Find You In The Dark Part 12

His eyes were bleak as he looked away from me. His self- esteem was ridiculous. How could he not see himself the way I did? How could he not understand how full he made my life by just being in it? Sure, what we had was hard and complicated, but it was also pa.s.sionate and amazing. There would never be anyone in my life that affected me the way he did. I was sure of it.

The thing was, I was petrified that the bad was starting to outweigh the good. What would we be left with when I could no longer make Clay see everything that was wonderful about him and what we had? What happened then? And, just like that my anger withered away until it was replaced with only sadness.

And that was way harder to stomach.

"I don't know what to say. I don't want you to feel that way. I love you. So freaking much. But I can't make you feel better about yourself, about us. Because that's entirely on you." I lifted my hands in tired defeat.

Clay hung his head. "I'm really trying." He said softly. Sure, it was messed up and there was no way I'd forget about what he had done, but seeing him so depressed tugged at that gnawing nurturing side of me that had developed since meeting Clay.

Maybe I shouldn't forgive him so easily for treating me the way he had. For not trusting me. For doubting my love for him. And maybe I would feel angry about it again later. But now, I just wanted to erase that despair from his beautiful face. Despair that was caused by something so much deeper than our argument.

We sat there in silence, the tension palpable. I was wound tight and I didn't know what to do to make any of this better. Before I could come up with a solution, Clay got to his feet.

"I'll leave you alone. I'm sorry, Mags." Clay whispered. I watched him walk away, back toward the staircase and I said nothing to stop him.

I lay there in the darkness for awhile. There was no way I would go back to sleep. I ruminated over our conversation ad nauseum. Clay's neediness was a little hard to swallow. I got that he loved me. But was this a love I could deal with? Was this love going to tear me apart?

I couldn't stop thinking about what he said about his insecurities and how much he was trying to change. And while I believed him, there was a niggling of doubt. Doubt that he wasn't trying hard enough. And then I had to think that maybe I shouldn't come down so hard on Clay, when I was riddled with my own doubts where he was concerned.

I rolled onto my side and hugged the pillow to my chest. I ached in the worst way. Tonight was supposed to be special. I had dreamed of it for so long. My mind drifted to Clay, who I knew was as wide awake as I was.

Do I go to him? Do you I let this whole thing go and try to find some semblance of happiness in what we had together? Or do I take a stand and not back down?

I hemmed and hawed, not sure what to do. I sc.r.a.ped my hair back away from my face in agitation. My heart felt heavy and I missed him. I wanted him to hold me and make me believe that everything would be alright. I needed that fantasy, even if it was just that. A fantasy.

Suddenly I was on my feet, with my pillow and blanket under my arm and found myself walking up the spiral staircase to the loft. My footsteps were soft, barely making a sound as I made my way up to Clay.

I stopped just inside the doorway and stared at him in the murky darkness. I could make out his form under the blankets. I dropped my stuff on the floor and lifted the covers of the bed, sliding in beside him.

Clay turned over and I could see his eyes shining in the blackness. "What are you doing?" He breathed, his body taut beside me. I rolled onto my side and reached out to stroke his face. "I'm mad at you alright. I'm mad and hurting." My voice trembled. Clay put his hand on top of mine and pressed it to his cheek.

"Maggie..." He began but I put my fingers over his mouth to stop him. "Just shut up okay?" Clay closed his mouth and let me continue. "I'm upset. What you said, how you acted, it wasn't cool. This wasn't the first time you did this to me. But I had hoped you wouldn't do it again. But you did. Part of me wants to pack my stuff and leave. Forget this drama...forget you." The tears started to leak from my eyes, but I kept my gaze on him. His breathing became labored and I knew my words were affecting him.

"But I can't do that, Clay. Because I believe that you are trying to change. That you do love me. But you need to know that what happened here earlier. That has to stop. I wasn't kidding when I said it would ruin us. What we have, what we feel for each other; is too special to kill that way." I bit out. Clay shook his head and pulled my hand from his lips.

