Finding Laila: Some Changes Are Necessary Part 41

"These are my parents, Julie and Garret." I point to my parents, who look as stunned as me.

"It's great to meet you both," she gushes. "I'm Chelsea from, well-here, but I told my parents I wanted to live away from home, it was really important to me. You're from Houston, right?"

"Yeah," I agree, stepping into the small kitchen area just inside the door.

I set the box on the floor and look around at the place I'll call home for the next year. It's smaller than I expected, but it's nice. When I face Chelsea, I notice the hopeful look in her face, the one that says she wants to be friends. I recognize the look because that used to be me, before I quit trying. I'm a terrible person because the first thing that comes to mind is that I don't have time for friends or room for them in my life. But considering half of my circle lives out of state, I don't really have the luxury of being choosy right now.

"Which one is mine?" I ask and point to the two doors that are closed.

"Oh, you're over there on the right. Do you need any help?"

"Thanks, I think we've got it," I smile warmly. "So what's your major?"

"I want to study marketing-at least that's what I want to do today," she smiles. "What about you?"

"Psych." I smile and make a face because I'm not sure what I'm getting myself into with that one.

"Wow, you already know what you want to do?" she asks with smile.

"Laila?" I hear the familiar sound of Haden's voice call from somewhere outside so I excuse myself before I step out to locate him.

"Up here," I call down and he looks up from the floor below.

"Top, huh?" he teases and I nod.

He carries the box that he loaded in his car and makes his way up the steps until he's standing in my doorway. He brings it into the living room and sets it on the coffee table, but I find my roommate's blatant perusal of his body irritating. I resist the urge to hike my leg up to pee on him and mark my territory, because I'm sure it's frowned upon. Chelsea walks over and introduces herself, but he's barely paying attention as he helps me bring the boxes into my new room.

"Can you show me what boxes you need?" he asks, which throws me off because he knows which boxes I need. All of them. This is code for 'come with me.'

I meet him outside the door and together we walk downstairs to my car to grab more of my things. Haden takes my hand in his and stares at it with a sad smile.

"What's wrong?" I ask, concern evident in my tone.

"It's gonna be hard to leave you," he says.

"It's hard to let you leave," I answer. "I wish you were going to school here."

"But I'm less than two hours away," he responds.

"I know," I mutter quietly.

"Hey," he tugs at my hand, stopping me so I face him and gently lifts my chin with his fingers, "what's two hours? Ninety miles? It's nothing. Besides, you can't get rid of me so easy."

He leans down and kisses my sadness away, at least for now. When we separate, I smile shyly and nod to acknowledge his words before we finally grab some boxes and start the journey back up to my place.

"Where do you want this?" Mom asks, holding up the blanket Grandma knitted for me when I was a kid. It's my comfort blanket when I'm sick, sad, or tired.

"On the bed is fine-if you can get Haden to get off it."

Mom laughs and tosses the blanket on top of him, along with a few of my stuffed animals I decided to bring last minute. Haden grabs the bear he won for me at the carnival and holds it up in the air.

"You stole my bear."

"That's mine, Searle. You gave it to me."

"Maybe I want it back," he challenges.

"I have custody of him until I see you again," I say in my no-nonsense tone. "And when will that be?"

He sits up and looks at his phone; when his eyes meet mine, I know that it's time and I do my best to be happy. Mom notices that the mood has shifted and takes Dad aside to give us a moment.

Haden walks over and wraps his arms around me in what will likely go down as the saddest hug I've ever encountered. I hate goodbyes. Watching Joey and Cole leave hurt so much and I've barely gotten over it, but Haden isn't just my friend, he's my boyfriend. The pain in my chest is hard to ignore.

"I have to go," he rasps.

"I'll walk you out."

Dad shakes his hand and Mom pulls him in for a hug, wishing him good luck.

"We'll see you soon," she says.

I thread my fingers through Haden's and he says a quick goodbye to Chelsea as we walk out the door. Neither of us rush the trek to his car, but we don't say anything either until we are standing at the driver side door. He rests against the car and I instinctively lean in to him and allow him to hold me once more before he leaves. I bury my face against his chest and he runs his hand up and down my back.

Don't go. I want to say the words, but I won't.

"This year with you has been everything I hoped," he says.

"I'm so glad that you let me in," I say and turn my face to look into his. "I don't want to let you go, but I have to. I never expected to be able to love you the way I do, and it's been worth everything."

"Never let me go," he cups my face in his hands and brings his lips to mine, "because I'm never letting you go."

"You can't know that," I argue halfheartedly.

"I'll tell you what I know: we were friends first, and that's something that will never change. You're stuck with me."

"I can handle that." I smile. "Do you really think we could be that one couple that makes the long distance thing work?"

"Why not us?" He raises his eyebrow and grins.

"We're so going to be that couple that makes everyone else jealous because we're so awesome." I wink and back my words with all the confidence I can muster.

"Yeah we are," he agrees and kisses me until all I can think about is the next time I get to kiss him again.

I move away and give him room to get into his car, watching him start the engine. He closes the door and I lean in for one last kiss before he closes it. Slowly, he backs out of the parking spot and I stand rooted in place as I watch his car disappear from my view and allow my tears to fall.

