Five Little Plays Part 18

SMITHERS. In here. I brought it in.

MARTIN. You didn't notice whether--

SMITHERS. No. Don't you think if we moved _all_ the rugs--

[_She moves across the room and joins_ WILLIAM, _who is still grovelling on the floor, and goes on her knees by his side._

HARVEY. It must be here _somewhere._

[_They are all searching furiously_--WILLIAM _by the windows, peering into the s.p.a.ces between the wall and the carpets,_ MARTIN _at the sideboard,_ SMITHERS _gathering the rugs together, all on their hands and knees, while_ HARVEY, _bent double, is looking under the table._ MRS. WESTERN _comes in stonily, followed by the_ JUDGE _and_ MRS. BANKET. MRS. WESTERN _is a handsome woman of forty-five, with a rather stern, cold face; the_ JUDGE, _a somewhat corpulent, genial man of fifty-five; and his wife, an amiable nullity, seven or eight years younger. They are all in evening-dress, the ladies in opera-cloaks._

MRS. WESTERN. [_Pausing on the threshold._] Well!

HARVEY. [_Rising and dusting himself._] No trace of it.

MRS. WESTERN. [_Looking around._] A nice mess you've made of the room!

MARTIN. You told us to look, Madam.

JUDGE. [_Going to the fire and standing with his back to it._] I'm afraid we'll be shockingly late, Alice.

MRS. WESTERN. [_Firmly._] I don't go without my bracelet.

[_She goes to the table, and proceeds to shift the cups and gla.s.ses._

MRS. BANKET. [_Moving to the other side of the table, and doing the same._] Quite right, dear--I wouldn't.

[_They all search, except the_ JUDGE, _who shrugs his shoulders placidly, then takes a cigarette from his case, and lights it.

The three servants still are grovelling on the floor._

MRS. WESTERN. I _know_ I had it while I was drinking my coffee--

JUDGE. My experience is, one should never look for things. They find themselves.

MRS. WESTERN. [_Shortly._] Nonsense.

JUDGE. A fact. Or at least one should _pretend_ to be looking for something else. My gla.s.ses now. When I lose them I declare loudly I can't find my cigar-case. That disheartens the gla.s.ses--they return at once.

MRS. BANKET. [_Reproachfully._] Don't be so irritating, Tom!

JUDGE. That's all very well, but how about me? I was asked here to dine.

I've dined--I'm not complaining about the dinner. But now the curtain's up--and here am I watching half-a-dozen people looking very hard for a thing that isn't there.

MRS. BANKET. Tom, Tom, it's those laughs you get in Court that make you so fond of talking. Don't you see how you're vexing your sister?

MRS. WESTERN. Oh, I'm used to Tom. Harvey, I think you might be looking.

HARVEY. My dear, I've been turning round and round in this corner like a bird in a cage.

MARTIN. [_Who all this time, like the other servants, has been crawling around the different articles of furniture in the room, suddenly rises to his feet and addresses his mistress firmly but respectfully._] It's not here, madam.

[_The other servants also rise; and stand, each in their corner._

JUDGE. That, I imagine, is perfectly clear; and I congratulate the witness on the manner in which he has given his evidence. [_He throws his cigarette into the fire and steps forward._] Now, my dear Alice--

MRS. WESTERN. [_Sitting doggedly in the chair in front of the table and proceeding to pull off her gloves._ I don't go without my bracelet.

JUDGE. Heaven forbid that I should speak slightingly of a gift of Harvey's--but really it isn't of such priceless value.

MRS. WESTERN. That has nothing to do with it.

MRS. BANKET. Of course not. Oh, these men!

HARVEY. [_Stepping forward._] Tom's right. Let's go. Look here, I'll get you another.

MRS. WESTERN. [_Drily._] Thanks--I want _that_ one.--Smithers, and you, William, just look again in the hall.

SMITHERS. Yes, m'm.

MRS. WESTERN. And then help the chauffeur--turn out _everything_ in the car.

SMITHERS. Yes, m'm.

MRS. WESTERN. Bring the rugs into the house, and shake them.

SMITHERS. Yes, m'm. [_She and_ WILLIAM _go._

JUDGE. [_Going hack to the fire._] Sumptuary laws--that's what we want. If women didn't wear bracelets, they couldn't lose them.

MRS. WESTERN. Martin, William is honest, isn't he?

HARVEY. [_Protesting._] Oh, hang it, Alice!

MARTIN. Quite, madam--excellent character--a little flighty, but a most respectable young man.

MRS. WESTERN. I've seen him reading a sporting paper.

JUDGE. A weakness, my dear Alice, common to the best of us, I do it myself sometimes, but I'm willing to be searched.

MRS. BANKET. O Tom, _do_ be quiet!

MRS. WESTERN. [_To the_ JUDGE.] You're very unsympathetic. [_Turning to_ MARTIN _again._] None of the other servants came in after we left?

MARTIN. No, madam.

MRS. WESTERN. You're sure?

MARTIN. Quite sure, madam. They were all downstairs, having their supper.