"It will NEVER happen again. I swear to you!" He pleaded, pulling on my arms so that I was pressed against him. Our noses brushed and I closed my eyes, resting my forehead on his. "This night was supposed to be our night. I wanted it to be about us, together. Now I feel mixed up and confused and I just want to stop feeling that way." I recognized the neediness in my tone. I wasn't sure what I was asking him to do. I could see that Clay didn't know either.

But then I just plunged ahead, without thought to consequences or what it would mean to do this right now after the emotional turmoil of the last few hours. I kissed him, pressing my mouth to his, running my tongue along his bottom lip.

Clay pulled back to stare at me. I knew I was confusing the h.e.l.l out of him. d.a.m.n, I was confusing myself. But I just needed to lose myself in him. To feel that sense of peace that only came when we were close.

I needed to feel his love, not his jealousy, or his anger and insecurity.

My body woke up at his close proximity. The physical attraction I felt muddled my brain and made it difficult to think of anything else. I could feel my heart beating against my ribcage and I had a hard time catching my breath as we laid so close together, our legs brushing against each other. Our chests, a whisper apart.

I wrapped my hand around the back of his neck and tugged him toward me again. This time he resisted. "I don't know, Maggie. I don't like doing this when it feels like we still have so much to resolve." He sighed as I kissed his chin, nibbling his skin.

"Clay. I know you love me. I love you too. Let's just forget the drama. Please." I murmured into his skin. I wasn't entirely sure what was possessing me. But I wanted the conflict to be over. I wanted to see the beautiful sparkle in my boyfriend's eyes. And yeah, maybe I was using my body to manipulate the situation a bit. But at that moment I didn't care.

I threw myself into kissing him. Into tasting his mouth and his neck. My hands ran up and down his back as I pressed my chest into his. I felt the slow, dizzying warmth of arousal as he kissed me back with equal ardor.

I pulled his shirt over his head and ran my hands down his bare chest, sc.r.a.pping my nails so that he shivered. I pressed kisses to the flesh below his throat, teasing with my tongue.

Slowly, as though he were waiting for me to stop him, Clay lifted the hem of my shirt and brought it over my head. Clay stared at me, his eyes smoldering with desire and an aching tenderness that made my breath hitch. "You are so beautiful." He whispered, letting his fingers barely brush the soft fabric that still covered my b.r.e.a.s.t.s.

Not waiting for him to do it, I reached up and unsnapped my bra, shrugging out of it and throwing it onto the floor. Clay's eyes grew large and then with agonizing slowness, he lowered his mouth to my waiting nipples. His tongue danced and teased over me.

In that moment, I realized that despite his hangups, despite the crazy drama he created, I would love him always. Clay was mine just as surely as I was his. My life and his were inexplicably intertwined and there was no denying the intense connection we shared. I wanted to give everything to him, to make him feel whole, and loved, and worthy.

He pressed me to him, our naked skin molding together perfectly as he took my mouth again. His hands caressed my flesh and I thought I would burn up inside.

After forever of this, I unb.u.t.toned his jeans and released the zipper. Clay hissed in a breath and moaned deep in his throat as I put my hands inside and found him. We hadn't done much beyond a bit of tame groping. Nothing below the clothing. So this was new to me. He groaned into my mouth as I rubbed him with unsure fingers. I didn't really know what I was doing, but given his reaction, I must be doing it right. My hand slid up and down the length of him, feeling him shudder beneath my grip.

"My G.o.d, Maggie!" He moaned into my mouth as my hand's movements became surer. I smiled against his lips as his hands palmed my b.r.e.a.s.t.s, the pad of his thumbs running over my nipples roughly, making me shiver.

Clay pulled my hand from his hot flesh and grinned at me. "You need to stop doing that, or we'll be done before we've even started." He teased as he began to unb.u.t.ton my pants. With deft fingers, Clay peeled my jeans back and pushed them down to my ankles, leaving me only in my panties. He rolled on top of me, the feel of his weight sending delightful shivers throughout my body. He rubbed his hand down my side, sliding down to kiss my stomach, my inner thighs, my b.r.e.a.s.t.s and then my mouth again. "You are the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen. I love you so much." His words were quiet as he adored me with his mouth.