Mom and Dad need to head back home, but I know they're waiting in my room so we can say our goodbye. I wipe my tears and walk back to my room to find Mom and Dad setting up a few of my things. Since the room came furnished all I need to do is add a few elements from home to make it my own. Mom grabs the box that Haden brought up from his car and pulls out a frame that has pictures of me with the guys from when we were young.

"That goes on my desk," I say, taking the frame from her and setting it where I'd like to see it every day. "I love you both, but I got this."

"Are you sure? We don't mind," Mom says. I see the tears welling in her eyes, but I do my best to look past them for now.

"I know, but it's fine, you have a long drive."

Dad walks over and hugs me, telling me to take care of myself and study hard. Mom can barely say anything and I think she's moments away from losing it altogether. I thank them for everything and promise to call and let them know how my first day goes. We all know that I'll be calling every day, three times a day, but they still like the a.s.surance.

Mom refuses to let me walk them down to the car because it will be too hard to leave so we stand outside my door.

"I'm so proud of you," Mom gushes. "Be careful. And if you need anything, you let me know."

"I will. I love you both, so much."

"We love you, too," Mom answers.

Dad grabs Mom and me and holds us tightly, unable to say much but a m.u.f.fled "I love you."

"I love you, too, Dad."

They step away and Mom wipes her eyes and kisses me one last time before they finally turn and take the steps to leave me. I remain outside my apartment, waiting to see if they come back; but they don't, so I finally go back to my room to finish unpacking.

I start with the box Mom had on my bed that contains my favorite pictures from my room back home. Pictures of my parents, the guys, Bailey and Ree, and my sister are piled in no particular order, but one by one, I set them around the room and feel relaxed.

There's one more picture, but I don't recall packing it.

When I pull it out, I let out a gasp and stare at the image in awe. It's a painting of me when I was a little girl, filled with hope. I'm sitting on lush green gra.s.s looking at the various things happening around me.

I've never seen this piece.

I turn the frame over and there's a note in Haden's handwriting. I sit down on the edge of my bed and read his words.

Lai, By the time you see this, I've already left, so I want you to know I miss you already. I painted this a couple of years ago, but I never showed anyone. I call it Finding Laila.

I remember once we were talking about what we wanted to be when we grew up. All of us had dreams of who and what we were going to be, but you had no idea. You said that it would come to you when you were older so you weren't worried about it because you were going to find yourself someday.

I have loved you for so long, and I know you love me. No matter what the future holds, I want you to find the Laila you are meant to be, because I'm going to love every version of her.

This isn't goodbye, this is just I love you, until I get to tell you again.

Love, Haden

Epilogue ~ Finding Life

Two Years Later "I can't do this," I say through my tears. "I'm not ready."

"No one is ready for this, babe," Haden says, rubbing my back. "But we have to."

I walk to the mirror and look at my haggard appearance-not that I care what I actually look like. My eyes are puffy from crying for days on end and my nose is red for the same reason. My hair is pulled into a low ponytail because I couldn't get myself to make more of an effort.

Why does it matter anyway?

"Lai, it's time to go," Mom says as she walks into my room. I turn to face her and she wraps me in her arms to hold me while I sob for the millionth time today. She doesn't offer any words of consolation, because there are none.

"Your dad and Luka are in the car. I'm going to let them know you're on your way down."

She takes my face into her hands and kisses my forehead before walking out of my room and leaving me with Haden. He's been so strong throughout all of this and I'm so grateful to have him here.

"You ready?" he asks as he reaches for my hand.

This question causes the tears to well in my eyes, though they've never really stopped. He pulls me to his chest and holds me close as sobs consume me once again, but I stop long enough to make the short trek outside to the waiting car.

Dad sees me and opens the car door where Luka waits, her eyes filled with sadness. Haden is situating himself on the other side of my little sister and wraps an arm around her. She's so young, but she feels the loss, too.

It's hard to keep the tears from falling, and even harder when Luka rests her head on my shoulder as she rubs my arm to comfort me. Haden hasn't said much, but I know he's hurting as much as me.

The ride is quiet and somber; no one utters a sound to fill the s.p.a.ce because it can't be filled. Empty words won't bring him back.

The drive feels as though it has taken hours when Dad pulls up to the funeral home, but it can't be more than twenty minutes away. Time isn't something I've been keeping track of since I got the call.

I just talked to him the other day. He can't be gone.

Bailey and Ree are standing outside consoling each other when I walk up, and both turn to embrace me. Together we cry for our friend who we loved and will never get to see again.

Haden wraps his arm around my waist and leads me inside where a crowd gathers, crying and sharing memories. I don't care about who's here and who's not because the one person I want here is gone. Forever.

"It's not him," I whisper. "It's not him."

If I say it out loud, it will be true.

We walk down the aisle, the sound of sobs and wailing are around me, but I focus on the casket at the end. It's closed, we were told, because he wasn't recognizable after the accident, yet I want to see him, because there's no way he's really in there.

He can't be.

I turn my head into Haden's chest and let out a cry; my shoulders shake with my sobs.

"Where's his mom?" I ask, finally looking around the room to spot her, but I find her sitting in the first row, almost unable to breathe.

I rush to her and she stands up, folding me into her arms as we cry for him together.

"I don't know what to say; I just want him back," I cry.