Forgiving Hearts: For Better or Worse Part 12

"Have you heard from her lately?"

He sighed deeply. "I got a text from her a few months ago hinting that she might come to see Sophia. She's done that so many times and failed to show that I don't get excited anymore. I've even had the uncharitable thought that she does it on purpose to torture me."

"I'm so sorry, Jackson. Believe me, I know what it's like to be alone. It's a dark place, and it's easy to become bitter and resentful. The good news is that no situation is beyond G.o.d's help. Colton and I are living proof of that."

"Your experience has been an inspiration to me, but it's hard to stay positive sometimes. I understand Hannah's reason for leaving me, but how can she live apart from her daughter?"

"Maybe she thought Sophia would have a better life with you."

"Well, I've certainly had a better life with Sophia."

"That could have been another reason she did it."

In his low moments, Jackson tried to tell himself the same thing. It was a rather futile attempt to justify Hannah's actions and at the same time prove she possessed some positive feelings for him. Nothing close to love, of course. He knew he'd never have that. "In the meantime, thank you for tomorrow. It's difficult for me to get off work at such short notice."

"I'm married to a doctor, remember. I know all about trying to cancel patients at the last minute. I'll see you in the morning."

"Goodbye, Laurel." Laying the phone on the table, he resumed his efforts to get Casey's arms into her dress. Once that was done, he turned to Sophia. "Time for bed, pumpkin. We need to brush your teeth, and then you can pick out a book to read."

Not quite an hour later, Jackson closed the book and slid Sophia off his lap. She went across to her bed and knelt down. Glancing back, she patted the ground beside her. This simple gesture was so reminiscent of Hannah that Jackson winced. How could a little girl who barely remembered her mother be so much like her? A childish voice broke into his thoughts.

"Come on, Daddy. Jesus is waiting."

Jackson knelt down next to her. "Okay, you can pray now."

"Dear Jesus, thank You for my daddy and Freya. I'm sorry I didn't make my bed this morning or finish that yucky oatmeal Daddy asked me to eat. Take care of my mommy and tell her that me and Daddy miss her. Amen."

She climbed into bed and giggled when Jackson pulled the blanket over her head. He drew it down to her chest and bent to kiss her.

"I love you, Sophia."

Tiny arms snaked around his neck. "I love you, too, Daddy."

Jackson opened the kitchen door to let Freya outside one last time before he went to bed. "Don't take all night. I've got to be up in six hours."

He watched through the window as his faithful but naughty dog hit every puddle still remaining from the previous night's storm. In answer to her bark, he opened the door and in she came, muddy paws and all. After making sure she covered most of the tiled floor with her prints, she came back to where he stood, looking at him expectantly.

"I should make you sleep outside for that." She barked again. "Yeah, I know. I'm a pushover." He reached into the jar of dog biscuits. After tossing one into the air, he surveyed the floor and decided it could wait until tomorrow. Turning off the lights, he went to the room he'd been sleeping in since he got married.

Once he was ready for bed, he reached for the Bible on the nightstand. G.o.d and Sophia were the only reasons he hadn't given in to the dark despair that had threatened to overwhelm him after Hannah left. As he'd once told her, the pain and rejection that sometimes comes with loving someone doesn't completely go away, but G.o.d can give a measure of contentment in any situation. He'd found that to be true after his accident, and he was finding it possible now.

His thoughts drifted back to the last time he saw Hannah. She'd appeared at his front door without warning on a rainy winter afternoon.

"Hi, Jackson." When he just looked at her, she asked, "Can I come in?"

He opened the door wider, waited her for to step inside and closed the door behind her. He'd imagined this scene often in his mind; he'd even rehea.r.s.ed what he would say. But things seldom go as planned. All he could think about was how desolate he was going to be when she left again.

"I have no right to ask this of you, but could I see Sophia?"

Jackson moved from his position by the door. "She's your daughter, Hannah. You have every right to see her. Are you in a hurry? I just put her down for a nap." He knew by her expression that his calm demeanor puzzled her.

"I don't mind waiting." Her eyes swept over the room and then back to him. "It all looks the same."