I flushed with the compliment. "I love you too, Clay." I said in response, gripping his hair as he traced a line upwards from my knee with his tongue. I swallowed hard as I was waiting for him to kiss me...you know, there. And I was really disappointed when he stopped and suddenly leaned over me. "Are you sure you want this?" He asked me. He seemed unsure, though I could feel how much he wanted me as his body pressed against mine. I initially wanted to grab a hold of his hair and shove him back between my thighs. I was about to get primal, as the intense waves of euphoria brought on by his fingers and tongue cascaded over me. But then I sobered a bit and really thought about what he was asking me.

Was this really the right time to make this leap into intimacy? After everything that had happened this evening? I stared into his brown eyes and the unbelievable depth of emotion I saw there made my heart pitter- patter.

I wanted to do this. Okay, so maybe I couldn't exactly think beyond the throbbing between my legs. The aching in my body took away any hesitancy I might otherwise feel. So in that instant, my decision was made. "Make love to me, Clay." I whispered, dipping my hands back into his boxers and sliding them down his hips.

He didn't need any more encouragement after that. He hooked my panties with his thumbs and drew them down, pulling them over my feet and dropping them on the floor. We were naked and I was suddenly exceptionally nervous.

Clay sensing this, kissed the sensitive skin below my ear, while his hand caressed the warmth between my legs. I gasped as he slid a finger inside me. The tingles of pleasure coursed through me again as he rubbed, moving his finger in and out in a perfect rhythm. I forgot to worry about my inexperience. I just let myself flow along this tidal wave that threatened to take me under.

Finally, Clay reached over and pulled a condom out of his bag. He tore open the package and slipped it on, positioning himself at my opening. Clay put his hands beneath my knees and drew my legs up so they were wrapped around his waist. He kissed me deeply again and I could feel him pressed against me, waiting.

"Maggie." He said huskily. I opened my eyes and looked at him. "I love you." He swallowed and pushed himself into me. My breath hitched at the sharp pain. "Forever." He choked as he surged forward. I arched my back off the bed. My muscles straining and stretching to fit around him.

Clay sucked in a sharp breath with the sudden sensations. He was still a moment. He looked down at me. "Are you okay?" He asked, kissing my eyebrow, my cheek, my nose. I nodded, squeezing my legs around his hips, pulling him deeper inside me.

And then he started moving and I thought I would die from the pleasure of it. I could feel him sliding in and out of my body and it was the single most intense experience of my life. I began to move with him in a sensual dance.

Clay surged over and over again, each thrust taking him deeper into my body. His hands touched me everywhere. I was acutely aware of the way our breath mingled together as he stroked the innermost part of me. The feel of his hips beneath my thighs. The stubble on his chin as he kissed me.

I threw my head back and Clay suckled my neck, making noises in the back of his throat as his movements became more frenzied. I felt a strange searing heat build in the pit of belly. I dug my fingers into his shoulder blades and he yelled my name as we exploded together.

Clay collapsed on my chest, his sweat slick hair sticking to my skin. I smoothed the strands back from his forehead. Clay kissed the hollow of my throat, his lips lingering on the frantic pulse that beat there. We didn't speak, each of us too spent, too emotional. I felt tears p.r.i.c.k my eyes and I was completely overwhelmed by what we had just shared.

Clay would always be a part of me now. No one could ever replace this first time for me and despite everything, I was so glad it was with him. He traced his fingertips over my stomach, tickling it, and making me giggle. He pulled out of me slowly and went to the bathroom.

I pulled the sheet up under my chin, suddenly feeling shy to by lying there without anything on. Clay came back, clearly not as modest. He smiled at me. He gently pulled the sheet away. "Don't cover yourself, baby. You're amazing." He laid down beside me, pulling me against his front.

