hair, and the sheer delight of holding her in his arms. It was a stark contrast to his state-of-mind earlier in the evening when he'd been nervous and on edge, waiting for her to remember the things that would tear them apart. What was he going to do?

As he pa.s.sed through the living room, he caught sight of the open Bible on the couch. "I can't do this alone, Lord," he said in a low voice. "I need Your strength and wisdom to get through this."

He'd only been asleep a short time when he heard the screams. Terrified, he jumped out of bed and ran down the hallway to Hannah's room. He found her sitting up, her eyes staring unseeingly at the wall. Not sure if she was fully awake, he approached her slowly.

"Hannah," he called softly. "It's me, Jackson."

Her eyes flickered and a shudder went through her. "I was in a black and gold room. The other man from the hospital was there."

Jackson ignored the stab of pain that sliced through him. This wasn't anything he hadn't expected. He knew she would remember Mitch.e.l.l first. He sat down beside her and took her trembling hands into his. "It's okay, darling. You're safe now."

"It was awful. He was holding me and kissing me."

For her sake, he had to be calm. He couldn't let her see how much her words hurt him. "Mitch.e.l.l was your boyfriend, Hannah. It's natural that he would be kissing you." He realized he'd used the past tense when referring to Mitch.e.l.l's relationship with Hannah. Wasn't he just making it harder on both of them? At some point, she would have to know how matters stood between them.

She turned to look at him. "That's what he told me, but I didn't believe him." Her lips started to shake. "I don't want to remember him; I want to remember you."

Only because she thinks she's a happily married woman. The situation was becoming more and more complicated, and this was only the beginning. How was he going to do this? "You will; give yourself a chance."

"It's taking too long," she complained. "I want to know now."

He tucked the loose strands of hair behind her ear. "It's been a week. You're going to have to cultivate some patience."

"That's easy for you to say. I'm tired of being in the dark. Is there something you're not telling me?"

"Why do you think that?"

"From looking around this room. There's nothing in here that belongs to you. A man in love with his wife doesn't move out of their bedroom. Unless something she did forced him there."

Jackson ran his fingers through his hair. "That's not true, Hannah. There are many reasons for such arrangements. I'm not sure this is the best time to talk about it."

"Please, Jackson. It's bad enough that I can't remember what happened. Let's not make it worse by clouding my mind with wrong a.s.sumptions and half-truths."

Hannah watched Jackson's face change from uncertainty to resignation. Whatever he was going to tell her would probably end the idyllic fantasies she'd been weaving the last few days, but it would also give their relationship a reference point for the future. They couldn't solve whatever problems they were experiencing if only one of them knew the circ.u.mstances that had brought them here. Surely the mistakes they'd made weren't so permanent that they couldn't be overcome. There had to be a way to repair their marriage.

"You weren't living here before the accident. For the last two years, you've been with Mitch.e.l.l."

"You've been with Mitch.e.l.l." His words bounced off the walls of her mind. Then her face paled alarmingly as the full implications of his statement became clear. "I left you and Sophia?" she asked in a whisper.

Jackson nodded slowly.

Hannah's fingers dug into the blanket. "You hadn't seen me in all that time until I showed up at the hospital?"

"Well, you did come back once to see Sophia."

It was so much worse than she imagined. Now she understood why Jackson didn't want to be in this room with her. She'd left him to raise their daughter alone. He probably didn't even want her in the house, but the amnesia forced him to take her in.

"Why was I here?"