A sad smile touched his lips. "As you once said to me, appearances are deceiving. I made coffee. Would you like some?"

Her eyes fell to the ground. "That would be nice, thank you."

Jackson walked into the kitchen and removed two cups from the cabinet. He felt more than heard Hannah step into the room.

"I'm sorry, Jackson."

His hands stilled. "For what?"

She came up beside him. "For everything."

"Is that supposed to make it all better?"

"No, I know nothing will do that. You've lost weight."

That's what happens when a man doesn't hear from his wife for nine months. "Are you happy, Hannah?"

A curtain of hair fell forward, hiding her face. "Will you hate me even more than you do already if I say yes?"

He poured the dark brew into a cup and held it out to her. "Here you go." As she took it from him, he said, "I don't hate you."

"Are you saying that you still love me?"

"I'll love you forever."

Hannah was startled by the blaze of raw emotion in Jackson's eyes. His glance peeled away the faade she'd carefully created and maintained over the past few years as if it were a cobweb swept away by an impatient hand. "I'm sorry about that, too."

He shrugged. "Tell me something. Are the statistics any better for a child growing up in a home without a mother?"

"Probably not, but you're better for her than I am."

"Why do you say that?"

She waved her hand in the air. "Isn't it obvious? I think only of myself, not a good quality in a mother or a wife. I wanted more than I had here."

Jackson leaned against the counter. "And do you have more now?"

"Yes, I do," she said defiantly.

"Then your reason for being happy is explained."

Hannah laughed. "You amaze me, Jackson. Any other man would have shut the door in my face after calling me every name he could think of."

"I'm not any other man."

She chewed on her lip. "No, you're not, but aren't you angry or disappointed or something? Or are you just glad I'm gone?"

His eyes slowly left their contemplation of the cup in his hand and rose to her face. "I've been all of those and many others. What good does it do to talk about it? It isn't going to change anything."

"I guess I just expected something else."

He pushed away from the counter, the tiniest hint of anger in his features. "You've shown that you don't want to be here. While that hurts, I can live with it. What I find hard to forgive is that you so easily abandoned Sophia."

Hannah turned to look out the window. "It wasn't easy to leave Sophia, but I couldn't take her with me."

"Yes, I see your dilemma. Mitch.e.l.l doesn't want children. It was fortunate that you'd already made plans for such an eventuality by marrying me."

She swung around to face him, tears shimmering in her eyes. "You know that's not true. I had no way of knowing what was going to happen."

"What exactly did happen? The note you left was short on details."

"I'd rather not get into all that. We've managed to be civil to one another; that may not last once you know the rest of the story."

"For goodness sake, Hannah, I've never even raised my voice to you. I'm not going to start now."

She set the cup of coffee on the counter and twisted her hands together. "A few months after Sophia was born, Mitch.e.l.l started emailing me. At first I deleted them without opening them, but gradually, I started reading them, and eventually I responded."

"Did he ever come to the house?" Jackson asked in a deadly quiet voice.

"No, but I...I did meet him other places during the week when you were working. I got one of my friends to watch Sophia."

Jackson's hands clenched at his side, and he bit down hard on the angry words forming on his lips. "There were no monthly shopping trips with Mia, were there? You spent those days with Mitch.e.l.l."

At her slow nod, his stomach heaved in revulsion even as his heart felt as if someone was slowly ripping it out of his chest. He believed everything she told him, lapping up her lies like a trusting child. A rush of pure rage pulsed through his body. If he didn't get away from her, he was going to say or do something they'd both regret.

"Let me go check on Sophia," he said in a carefully, controlled voice.

He arrived at the door of Sophia's room in a haze of anger and humiliation, his breaths coming in heavy, painful gasps. "Oh, G.o.d," he whispered in an agonized voice. "How could she do that to me? How could she betray me that way? I trusted her; I believed that even though she didn't love me, she respected me as her husband and her friend."

As he approached the crib and stared down at Sophia, the turmoil and disillusionment within him slowly began to fade. He reached down and touched the feathery curls. "So much anguish and carrying on. And for what? None of that really matters, does it, pumpkin? We still have each other." He raised his eyes heavenward. "Thank You, Father, for showing me what's really important." Reaching down, he picked up Sophia. "Let's go see your mommy."