We lay together, entangled. He nuzzled my hair. "This is what I wanted, Mags. To fall asleep holding you. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't forgiven me. I am so, so sorry." I snuggled as close to him as I could get. Clay pulled the blankets over us and I felt warm and safe in our coc.o.o.n, our earlier fight, not forgotten, but less pertinent.

My eyelids began to droop and just as I was about to fall off to sleep, Clay whispered in my ear. "This is forever, Maggie. I would follow you into h.e.l.l if I had to." His breath tickled my skin. He kissed my temple. "You are all I want for the rest of my life."

I was so tired that I couldn't be sure I heard him correctly. But I knew his love was an intense, hungry thing. I worried for a moment, as I feel asleep, that his love would eat me alive.

Chapter Seventeen.

I woke up the next morning, blinking with the brightness that lit the room. It was like waking up on the surface of the sun. It was still early, I could tell by the lingering darkness that clung to the corners of the room and the edges of the sky. Clay was wrapped tightly around me and I could barely move. His face was buried in the back of my neck and his arms pinned me to his side. I felt hot and sweaty from the warmth of his body.

I needed to go the bathroom. Badly. I tried to wriggle out from underneath him, but that only caused him to tighten his hold on me. Okay, I was starting to feel claustrophobic. I laid there, until I felt his hold slacken and I slowly lifted his arm from around my chest and placed it gently beside him.

I was then able to disengage my legs from his and roll out of the bed. I landed on my feet, feeling like a gymnast with the crazy maneuvers I had to use to get of bed. I looked over at Clay and saw that he was still asleep. I tiptoed behind the j.a.panese screen and tried to pee as quietly as possible. I wasn't entirely comfortable relieving myself with him so close by. There are just some things I wasn't ready to share with him.

I quickly brushed my teeth and pulled my hair back in a ponytail. I looked in the mirror over the sink and stared at myself. I didn't look any different, but my body felt different. I could feel soreness when I moved certain muscles I had never used before. I felt more like a woman and less like a little girl.

I thought back to last night. Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I wondered whether I had made the right decision. It had all seemed to make sense in the moment. The fight had been a distant memory. But now in the cold light of morning, I was reminded of how awful things had gotten. Had I rushed into s.e.x to try and block out how much he had hurt me?

Shaking my head, I tried to ignore the nagging concerns that threatened to ruin my good mood.

I found a clean pair of underwear and put them on and then slipped into my favorite pair of yoga pants and a white cami. I looked outside and was taken aback by all the white stuff.

It had probably snowed five inches last night and it was beautiful. I hoped we could get out of here today, or I would have some major explaining to do to my parents. I cringed even thinking about it.

I heard Clay stirring in the bed and I looked over my shoulder. He blinked his eyes sleepily. "Come back to bed, baby. I'm missing you." His voice was raspy and I smiled at how amazing he looked first thing in the morning.

I crossed the room slowly, feeling strangely shy with him. I crawled back into bed, not knowing what to do. Things were different now, on so many levels. Clay smiled at me. "I like waking up with you." He said huskily, watching me with sleepy eyes.

My insides clenched as his fingers inched toward me and gently rubbed along my arm. "What's wrong?" He asked me. I rolled my head to the side to look at him. He seemed more awake and I could see the worry on his face. "Do you regret it?" He asked, the horror evident in his tone.

Did I regret it? His fingers stopped their dance on my skin and I looked at my boyfriend. His love for me was startlingly clear and I could see how much the idea of me regretting our intimacy would crush him.

I couldn't tell him that I was worried that I had simply brushed our bigger problems under the rug. That we weren't really addressing his on going issues. For all of our closeness, there was still so much that he kept from me. Things that I didn't feel comfortable with voicing to him. What did that really say about our relationship?

"Maggie." He breathed, scooting closer. He laid his arm across my stomach. His face was close to mine, I could feel his breath on my cheek. I realized I had been silent for quite awhile. But d.a.m.n if my body didn't start to heat up as his fingers went under my shirt to lay against my bare skin.

Did I regret it? I closed my eyes as he rubbed his nose against my cheek. No. I didn't. Because even with all of our s.h.i.t, I still loved him. More than I probably should.

"No, Clay. I could never regret being with you." I told him truthfully. As if taking that as an invitation, Clay rolled on top of me and kissed my chin. I couldn't help but laugh at the sudden change in him. From sad and worried, to delighted and giddy in the span of seconds.

"You were scaring me, love." He murmured as he nipped at my bottom lip. I ran my hands up his back, enjoying the feel of his flesh beneath my fingers. "You don't ever need to be scared of little ol' me." I joked as I wrapped my legs around his hips. I was instantly aware of the fact that he was still very naked. And very happy to see me.

Clay pulled back. "You scare me more than anything." He told me quietly, looking into my eyes in that intense way of his, as though I were the air that he breathed. "If you leave me, I would be destroyed. I don't know that I could come back from that." His vulnerability broke my heart. How could needing me this much be good for him?

Suddenly, Clay leaned over the side of the bed and started rooting around in his duffel bag. After a few seconds, he righted himself and held his hand firmly fisted before me. He looked a little shy, his hair flopping in his eyes as he looked at me.

"What do you have there?" I teased, trying to pry his fingers apart. Clay smiled endearingly and pulled back, falling onto his side beside me. He leaned up on his elbow, his hand cradling his head as he looked down at me. Slowly, he opened his hand and dropped a silver chain into a shimmery puddle on my stomach.

I sat up and scooped the piece of jewelry into my hand before it got lost in the sheets. It was a necklace. The delicate silver chain fell between my fingers as I held it up. Hanging from it was a beautiful b.u.t.terfly, made of thin silver and tiny slivers of what looked like diamonds.

It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. My breath stopped as I stared at it. I looked at Clay, who was watching me nervously. "I wanted to give this to you last night. I had planned to, anyway. But then after everything that happened, I just didn't feel like it was the right time." I swallowed thickly around the lump that had formed in my throat.

I didn't say anything, I was too overcome with the depth of emotion I had for the boy laying beside me. Taking my silence as disapproval, Clay continued on quickly. "I've had it for awhile, actually. I had it made for you by this lady Ruby knows who makes her own jewelry."

His thoughtfulness overwhelmed me. What was it about the b.u.t.terflies? He had said once that it was because I made him feel free. Wanting more of an answer, I asked him.

"I was this sad and lonely creature before you came along. And then, just being with you, knowing you love me, has transformed me. My entire life has become this metamorphosis into something beautiful, something happy. I told you before that you've freed me. You've reminded me of what it means to believe and hope."

Tears gathered in my eyes and threatened to spill. Seeing this, Clay rubbed his thumb beneath my eye, gathering the wetness there. "Don't cry. I'm sorry if it upset you. I just wanted to give you something as beautiful as everything you've given me. I'll take it back. Forget about it." He said, totally misreading my silence. I could hear the hurt in his voice as he tried to take the necklace from my hand.

I closed my fingers and moved it away. "No, Clay. I love it. I'm just...I don't know what to..." Words failed me completely, so instead I seized his mouth with mine, kissing him deeply. I let my tongue invade his mouth, tasting him. I couldn't stop the moan that I made deep in my throat. "G.o.d, I love you so much." Clay whispered against my lips as I ran my fingers up through his hair.

"I love you too. More than anything." I said softly back to him as he tugged my tank top over my head. And we lost ourselves in each other all over again.

It felt like hours later before we finally emerged from the loft, Clay's necklace laying against my chest. Clay wore a contented smile and I knew I was glowing. I was riding a blissful wave of euphoria. Our earlier argument, all the misunderstandings and doubts had been erased by the reminder of why I was so intensely in love with my boyfriend. Clay watched me touch the b.u.t.terfly at my throat and he gave me that smile that said I was the only thing in his world that mattered.