Jackson felt something cold and wet touch his arm. He looked down to see Freya watching him anxiously and wondered if he'd made some sound. "I'm okay, girl. Go back to sleep."

The emotions that single visit provoked had lessened with time, but nothing had been successful in removing Hannah from his thoughts. He still found himself reaching for her in the middle of the night. Love was a tenacious master, hanging on in the most challenging situations and stubbornly holding hostage the heart in which it had taken refuge.

Opening his Bible, he flipped to the book of Psalms. He loved all the psalms, but the ones written by David were especially poignant and meaningful. He found one pa.s.sage underlined heavily. "Mine eyes are ever toward the Lord; for He shall pluck my feet out of the net. Turn Thee unto me, and have mercy upon me; for I am desolate and afflicted."

That was the verse Jackson had come across in the days following Hannah's departure. He'd taken that promise to heart and tried to keep his eyes focused on G.o.d. Now two years later, the sting of loss and unfaithfulness no longer consumed him. Jackson had worked through his anger and found the peace of mind and spirit that only G.o.d can provide.

Hannah stared across the mahogany table at the man she gave up everything to be with. As she listened to his deep voice, another voice intruded. I'll love you forever. Why couldn't she forget? Was it the same reason she couldn't rid her memory of a childish smile and the scent of baby lotion?

A hand covered hers, giving her fingers a gentle squeeze.

"Hannah, come back from wherever you are."

Her eyes dropped. "I'm sorry, Mitch.e.l.l. What were you saying?"

"I was telling you that my business trip to San Diego got moved forward. I leave tomorrow. Can you be ready by then? Or do you prefer to come later?"

She almost fainted from sheer relief. She'd been wondering how to suggest to Mitch.e.l.l that they fly separately. She never expected it to be this easy. Trying to hide her eagerness, she said, "I think I'll come later, if you don't mind."

"I see maxed out credit cards in my future."

"What's the good of making money if you can't spend it?"

Mitch.e.l.l laughed as got up from the table and came around to kiss her. She just stopped herself from turning her face away. It wasn't his fault that she could no longer tolerate his touch.

"I couldn't agree more. I'll be home by seven."

As soon as he disappeared through the door of their apartment, Hannah pushed aside the plate of food she couldn't eat. She'd told so many lies in the last few years she didn't even know what the truth was anymore. The only thing that mattered now was getting home.

Hannah had no definite plan for reentering Sophia's life or even if Jackson would let her do it. She'd burned her bridges and should have the decency to stay away. But she couldn't stay away - not anymore. The thought was unbearable. If she could just be close enough to watch her child grow up, she'd be satisfied.

It took less than a half hour to book the flights necessary to get from New York to Atlanta. From there she'd rent a car and drive to St. Simons. What happened after that was out of her control.

Jackson left the x-ray department on his way back to the physical therapy gym. He saw Colton turn the corner at the opposite end of the hallway, his eyes glued to the papers in his hand. As the two got closer, Jackson asked, "What are you reading? A love letter from Laurel?"

Colton laughed. "Actually, it's from Taryn. She sent me a book about how to raise girls. I'm not sure whether to be flattered that she cares so much about Amanda or insulted that she thinks I'm doing such a poor job."

"Knowing Taryn, it's probably a little of both."

"I talked to Laurel at lunch, and she wanted me to remind you about dinner tonight."

"Are you sure you want me to stick around? I already ruined your lunch date."

"You didn't ruin anything, Jackson. Nothing makes Laurel happier than knowing she's helping someone."

"All right, you've convinced me."

"Great! See you later."

When Jackson walked through the door of Colton and Laurel's house, Sophia leapt up from the couch where she'd been watching television and flew into his arms.

"Daddy! Daddy! Miss Laurel took us to Dairy Queen. I got a vanilla cone."

"Did you save any for me?"

"Daddy, it's ice cream. It would have melted. Do you want to see the puzzle Amanda and I put together?"