"Good morning." I said to Ray and Clare, who were drinking coffee and looking a little bleary eyed. "Too loud, Maggie. Shh." Ray put his finger to his lips. "Oops, sorry." I apologized, filling a mug for myself.

"You guys look rough." Clay commented, opening a packet of croissants. Clare grimaced. "Thanks, Clay." He looked sheepish. "I just meant you don't look like you slept much." Clare turned surely. "Well my charming boyfriend here, spent most of the night throwing up."

"Yuck. Sorry, Clare." I gave Ray a look before turning to the refrigerator to get the milk for my coffee. "Are Daniel and Rachel up yet?" I asked. Ray shook his head. "Don't think so, haven't seen them." I was worried about how things went between my two best friends last night. I was dying to talk to Rachel and get the scoop.

Clay came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, placing a soft kiss on the side of my neck. He pushed a plate of b.u.t.tered pastries toward me. I picked one up and started eating it. Ray watched me for moment then turned an alarming shade of green. "I'm gonna be sick." He said, before running down the hallway.

Clare sighed before getting off of her stool to go after him. Clay and I grinned. "Sucks to be them." Clay remarked, turning me around in my arms so he could kiss me properly. He pressed my back into the island as his hands held my hips tightly.

Someone cleared their throat behind us, causing me to break away. Looking over my shoulder, I saw Rachel and Daniel come into the kitchen. "Good morning, you two." I said, pulling away from Clay so I could get my friends some coffee.

I watched the two of them closely, trying to gauge the current state of their relationship. They didn't touch or do anything else that indicated a change in the way things were between them. But I just knew. There was a difference in the way they looked at each other. The air around them seemed to crackle with a chemistry that I had never noticed before.

I handed Rachel a cup of coffee and raised my eyebrows at her. She looked back at me blandly. "So, how was the rest of your night?" I asked them pointedly. Daniel propped himself up on a stool and grabbed a croissant. "Fine. Slept like a brick." Was all he said.

I looked over at Clay, but he had gone into the other room to straighten up the couch from the night before. Okay, I was going to have to get Rachel alone if I was going to get any answers. "I've got to finish packing up my stuff. Rachel can you come with?" I asked, pulling her by the arm.

Daniel looked over at her for just a moment and it was then that I saw it. The way his gaze rested on Rachel told me everything I needed to know. They had clearly moved through their impa.s.se. And I wanted details!

"I guess." Rachel said less than enthusiastically. She must have sensed my inner cobra preparing to strike. I led the way up the stairs and I heard Rachel's gasp as she came into the gigantic room. "This is where you slept? Dear Jesus." She said, taking it in. She walked down the stairs into the sunken area with the whirl pool. "I'm feeling a bit jipped." She joked, before sitting on the edge of the tub. She looked at me and arched her eyebrows. "Hmm. There's something different about you." She told me coyly.

I blushed a deep and furious red. c.r.a.p. She was so going to turn this whole chit chat around on me. d.a.m.n her! Rachel tapped her chin with her finger thoughtfully. "Yes, something is definitely different. But I can't quite put my finger on it." Rachel c.o.c.ked her head to the side and then grinned at me deviously.

"You and Clay totally did it!" Rachel squealed. I rolled my eyes, trying to hide my embarra.s.sment. "Uh yeah." I said. My face was on fire! Of course I wanted to share that important piece of information with my best friend. But I felt a little strange talking about it.

"And...how was it?" She prompted. Rachel was notorious for needing the dirty details and I fully intended to disappoint her. "Well, he had me hanging naked from the rafters for a little while...and then I decided to use the end of my hair brush and..."

"You're so ridiculous, Maggie." Rachel retorted as she cut me off. She pinched my arm. "You aren't going to tell me anything are you?" My friend knew me too well. I shook my head. "Not a thing." I grinned, crossing my arms over my chest.

Turning the conversation around, I looked at my friend and gave her a look. "So, you and Daniel..." I trailed off, hoping she'd fill in the blanks.